Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

June 8, 2012 · 9:50 am

An Onion Ring Hiding in Your Fries

It’s late at night and you’re in the mood to eat shitty food and so you go to Burger King or maybe Jack in the Box and hit up the drive-through. You order a regular value meal because you’re too cheap to upgrade. You pay, you get your food, and you get on your way. As you start scarfing down your burger, you grab a handful of fries to shove in your mouth, but something doesn’t feel right. You look down at your handful of fries and see a golden deep-fried object. It’s an onion ring hiding in your fries. It’s like a fast food prize for adults. You didn’t pay for that o-ring, but it’s there and you’re going to eat it because you’re only human and it’s delicious. You have to be thankful for the little things in life, and that’s one of the better little things.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

June 3, 2012 · 8:28 am

SweeTarts

SweeTarts are sweet and sour candies made by the Willy Wonka Candy Company. I wish that Oompa-Loompas actually made this candy, but Wonka is owned by Nestle. They are kind of chalky and pasty; you either love them or hate them. A quick look on Wikipedia tells me that they are essentially the same recipe as Pixy Stix or Lik-M-Aid, just in pill form as opposed to powdered. Get kids hooked on sugar and they will keep coming back. I can’t really tell what the flavors are, but they come in different colors and that’s good enough for me.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

May 30, 2012 · 9:30 am

A Burger Joint That Runs Out of Fries

I know that people aren’t perfect and that sometimes they make mistakes. And I know that people run burger joints because we don’t have robots technologically advanced enough to run burger joints. And so if those people that run the burger joint make a mistake I can understand it. But not if they run out of fries. French fries are a staple of burger joints. A burger without fries is like wearing a shoe without a sock; you can do it, it’s just wrong and it feels weird. I’ve noticed that burger joints never run out of buns or patties either. Just fries. A burger joint without fries is like a Chinese restaurant without rice. Why are you even open?

Critically Rated at 3/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

May 27, 2012 · 10:24 am

Dropping Your Food Before You Take a Bite

Nobody is perfect. And nothing is a greater reminder of that like dropping your food before you even take a bite. That sucks. It’s infuriating. It’s always something delicious or something you’ve been craving for a while too. You get it at the store and you’re all excited for your taste buds. You prepare it, get it all ready, get yourself comfortable and situated… Just as you are about to sample that first savory bite, your clumsy ass drops it on the floor. You stare in sullen disbelief, not even the five second rule can redeem this fuck up. You have failed and you know it. I really wanted that string cheese too.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , ,

May 25, 2012 · 10:34 am

The Biggest French Fry

You are hungry and broke. Only a few places will accept five bucks and give you a meal in return. McDonald’s is one of those places. You order a value meal, which comes with a drink, a burger/sandwich, and French fries. The burger/sandwich is mediocre and the soda is flat and pathetic. But the fries are usually always decent. And there is always one big French fry. It stands out. The one big fry that came from a mutant potato that’s bigger than your head. It is a sign of freedom, of being an American and feeling like you are entitled to the world. I hope everyone can experience the biggest French fry.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , ,

May 23, 2012 · 7:44 am

Grilled/Cooked Pineapple

Pineapple is delicious. Tangy and sweet and delicious. There is nothing wrong with it. Until you grill it or cook it or heat it up. Pineapple should be served cold or at least room temperature if it’s canned. Grilled/cooked pineapple is gross. It’s unnatural. But then some people insist on throwing it on a pizza, or a kabob, or even on a hamburger. Blasphemy! If you wanna add pineapple on a pizza, you need to hold a debate first. You can’t just throw that shit on there, that’s a friendship ender.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , ,

May 12, 2012 · 9:34 am

Mint M&M’s

M&M’s are a staple of a happy childhood. M&M’s are bite-sized chocolates with a colorful candy shell. You should know this already, even if you didn’t have a happy childhood. Sometimes when a product is successful, they add more shit to the original formula to make it better. With M&M’s they added peanuts, peanut butter, pretzels… and now they have mint flavored M&M’s made with dark chocolate. It’s a sexy flavor with the sexiest spokescandy (the green one). It has a smooth chocolate mint flavor, it is like an Andes mint but crunchier. It tastes good and it’s refreshing, but it won’t make your breath smell better. You shouldn’t rely on candy to hide your halitosis anyway.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

May 3, 2012 · 8:54 am

Breakfast for Dinner

Breakfast food is amazing. Eggs, waffles, pancakes, hash browns, sausage, home fries, toast, bacon…. Some of the greatest creations are breakfast foods. The only problem with breakfast is that it’s too damn early. And sometimes I sleep in. But this is America, and there’s no rule prohibiting you from eating breakfast for another meal. Sometimes I want breakfast for dinner. Sometimes I want breakfast for lunch. I’m not talking about brunch. This is lunchtime and I want breakfast. IHOP, Denny’s and small diners know that you love eggs and bacon anytime of the day. It’s my dream to have breakfast foods available 24/7. I’m not worried about the economy or global warming. I think a lack of breakfast options after 11:00 AM is a bigger issue.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

