Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

November 4, 2013 · 8:32 am

Sleep Talking

Sleep talking is when someone talks in their sleep. It’s pretty common and it happens a lot. Some people talk in their sleep every single night, some people do it every once in a while, and I’m pretty sure that everyone does it at least once in their life. Sometimes sleep talkers make sense, sometimes they don’t, sometimes you understand them clearly, and sometimes they are just speaking gibberish. It’s pretty funny hearing your friend or lover talking in their sleep because you can make fun of them the next morning. It’s kind of scary to find out that you talk in your sleep because it means your subconscious is in control. You can’t filter what you are saying. Your carefully crafted house of lies could suddenly collapse with a single slip of your sleeping tongue. The best way to avoid sleep talking is to avoid sleeping entirely. That’s why the good lord invented caffeine and cocaine.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2013 · 1:19 pm

Pretending You’re Allergic to Something You Just Don’t Like

Pretending you’re allergic to something you just don’t like is quickly becoming the new trend in eating out and it needs to stop. I know that some people have real allergies. Some people can’t even look at a peanut without going into cardiac arrest. Those people have the right to be picky and demand special treatment; it’s totally acceptable if it’s a life or death situation. But some people abuse the system by pretending they have allergies to avoid things that they don’t like. If they don’t like fish, they will claim to have a seafood allergy. If they are dieting and worried about carbohydrates, they will claim to have a gluten allergy. I think they need to lighten up and stop being so damn picky. Pretending you’re allergic to something is a slap in the face to people who have real allergies. And it’s a weird thing to lie about. If you don’t like tomatoes, just say you don’t like tomatoes. You don’t need to pretend like a tomato will kill you. You’re not going to get my sympathy; you’re just going to make me want to feed you a tomato.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2013 · 9:54 am

Stooping

Stooping is when you hang out on a stoop, usually with a few friends and typically with a some drinks, a blunt, and/or some cigarettes. Stooping is a very common activity in a lot of cities. It’s a lot easier to enjoy the outdoors on the steps in front of your door rather than trekking to the park. You just sit on the steps, crack a brew, and enjoy each other’s company as you watch the people go by. Stooping is great because it combines so many of my favorite things into one situation. I like sitting. I like hanging out. I like smoking. I like drinking. I like people watching. And I like being lazy. If you like those things, you would probably like stooping too. It’s fun, simple, cheap, and a great way to pass the time. I highly recommend stooping it for your next casual get together.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 31, 2013 · 8:58 am

Parking Spot

A parking spot is a spot where you park your car. You usually find parking spots in garages, parking lots, and on the side of the road. A parking spot is a precious commodity, especially in a big city. Drivers will go through great lengths to find a good parking spot. A driver might circle the same two blocks for forty-five minutes in a futile attempt to find a spot. A good parking spot is something to fight over. It’s not uncommon for two frustrated drivers to start yelling or throw fists over a few feet of asphalt. Earlier today I went to the neighborhood mom and pop shop to buy some groceries. The cashier greeted me when I walked in, I walked around and gathered my items, but she was gone when I went to pay. I wondered where she disappeared to and then she came running in from the street, apologizing and explaining that she saw a good parking spot open up outside and she had to take it. Perfectly understandable. Parking spots are like opportunities… you have to take them when you can.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 31, 2013 · 8:56 am

Foot Fetish

Do you like feet? Do you think they are sexy? Do they make you hard? Do they make you wet? Do you enjoy sucking on toes? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you probably have a foot fetish. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just not normal and people think that you are weird. There are lots of successful people that have a sexual fascination with feet, but Quentin Tarantino is the only one who comes to mind. Watch any of his films and it’s quite apparent that he has a minor obsession with feet (especially Uma Thurman’s gigantic feet). I think that we should stop calling it a foot fetish and start calling it a feetish. That combines two words into one word, and it has the added bonus of being a pun. Plus it’s fun to say. Feetish. Simply delightful.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 30, 2013 · 12:07 pm

