Category Archives: Random Rants
February 3, 2013 · 10:53 am
Shit is everywhere. It gets around. Everyday you have to worry about stepping in dog shit and getting shit on your finger when you wipe. You’re so preoccupied with shit on the ground or the toilet seat that you completely forget about getting shit on from above. That’s why bird shit is so deadly; an aerial bombardment of avian fecal matter can happen unexpectedly and ruin your day. It will get in your hair, splash on your face, land in your drink… getting shat on is a terrible feeling. But it’s a tremendous feeling when is happens to someone else. You’ll try to sympathize but you’re laughing too hard for them to believe you. Bird shit is commonly found on statues, parked cars, and recently cleaned windows. If you haven’t been bird shat on yet, you’re due and it’s gonna be a big one. Keep a wet nap handy.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
February 2, 2013 · 9:40 am
Friday night rolls around but you can’t have fun because you’re working the closing shift. Being the closer sucks sometimes. Yeah, you have a job and responsibility and that’s good, but you’re still stuck at work all night while you imagine everyone else out getting drunk and having sex with attractive strangers. Making money is all right but it’s more fun spending it. Closing shifts mean sacrificing your evening. You ever notice that you can’t spell “closer” without “loser?” Have fun tonight, I know I won’t because I’m closing.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
February 1, 2013 · 10:15 am
I went to take my daily shit and noticed that somebody used up all the toilet paper except for one sheet. A single sheet of TP is useless. It’s not even enough to wipe a fart away. If you use it all up, replace it. Because I’ll use your towel next time. Replacing the toilet paper takes 10 seconds. The hardest part is making sure it hangs the right way. The sad thing is that some people still fail at such a simple task. The sadder thing is that they don’t know that they failed.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
February 1, 2013 · 10:09 am
Billions of people rely on candles every day, from Amish families using them for light, to people celebrating their birthdays, to desperate guys attempting to be romantic. There’s no denying the staying power of flammable wax sticks. Candles used to be a necessity, one of the few ways to ward off the darkness. Now candles are almost a novelty. You mostly find them on birthday cakes and in private bathrooms. Scented candles are good for mood lighting and masking that weird smell in your room. And they are handy in emergencies. Now you can see in the dark and smell good at the same time.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 31, 2013 · 10:06 am
If you are still saying or using #winning, then you are a #loser. Really. You are a fucking loser, a tool, that guy who hits on high school girls. That’s you. Remember how #winning got started? It all started when Charlie Sheen got fired from his shitty show and went crazy on social media, calling people trolls and claiming he had tiger blood and Adonis DNA (neither has been verified). That was back in February/March of 2011. It was two fucking years ago. Internet memes are old after 2 weeks. #winning is over. It’s been over. For a long time. It’s not relevant anymore. Nobody cares what Chuck Norris is capable of, or that Charlie bit your finger… so why do you think they care if you’re #winning?
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 30, 2013 · 10:22 am
I remember waiting for an elevator when I was about seven or eight years old. The doors opened and I shoved my way inside. As I did, an old lady told me something that I never forgot: “Let them out first!” And that makes sense. It doesn’t matter if you’re waiting for an elevator, the bus, or taking the subway, let them out first. It’s polite, it’s considerate, it’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s actually harder to force your way in when everybody else is going out. Don’t be a salmon. Don’t go against the flow. Let them out first.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 29, 2013 · 9:50 am
People are violent and like to punch other people, especially in the skull. And some people are even more violent and want to break skulls when they punch them. That’s when they get brass knuckles. Now when they can crack skulls all day long with minimal effort. Not just skulls either, you can break all kinds of bones. Brass knuckles are typically made out of steal. They should change the name to reflect that. Maybe call them steal knuckles or metal knuckles. Some people call them knuckledusters. I like that, let’s call them that.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 28, 2013 · 11:00 am
A gift card is something that you get for someone when you don’t know what to give them. It’s almost as good as cash but not as tacky. You know that your mom likes to read but you don’t know which crappy murder mysteries she’s already read. Boom, gift card. You know that your brother likes music but doesn’t like paying for it. Boom, gift card. You just realized five minutes ago that it’s your best friend’s birthday. Boom, gift card. Shopping for people sucks. Let them choose what they want. Get them a gift card and be done with it.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 27, 2013 · 10:00 am
Paper clips aren’t just office supplies, they are one of the most versatile tools that man has at his disposal. Sure, they clip paper together nicely, but you can use them for so many more things. You can clip other things together, like money and other paper clips. You can straighten them out and poke things. You can bend them into different shapes for arts and crafts projects or picking locks. Stoners prefer them over Swiss Army knives because you can scrape a bowl clean, unclog it when it’s not hitting, and use it to help pack joints. Paper clips even guide you through Microsoft Word. Fucking Clippy. I hated him so much. He set paper clips back ten years. They’re only now starting to make a comeback.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 27, 2013 · 9:57 am
Splinters are small foreign objects that penetrate and get embedded under your skin. They cause irritation and can lead to infection. You can get metal, plastic, and fiberglass splinters, but most of the time you get a splinter from something wooden, like an old dock or a pair of cheap chopsticks. Most people use tweezers to remove the splinter. They aren’t just for plucking your unibrow. Splinters suck, the lone exception being Splinter from the Ninja Turtles.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 23, 2013 · 10:00 am
Some people don’t grasp the fact that public transportation is for the public. That means lots of people ride it and everyone has to deal with each other. There are certain rules and customs that people abide by so that they don’t kill anyone. For example you shouldn’t sit in the aisle seat if there’s nobody in the window seat. The first person to sit down in each row should take the window seat. You’re an asshole if you’re blocking the window seat. You’re trying to keep personal space for your selfish self at the expense of the little old lady who is now forced to stand. You’re not making things any more convenient for yourself either. If the bus is crowded someone will tap you on the shoulder and ask to sit down. And you’ll have to get up and move when they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting there because your stop is coming up. Get up and wait by the fucking exit then. There’s no excuse for blocking the window seat. It’s even worse to sit in the window seat and block the aisle seat. You’re just an asshole. Accept it or change your ways.
