Monthly Archives: October 2012

October 23, 2012 · 9:23 am

Watching the Game at the Bar

All across America and around the world people pack themselves into bars and pubs to watch their teams compete. Watching the game at the bar is more social, but it’s also more expensive than watching at home. It’s cool that you get to cheer and celebrate with other fans and you can discuss strategy and how bad the officials are. But you have to buy beer and food and you have to tip and that adds up. You have to deal with shit talkers and fair-weather fans who don’t know when to cheer. And there’s always a line for the bathroom. Watching the game at the bar is a ritual for some people and they like it. Some people don’t have any other place to watch it other than the bar so they have to suck it up and deal with it. No matter which camp you’re in, at least everyone in the bar can agree that watching sports and alcohol go hand in hand.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2012 · 9:40 am

Brew Free! Or Die IPA

Beer is good and microbrewed beer is even better. If you want to try a delicious craft brew, I recommend Brew Free! Or Die IPA from San Francisco’s 21st Amendment Brewery. They were one of the first breweries to put an IPA in a can instead of a bottle. It helps to preserve the flavor and it’s also better to take to the beach. It is malty and hoppy and delicious. Plus it has a 7% alcohol content so you’ll be feeling good after a few rounds. This is a good beer with a great name. Except I always want to call it Brew Free! Or Die Hard IPA. I blame Bruce Willis.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2012 · 9:37 am

Not Setting Your Alarm But Still Waking Up On Time

It’s late and you’re tired. It’s a miracle you even made it home. You somehow find your bed and fall in, closing your eyes and immediately are asleep. You wake up a few hours later. It’s a few minutes before you have to wake up, and it’s a good thing you came to when you did, because you forgot to set your alarm, you forgot to plug in your phone, and you would have been fucked. But you’re not. Not setting your alarm but still waking up on time means that your muscle memory is more dependable than your mental memory. Your brain will screw you over, but your body won’t let that happen.

Critically Rated at15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 21, 2012 · 10:38 am

Inheritance (novel)

Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Cycle reaches its conclusion with the fourth and final book in his fantasy series. Eragon finally faces the evil King Galbatorix in a showdown to determine the fate of Alagaësia. Will good triumph over evil? Can our courageous hero find a way to defeat the insanely powerful villain? Not trying to spoil the ending, but yes, Eragon saves the day. Aren’t you relieved?

Eragon is a Dragon Rider, a magician/warrior who is bonded to a dragon that he rides. And for the first three books he learned that he was a Dragon Rider, he learned how to be a Dragon Rider, he learned about the old Dragon Riders, and he decides to use his Dragon Rider skills to defeat an evil king who happens to be a powerful and corrupt former Dragon Rider.

Eragon and Saphira (the dragon that he rides) spent most of the first three books either training/studying or fighting in battles and skirmishes. One thing becomes clear to them: they are way too weak to fight Galbatorix and win. He is too powerful and Eragon knows it. But he’s still determined to find out how to defeat him.

Eragon and Saphira find a secret stash of dragon eggs and Eldunarí (basically dragon souls), which gives them a glimmer of hope. The Eldunarí give more Eragon strength but it’s still not enough. He must use his wits to defeat Galbatorix in battle. And the climactic scene is a bit of a let down. Then there are a few more chapters tying up all the loose ends of the various subplots. It’s a decent ending, but it’s not as satisfying as some other series. Paolini should have written an epilogue set seventeen years later. That’s the best way to end a successful series.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 21, 2012 · 10:32 am

Mimosas

It’s breakfast time and you want to drink without seeming like a drunk. Get a Mimosa. It’s classier than ordering a Bloody Mary. A Mimosa is typically champagne and orange juice. O.J. is a breakfast time staple and champagne has bubbles and bubbles are fun. It’s the perfect drink for breakfast or brunch.

            Mimosas are also a great choice for when you need to bring something to a daytime get-together like a pool party. Choosing the champagne is the easy part. Picking out the right orange juice is the hard part. Do you want pulp, no pulp, or some pulp? Do you want the calcium enriched one? Do you want to splurge for the organic? Fuck it, just grab some Sunny D. That should work.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 20, 2012 · 1:07 am

Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands is Tim Burton’s best movie and the first one starring Johnny Depp. Now it’s practically a requirement for a Tim Burton movie to have Johnny Depp in it. Tim Burton movies have a dreamlike quality about them. He likes to deal with the fantastic and shuns reality. The main character has fucking scissors for hands. That’s pretty fantastic.