Top 8

I remember a time before Facebook, back when social networking was still in its infancy, there was a site called MySpace. It was a place for friends. And you would analyze your friends, select your favorite eight and rank them, and then you would display them prominently in your Top 8 on your profile. Most people had hundreds of friends, so it was a big honor to make it to someone’s Top 8. And it was a huge insult if you didn’t make the cut (especially if they were in your Top 8. The Top 8 caused a lot of animosity between friends. So MySpace later expanded it to the Top 16. But by then it was too late and Facebook was already taking over the world. Now MySpace and LiveJournal are living under an overpass reminiscing about the good old days. I kind of miss the Top 8. You knew where you stood in life.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 28, 2013 · 9:00 am

Going Slower Than You Usually Do

Not too many things are as frustrating as when you’re going slower than you usually do. You’re doing a task that you do all the time. You know exactly how to do it. You know how long it should take to finish the job. And then some outside force starts dragging you down and holding you back. It’s like driving to work in the rain, you know the best way to get there but the slick roads and idiot drivers are making you late. It’s not your fault but there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s infuriating when you’re not in control. You think that you should have already been done by now, and it makes you mad that you aren’t yet.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 27, 2013 · 11:56 am

Legless Lizards

Legless lizards are lizards with no legs. They look exactly like snakes. But scientists insist that they are legless lizards. A legless lizard is different from a snake because they either have eyelids, external ear holes, or a lack of broad belly scales. But I think that the scientists are just being stubborn. If it looks like a snake, it’s a snake. Let’s not complicate things with mere technicalities.

But if legless lizards do exist, we should do something to help them. I mean they have no legs. They can’t move very far or very fast. Maybe we should all invest in prosthetic lizard legs or lizard wheel chairs. If everybody picked up just one legless lizard each day, and carried them just a few feet, we could make the world a better place. For the legless lizards and for all of us.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 27, 2013 · 11:53 am

Handkerchief

A handkerchief is a piece of fabric that you use to wipe for hygienic purposes. But it’s not very hygienic. At all. It’s kind of like a Kleenex made of reusable cloth. Once upon a time, someone decided that a designated mucus towel is somehow classy and fancy, and society went along with it. But they didn’t fool me. I don’t see much of a difference between using a handkerchief and using your hand to blow your nose and putting the phlegm directly into your pocket. If you have a runny nose, you should just grab a tissue and then throw it away. Handkerchiefs make no sense. You don’t wipe your ass and reuse the toilet paper the next time you have to shit. A handkerchief is essentially a glorified snot rag that you put back into your pocket after you blow your nose. And that’s fucking gross, bro.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 26, 2013 · 8:55 am

Mooning People

Mooning people isn’t very mature, but it’s funnier than hell. Mooning is when you show your bare ass to an unsuspecting victim. I used to moon people a lot when I was younger. I don’t do it anymore. Once you’re over the age of eighteen it can be considered indecent exposure and that doesn’t look so great on the resume. There are a lot of reasons to moon someone. You can moon someone as a joke, you can moon them for revenge, you can moon them just because you feel like it. If you decide to moon somebody, make sure that your victim doesn’t have a stick in their hand. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 25, 2013 · 9:59 am

Don’t Step On a Crack

There’s an old playground saying that goes something like: Don’t step on a crack, or you’ll break your mother’s back. This terrified me as a kid. I jumped over every single sidewalk crack and break in the asphalt. I loved my mother (I still do), I didn’t want her to break her back. And I sure as hell didn’t want to be the one responsible for breaking her back. The guilt and the hospital bills would kill me. I grew up and stopped being OCD about it, but every now and then I will purposely avoid stepping on a crack just in case. She still hasn’t broken her back, so it must be working a little bit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 24, 2013 · 1:13 pm

Peeling Off a Band-Aid

Peeling off a Band-Aid hurts more than getting hurt. You get cut, you get a Band-Aid, you apply it to the wound, you wait a couple of days, and then you try to peel it off. But the adhesive that they use is designed to latch onto your body hair and rip it out. You can take your time and slowly peel off the Band-Aid and prolong your agony, or you can pull it off with one swift motion and potentially rip off your scab, which would require another Band-Aid and you repeat the cycle. Peeling off a Band-Aid is like unwrapping a Christmas present, except you expose a festering wound instead of getting something you want.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 23, 2013 · 1:51 pm