Critically Rated at 3/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
Filed under Random Rants
Tagged as aisle seat, asshole, blocking the window seat, bus, little old lady, personal space, public transportation, seat, sit, train, transportation, window seat
January 21, 2013 · 11:10 am
I have a room with a window that overlooks a fairly busy street. I live in a major city, I’m right by an intersection, there’s a bus stop… sometimes shit happens. And when it does, I’m not above gawking. But nobody wants to be caught staring so you have to be discrete. Peering out from your blinds is the way to go. Venetian blinds are ideal for people watching. That’s probably why they are so common. The next time that you’re waiting at the bus stop, look around and see if anybody is watching you. I guarantee that someone is looking at you from behind some blinds somewhere.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 19, 2013 · 9:55 am
I was just skating casually down the sidewalk when a small dog went crazy and barking its head off. Like howling and yipping and trying to attack me. I wasn’t even close to it; I was on the other side of the street. I don’t get dogs that bark at skateboards. I’ve had dogs. I’ve had skateboards. None of my dogs ever went nuts because of a board with wheels. Skateboards aren’t any louder than cars. They are no more intimidating than Roller Blades. Some dogs even fucking ride skateboards. I’m going to have to put this on bad training. A dog should be used to skateboards, bikes, cars, scooters… you know, common methods of transportation. Most dogs are well behaved, but if a skateboard freaks out your dog then you’re probably not taking him outside enough. You are a terrible person.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
Filed under Random Rants
Tagged as bad training, bark, barks, dog, dogs, dogs that bark at skateboards, roller blades, skateboard, skateboarder, skateboards, terrible person, transportation
January 17, 2013 · 11:13 am
Some people are in the habit of holding their breath when they drive through a tunnel. I know this because I am one of them. I’ve done it ever since I was a kid. It’s a custom that’s been passed down for generations. When I asked why, I was told it was an emergency air supply if the tunnel suddenly collapsed. It seemed reasonable at the time so I never questioned it and I’ve been doing it ever since. It’s better to hold your breath when you’re the passenger. You can get lightheaded and that’s not so bueno if you’re driving. Once you’ve made it through the tunnel successfully, you get to make a wish. That’s your reward for surviving the trip. Use it wisely.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
Filed under Random Rants
Tagged as breath, cars, collapse, drive, drives, driving, emergency air, hold your breath, holding your breath when you drive through a tunnel, tunnel, tunnels
January 16, 2013 · 9:55 am
Sorry to rock your world, but there’s shit inside your teeth that can become infected and fucking kill you. Inside each tooth there is pulp, a soft tissue composed of nerves, blood vessels, connective tissue, and fun stuff like that. If the pulp gets infected than you need to get a root canal. That’s where the dentist drills into your tooth, scrapes out all the pulp, cleans the inside of your tooth, fills it up, and tops it with a crown. It’s a relatively painless procedure, other than getting jabbed and stabbed with needles to numb the area. It’s also kind of expensive because BMWs aren’t cheap and the dentist needs to get around somehow.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 14, 2013 · 9:51 am
Sharpies are the preferred permanent marker of millions. Magic Markers can fuck off. Sharpies used to only come in black, but now they come in a variety of other colors too. They have a lot of uses: writing your name and phone number on personal objects, for arts and crafts projects, and for sniffing when you’re too broke to buy weed or beer. They can do everything a pen can do, but bigger and more extreme. Pens are mostly confined to paper like a car’s confined to streets. Sharpies are like the ATVs of writing utensils. They’re more versatile, they can write on more surfaces, and there’s a broader spectrum of users and uses for them. Plus they are ideal for drawing penises and swastikas on people who pass out.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
January 13, 2013 · 11:42 am
You just got a haircut and you’re looking good but feeling itchy. Somehow some rouge hairs got up under your shirt and onto your shoulders and that shit is starting to chafe. As you’re slowly being stabbed by your own sheared follicles, you’ll wonder how effective your conditioner is because it’s obviously not making your hair soft and silky. That shit hurts. Being itchy after a haircut is one of the drawbacks of personal grooming, but society requires us to look presentable.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
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