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Star Wars: The Force Awakens (SPOILERS!!)

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the seventh installment of the Star Wars franchise. It’s the first film of the newest trilogy, and the first truly great Star Wars film since The Empire Strikes Back (Return of the Jedi was a glorified toy commercial and a bit of a letdown. It’s still better than the prequel trilogy though). J.J. Abrams takes over the director’s chair and breaths fresh life into the series. There are new characters, new planets, new aliens, but with enough nostalgia to bring a smile to the most cynical of Star Wars fans. If you don’t like this film, you don’t like Star Wars and I feel bad for you. You have no sense of fun or adventure and you bring everyone down around you.

I didn’t have the chance to see The Force Awakens on opening night. I finally got to see it yesterday. It was worth the wait. I almost teared up as the introductory text crawl appeared onscreen. It’s been a long time since we visited Luke Skywalker and friends. To find out he was missing was surprising. Instantly you wonder what lies ahead. The first action sequence was overwhelming and you knew that you got your money’s worth right away.

I don’t want to talk too much about the plot. I don’t think the plot is all that important. Star Wars was always more about the characters. If you don’t care about the characters, you won’t care about what happens to them. John Boyega plays Finn, a stormtrooper that quickly finds his conscious and joins the resistance. You can see his reluctance to kill before you ever see his face. Daisy Ridley play Rey, a fierce and tough scavenger who is thrust into an adventure she never planned for but is completely capable of handling. The most important new character is arguably BB-8, the droid that dominated the Christmas toy market. He is a robot that beeps and boops like R2-D2 and seems like a mechanical puppy a lot of the time. If you don’t buy him, you won’t like the film. He’s like Wall-E. He’s a mechanical object that has more emotions than a fourteen-year-old girl.

The new characters aren’t all good guys either. You have to have some bad guys for them to fight against. The Force Awakens has bad guys in spades. There’s Adam Driver as Kylo Ren, a masked villain who inevitably reminds you of Darth Vader, yet is still relatable. It helps that he takes his mask off and you find out his backstory in this film as opposed to waiting a few years for the sequel to discover who he is. He reminds me of Tom Hiddleston as Loki in the Marvel cinematic universe. Andy Serkis portrays Supreme Leader Snoke, the mysterious master of the dark side who is pulling the strings behind the scenes. We have a lot more to learn about him. Domhnall Gleeson plays General Hux, the Grand Moff Tarkin of the new trilogy. He’s a bad guy, but he’s a bureaucrat as opposed to an evil Jedi.

I haven’t even started talking about the returning characters. Harrison Ford and Peter Mayhew returning as Han Solo and Chewbacca was worth the price of admission alone. They had a much bigger part than I thought they would. I was expecting a glorified cameo. It was anything but. They drove the plot forward. Carrie Fisher returned as Leia Organa. She’s a general as opposed to a princess now. Anthony Daniels returns as C-3PO, although he’s almost unrecognizable with his new red arm. You also see a lot of former background characters reappear. I won’t lie, it was awesome seeing Admiral Ackbar and Nien Nunb again. I didn’t know that I missed them. I did.

The best thing about The Force Awakens is that it feels like a new Star Wars film. You get to catch up with old characters but the focus is on the new characters and nothing feels forced about it (enjoy that pun). There’s a passing of the torch. It’s not about Luke, Leia, and Han anymore. That’s a good thing. You don’t want to live in the past. Well, maybe you do but you shouldn’t.

