Tag Archives: tool

Machete

A machete is a handheld blade that can be used as a tool or as a weapon. It’s versatile. It cuts through enemy skulls, watermelons, and dense jungle shrubbery with ease. They are fondly depicted in American cinema and television. There’s even a Machete film franchise.You see them in war scenes, zombie apocalypses, and carried by intrepid explorers. I have a machete. My girlfriend gave it to me for Christmas. That means she trusts me. I haven’t used it yet, but camping season is approaching and I’m sure I’ll find something to chop. 

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leatherman

Pocketknives are like tiny portable tool kits that fit in your pocket. They are essential for camping and outdoor activities, but they are just as practical in urban settings. There are two major rivals in the pocketknife industry: Swiss Army knives and Leatherman multitools. Swiss Army knives are the iconic multitool and they dominate the market. Everyone has had a Swiss Army knife at some point, but it’s a beginner’s knife. When you’re playing around with toys and want the real thing, you graduate to a Leatherman. Leatherman makes heavy-duty multitools with more practical features. They have better pliers, sharper scissors, and sharper knives that actually lock in place. Tim Leatherman (that’s his real fucking name) was a guy who was sick of all the shitty pocketknives on the market, so he made his own. Now he owns 55% of the US market. A Swiss Army knife is just a gadget, a novelty. A Leatherman is a real tool, something you can use every day and rely on. It’s more reliable than your mom, and I use her everyday too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Paper Clips

Paper clips aren’t just office supplies, they are one of the most versatile tools that man has at his disposal. Sure, they clip paper together nicely, but you can use them for so many more things. You can clip other things together, like money and other paper clips. You can straighten them out and poke things. You can bend them into different shapes for arts and crafts projects or picking locks. Stoners prefer them over Swiss Army knives because you can scrape a bowl clean, unclog it when it’s not hitting, and use it to help pack joints. Paper clips even guide you through Microsoft Word. Fucking Clippy. I hated him so much. He set paper clips back ten years. They’re only now starting to make a comeback.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hammers

A hammer is a tool that you use to hammer things. I like things that are called what they do. A hammer is basically two parts: a handle and a hammerhead. The hammerhead usually has a crowbar like claw on one side and the smashing part on the other side. You hold the handle and swing the hammer at the nail and try not to crush your thumb. Hammers are mostly used by construction workers and craftsmen, and no toolbox is complete without one. Hammers are one of the most practical tools, and they can also double as weapons for the impending zombie apocalypse. Aim for the skull and make it count.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants