Tag Archives: break

Broken Umbrella 

The past few days in San Francisco have been rainy and windy, which means there are a lot of broken umbrellas abandoned in garbage cans across the city. I counted five in a two block radius when I walked my dog earlier. That’s a lot of wet angry people that wish they bought a poncho instead. 

I hate when my umbrella breaks. I’m usually huddled under it when a gust of wind flips it inside out, breaking one of the spoke hinge things. I don’t know what you call those things, but they are crucial for proper umbrella functioning. You’re fucked once one of them breaks. You can either cling to your broken umbrella or throw it away and get soaked. You’re going to look stupid and be miserable no matter what. 

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants

Taking Up Smoking

I’ve decided to take up smoking. I’m not trying to look cool, I’m not trying to influence any kids to do the same, and I’m not trying to impress anyone. Nope, I’m taking up smoking in order to get more breaks at work. I live in San Francisco and there are a lot of strict labor laws. I only get a thirty-minute break every 6 hours. My managers will raise a stink if they catch me sitting down in the break room while I’m on the clock. But I’ve noticed that smokers get an unofficial 5-10 minute break every hour without getting in any trouble. I want to get in on that action. I want to get paid for ignoring my customers, filling my lungs with smoke, and polluting the planet all at once. I think I would be good at that. So I bought a pack of cloves (because cigarettes aren’t hipster enough) and now I’m able to take breaks whenever I want to. And life has never been better. I wonder what other substances I can consume at work to make the time go faster…. Drugs are bad.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Break Room

Most businesses have a break room for their employees. It’s a place to relax before and after your shift, during lunch breaks, and somewhere to hide when you feel like being lazy. Most break rooms have a few tables and chairs; some of the better ones have couches, refrigerators, or TVs. When I worked at Circuit City they had a big screen TV with a PS2 connected to it. There was never anybody on the floor because all the employees were busy playing a never-ending Tekken tournament in the break room. I got paid $9 an hour to get really good at Tekken, I think that technically qualifies me a pro gamer. Break rooms are like high school. It’s where you do most of your socializing with your coworkers, the people that you see almost every day. There’s a hierarchy and there are cliques in the break room. You can’t just sit wherever you want, there are rules here. Unwritten ones.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Breaking a Piece

A pipe is a piece of art. You can look at it and admire its color and shape, its use of space, the way it catches the light. It’s beautiful. It’s also fragile and you smoke out of it. And if you smoke too much you might be clumsy and drop that shit. And it will break and you will be sad. Breaking a piece is inevitable; if you use it you will break it, because your stoney self isn’t as agile as you think.

Some pieces will last a long time. I had a pipe that I got for my 21st birthday that I broke a few days after my 27th birthday. 6 years for a pipe is pretty impressive. My pipe was there when Obama was elected… it lasted longer than Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s marriage. I would have been devastated when I broke it, but I was high. The only good thing about breaking a piece is that you get to buy another.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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