You need to see this movie and it’s best to see it with other Star Wars nerds. It’s much more enjoyable to share a look and a comment with a friend when you both catch an obscure reference. It’s not a perfect movie, but no movies are. It’s still exciting and it hooks you in and leaves you breathless until the end. There are only a few characters and scenes that seem out of place but it all seems like is building up to something in the sequels. I will testify that we sat in the theater when the film ended and talked about everything we witnessed as the credits rolled. It’s not often that you want to immediately go back and watch what you just saw. That’s a testament to how satisfying The Force Awakens was. I could write a lot more about this movie. I’m going to drink a beer instead.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Jake Lloyd

Jake Lloyd is a former child star most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. He’s blamed (along with Jar Jar Binks) for ruining the movie. Never mind the fact that George Lucas wrote the script, directed the film, and had ultimate control over everything. It’s the kid’s fault for destroying everyone’s favorite film franchise. Jake Lloyd was a decent actor for a little kid, but it’s hard to create a satisfying movie persona when you’re working with CG characters and green screens and a shitty script. The negative response to the flick was enough to cause Lloyd to quit acting and drop out of the public view. He occasionally pops up at conventions to make a quick buck, and he has no qualms about admitting how much he hates being associated with Anakin. The Phantom Menace ruined his life, but then again, that movie ruined a lot of peoples’ lives.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Luke Skywalker and his friends are back in the conclusion to the original trilogy. Lawrence Kasdan and George Lucas wrote the screenplay and Richard Marquand directs. This was the last good Star Wars movie, even though the second half of the film kind of sucks. I blame the Ewoks. It’s pretty obvious they were just included to sell toys and appeal to kids. They are the Jar Jar Binks of the original trilogy, only without being blatantly racist and overly annoying.

            The film opens with the dramatic rescue of Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt, where Luke must use his Jedi skills to beat the bad guys and save his friends. There are quite a few iconic moments and characters in this part. There’s the Rancor, the Sarlacc, Jabba the Hutt, green pig guards, and Princess Leia in a gold bikini. It’s one of the best sequences in sci-fi cinema. Princess Leia in a gold bikini. Just reflect on that for a moment.

            The Rebel Alliance finds out that the Empire is building a new Death Star and that the Emperor himself is going to oversee the final preparations. The Rebels decide that this is their time to strike. They hatch a plan to destroy the shield generator on the forest moon of Endor, which will allow their star fleet to blow up the Death Star. But they don’t know that it’s a trap. It’s just one part of the Emperor’s plan to convert Luke to the Dark Side of the Force.

While Han, Leia, Chewy and the gay robots are busy playing with teddy bears, Lando is leading the aerial assault on the Empire, and Luke is dealing with his Darth Vader daddy issues. Needless to say, all the conflicts get resolved, most of the loose ends are tied up, and the story ends with our heroes celebrating their victory.

            It’s a pretty satisfying ending to the original trilogy. It’s not as good as A New Hope or The Empire Strikes Back, but it’s a million times better than the prequel trilogy. George Lucas keeps on tweaking this movie and now Hayden Christensen is in it at the end. I wish I still had a VCR so I could watch the real movie again.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

The Empire Strikes Back is the best chapter in the Star Wars saga and one of the best sequels of all time. George Lucas hands the directing responsibilities to Irvin Kershner, and the resulting performances from the actors are more dynamic and layered. This sequel takes everything good about the original and expands upon it. It’s faster, darker, and more interesting. Plus it has a better, more intense lightsaber duel.

            The main characters all return, and we meet a few new characters: Yoda and Lando. Billy Dee Williams plays the shifty Lando Calrissian, a former friend of Han’s. Lando is cool, but it’s all about Yoda. Muppet guru Frank Oz provides the voice and brings Yoda to life. The real Yoda is a puppet, not a computer animated abomination with a little lightsaber.

The Empire Strikes Back is a little different from most blockbusters. The big action scene happens in the beginning with the invasion of Hoth. The film ends with an emotional climax. Han Solo is trapped in carbonite and sent to Jabba the Hutt and you find out that Darth Vader is Luke’s dad. I really hope you knew that already.

            Star Wars was a revolutionary film that changed cinema in a lot of ways. The Empire Strike Back is step forward for the franchise. It’s more adult and it has deeper themes. It still has one of the best cliffhanger endings ever. You want to watch Return of the Jedi as soon as the credits start to roll.