April 27, 2012 · 8:55 am

Cheese Pizza

I just don’t see the point of ordering a cheese pizza. If you order a pizza, you should get a topping. Pizza comes with cheese on it already. It’s so boring too. At least get peperoni or something. If you’re a vegetarian, get a veggie combo or add mushrooms or something. Ordering a cheese pizza is like ordering a hot fudge sundae without hot fudge, nuts, or a cherry. It’s just vanilla ice cream and it’s not worth it. Cheese is good, they know that, that’s why they already included it on your pizza. Do you wanna suck on a popsicle or an ice cube? Put something else on it, you cheap tasteless bastard.

Critically Rated at 2/17

1 Comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , ,

April 25, 2012 · 9:53 am

Pretzel M&M’s

Candy is good. Chocolate is a good candy. M&M’s are a popular chocolate candy. Snacks are good. Pretzels are a good snack. Pretzels are a popular snack. People like to combine good things. Like chocolate and pretzels. The makers of M&M’s figured this out, and we’ve been able to enjoy Pretzel M&M’s ever since. And life has been good. If you like bite-sized chocolate candies, but wish there was a crunchy, salty pretzel center, this is the product for you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

April 14, 2012 · 8:55 am

Goldfish Saltine

The classic fish-shaped snack has another flavor in it’s arsenal; saltine. Yup, now you can have a bland, tasteless cracker in a fun fish shape. If you like plain rice cakes or a mouthful of chalk, you might enjoy Goldfish Saltines. They look like fish, and some of them have happy faces. What more do you need? Flavor and taste are overrated. Bland is the new black.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

April 6, 2012 · 9:05 am

Starburst Sour GummiBursts Liquid Filled Gummies

The makers of Starburst have a new chewy fruity candy out now. They are like wannabe Gushers, but with less gushiness. There is a little liquid filled center, but it is such a miniscule amount that you would just think it was a flavor burst and not a liquid burst. There’s nothing mouthwatering about liquid filled gummies. Do you really want to enjoy a candy that has liquid bursting from it? I’m slightly weirded out by that concept, and I don’t think that I’m alone.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , ,

March 26, 2012 · 8:23 am

Peanut M&M’s

The classic bite-sized chocolates in a colorful candy shell get a peanut center in this upgrade. People like salty peanuts. People like sweet chocolate. People like small orbs that they can eat. If you haven’t tried Peanut M&M’s at this point in your life, I’m guessing you have a severe nut allergy. If you’re ever bored, I suggest you try a handful of these delicious candies, and then immediately inject yourself with an EpiPen. It’s totally worth it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , ,

March 24, 2012 · 8:24 am

Baby Ruth

Baby Ruth is an American candy bar. It has peanuts, chocolate flavored nougat, caramel and a chocolate coating. It tastes like a generic Snickers bar. The name is a blatant rip-off of Babe Ruth. The makers claim it’s named after President Grover Cleveland’s daughter Ruth. That’s bullshit. I know it. You know it. They know it. Babe Ruth knows it. It’s a decent candy bar; it just pales in comparison with Snickers.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

March 23, 2012 · 9:38 am

David Sunflower Seeds Original

I can’t wait for the Major League Baseball season to begin, and so I will write about the game’s official snack. Hot dogs and Cracker Jack are typical stadium junk food, but it you want to act like you’re in the game, you need sunflower seeds. And no brand of seeds is better than David. David sunflower seeds are consistent in size and flavor, with the occasional salt lump thrown in as well. The bag calls eating seeds a “snacktivity.” That’s clever and true, you have to do some work to eat seeds. Amateurs can only eat them one at a time, but if you are a stud like me, you can store a handful in your cheek like a hamster and use your tongue and teeth to de-shell them. If you can eat the kernel and spit out the shell without biting your tongue then you are doing it right. Good for you. I take back all that shit I said about you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , ,

March 22, 2012 · 9:50 am

Twix

Two for me, none for you. Twix are cookies bars with caramel and a chocolate coating. They are delicious. As George Costanza will tell you, Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. They come typically come in pairs of two per pack. Wikipedia tells me that they are called Twix because they are “twin sticks”. That makes sense. If you are an American, you love cookies, caramel, and chocolate; a candy that provides all of the above is proof that God loves us and wants us to be diabetic.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , ,

March 15, 2012 · 9:20 am

Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra

Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra is a core of soft caramel surrounded by chocolate and caramel ice creams and fudge chips. If that sounds intense, it is. It’s super rich and the caramel core is a big glob of sugary glop. It is extremely chocolately and caramely. In case you didn’t know it is named after the Kama Sutra, a delightful ancient Indian children’s story. It’s actually a sex book, making this flavor a very sexy pun. Props to Ben and his pal Jerry.

Critically Rated at 13/17

1 Comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , ,