Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

October 10, 2012 · 9:19 am

Free Samples at Costco

One of the best things about Costco is the free samples. You walk around Costco and get rewarded with bite-sized snacks throughout the store. It’s always a surprise what you will get to try. Sometimes you get bagel dogs, sometimes it’s a type of yogurt, and if you’re lucky you get ice cream or something sweet. The free samples are great, but you start to get greedy. You’ll try to get a second helping of the microwave borscht. Something won’t be quite ready but you’ll linger around pretending not to wait by reading the labels of surrounding products that you’ll never buy. You’ll ask the sample-giver stupid questions, like if it’s gluten-free or low sodium. You don’t give a fuck. They know you don’t give a fuck.

I wonder if anyone has ever brought their own toothpick to Costco… That would be classy.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 9, 2012 · 8:57 am

Deciding Where to Eat

You’ve been hanging out with your friends all afternoon and it’s time to eat. You mention that you want some grub and everyone else is in the same boat. Now you have to decide where to eat. This is where it gets tricky. Everyone has an opinion on what to eat and where. You’ll mention Chinese food, but that will get rejected because Steve had Chinese last night. Someone else brings up pizza, but Stephanie had that for lunch. You’ll suggest Chevy’s and that will get shot down because Bruce saw a cockroach the last time he was there. The more people you are hanging out with, the hard it is deciding where to eat. The next time I hang out with people I’m going to bring beef jerky and PowerBars and avoid the hassle.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 7, 2012 · 10:31 am

Tic Tac

Tic Tac are the mints that you hear coming. They are small hard mints in a plastic case. When I was a kid I would pretend I was popping pills when I ate them. I admit I still do that. They come in a few different flavors: like Fresh mint, cinnamon, wintergreen, and orange. The orange ones don’t do much for your breath, but they are the best Tic Tac to chew. You are pretty sheltered if you’ve never had a Tic Tac. Maybe it’s time to venture out and show your taste buds what the world has to offer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 4, 2012 · 9:59 am

Craving Food and Being Disappointed

Your stomach is growling and it is time to eat. But you can’t settle for just anything. You have a craving for a certain sandwich from a specific spot and nothing else will suffice. You start telling yourself how perfect the sandwich will be, you start hyping it up, and your craving becomes a requirement. You go down to the deli, you order your sandwich and a drink, find a spot to sit, take off the wrapper, and take out your sandwich. You take a picture of it and post it to Facebook. Now you can finally take a bite.

As you take that first bite and start to chew, you realize that something’s wrong. This isn’t the orgasmic experience you were expecting. This sandwich was supposed to change the world, but it just tastes bland. Craving food and being disappointed with it is a letdown. It makes you question your judgment. How can you trust your future cravings? What if you lie to yourself again and you’re stuck with another shitty sandwich?

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2012 · 10:28 am

Listening to Someone Eat

Have you ever had the displeasure of listening to someone eat when you’re not eating? It’s a form of torture. You’re in a quiet room with one other person and all you can hear is them eating. It’s subtle at first, but the constant lip smacking, soft grunts, and heavy nasal breathing are getting louder and louder and more and more disgusting. He sounds like a troll as he sinks he teeth into his sandwich and the sickening sounds of sloppy mastication makes you get up and leave the room. You know he’s not trying to be rude, but he’s making you lose your appetite as he satisfies his. And you would be totally justified in stabbing him in the throat with a fork.  Listening to someone eat is like hearing your parents have sex. You know that it happens, you just don’t want to be there when it does.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 7, 2012 · 10:23 am

Indian on a Tootsie Pop Wrapper

If you’re eating a Tootsie Pop for some reason, you always have to check the wrapper for an Indian shooting an arrow at a star. They aren’t on every Tootsie Pop, so if you get one, consider yourself lucky. When I was a kid, if you found an Indian on a Tootsie Pop wrapper, you could bring it into the store and get a free Tootsie Pop. Some stores still abide by that unwritten rule. If you send your wrapper to Tootsie Roll Industries, supposedly they send you a short story called The Legend of the Indian Wrapper. That’s bullshit. I’d rather have free candy than propaganda.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 4, 2012 · 10:40 am

Chicken Noodle Soup

It sucks being sick with a cold or flu. You have a fever, you have chills, maybe your nose is stuffed or runny. You just want to stay tucked in bed all day. You have to force yourself to drink hot tea, orange juice, and lots of fluids. The only good part of being sick is eating chicken noodle soup. It could be canned, it could be homemade, it doesn’t matter. You just want chicken noodle soup. It warms you up and makes you feel better if only for a moment. I feel bad for vegetarians with colds, because orange juice isn’t quite as satisfying.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 30, 2012 · 7:53 am

Canadian Bacon (food, not the film)

Canadian bacon is not bacon. I’m not even sure it is really from Canada either. Canadian bacon looks like ham, smells like ham, and it tastes like ham. I’m pretty sure it’s fucking ham. It’s mostly found served as a breakfast item or paired up with pineapple on a pizza.

Canadian bacon is a lie. If you want bacon, you need bacon. A slice of imposter ham is not going to satisfy your achin’ for bacon. And yes, that is a reference to The Lion King.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 23, 2012 · 7:57 am

DiGiorno Frozen Pizza

DiGiorno is one of the pioneers of frozen pizzas. They were one of the first frozen pizzas with a rising crust and a fresh-baked taste. A lot of the inferior brands are bland and taste like cardboard. They have a lot of different types of pizza like 4 Cheese, Pepperoni, Supreme, Thin Crust, and a few others. They also make different sized pies; some big enough for a few people and some are personal pies. DiGiorno has a solid ad campaign. Everyone knows that it’s not delivery. It’s DiGiorno.

If you’re going to get a frozen pizza, 9 times out of 10 you’re going to get DiGiorno. And if you don’t get it, you’ll regret it and get it the next time. It’s not the best pizza. It’s a good frozen pizza though. If you want good pizza, go to a pizzeria, not the freezer.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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August 22, 2012 · 10:38 am

CornNuts

CornNuts are a crunchy corn snack made from roasted or deep-fried corn kernels. They are fucking tasty too. If you’ve never had them before, it’s recommended that you go with the Original flavor. Corn is good for you. It’s a vegetable, and veggies are healthy. So if you eat cooked and salted corn kernels, you’re doing your body a favor. As far as junk food and snacks go, this is one of the better options. You can’t eat them all the time, and I’m not sure why you’d want to, but CornNuts are all right by me. They really aren’t healthy for you; I’m not advocating a CornNut diet. But they taste good, and that’s good enough.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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August 13, 2012 · 8:53 am

Hi-Chew

Hi-Chew is a Japanese candy and they are delicious. It’s a fruity, chewy candy and each one is individually wrapped like Starbursts or Mambas, but they seem juicier. They have a few flavors, I’ve tried Banana, Grape, Strawberry, Mango, but there’s a lot more. Did I mention that they are delicious? Because they are. If you like fruit flavored confectionary treats, give these a shot. Just be careful, because if you buy a pack and someone sees it, you’re gonna have to share.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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August 4, 2012 · 9:20 am

Bugles

Bugles are a cone shaped corn snack. They are crispy like chips, but are more fun and you can put them on your fingertips and they look like gnome hats. You might have to use your imagination. They don’t fit quite as well as when they did when I was a kid though. Finger foods are fun. They come in a few different flavors but Original is always the best choice. Bugles are good, but there’s no way you can eat them everyday.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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July 15, 2012 · 9:36 am

Losing a Filling

I have a sweet tooth; I eat more candy than a five-year-old on Halloween. I have a few cavities to prove it. The other day my friend gave me gumball. I didn’t really want it, but it’s bad for the economy to not accept free things. So I took it and chewed it for about fifteen seconds before I realized it shouldn’t be crunchy. That stupid gumball ripped out my filling. Losing a filling sucks. Even as I type this, my tongue keeps exploring the gaping hole in my molar. The worst part is that I can’t eat candy until I get a new filling. Then I will celebrate with some Skittles. I think I’ll avoid the gumballs from now on.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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July 12, 2012 · 10:13 am

Popsicle Stick Jokes

I have a bit of a sweet tooth, so I’ve had my fair share of popsicles in my day. I’ve probably had over a thousand in my lifetime. And I swear there are only twelve popsicle stick jokes on them. Popsicle stick jokes are the cheesiest, corniest jokes, the kind of bullshit that your least favorite grandpa says like, “When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.” Fuck you, it’s still a door. “What kind of room has no doors? A mushroom.” A mushroom is not a room, it’s a fungus, you piece of shit.

Instead of lame jokes, what if they gave you life advice and lotto numbers like fortune cookies?

Critically Rated at 7/17

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July 2, 2012 · 9:49 am

Loadbearing Nutella

Nutella is a delicious chocolate hazelnut spread. It’s great on crepes and on waffles and for supporting broken refrigerator shelves. There’s a broken shelf in my fridge that can’t support any weight. I had a brilliant MacGyver moment and grabbed a jar of Nutella to hold up the shelf. Loadbearing Nutella is delicious and practical, and works best when teamed up with a neglected can of salmon.

Critically Rated at 9/17

loadbearing nutella

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June 26, 2012 · 9:15 am

Smacking Your Gum

Ok, annoying bitch on the bus who keeps on smacking your gum, you need to stop. Either spit out your gum or keep your fucking mouth closed. You are fucking gross and disgusting, you fucking perpetual masticator. Is that your first piece of gum? Because if it’s not, than you have been chewing gum wrong for years and that’s fucking pathetic. Each time you smack your gum, I want to smack you. And I’d be justified in doing it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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June 11, 2012 · 7:21 am

Corn Dogs

Corn dogs are my personal favorite deep-fried food on a stick. I think that a lot of people are with me on this one. Hot dogs are good, cornbread is good, combine the two and shove a stick in it, add some mustard and you are good to go. Some people don’t like corn dogs. Some people had a shitty childhood. Corn dogs remind me of carnivals and fairs and summertime. Comfort food is good. Comfort food on a stick is even better.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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