Meh

Meh is the perfect response for when somebody asks you something that you don’t care about. If you’re not hungry and Dave asks what you want for lunch, you might respond with a “Meh.” It’s dismissive but not overly rude. It’s a way of saying that you’re on the negative side of neutral on the subject and that you’re bored by the question. It’s primarily an interjection of indifference, but it can also be used as an adjective to describe something mediocre: “the school play was meh.” Meh is a powerful word. It should be used more often in everyday conversations (and not just by fans of The Simpsons). I was hoping that this post would be a little better, but it turned out kind of meh. Oh well.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 23, 2013 · 1:49 pm

First Aid Kit

If you are as accident-prone as I am, then you should probably have a first aid kit somewhere in your house. A first aid kit is a collection of medical supplies like gauze pads, Band-Aids, antiseptic sprays/wipes, tweezers, aspirin, space blankets… basically everything you need to keep you alive until you get to the hospital. If you don’t have one, you should go get one. Right now. This review can wait. You don’t want to be caught unprepared and there are a billion ways that you could get hurt at any given time. A first aid kit will at least give you a fighting chance to survive in this fucked up world. People get hurt and injured all the time, and a first aid kit could be the difference between life and death. Plus you can always raid it if you’re desperate for a Halloween costume.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2013 · 9:57 am

The New Hundred-Dollar Bill

The US Federal Reserve recently updated the hundred-dollar bill. The old design was starting to show it’s age, plus it was vulnerable to counterfeiting. The new hundreds are instantly recognizable and harder to forge. They are more colorful and have more advanced security features, including a spiffy new blue holographic security ribbon. It’s a significant upgrade and a major improvement from the old design, but American money still pales in comparison to bills from other countries. The new hundreds look cool, but the Federal Reserve needs to step up its game if it wants to compete with the rest of the world. Euros look cooler. Canadian dollars look cooler. Even Mexican pesos look cooler than American money. The hundreds are the best designed bill that we have in our arsenal, but it’s not that impressive compared to other currencies. We are behind the times.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 21, 2013 · 8:20 pm

Slamming the Door on Your Finger

Slamming the door on your fingers is painfully stupid. It hurts like a motherfucker, and you feel like an idiot because you know how they work, you’ve been opening and closing them your whole life. It only takes a split second to slam the door on your misplaced finger. You scream in agony and jump around trying to shake away the pain. You hope that you aren’t going to lose a fingernail because that makes a bad situation even worse. Not only does it hurt like a bitch, but everyone will also see your missing fingernail and ask you what happened, and you’ll spend the next few weeks telling your sob story to family, friends, and strangers. Slamming the door on your finger reminds you that there is no such thing as a safe routine, that sometimes the universe wants you to suffer.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 20, 2013 · 12:07 pm

Falling Off Your Skateboard

If you ride a skateboard, you are going to fall off of it. That’s how it works. It comes with the territory. You’ve never really skated if you’ve never fallen off. I was skating to the store the yesterday and hit a small pothole in the sidewalk. My wheel came to a dead stop and I kept going. I flew off my board and landed heavily on my side. It wasn’t too bad, just a skinned elbow and a little road rash, but I’m still pretty sore today. It feels like I got hit by a truck. Not a semi-truck, more like a small F-150 but it still hurts. I wasted my fall yesterday. Nobody saw it. Falling off your board sucks, but it’s worth it if you have a witness. It’s nothing to be embarrassed of or ashamed about, and it kind of becomes a shared experience when somebody sees you fall. Personally, I think that in the age of YouTube and Fail Videos, any fall that isn’t recorded is a complete waste.  Let’s think about it philosophically for a second… like if a tree falls in an empty forest, does it make a sound? Well, if a skater falls and nobody sees it, does anybody care?  Nope.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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