Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

May 14, 2013 · 10:17 am

What’s Missing?

This might look similar to most of my random posts, but it’s not. Writing this post is a hard task. I’m actually kind of struggling from word to word. I’m using particular words and trying out my vocabulary in a way that I don’t normally do. Typing it and making it flow is proving difficult. It’s tough to jot down. So do you know what’s missing from this post by now? I do, but I did this blog so I should know. It’s kind of obvious if you know what to look for. Want a hint? A particular symbol is missing. It’s a common symbol, a symbol you look at daily. On billboards, in books, it’s all around you. In fact, this symbol is probably by you right now. It’s on your monitor; it’s just not in this post. That’s how good I am at what I do. I’m not cocky, I’m just hinting at what it is. You might want to throw up your hands in frustration if you still don’t know. I won’t say what it is until you start crying. I’m a dick but I’m proud of it. C’mon, you can do it. Think of your ABC’s and look at this blog again. Now I’m just lazy with hints. Catch what’s missing now? You will. Possibly.

Critical Final Tally is a 17/17

Blog by B. H. Young

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Tagged as ABCs, billboards, common symbol, gadsby, random posts, vocabulary, what's missing, writing

May 13, 2013 · 8:00 am

Upgrading Your Phone

We are a society of consumers and that compels us to upgrade our phones constantly. You are behind the times if you don’t have the most current model and that’s somehow shameful. It’s weird. Upgrading your phone is like making your way through high school. You’re a Senior if you have the latest model, and that means you own the campus. You drop in the social standings for every year you’ve had your phone, You’re a Junior if your phone is a year old. You’re still an upperclassman, but you’re not top dog. You’re a Freshman if your phone is three or four years old. And if your phone is five years old you are in middle school and not worth talking about. I am still rocking my iPhone 4. Siri won’t talk to me, but I can look down on anyone who still has a phone with buttons. Conversely, anyone with an iPhone 5 or 4s can legally shun me. Even those fuckers with the Windows Phone can make fun of me because their phone is cooler than mine. Whatever, I’m chill with being in the middle of the totem pole.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cell phone, gadgets, iphone, iphone 4, iphone 5, phone, siri, technology, upgrading your phone, upperclassman

May 11, 2013 · 10:38 am

Make Friends with the People Around You

It’s important to make friends with the people around you whenever you go to a concert or a sporting event or another similar event with a large crowd. You don’t have to ask their names, or what high school they went to, or add them on Facebook… you just have to make some small talk and exchange pleasantries. This way they are more forgiving each time they have to stand up to make room for you when you go get food or go to the bathroom. And they are more willing to look the other way as you pour your smuggled liquor into a Coke cup and pass it around your group. And plus events are more fun with friendly people around you. I was at a Giants game the other night and I overheard a little old lady telling her family that it was her first game of her life. I turned around and told her that she’s going to see something amazing. Sure enough, Buster Posey hit a home run and she turned into a schoolgirl and giddily told me that her last name was Posey too. Seeing the joy on her face turned a typical home run into a memorable one. We lost the game but that little old lady made my night. That’s why I make nice with the people around me. It makes being stuck in a crowd more bearable. Swapping stories and practicing common courtesy with your temporary neighbors goes a long way. For some reason, social events are more fun with a little social interaction.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as baseball game, buster posey, concert, crowd, exchange pleasantries, friend, friendly, giants game, large crowd, little old lady, make friends, make friends with the people around you, make nice, neighbors, social event, social interaction

May 11, 2013 · 10:36 am

Running with a Skateboard

I saw a guy running down the sidewalk with a skateboard tucked under his arm. He was panting heavily so I know that he was running for a while. Something about the whole situation really bothered me. It’s probably because the schmuck wasn’t riding his skateboard. He was on a slight downhill, a perfect slope for a skater. But he was running, not riding, and I want to know why. He was obviously in a rush, but he chose to pick up his board and run with it as opposed to the logical choice of riding it. If you’re in a hurry and you have a skateboard, you should fucking ride it. That’s what you’re supposed to do. It makes sense. It’s faster and less tiring. Running with a skateboard doesn’t make sense. It confuses me. It angers me. I’m going to lose sleep over this tonight. Don’t run with skateboards, fucking ride them. Leave the board at home if you want to jog.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as board, ride, run, running with a skateboard, skate, skateboard

May 10, 2013 · 10:55 am

Drool

Drooling is an unfortunate bodily function. It usually happens at the most embarrassing and inopportune times. Nothing makes a better first impression than a strand of saliva dangling from the corner of your mouth. It makes the ladies swoon, that’s for sure. Everybody drools. You’ll droll in the middle of a conversation. You’ll drool in anticipation of a delicious dinner. You’ll drool in your sleep occasionally and wake up with a soggy pillow. Sometimes drooling is viewed as cute or adorable, but dogs are the only ones who can get away with that. No human is capable of making drool look attractive. Nobody. If burps are like an oral fart, then drool is like an oral shart. It’s just so liquid and obvious.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as bodily function, drool, drooling, oral shart, saliva

