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Fart Ban

Mandy and I were together for about four and a half years before she passed away. In all that time, she never once farted in front of me. Well, at least never intentionally. She might have let some slip out while she was sleeping but those don’t count. She didn’t want to fart in front of me. I returned the favor and didn’t fart in front of her either. It was an unspoken rule at first, a casual fart ban if you will, but it eventually came up in a few conversations with other couples about how to keep up the magic and passion in relationships. We both thought that you shouldn’t fart in front of someone you want to have sex with. It’s not attractive.

I farted in front of Mandy one time and one time only. To be honest, I farted on her. But it was her fault. We were lying in bed on a lazy Sunday, I told her to pull my finger, she did, and I let one rip. She got a little mad, but she should have known better. Don’t pull fingers if you don’t want to be farted on.

That was a one time incident, and we stuck to not farting in front of each other. However she would always tell me when she had to use the bathroom, so it kind of defeated the anti-farting pact. Holding your farts in isn’t the key to a successful relationship, but it definitely doesn’t hurt. And if you can fart unashamedly in front of your significant other, good for you. Let those farts fly. I’m not judging.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dog Farts

Dog farts are the most acceptable type of fart. If a person farts around you, it’s easy to get offended or disgusted. But if a dog farts around you, you simply groan and push him away. You might not even push him away. A dog fart is distinctive too. You can tell right away that it’s a dog fart and not a people fart. Dog farts still stink, but they don’t smell as bad as a people fart. Maybe it’s because dogs don’t eat broccoli smothered with melted cheese. I’m not saying that I enjoy dog farts, but if something’s got to fart around me I would prefer it to be a dog.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pull My Finger

“Pull my finger” is one of the oldest jokes in human history. The setup is simple, you approach and unsuspecting person with your index finger extended, and you invited them to pull your finger. They oblige by grabbing your finger and pulling it, and that’s when you let one rip. You fart, and you fart loud and proud; the wetter, the better. If you fart loud enough, the victim will get embarrassed and you will get a high five from whoever witnessed it. Farts are funny, but you have to pick your moments. Never ask your grandparents to pull your finger, never attempt it at a dinner party, and avoid it at all costs during weddings and baptisms. Funerals are acceptable. Anything that distracts you from death is ok. The next time there’s a dull moment, or you experience a lull in the conversation, ask somebody to pull your finger and let that flatulence fly.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Whoopee Cushion

A whoopee cushion is one of the first novelty gifts that you get as a kid. It makes fart noises and fart noises are funny. The traditional way to use one is to blow it up, then you get somebody to sit on it without realizing it’s there, it sounds like he farted, and then everyone laughs at him. Then he demands the whoopee cushion so that he can get somebody else, and the cycle continues.  They are really immature, but so am I, and I brought one to work the other day. Most of the dudes that I work with appreciated it, but I was surprised that it was the girls who wanted to play with it the most. Maybe it’s because they can’t fart in public. Guys fart all the time and we’re proud of our gas. Girls are embarrassed and try to hide their flatulence. But everyone thinks farts are funny, even if they don’t admit it. A whoopee cushion is great because you get the obnoxious sound without the noxious fumes.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Shart

Everyone experiences gas; it’s nothing to be embarrassed of. But sometimes you want to suppress your flatulence and that’s when bad things happen. You’ll try to be discrete and let one silently slip out but a little something else escapes. You have just experienced a shart. It’s a fart with a little extra cheese. The first thing to do after you shart is to assess the damage. Carefully shuffle to the bathroom and check for stains and/or nuggets. Stains are manageable, but nuggets (haha, butt nuggets) mean you pooped yourself and need a new pair of pants. You’d rather shart than shit yourself, neither is particularly fun though.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Replacing the Toilet Paper

I went to take my daily shit and noticed that somebody used up all the toilet paper except for one sheet. A single sheet of TP is useless. It’s not even enough to wipe a fart away. If you use it all up, replace it. Because I’ll use your towel next time. Replacing the toilet paper takes 10 seconds. The hardest part is making sure it hangs the right way. The sad thing is that some people still fail at such a simple task. The sadder thing is that they don’t know that they failed.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dutch Oven

You’re lying comfortably in bed without a care in the world, completely warm and wrapped tightly in your sheets. You’re totally relaxed and at ease. And then you let one rip and you snap out of your reverie. You just Dutch ovened yourself, the ultimate betrayal. A Dutch oven is a cooking pot. It’s also when you fart under the covers and are forced to smell it. It combines the joy of being farted on with the pleasure of inhaling flatulence. It’s not a great way to start your day. It’s even worse when someone else gets you. The worst is when a stranger gets you.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crop Dusting

Crop dusting is the art of discreetly farting at a specific target as you casually pass by. You can crop dust an empty area (but that’s not fun). Most of the time you’re aiming at a specific person or a group of assholes. It’s pretty easy. Just build up some gas, nonchalantly walk by, and as you approach the target you let ‘er rip. Just make sure it’s silent and you don’t shit yourself. Don’t get caught. If they know that you just farted on them, you failed, and they will rightfully get pissed at you.

If you’re new to crop dusting, you should probably start off by crop dusting babies and dogs. Babies can’t narc on you and they’re crying all the time anyway. Dogs can’t talk and have a heightened sense of smell, so it’s the perfect crime. Practice makes perfect, but don’t get carried away.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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