Tag Archives: wet nap

Wet Naps

You’re at your favorite BBQ joint eating ribs, and you’re getting barbeque sauce all over the place because ribs are messy and you’re a slob. It’s always a good idea to grab a few extra napkins to keep the mess contained, but at the end of your meal you’re going to need a wet nap. A wet nap can also be called a wet wipe or a moist towelette. It’s an individually wrapped piece of moistened cloth or paper used for wiping barbecue sauce and fried chicken grease off your hands when you’re done eating. You use them after the meal, never before. If your hands are dirty before the meal, then wash fucking wash them in the fucking sink with fucking soap and fucking hot water. Wet naps are like a dinner mint: you only get them when you go out to eat, you only get them at the end of the meal, and your server is only going to give you one. It’s the perfect way to wrap up a messy meal.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bird Shit

Shit is everywhere. It gets around. Everyday you have to worry about stepping in dog shit and getting shit on your finger when you wipe. You’re so preoccupied with shit on the ground or the toilet seat that you completely forget about getting shit on from above. That’s why bird shit is so deadly; an aerial bombardment of avian fecal matter can happen unexpectedly and ruin your day. It will get in your hair, splash on your face, land in your drink… getting shat on is a terrible feeling. But it’s a tremendous feeling when is happens to someone else. You’ll try to sympathize but you’re laughing too hard for them to believe you. Bird shit is commonly found on statues, parked cars, and recently cleaned windows. If you haven’t been bird shat on yet, you’re due and it’s gonna be a big one. Keep a wet nap handy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants