Tag Archives: toilet paper

January 30, 2019 · 9:24 pm

The Wrong Toilet Paper

I fucked up. I bought the wrong toilet paper. It could have been worse. At least I didn’t get one-ply. It’s two-ply but it’s not the proper grade. It’s the cheap kind that disintegrates with each wipe, creating dingleberries in its wake. I should have known that QQ Bear was an off brand, but I got duped by the cartoon bear on the packaging. It definitely isn’t Charmin quality. My butthole knows the difference. I will suffer through it until it’s gone and hopefully I won’t accidentally buy it again. You live, you learn.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 18, 2015 · 9:14 pm

Buying Toilet Paper

I don’t like buying toilet paper. It’s kind of embarrassing. It’s a little degrading. I don’t know why. It shouldn’t be. Everyone buys it because everyone poops. You still don’t want people to see you buying it. Especially when you buy it in bulk. It’s declaring to the world that you’re planning on taking shits, lots and lots of shits. I’m a single guy too so I have to be careful. I could bump into the woman of my dreams at the checkout counter while I’m buying T.P. and I wouldn’t be able to make a move. She would obviously look at the things that I’m buying to get a sense of my personality. Naturally the toilet paper would stand out. She would know that I’m planning on taking shits, lots and lots of shits. I don’t have enough game to withstand that much scrutiny. But I have to buy toilet paper. It’s my duty. Please tell me you caught that pun. Duty. Doodie. Never mind. Sorry. I’ll go now.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 27, 2014 · 4:42 pm

Lifting Up the Toilet Seat with the Your Shoe

You’re out on the town when you get the urge to pee. You find a public bathroom to use but all the urinals are taken so you find an open stall. The seat is down and you want to put it up because you don’t want to pee on the seat, but you don’t want to touch the seat. You could use a piece of toilet paper to lift it, but you don’t want to waste paper. That’s when you resort to lifting up the toilet seat with your shoe. It’s a balancing act. It takes some skill. You want to make the minimal amount of contact with the seat as possible, and you want to get the job done as fast as possible because, shit, you really have to pee. Lifting up the toilet seat with your shoe brings you one step closer to sweet relief. Once you’ve finished going you can prove your dexterity by flushing the toilet with your shoe too.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 8, 2014 · 10:06 am

Toilet Paper Ply

Shit happens. And you need toilet paper when it does. But not just any toilet paper will suffice. You need to know which toilet paper ply to use. There are three types. There is one-ply (sometimes called single-ply), there is two-ply, and there is three-ply toilet paper. One-ply is a single layer of toilet paper. It’s rough and course, and it may cause anal bleeding. Two-ply is two layers of toilet paper. It’s softer, smoother, and more absorbent, and it is the most common type of T.P. Three-ply is three layers of toilet paper. It is really soft, the most absorbent and it feels like you’re wiping your ass with a cloud, but it’s the most wasteful by far. Everybody has a preference for toilet paper. I happen to be a two-ply guy myself. I have a frugal friend who prefers one-ply. He has the habit of converting double-ply into single-ply to make it last twice as long. I think he’s crazy, he thinks he’s thrifty.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 5, 2014 · 11:23 am

Using Toilet Paper as Kleenex

I’ve been sick the past few days and I’ve been lazy my whole life and so I’ve been using toilet paper as Kleenex to wipe my nose. We don’t have any Kleenex in my house, but we do have an ample supply of toilet paper. So I use that. It’s a waste of time and money to buy a different type of disposable tissue that you’re only going to use once to clean up bodily functions and then throw away.  Besides, it’s easier to blow your nose with toilet paper than to wipe your ass with Kleenex. T.P. is more essential and this economy makes you prioritize. Judge me all you want. It’s still better to use toilet paper as Kleenex than using your arm. Yeah, I saw you do that. You’re gross.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 30, 2013 · 10:13 am

Bidet

I used to live in Los Angeles and rented out a house that had a bidet. That was my first experience with a bidet outside of that memorable scene in Crocodile Dundee. In fact, it was only because of that movie that I even knew what a bidet was and what it was used for (“for washing your backside”). So I had a bidet in my bathroom. I had to try it and I did. I tried it a few times. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t for me. I prefer toilet paper. I would rather wipe my ass than hose it down. Bidets are classy, but they are also intimidating, especially if you have no clue how to use them. Most Americans don’t know which way to face, or if they should take their pants off to avoid splashes, or if they can pee in it. And you’re wet afterward so you still need to wipe and that kind of defeats the purpose. Whatever. To each his own.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2013 · 10:15 am

Replacing the Toilet Paper

I went to take my daily shit and noticed that somebody used up all the toilet paper except for one sheet. A single sheet of TP is useless. It’s not even enough to wipe a fart away. If you use it all up, replace it. Because I’ll use your towel next time. Replacing the toilet paper takes 10 seconds. The hardest part is making sure it hangs the right way. The sad thing is that some people still fail at such a simple task. The sadder thing is that they don’t know that they failed.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 18, 2012 · 8:50 am

Paper Towels

Americans like to buy things just to throw them away. We love paper plate and plastic cutlery because throwing that shit away is easier than cleaning up. Take paper towels for example. They are handy for wiping up spills and cleaning around the house. They are like napkins and cleaning rags combined into one inferior product and they come on an elongated toilet paper roll. It’s the ultimate middle finger to the environment. None only am I going to chop down this tree, I’m going to make sure that the end product can only be used once before it’s tossed away. And we wonder how global warming became a problem. But I’m fucking lazy and a hypocrite and I have a few rolls of Bounty in the cabinet, so who am I to judge?

Critically Rated at 8/17

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June 17, 2012 · 8:23 am

Out of Toilet Paper

Shit happens. You have to eat food every now and then to keep on living, and one byproduct of eating is having to poop. It happens to the best of us: Jesus, Suzanne Somers, and my cousin Brett have all been known to take a shit. We all do it. And there are few things as bad as realizing that you’re out of toilet paper mid-shit. And it’s always mid-shit too. There is some law of the universe that keeps you from noticing that the roll is empty before you start squatting. You only have a few options for dealing with this situation and none of them will get you laid.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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