Tag Archives: breakfast

Skipping Breakfast 

I skip breakfast. I usually wake up, take a shit and a shower, get dressed, and go to work. I’ll have a cup of black coffee and a glass of ice water in the breakroom before my shift starts. My first meal is usually lunch, then I’ll snack throughout the day until dinner, and maybe a few more munchies before bedtime. That’s been my routine for a while now. 

The nice thing about skipping breakfast is that I’m conditioned to it and my body doesn’t rely on it. So when I do actually do eat breakfast I feel like Popeye downing a can of spinach. All the naysayers will say that’s proof that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Malarkey, it’s just a boost like a video game power up. 

The weird thing is that I like breakfast foods. Eggs, hash browns, sausage, pancakes, motherfucking bacon… all are delicious, but I’d rather have them for dinner when I’m awake enough to enjoy them. Cereal is more of a snack for me, but I’d rather eat it straight from the box than pour it in a bowl with milk. That makes it soggy and soggy cereal is gross. Don’t get me wrong. Breakfast is good, it’s just too early for me. I need time to build up my appetite.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cereal is a Soup

A lot of my stories start out like this but I was at the bar the other day, only this time I was having a serious discussion about the classification of cereal with my friend. I said that cereal is a soup. He disagreed. I rattled off a few of my points: it’s mostly liquid, it’s served in a bowl, and you generally eat it with a spoon. He said it can’t be a soup because it’s cold. Being the Simpsons fan that I am, I told him that gazpacho is a tomato soup served ice cold. I looked up cereal on Wikipedia and it defines cereal as a food made from processed grains, served either hot or cold, and generally eaten as the first meal of the day. I propose that cereal is a breakfast soup. I think that’s a logical conclusion.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Orange Juice

Orange juice is juice made from oranges. You can drink it anytime you want, but most people consider it to be a breakfast beverage. It’s full of vitamin C, so it will help fight colds and stop scurvy. It’s also an essential ingredient for mimosas and screwdrivers. It tastes good, is beneficial to your health, and it makes a great mixer. No refrigerator is complete without it. Orange juice is commonly referred to as OJ. It’s the only juice that gets an abbreviated name. Apple juice is apple juice, not AJ. Pineapple juice is pineapple juice, not PJ. Cranberry juice is cranberry juice, not CJ. Grape juice is grape juice, not GJ. I don’t know why orange juice is the lone exception. You would think that Minute Maid and Tropicana would try to distance themselves from the term OJ after the whole incident involving a certain football player, two dead people, and a white Bronco, but I guess OJ is too established a term.
When you’re picking out orange juice, you have to pay attention to your pulp levels. So,e people love pulp, some people hate it, and some have no feelings toward it. No Pulp is always a safe option, but it’s boring. You want some pulp, just not too much. Luckily Some Pulp is actually an option. I think Tropicana makes it. It’s the ideal pulp level for mimosas.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Brunch

Brunch is the miraculous mealtime hybrid that combines breakfast and lunch. It’s a late morning/early afternoon meal. It’s meant to be a social affair; you’re supposed to eat it with family and friends. Nobody goes to brunch alone. That’s depressing and weird. Most brunches have a diverse menu, ranging from breakfast foods like eggs and waffles to lunchtime foods like little sammiches, quiche, and cuts of meat. You might also expect to find rolls, cheese, salads, pasta dishes, and an array of fruits. Cantaloupe is required. It’s not brunch without cantaloupe. You can eat brunch any day of the week, but it’s best on Sundays. There’s no better way to get rid of your hangover than by having a big meal with good people and washing it all down with a few Mimosas and a Bloody Mary. It’s hard to top that. Brunch just might be the most enjoyable meal of the day.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ocean Spray 100% Pineapple Peach Mango Juice Blend

Ocean Spray is primarily known for their cranberries and cranberry juices. But they’ve delved into other juice blends too. Juice blends like Pineapple Peach Mango. It’s a refreshing tropical juice medley made with pineapple juice concentrate, mango juice concentrate, peach puree concentrate, apple juice concentrate, and grape juice concentrate. That’s five concentrated fruits, which makes for a very focused juice. Ocean Spray 100% Pineapple Peach Mango Juice Blend is a solid alternative to orange juice. It’s a great breakfast beverage, especially on a hot day. It would also make a pretty good mixer for gin or vodka. Alcohol makes everything better.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Opening the Cereal Box Upside Down

It’s too early and you’re too tired to make breakfast so you settle for some cereal. You shuffle over to the cabinet and grab the box of cereal you bought the day before. You groggily open it up and pour your flakes into a bowl, add a little milk, and start eating. The next day you wake up too early again, grab the box of cereal and notice that you opened it upside down. It’s not a huge deal but you are stuck with an upside down box of cereal for the next week. You have to tilt your head to read the nutrition facts, you can’t play any of the kid’s games on the back, and you are judged by anyone who sees your upside down box of cereal. They should make cereal boxes like playing cards so it doesn’t matter which end is up. You just have to make sure you don’t open up both ends because you will get cereal all over the floor.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Canadian Bacon (food, not the film)

Canadian bacon is not bacon. I’m not even sure it is really from Canada either. Canadian bacon looks like ham, smells like ham, and it tastes like ham. I’m pretty sure it’s fucking ham. It’s mostly found served as a breakfast item or paired up with pineapple on a pizza.

Canadian bacon is a lie. If you want bacon, you need bacon. A slice of imposter ham is not going to satisfy your achin’ for bacon. And yes, that is a reference to The Lion King.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Breakfast for Dinner

Breakfast food is amazing. Eggs, waffles, pancakes, hash browns, sausage, home fries, toast, bacon…. Some of the greatest creations are breakfast foods. The only problem with breakfast is that it’s too damn early. And sometimes I sleep in. But this is America, and there’s no rule prohibiting you from eating breakfast for another meal. Sometimes I want breakfast for dinner. Sometimes I want breakfast for lunch. I’m not talking about brunch. This is lunchtime and I want breakfast. IHOP, Denny’s and small diners know that you love eggs and bacon anytime of the day. It’s my dream to have breakfast foods available 24/7. I’m not worried about the economy or global warming. I think a lack of breakfast options after 11:00 AM is a bigger issue.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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