May 9, 2013 · 10:36 am

Charles Ramsey

Charles “Chuck” Ramsey is a both a hero and an internet sensation. And he’s also got a passion for McDonald’s. In case you’ve been living under a rock, Charles Ramsey heard a woman screaming for help, so he helped her, and in doing so he saved three kidnapped women from ten years of captivity. Then he gave out a couple of interviews and inadvertently became a legend. That man is real. He doesn’t hide anything, he doesn’t hold anything back, and he tells it like it is. Go to YouTube and search for “Charles Ramsey interview“ and for “Charles Ramsey 911 call.” The Anderson Cooper interview is also another good one to watch. He’s colorful for sure, he spouts more memorable quips than a Judd Apatow movie. But it doesn’t matter how you talk, it matters how you act. It’s what you do that makes you who you are. And Charles Ramsey stepped up when most people would turn the other cheek. He’s a real man, bro. When asked about the reward he said that he had a job, and they should give the money to the victims. And then he showed his paycheck to prove that he didn’t need any handouts. He might not want the reward money, but I hope McDonald’s gives him free Big Macs for life.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as charles ramsey, chuck ramsey, hero, internet sensation, mcdonalds

May 8, 2013 · 9:53 am

Watching the Game at Work

The game is on but you’re stuck at work. You can turn on the TV or radio and have it tuned in, but you can’t just stay in one spot and watch it because there’s shit to be done. That’s when watching the game at work becomes a group effort. You have to identify your gamer co-workers and work out an amateur system of notification. At any given point, one or two people should be following the game. Then if someone gets a run or makes a great play, they disperse and spread the word to everyone else, “Posey just hit a solo shot, it’s 5-4 now.” You might be missing most of the action, but you’re not missing out. Sports have a way of bringing people together. I have nothing in common with my manager except for a mutual passion for baseball. We can talk about the Giants for hours but all other small talk is nonexistent. Baseball season has a way of unifying people. I work in a restaurant, and it’s pretty awesome when the managers, servers, cooks, and bussers all have something to cheer about and celebrate together. Watching the game at work is essential for staff bonding. I’d still rather be at the game though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as baseball, baseball season, coworkers, game, group effort, mutual passion, posey, sports, watching the game, watching the game at work, work

May 8, 2013 · 9:51 am

Awkward Silence

You’re with a group of friends, laughing and joking and having a good time. The conversation is lively and spontaneous and then suddenly nonexistent. An awkward silence manages to force its way into the conversation and an apprehensive tension inexplicably destroys everybody’s ability to communicate. The awkward silence is usually only a few seconds long but it seems to last for a few agonizing minutes. Everyone is secretly wondering if they are the cause, they wonder if the conversation would still be going if only they shared one more anecdote or spouted one more quip. An awkward silence just means that everyone is doing the right thing. You don’t want to dominate the conversation; you just want it to flow. Sometimes it flows into a dead end and you have to start over. The best way to end the awkward silence is to acknowledge is and discuss it directly. When you notice the awkward silence, simply say, “Woah, awkward silence, huh?” The silence gets dissolved the second somebody resumes talking and your conversation about nothing in particular can proceed.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as awkward, awkward silence, conversation, silence

May 7, 2013 · 10:38 am

Coffee Table

A coffee table is a type of table typically found in the living room in front of the couch. It’s the ideal place to put your coffee while you’re sitting down. It was designed with coffee in mind, but it works surprisingly well with other beverages too. In England they are known as tea tables (I don’t actually have the facts to back that up, I’m just assuming that’s the case). Most people leave books and magazines out on the coffee table for people to thumb through when there’s a lull in the conversation. There’s even a whole subcategory of books known as coffee table books. They are usually hardcover books with lots of pretty pictures and minimal text. Coffee tables are where you keep beverage coasters and in a perfect world it’s also where the TV remote lives. I can’t imagine a world without coffee tables… sitting on your ass at home would be slightly more inconvenient.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as coffee, coffee table, coffee table book, table

May 7, 2013 · 10:36 am

“It Looks Like Rain.”

You go outside and notice that your shadow is missing. You look up and see the sun is hidden behind some clouds and the whole sky looks dark and gloomy. A storm is clearly on the way. And no matter how obvious the shitty weather is, inevitably you will hear some jackass say, “It looks like rain.” Of course it looks like rain, it’s about to fucking rain. I don’t need some wannabe weatherman stating the obvious. He’s one of those jerks who watches you play solitaire over your shoulder and tells you to move the three. He somehow thinks he’s helping you and that you should be grateful for his insightful observations. The only person who can get away with saying “It looks like rain” is an umbrella salesman making his pitch. Everyone else needs to shut the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as "it looks like rain", climate, clouds, dark skies, looks like rain, nature, rain, weather