The only thing that weirds me out about this movie is when Leia made out with Luke. Galactic incest is still incest.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Indiana Jones returns to the big screen in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. This sequel is actually a prequel, Raiders of the Lost Ark takes place in 1936, and this is set in 1935. Indy is on the hunt for a mystical stone, not nearly as exciting as the Ark of the Covenant, but whatever advances the plot does the job. George Lucas wrote and produced the movie and Spielberg directed it. It’s not as good as Raiders, but it’s a satisfying sequel.

The movie starts with a musical number at Club Obi Wan in Shanghai. That’s quite a turnaround from the opening sequence in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Indiana Jones shows up and is wrapping up an exciting adventure that involves a diamond and an antidote to some poison that Indy drinks. We are introduced to an obnoxious American showgirl named Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) and Indy’s exploited Asian sidekick Short Round (Jonathan Ke Quan). Jonathan Ke Quan is a Vietnamese actor who is playing a Chinese kid because Hollywood is racist and all Asians look alike. Indiana, Willie, and Short Round escape on a plane, but their plane is owned by the criminal they barely escaped from. They end up using a raft as a glorified parachute and find themselves in the main plotline.

After falling thousands and thousands of feet and sliding down a mountain in an inflatable raft, Indy and his pals find themselves in an Indian village. The villagers are in trouble and need Indy’s help. It seems that some assholes from Pankot Palace stole their sacred stone and kidnapped all the kids. The kids seem to be an afterthought, they really want their magic rock back.

Indiana agrees to help them because he’s Indiana Jones and the movie would suck if he didn’t do anything. So he heads to Pankot Palace with Willie and Short Round. They meet the young Maharajah, the king of Pankot Palace and they enjoy a lavish feast, complete with eyeball soup and chilled monkey brains for dessert.

Indy gets attacked by an assassin and decides that something is not quite right in the palace. He goes snooping around and finds a bunch of hidden passageways and tunnels that lead to the Temple of Doom.

Inside the Temple of Doom is a freaky cult of freaky fuckers that believe in child labor, human sacrifice, and ripping beating hearts out of people’s chests. Indy, Willie, and Short Round are all captured by the evil cult. Short Round gets to join all the child slaves, Willie gets to be a human sacrifice, and Indy gets to be converted into a brainwashed cult zombie.

Short Round manages to escape and snaps Indy out of his trance, and he frees Willie, and they celebrate by taking a roller coaster ride in a mine cart. After that fun ride, there’s some drama involving a rickety bridge with hungry crocodiles. Indy, Willie, and Short Round emerge triumphant and return to the village with their magic rock and all the kids. I’m glad the kids are ok, but I’m just so relieved that they got their stupid stone back. Priorities, you know?

This movie is a decent sequel, but it differs from the Indian Jones formula in a few ways. In Raiders of the Lost ark and in The Last Crusade, the story takes you all around the world, it’s a global trek. Temple of Doom constricts you and keeps you focused on one place, the titular Temple of Doom. The ending is very conclusive and is really happy. The other movies end but leave the story open, and they don’t end with a romantic kiss and a bunch of happy kids.

There are some truly memorable moments like the raft-parachute and the mine cart chase… both sequences were cut out of Raiders for timing reasons. The rope bridge sequence, the eyeball soup, beating hearts ripped from living victims, and Short Round… this movie had some great moments of its own.

This isn’t a great sequel. It lost some of the momentum from the first movie, but they get it back in the third. You can tell that they aren’t quite sure what Indiana Jones represents, but they get back on track for The Last Crusade (and ruin everything in Crystal Skulls). This movie has its moments and it’s still required viewing if you want to call yourself a movie buff.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones is a cinematic icon. Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford were at the top of their game when the stars aligned and they came together to create Raiders of the Lost Ark. Harrison Ford created another character as classic and memorable as Han Solo, a nearly impossible feat. This film is nonstop action. Each action sequence is memorable and, more importantly, relevant to the plot. Indiana Jones is a hero who can’t quite catch a break, but refuses to fail.