Peg Boggs (Diane Wiest) is the friendly local Avon lady who decides that the gloomy, creepy mansion is a great place to make a sales pitch. Instead of making a sale, she finds a Goth kid with scissors for hands. She talks to him for a few minutes and decides to unofficially adopt him and takes him home to her family. Because that’s what you do when you find someone who has been living in isolation for years and has weapons for hands. You take them home to live with your young son and sexy teenaged daughter.

Edward learns about life from the Boggs family and starts to fall in love with Kim (Winona Ryder). But she has a douchebag boyfriend that makes life difficult. Edward uses his scissor hands to trim bushes and cut hair, and he becomes the talk of the neighborhood. Then shit happens and the neighbors start to distrust and fear the artificial man with fucking scissors for hands. And they drive him out of town and he goes back to live in isolation in the gloomy and creepy mansion.

Edward is a great character, but it’s his effect on the neighbors that drives the story. They embrace him at first and eventually shun him because of gossip and hearsay. The housewives are leeches and they want Edward’s blood. The suburban setting is like a dream that turns into a nightmare. During the day everything is perfect. All the houses are painted in pastel colors, the husbands all leave for work and come home at the same time, all the housewives spend their days gossiping, it’s all so ideal. Then Edward comes and shakes things up a bit, and by the end of the movie the neighborhood is dark and hostile.

This is a timeless movie. It’s a modern day fairy tale. And if you’re slacking if you haven’t seen it yet. Stop slacking.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 20, 2012 · 1:04 am

A Penny on the Ground

You’re strolling down the sidewalk when you see a glint of light reflecting off a shiny copper coin. It’s a penny. One whole cent. But it’s calling you and you have a decision to make: you can either walk by and ignore it, or you can pick it up. It’s a tough choice. People will see you stop to pick up a penny and they will wonder how cheap you are. But grandpa always said a penny saved is a penny earned and that coin could change your life. I usually let fate decide. I’ll pick it up if it’s heads and leave it if it’s tails.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 19, 2012 · 10:23 am

V8 Juice

Not in the mood to eat veggies? Well, now you can drink your veggies. The future is now. V8 is 100% vegetable juice has two full servings of vegetables. It has tomato juice, carrot juice, celery juice, beet juice, parsley juice, lettuce juice, water crest juice, and spinach juice. If you’re paying attention, you’ll notice that’s eight vegetables. V8. Get it now? It tastes like cold Campbell’s tomato soup. If that doesn’t sound appetizing, it’s because it’s not. But it’s healthy for you. So drink to your health and swallow that shit.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 19, 2012 · 10:20 am

Peeing in a Bottle

Ladies, please don’t judge this post. You will never know the simple joy of peeing in a bottle. You can try it, but it might spray so be careful. Peeing in a bottle is not something that you should make a habit of. You do it in emergencies, like when you’re stuck in traffic or someone refuses to get out of the bathroom. I prefer to pee outside, either on a tree or in the snow, but I have no qualms about peeing in a bottle. You just gotta make sure that you don’t lose your grip or overflow the bottle. Drunk pisses can last a long time, and hopefully you’re drunk if you’re peeing into a bottle.

I’m not advocating pissing into bottles. But sometimes toilets get boring and you need to shake things up a bit.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 18, 2012 · 9:44 am

Fall Foliage

One of the best parts about autumn is seeing the leaves change color. Not only is fall foliage an amazing sight, it’s also fun to say. Not everyone can say it right. It’s always fun to be able to point a finger and laugh at someone’s stupidity. Some people are really into fall foliage; it’s almost like a fetish. They will go on vacation and drive hundreds of miles out of the city to look at leaves. They take lots of pictures and they comment to each other about how beautiful the leaves are. They are fucking leaves. Humans are weird animals.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 18, 2012 · 9:40 am

The Only One Drinking

The other day I was at a barbeque. There were football games on the TV, chips and dip, and we had the grill going nicely. The best part was a cooler full of beers. I helped myself to one as I made small talk. One beer turned into two beers, which turned into three, four, and more. A few rounds and a bathroom trip later, I realized that I was the only one with a brew in hand. I could either stop drinking or keep going. I was past the point of tipsy and had to keep going. I owed it to myself to show those fuckers how to party. YOLO and all that stuff. Being the only one drinking is not a bad thing. It’s just not the best thing.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 17, 2012 · 9:27 am

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

The Empire Strikes Back is the best chapter in the Star Wars saga and one of the best sequels of all time. George Lucas hands the directing responsibilities to Irvin Kershner, and the resulting performances from the actors are more dynamic and layered. This sequel takes everything good about the original and expands upon it. It’s faster, darker, and more interesting. Plus it has a better, more intense lightsaber duel.

            The main characters all return, and we meet a few new characters: Yoda and Lando. Billy Dee Williams plays the shifty Lando Calrissian, a former friend of Han’s. Lando is cool, but it’s all about Yoda. Muppet guru Frank Oz provides the voice and brings Yoda to life. The real Yoda is a puppet, not a computer animated abomination with a little lightsaber.

The Empire Strikes Back is a little different from most blockbusters. The big action scene happens in the beginning with the invasion of Hoth. The film ends with an emotional climax. Han Solo is trapped in carbonite and sent to Jabba the Hutt and you find out that Darth Vader is Luke’s dad. I really hope you knew that already.

            Star Wars was a revolutionary film that changed cinema in a lot of ways. The Empire Strike Back is step forward for the franchise. It’s more adult and it has deeper themes. It still has one of the best cliffhanger endings ever. You want to watch Return of the Jedi as soon as the credits start to roll.

The only thing that weirds me out about this movie is when Leia made out with Luke. Galactic incest is still incest.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 17, 2012 · 9:22 am

Simply Lemonade with Raspberry

Simply Lemonade with Raspberry is an all-natural lemonade with raspberry puree. It’s not made from concentrate, it says so right on the label. It’s also 11% juice. I don’t know if that’s good or not. I will go out on a limb and say yes. It’s a healthier alternative to soda, but there’s still a lot of sugar. There’s no caffeine because it’s lemonade and that would be weird. It’s refreshing and it has vitamins. Vitamins are good for you.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 16, 2012 · 9:18 am

Muttering Under Your Breath

Muttering under your breath is a great way to insult someone without getting in trouble. It’s a great option for kids who want to talk back to their parents without getting grounded or for telling your boss off without losing your job. Once you master muttering under your breath, you can get the last word in any argument, thereby winning the argument.

            The most important thing about muttering under your breath is to make sure that you’re loud enough so that the people around you can hear what you said and realize how clever you are, but you can’t be too loud or the guy you’re insulting will punch you in the mouth. It’s a fine line. Experiment with your muttering and what you mutter until you find what works for you. Practice makes perfect.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 16, 2012 · 9:12 am

“I Don’t Smoke… Cigarettes”

You move to a new place and you need to find a new weed connection but you aren’t sure how to go about it. All you need to do is ask if someone smokes and listen to how they respond. If you ask if someone if they smoke, they will assume that you mean tobacco and they will respond with a simple yes or no. But if that person smokes weed, they will reply with a subtle response: “I don’t smoke cigarettes.” That means that they smoke something else, and that something else is probably weed. Hopefully it’s not crack or peyote that they are smoking. Either way, it’s better than tobacco.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 15, 2012 · 10:13 am

The Yankees

The New York Yankees have won the World Series 27 times with forty appearances. That’s more than any other MLB team. The St. Louis Cardinals are a distant second with 11 World Series titles with eighteen appearances. That’s how dominant they are. That’s also why you either love the Yankees or hate the Yankees. You have no choice but to respect them. They are good at baseball and they are good for baseball.

            You expect to get into the playoffs if you’re a Yankees fan. If you are a fan of any other team, it’s a great season if you just make it to the playoffs. And if you advance, that’s even more exciting. Yankees fans consider it a losing season if they don’t win the World Series. The Yankees are the villains of Major League Baseball. So it’s sad if you’re a Yankees fan if they got knocked out, but every other baseball fan is happy. A loss for the Yankees is a win for everybody.

The Yankees are like your older brother who always dominates you at air hockey. After a while you just get frustrated at always getting your ass handed to you. Fuck air hockey and fuck the Yankees.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 15, 2012 · 10:09 am

Grabbing the Wrong Drink

You’re at a party and having a good time. You set your plastic keg cup down for a second and when you go to pick it back up you notice three other identical cups in the vicinity. You can’t remember which one is yours, so you grab the fullest cup and start drinking. A few sips in you realize that it isn’t yours. Fuck it, alcohol kills germs anyway. Grabbing the wrong drink isn’t the biggest mistake you can make.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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