Tag Archives: restaurants

Split Checks

Want to piss off your server? Tell him that you want split checks after he drops off your bill. I realize that split checks are sometimes necessary, but you should tell the server before he starts to take your order if you know that you’re going to need split checks. That saves him time and that saves you time. It’s not your server’s responsibility to ask if you’re going to want split checks. Most customers take offense to that. It implies that they are rude, cheap, or both. If you’re sitting together, that means that you’re one party. One party gets one check. Most restaurants can split payments, and that’s a lot easier than splitting checks. You should bring cash or a card, keep track of what you ordered, and pay accordingly if you’re going to eat with a group. Give the right amount of cash to whoever is handing the bill. If you have a card, tell the server how much to run it for. Be simple and make it easy as possible for your server. Don’t be a difficult guest. And don’t forget to tip.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Not Tipping

It takes a special kind of scum to practice not tipping. You should always tip your server 15%-20%, even if the kitchen fucked up on your burger. It’s not the server’s fault that the kitchen fucked up. The server has to tip out the bartenders, bussers, the food runner, and sometimes the hosts and expo depending on the restaurant. The server can actually lose money if you don’t tip. Don’t go to a fucking sit-down restaurant if you don’t want to tip, it’s as simple as that. Go to McDonald’s if you want to be cheap. Serving is a hard job. It’s something that everybody should try at least once so you can experience how much bullshit a server has to deal with on a shift. Some customers come in with a chip on their shoulder and run you ragged. They suck their soda down faster than you can refill it. They order water and then specify they didn’t want ice when you bring it to the table. They customize an entrée and make it a whole new dish that takes fifteen minutes to ring in and explain to the cooks. They flag you down when you’re helping another table. They’ll ask for ranch then ask for mayo when you drop off the ranch and ask for more hot sauce when you drop off the mayo. And they end their evening by leaving exact change and no tip. Miserable people like to spread their misery to other people. It’s the only thing that makes them feel alive. There’s an old adage that goes something like, “If you want to see a person’s true character, see how they treat the waiter.” Most people are decent, hardworking, polite, respectful… but holy shit, there are some fucking assholes out there. They are the ones who don’t tip and never call their mothers.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Asking for a To-Go Box and Leaving It on the Table

Some people go out to eat, order too much, ask for a to-go box to take their leftovers home, and then leave their box of food on the table when they leave. Asking for a to-go box and leaving it on the table is counterproductive and wasteful. Not only are you wasting your extra food, but now you’re also wasting the to-go box and the bag that goes with it. Did you only ask for the box to test your server’s attentiveness? If you ask for a box, then you should use that fucking box. It’s common courtesy.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Goldfish Parmesan

Goldfish Parmesan are the Parmesan cheese-flavored version of Pepperidge Farm’s famous fish-shaped baked snack crackers. They taste kind of bland when compared to the other flavors of Goldfish. They don’t taste cheesy at all, which is ok because processed cheese flavor can sometimes be overwhelming and slightly disgusting. It’s impossible to look tough when you’re eating Goldfish. Little smiling fishlike snacks aren’t that intimidating for some reason. Goldfish Parmesan is decent, but more flavor would be nice. I’ll stick with the classic Cheddar flavor for now.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting a Fork at an Asian Restaurant

You’re hungry and in the mood for some rice and decide to try out that new Chinese place down the street. You get a table, sit down, pour some tea, and glance at the menu. At one point you notice that there isn’t any silverware on the table, just a few pairs of chopsticks. That’s ok because you know how to use chopsticks and want to show off your skills. Your waitress doesn’t think you have what it takes and she brings you a fork. Getting a fork at an Asian restaurant is an insult. It’s insulting for them to bring you one without you asking for one. That means they think you suck and aren’t cultured. It’s also insulting if you ask for a fork. I know that eating with sticks is hard, but you should eat Asian food the Asian way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Chevys

Chevys is a popular chain restaurant that serves Tex-Mex food. Well, it’s not that popular anymore. They seem to be closing locations down left and right. Either way, Chevys was known primarily for its margaritas, freshly made tortillas, and birthday sombrero hats. If you grew up in the suburbs you were required to go to a Chevys for a birthday party at some point in your life. You might have fond memories of Chevys but if you go into one now you’ll see how depressing they’ve become. Maybe that’s why they’re closing left and right.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Eating Alone at a Restaurant

It’s the middle of the day and it’s time for lunch. You decide that you want to go to a real restaurant because three consecutive lunches at McDonald’s is too much. You invite a few friends or coworkers, but everyone is busy or can’t make it in time. It’s time to swallow your pride and tell the hostess that you only need a table for one. She looks at you like you’re a loser and you feel like one. But your stomach tells you to shut up, sit down, and order something. There’s nothing wrong with dining alone, but you feel awkward and overhearing other people socializing, talking and having fun isn’t helping your self-esteem any. Oh well, at least your fries taste good.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Deciding Where to Eat

You’ve been hanging out with your friends all afternoon and it’s time to eat. You mention that you want some grub and everyone else is in the same boat. Now you have to decide where to eat. This is where it gets tricky. Everyone has an opinion on what to eat and where. You’ll mention Chinese food, but that will get rejected because Steve had Chinese last night. Someone else brings up pizza, but Stephanie had that for lunch. You’ll suggest Chevy’s and that will get shot down because Bruce saw a cockroach the last time he was there. The more people you are hanging out with, the hard it is deciding where to eat. The next time I hang out with people I’m going to bring beef jerky and PowerBars and avoid the hassle.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Last Table in the Restaurant

I work in the service industry and I’m going to tell you a secret: if you go into a sit-down restaurant five minutes before they close, you are scum. You have pissed off the host, the server, the bartender, the busser, the kitchen, and the closing manager. I know you are hungry and that sucks, but I’m tired and want to go home. Or to the bar. Either way, I don’t want to serve you. The cooks don’t want me to serve you either. They started mentally checking out thirty minutes before closing. The host has to stay an extra forty minutes just to smile and thank you for visiting when you leave. The bartender already yelled last call before you got there, so consider yourself lucky if you can get a drink. The manager can’t leave until the bartender leaves, and the bartender can’t leave until the server leaves, and the server can’t leave until your inconsiderate ass does. If it’s late and you just want a bite to eat, get some fast food. If you want to be an asshole, go to a sit-down restaurant five minutes before close. There’s a special spot in Hell reserved for the last table in the restaurant.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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Water With No Ice

I’m in the service industry and people order water all the time. Water is free. They get water with a soda, they get it with a cocktail, they get it when they don’t want to pay for a drink. So if you order a just a water and I bring it to you and then you suddenly specify that you want a water with no ice, I want to throw that shit in your face. Fuck you. Ice is fucking water. If you want water with no ice, let it sit and melt and don’t fucking bother me. If you order just a water then I know you are cheap and I know you won’t tip. That’s why I gave you water with ice, I’m hoping you will choke on a cube.

Critically Rated at 1/17

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An Onion Ring Hiding in Your Fries

It’s late at night and you’re in the mood to eat shitty food and so you go to Burger King or maybe Jack in the Box and hit up the drive-through. You order a regular value meal because you’re too cheap to upgrade. You pay, you get your food, and you get on your way. As you start scarfing down your burger, you grab a handful of fries to shove in your mouth, but something doesn’t feel right. You look down at your handful of fries and see a golden deep-fried object. It’s an onion ring hiding in your fries. It’s like a fast food prize for adults. You didn’t pay for that o-ring, but it’s there and you’re going to eat it because you’re only human and it’s delicious. You have to be thankful for the little things in life, and that’s one of the better little things.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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A Burger Joint That Runs Out of Fries

I know that people aren’t perfect and that sometimes they make mistakes. And I know that people run burger joints because we don’t have robots technologically advanced enough to run burger joints. And so if those people that run the burger joint make a mistake I can understand it. But not if they run out of fries. French fries are a staple of burger joints. A burger without fries is like wearing a shoe without a sock; you can do it, it’s just wrong and it feels weird. I’ve noticed that burger joints never run out of buns or patties either. Just fries. A burger joint without fries is like a Chinese restaurant without rice. Why are you even open?

Critically Rated at 3/17

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The Biggest French Fry

You are hungry and broke. Only a few places will accept five bucks and give you a meal in return. McDonald’s is one of those places. You order a value meal, which comes with a drink, a burger/sandwich, and French fries. The burger/sandwich is mediocre and the soda is flat and pathetic. But the fries are usually always decent. And there is always one big French fry. It stands out. The one big fry that came from a mutant potato that’s bigger than your head. It is a sign of freedom, of being an American and feeling like you are entitled to the world. I hope everyone can experience the biggest French fry.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Sit-down Restaurants Without a Host Stand

Consistency is key. If you discover a new restaurant that looks interesting, you should be able to enter the establishment and see the host stand. Then you tell the host how many are in your party, and she will take you to a table where you can have a seat and look over the menu. Then your server comes over and takes your order and you relax and socialize while the cooks make your food, then the food comes out and you eat it. And then you pay (and you tip 20% because you’re not cheap), and then you leave. Simple, easy, and the standard way to do it.

But then there are stupid restaurants that don’t have a host stand. These trendy restaurants try to make up their own rules, like getting customers to order in line and pay in advance for food, and not having a waiter, so you have no idea who to ask for hot sauce or another round of drinks or order dessert from. The shitty place I went to last night didn’t even have booze (essential to survive any family dinner). No host stand means trouble. It means they have their own rules that only regulars know. They make the outsiders feel stupid for not knowing how to order. Restaurants should all follow the same basic procedure so you don’t feel like a dumbass for not knowing their absurd ordering process. If I go into a new place and don’t know how to get the food that I want in my stomach, then I will go somewhere that wants me to order their food.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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