Tag Archives: food

Food Fight

A food fight is when you throw food at other people. Sometimes you don’t want to eat any more food. Sometimes you want to throw a spoonful of mashed potatoes at whoever happens to be sitting across from you. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I encourage you to start a food fight. Don’t throw any hard food, you want to hurl food items that splatter and stain. You’re not trying to hurt anybody; you’re just trying to make a mess. I know that there are starving kids in China, but it’s not really wasting food if you’re using it as a weapon of playful warfare. Food fights are a part of American culture. Everybody has participated in at least one food fight, and you haven’t lived if you’ve never chucked a dinner role at someone’s head. One of the best moments in cinematic history is the epic food fight depicted in Steven Spielberg’s Hook. If that doesn’t inspire you to throw food at somebody, I don’t know what will.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Packing Your Bag For A Festival

Last week I went to the Outside Lands festival in San Francisco. It was my fifth time in six years, so I knew what to expect and I came prepared. Packing your bag for a festival is an extremely vital step for an enjoyable weekend. The more supplied you are, the better the festival will be. Start by getting a decent sized backpack with a few different compartments. The biggest compartment is reserved for a beach towel or blanket to mark your spot, and it’s a good idea to throw in an extra jacket or hoodie in case it gets cold. The middle compartment is for food and drinks. And the smallest compartment is for small accessories like hand sanitizer and deodorant. Hand sanitizer goes a long way, especially at outdoor festivals that have a bunch of portapotties but no place to wash your hands. And deodorant is always nice to have, especially after hours of dancing and walking and baking underneath the hot sun. Sometimes I even include a small first aid kit, because you never know when your drunk ass will need a Band-Aid.

The food and drink compartment is the most important. You want to avoid buying food and drinks inside. The lines are too long and the prices are too high. I usually buy a bunch of mini liquor bottles (the kind they serve on planes) and I wrap them up in black socks and drop them in the bottom of the bag. Then I get beef jerky, trail mix, a few granola bars, maybe a sandwich, and some candy and throw those on top of the socked-up liquor bottles. They won’t be able to find your booze if you do it right. If they open your bag, they will just see a bunch of random snacks. Even if they take out the snacks, they won’t spot the liquor because it’s hard to see small black bundles on the bottom of a black bag. I’ll also buy a bottle of vodka and Gatorade and make some Faderade to take in. It looks just like Gatorade, so they probably wont confiscate it. If you make it the night before and stick it in the freezer, you’ll have an ice cold Faderade that will also turn the middle compartment into a cooler. I’ll usually bring in a few bottles of Coke for a caffeine boost and as a chaser for the mini liquor bottles.

If you want to smoke, I suggest that you roll a couple of joints or blunts and put them in a small container to keep them from getting squished or broken. They are easier to light, and it’s more convenient than packing a bowl. And when they start playing your favorite song, you just have to whip it out and spark it and you don’t have to fumble around. Properly packing your bag for a festival will make your weekend better. I spent three days at Outside Lands and didn’t spend a dime on booze or food at any of the vendors. Everything that I needed was in my bag. I was never uncomfortable, I was never hungry, and I was never sober. And I consider that a victory.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Double Dipping

Double dipping is a cardinal sin and should be treated as such. You’ll see somebody grab a chip, dip it in the salsa, and then take a bite. Then you’ll see them dip the chip again with the part that was in their mouth. They are essentially spitting into the salsa even though they deny it. Double dipping is not condoned, but there is a right way to do it. After your initial bite, you simply have to turn the chip 180 degrees and use the sanitary part to get more dip. Then you can dip your half-chewed chip without contaminating the rest of the dip. There you go, you get two dips with one chip without tainting the dip for everyone else. There’s really no excuse for double dipping. It’s gross, it’s rude, it’s lazy, and it’s beyond inconsiderate. I don’t want to taste your spit; I just want to enjoy the guacamole. You shouldn’t share with other people if you don’t have any etiquette.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Graham Cracker

Graham crackers were invented by a minister named Sylvester Graham. They were a fixture of a diet partially designed to curb masturbation. Seriously. You can’t make that shit up. He thought that eating bland food would suppress your carnal urges. A graham cracker is a lightly sweetened type of cracker that tastes almost like a cookie, except it’s slightly healthier for you. Graham crackers are a staple of children’s lunches and day care snack times around the world. They are a crucial part of your childhood. Your affection for graham crackers starts to wane once you hit puberty. Can you even remember the last time you had just a graham cracker and nothing else? S’mores don’t count. You haven’t had a graham cracker by itself since middle school, admit it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Farmer’s Market

A farmer’s market is a community event where farmers sell their fruits and veggies directly to the consumer. They take over a few city streets, they set up some tents and booths, and you get to casually stroll it all, enjoying the sunshine and fresh produce. There are usually a few food tents selling barbeque and kettle corn, there are always a few merchants selling tacky jewelry and ugly artwork, and the inevitable mediocre band playing country versions of old rock songs. There is usually a designated day of the week for the farmer’s market, it’s not open all the time. That’s part of the appeal. It’s not something that you get to experience every day. A peach that you get from the grocery store is boring, but a peach that you get from the famer’s market will be the best thing you’ve ever tasted. It will make you happy. You deserve to be happy.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dog

I don’t know what kind of degree Dr. Stein has, but he makes the quintessential bagel dog. A bagel dog is a hot dog encased in bagel bread. Kinda like a corn dog, but without the stick and bagel dough instead of cornbread. Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dog is all beef and certified kosher for all you hot dog loving Jews out there. It’s microwavable but it tastes better when you cook it in the oven. Here’s your random bagel dog fact of the day: Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dogs have a Facebook and Twitter account but they don’t have an entry on Wikipedia. That’s kind of creepy in this digital world we’re living in. If you’re not on Wikipedia, than you don’t exist.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Vegetarian Who Has Never Eaten Meat

Vegetarians are people who choose not to eat meat. Sometimes they do it for health or personal reasons, or because of religious requirements. I respect vegetarians who made a choice to avoid meat. That takes willpower. However, I can’t respect a vegetarian who has never eaten meat. They never made a choice; they just blindly go along with their upbringing. They are sheep. I can’t respect their opinion. A vegetarian who has never eaten meat is more judgmental and preachy about the dangers of eating meat than a real vegetarian too. They constantly talk about how bad bacon is. They need to shut the fuck up about things that they’ve never experienced. Bacon is fucking amazing. I’ll listen to a recovering alcoholic talk about the dangers of booze, but if some sober guy who has never had a sip of beer tells me to put down the bottle, I’ll throw it at his fucking skull. Being a vegetarian should be a choice, not something you blindly follow from birth. Eat a burger before you bash it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Don’t Go Down the Aisles at the Grocery Store

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Americans are fat. Not all of us, but more than half of us are, and that makes us a nation of fatties. There’s no denying it. It’s a fact. We are fat because we eat like shit. We eat processed foods and preservatives, we guzzle soda like it’s water, and we consider ketchup to be a vegetable. But there’s an easy solution to avoid getting thunder thighs or an extra chin: don’t go down the aisles at the grocery store. What a simple but brilliant concept. Think about it, everything that is bad for you is in the aisles: cookies, junk food, canned goods, TV dinners, soda, all that hoopla. But if you just stick to the perimeter you’ll get all the essentials like fresh veggies, fruit, bread, milk, cheese, eggs, meat, fish, and all the stuff that you really need. Hell, even beer, wine, and hard alcohol are usually around the perimeter… like I said, all the essentials. Avoiding the aisles is an easy way to eat healthy. Remember that the next time you go shopping.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Drinks, Snacks

Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

Taco Bell struck gold a few months ago when it launched their Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos. It was inevitable that there would be a sequel. And so now we have Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. Americans like to put ranch on everything and apparently that includes fake Mexican fast food. I don’t know why they couldn’t have followed it up with Salsa Verde or another flavor that makes sense, but whatever. I tried it because I’m extreme like that and I live on the edge. I liked it. It wasn’t as ranchy as I thought it would be and that’s a good thing. It tastes like a regular shitty Taco Bell taco but with hints of Cool Ranch. Try it out. There’s really no reason not to. The crazy thing about them is all that fake Cool Ranch/Nacho Cheese powder doesn’t add any calories. A regular taco and a Doritos Locos taco are both 78 calories and 113 calories if you go Supreme. That really is crazy. There’s no cure for cancer, there’s no solution to global warming… but we got tacos figured out. Good job, scientists.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Girl Reciting Everything She Ate That Day

It’s a known fact that girls keep an inventory of everything that they have ever eaten in their whole entire life. I’ve lost track of how many times a girl has told me what she ate that day. It’s always the same general story. It starts with her telling you that she’s fat. Not just fat, but SOOOO fat. Then she will proceed to list off every single thing that she ate that day and in the order that she ate it. It’s something like, “Oh my god, I’m so fat. I had half a Pop-Tart and a small bowl of Cheerios with bananas for breakfast, and then I splurged and got a small Jamba after yoga because I felt like earned it, and then I had half an Odwalla bar and 6 grapes with some water at the gym. Oh, and I had Kettle Chips before the gym. I had a salad at lunch and then Stacy and I were bad and split a cheesecake! It was chocolate and strawberry and it wasssssss ssssssooooooooo yummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy. I swear I could eat cheesecake like everyday….” It’s best to cut her off before you hear about dinner and all the other random snacks that she shoved in her face throughout the day. That’s awesome that you’re not bulimic but I don’t give a fuck what you ate. You look good though.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Limes

Limes are a small green citrus fruit. They grow on lime trees. They have a bitter, acidic flavor that goes well with a lot of food and drinks. It’s a staple ingredient of Thai, Vietnamese, Indian and Mexican cuisine. Limes are also extremely popular in bars. A margarita without a lime wheel is not a margarita. A gin & tonic without a lime garnish is unacceptable. A Corona without a lime wedge is downright blasphemous. It’s not a tequila shot without licking salt and biting a lime. Limes are a great source of Vitamin C, so you should always order drinks with a lime garnish at the bar. Who knew that preventing scurvy could be so much fun?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pho

Pho is a Vietnamese noodle soup and one of the most delicious things in the world. Pho is usually broth with rice noodles, herbs, and meat (typically beef or chicken). Lots of places also offer onions, jalapenos, bean sprouts, basil, lemons or limes to garnish your pho. Feel free to add Sriracha and other sauces too. Pho is an amazing dish, but it’s best experienced when you have a cold or a hangover. Pho might be the best remedy for a hangover. In fact, sometimes I intentionally get a hangover just so I have an excuse to get pho. And it’s always worth it.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Chex Mix Traditional

Chex Mix Traditional is a snack mix made by General Mills. There are a few other flavors, but the original Traditional is the best. It’s made of Chex cereal, pretzels, rye chips, and bread sticks. You can grab a handful and shove it in your mouth, or you can pick out the pretzels, chips, and bread sticks and eat them first, saving the Chex for last because that’s the best part. Nothing beats homemade Chex Mix but prepackaged goods are so convenient.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Super Bowl Sunday

It’s Super Bowl Sunday, America’s favorite pseudo-holiday. Football is the religion of choice for a lot of people. Super Bowl Sunday is like Christmas, New Year’s and Flag Day all rolled into one. The Baltimore Ravens face off against the San Francisco 49ers in New Orleans. Oh, and in case you haven’t heard, the two head coaches are brothers so everyone is talking about the Harbaugh Bowl (or Harbowl if you like puns). Some people are talking about Ray Lewis playing his last game. Everyone else is Kaepernicking.

The weird thing about the Super Bowl is that nobody is allowed to say it. It’s always “The Big Game” or some variant. It’s dumb; everyone knows that “The Big Game” is the Super Bowl. I don’t know why the NFL is so opposed to free advertising. I know that the NFL is a business, but they are stingy as fuck. They would charge you for the ice in your soda if they were a restaurant.

The Super Bowl boosts the economy in a lot of ways. Beer and alcohol sales skyrocket. Chips, dip, salsa, wings, cheese plates, and pork rinds fly off the shelves. Big screen TVs and surround sound systems get sold out. And I’m pretty sure that adult diaper sales also increase because you can’t go to the bathroom. You can’t miss the game and you can’t miss the commercials and all that beer has to go somewhere.

Enjoy the game, enjoy the day, and enjoy the people you’re spending it with. Get drunk, eat food, make bets, and have fun. And no matter the outcome, respect your city. It’s a game, not a reason to go riot.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Edibles

Why smoke weed when you can eat it? Edibles are culinary cannabis creations that get you high. You can buy premade treats from a dispensary or find appetizing recipes online. You can make almost anything magical: cookies, brownies, rice crispy treats, pasta, dressing, butter, chocolate, etc. You can even improve bacon. Edibles have endless opportunities but smoking weed is more fun. I like rolling it or packing a bowl, I like sparking the lighter, I like taking a hit and holding it in… I like the whole ritual of it all. But edibles are delicious and discrete. You can eat them in plain sight, you can take them on planes, into movies and concerts and get your stoned on without bothering anyone with smoke. They’re called magic brownies for a reason: not only is the brownie delicious but it also gets you stoned. How magical is that?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Salt Water Taffy

Salt water taffy is a type of chewy candy. I don’t know why it’s called salt water taffy. There’s no salt water in it. It’s kind of weird to lie about something as trivial as that. Anyway, salt water taffy comes in a variety of flavors, but it’s impossible to tell what those flavors are. Some of them are fruity but I couldn’t tell you which fruit it’s trying to emulate. Salt water taffy’s biggest competition comes from Laffy Taffy, but salt water taffy doesn’t need to resort to cheap gimmicks like putting lame jokes on the label to sell in units. Salt water taffy has been around for over a hundred years; it’s not going away anytime soon.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce

Steak. Steak is delicious and amazing. Some people add sauce or spices to amp up the flavor factor. A lot of people like A1 Steak Sauce or merlot garlic butter. I prefer my steak with some Worcestershire sauce, preferably Lea & Perrins brand. Worcestershire is a tongue twister. They should give you a free bottle if you can say it ten times fast without fucking up. Worcestershire sauce is a smorgasbord of flavor enhancers. It’s made of malt vinegar, spirit vinegar, molasses, sugar, salt, anchovies, tamarind extract, onions, garlic, spice, and flavoring. Mmmmm, flavoring. Wikipedia suggests that the spice and flavoring are cloves, soy sauce, lemons, pickles, and peppers. I pretty much like the flavors and tastes of all those items. Tamarind extract is especially appetizing.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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