May 6, 2013 · 10:27 am

Double Knot

Safety comes first, so I always double knot my laces. A double knot is when you tie your shoelace loops together to keep them from getting untied. I ride a longboard around town, and double knotting my shoes is like wearing a helmet or elbow pads. It keeps me safe even though I might look like a fool. A double knot is like insurance, it’s something that you invest in, it’s preventing an accident. The last thing you want is a loose shoelace when you’re bombing down a hill at thirty miles per hour. A double knot is the grownup’s equivalent of wearing Velcro straps. It’s just another way of ensuring that your shoe will stay on your foot no matter what. A double knot can save your life. Don’t knock it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as double knot, knot, laces, shoelace, shoelaces, shoes, tie

May 5, 2013 · 11:36 am

Unload Some Ones

I’m a server and a bartender so I rely on tips to make a living. I leave each shift with a pocket full of cash. I prefer to keep larger bills like hundreds, fifties, and twenties, but some days I’m stuck with a bunch of fives and ones. I live in San Francisco… small denomination bills are about as practical as a pocketful of change. You can’t buy anything with a dollar. Even the bums will call you a cheapskate for dropping a buck in their pity cup. Whenever I’m stuck with a wad of ones, I head to my local liquor store and tell him that I’m going to unload some ones on him. The cashier is usually grateful because they’re always low on one-dollar bills. Every once in a while they don’t need them, so it’s a good idea to ask the cashier if he wants them. It also takes a while to count it out, so pick your moments. Don’t do it when there’s a line of customers. You don’t want to be a dick. Most of the time the cashier will accept them with a smile and you’ll leave with a lighter pocket. Everybody wins.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cash, one-dollar bill, ones, singles, unload some ones

May 4, 2013 · 9:56 am

The Seagulls at AT&T Park

AT&T is the home of the San Francisco Giants and about a thousand fucking seagulls. The seagulls seem to have some sort of ESP because they always know when the game is almost over. It doesn’t matter if it’s a day game or a night game, or the first or last game of a home stand, they’ll always show up around the 7^th or 8^th inning. You’ll see one, than a few, than it’s suddenly like a Hitchcock movie and the sky is filled with the motherfuckers. They start flying around looking for food and shitting on people. It’s pretty nerve-wracking (not to mention distracting) and it makes you want to bring an umbrella for protection from aerial bombardments. The seagulls can even sense extra innings somehow. It’s kind of amazing how aware they can be. I love everything about AT&T Park, it’s one of the best stadiums in the world but the seagulls are definitely a nuisance. You can’t enjoy the game if you’re worried about being shat on. Maybe they can have a BB gun giveaway and solve the problem once and for all.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as at&t park, baseball, san francisco giants, seagull, seagulls, seagulls at AT&T park

May 3, 2013 · 8:54 am

Muni

Muni is the nickname for the San Francisco Municipal Railway, the public transportation system for San Francisco. It sucks. It can’t run on time. They say your train is three minutes away, two minutes away, a minute away, arriving… but then there’s no train and then it says its coming in three minutes, two minutes, a minute, arriving, and then that one disappears too. That’s not bad service. That’s fucking lying. You said the train was coming and it didn’t. It’s like that friend who said he would give you a ride to work and then he doesn’t show up when he said he would, so you call him and he says that he’s five minutes away. Five minutes come and go and so you call him so see how far away he is, and he tells you he’ll be there in five minutes. And those five minutes comes and goes, and then another five minutes, and you call him again and he says that he’s four minutes away. And you don’t believe him, but you have to wait for him because he’s your ride. Muni is that asshole friend that has no concept of time.

Wikipedia says that Muni is the 7^th largest fleet in the US and is dead last in commute time. That’s not something to be proud of. When your average speed is only 8.1 mph and the city you serve is only 7 miles by 7 miles, you’ve pretty much failed. Muni sucks because it is unreliable and it treats their customers like they are scum. One time I missed the last bus to my house but they refused to give me back my two dollars. They can’t just refund your money; you have to fill out paper work. That’s the exact opposite of customer service. If you pay for a service and they don’t deliver, you shouldn’t have to pay. Muni is like a vampire, it will suck you dry. First they take your soul, then they take your money. The best way to fix Muni? Make the people that run it have to rely on it. Then marvel as the shit finally runs on time.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as commute time, muni, public transportation, public transportation system, san francisco, san francisco municipal railway, transportation

May 1, 2013 · 11:13 am

Cleaning Up After a Party

My favorite type of party is a house party. It’s more casual, it’s more comfortable, and it’s usually more fun than going to the bar (not to mention way cheaper). A few people cook or bring food, most people bring booze, and everyone gets hammered. You laugh and eat and drink and have a good time. But time has a way of slogging on and soon the party will be over, everyone will go home and you will be left with a mess. The best way to handle cleaning up after a party is to acknowledge that your house is trashed and you are too. Then you drink another beer and deal with it in the morning. You have to break down the job into smaller tasks. Gather up all the bottles and cans first, then go around with a garbage bag and get all the random trash and used condoms off the ground (it’s not a party without a used condom), do the dishes, move the furniture back into place, then you can wipe down the counters and spray everything with Lysol. Throwing a party is fun, cleaning up after is a bitch. But at least you get to keep all the extra beers that everyone left behind.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as bottles, cans, cleaning up after a party, garbage, mess, trash, trashed