Raiders of the Lost Ark Movie Poster

The opening sequence sums up Indiana Jones in a nutshell. He’s tromping through a jungle and explores a long lost temple. He discovers a rare object of indescribable historical significance and experiences booby traps and sudden betrayals and reveals his fear of snakes. Everything you need to know about the character and the trilogy is summed up spectacularly in the first few scenes. I say trilogy because there was no fourth movie that destroyed the franchise and made Shia LaDouche the heir apparent to donning the fedora and whip.

Indiana Jones is an archeology professor, one of the best in the world and he is recruited to by some military suits to keep the Nazis from finding the Ark of the Covenant. Indy’s old mentor Abner Ravenwood has a medallion that could reveal the location of the Ark, so Indy goes to find him before the Nazis do. Indiana Jones finds Abner’s daughter, Marion (Karen Allen), who says that Abner is dead and that she doesn’t know where the medallion is. It’s clear that Marion and Indy have a romantic past and that she’s bitter about something. Some Nazis come looking for the medallion and Indy saves her and the two of them team up and to Cairo with the medallion that she had the whole time.

They hang out in Egypt with a monkey and an old friend of Indy’s named Sallah (John Rhys-Davies). They learn a little about why the Nazis are so interested in finding the Ark and Indy finds out that his rival Belloq (Paul Freeman) is helping the Nazis find the Ark.

Indy has more information than the Nazis and is able to find the Ark. But nothing is ever easy for Indy and Belloq and the Nazis take away the Ark and trap Indy and Marion in an ancient tomb and leave them for dead. They manage to escape and there’s an exciting sequence with trucks and desert driving and Indy reclaims the Ark. Then the Nazis take it back but Indy is crafty and follows them and eventually gives himself up when he can’t destroy the Ark because it is too important. Belloq and the Nazis open the Ark and weird ghosty demons spew out and kill everyone who is watching, but Indy and Marion close their eyes and are spared because they didn’t see anything.

The movie ends with Indian Jones telling the military suits the significance of the Ark. They tell him that there are people working on it and then it cuts to the Ark in a crate being stashed into a huge warehouse with thousands of other identical crates.

Indiana Jones is a great character. He is bold and fearless but makes tons of mistakes and is flawed. He seems so brave and courageous but is scared of snakes. He seems so smart and educated but can’t spell for shit. He’s not perfect, that’s what makes him endearing. He is like James Bond but with a limp and a lisp, he’s almost as cool but can’t get away with everything. Things go wrong for him. He gets the artifact and loses it a second later. He gets in fights and fights dirty if he has to.

I remember that my dad got this movie at McDonald’s. Back in the day McDonald’s would occasionally sell movies and I remember getting a Happy Meal and coming home with the Raiders of the Lost Ark. We also got Dances with Wolves from McDonald’s too. I don’t know why that’s worth including in this review, but I had to share that with somebody.

Raiders of the Lost Ark is a great movie. It’s the start of a great franchise and there’s no doubt that it’s the best movie in that franchise. Indiana Jones is one of those few characters that transcend film. You don’t need to have seen any of the movies to recognize Indiana Jones. The leather jacket, the whip, the fedora… Indiana Jones is almost as recognizable as Mickey Mouse. If you haven’t seen this movie you have failed at life.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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Ahmed Best

Ahmed Best is an actor and musician. He’s released a few albums with his group The Jazzhole, he’s performed nationally on stage in Stomp, and he was in the biggest movie of 1999. He did everything right in order to become a successful working actor…. But he played the worst character in cinematic history, in one of the most disappointing films of all time. Ahmed Best is Jar Jar Binks.  What movie ruined the Star Wars franchise? The Phantom Menace. Why did the Phantom Menace suck so bad? Because George Lucas fucking hates me. And Jar Jar Binks was in it. Stupid, racist, annoying, CG stereotypes can make a bad movie even worse. And Ahmed Best will tell you that shitty parts mean a shitty career.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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