I took the bus to work yesterday and there was an old man by the bus stop washing the sidewalk with a hose and a bucket of soapy water. As I walked up, I saw the notification that my bus was one minute away so I posted up near where one of the bus doors would open. I was standing there looking at my phone when I heard someone say, “You need to move! Hey, you need to move!”
I turned around to see what was going on. It was the old man washing the sidewalk, staring directly at me with his hose in his hand. He said I needed to move again. I looked right at him and said, “I’m waiting for the bus and this is the bus stop.” He told me I needed to move again. I asked him if he was threatening me a hose. At this point the bus was pulling up and the seven other people waiting at the bus stop starting walking through his freshly washed sidewalk to get on the bus and that seemed to really set him off. He started yelling at me and the other people that he makes more money than us. He makes four hundred dollars a day! He makes more money than we will ever see in our lives!
A few other people joined me in my casual resistance of the sidewalk tyrant by laughing at his pathetic attempts to start a fight. He didn’t like that because then he glared at me and said, “Semper Fi! That’s right! I’m a Marine, bitch!” I told him that Memorial Day was yesterday (it really was), and I got on the bus while he was still yelling about how rich he was and how that makes him a better person. I rode off on the bus, leaving behind the old man and his hose but gaining a new story of how miserable some people are.
That old man ultimately did me a great favor. I had no idea how lucrative washing the sidewalk could be. I’m going to get me a water hose.
Chasing Tyson is an ESPN 30 for 30 documentary about Evander Holyfield’s quest for glory and respect, and more importantly, to escape being stuck in Mike Tyson’s shadow. Holyfield was one of the greatest boxers of all time. He clawed his way up the boxing ranks and gradually became the only four-time heavyweight champion of the world, but he’s still best remembered for being the guy that Mike Tyson bit.
The documentary follows the two boxers as their careers unfold. Mike Tyson was a superstar, knocking people out quickly and brutally. He was crazy and dangerous and the media loved him for it. He transcended boxing. Evander Holyfield was the exact opposite. He was quiet, calm, and unassuming. He didn’t have explosive knockout power, but he had heart and the skill necessary to beat Tyson yet nobody believed that he stood a chance against him.
Holyfield did everything he could to prove himself as worthy opponent to Tyson. He beat everyone that Tyson beat, and that still wasn’t enough. The only way to prove that he was better than Tyson was to beat Tyson. Their long awaited fight was delayed for years while Mike Tyson served time in prison, and the two fighters were well past their prime when they finally met in the ring.
Mike Tyson will always be one of the most remembered and discussed boxers in history. Holyfield will be remembered as well, but mostly because he was linked to Tyson. Holyfield worked longer, harder, and deserves more recognition and respect. He’s never going to get it. Life’s not fair. Just ask Evander Holyfield.
I was hanging out with some friends the other day. It was a fun time up until they started bickering about some minor bullshit that occurred between the two of them a few weeks earlier. They started hurling accusations and insults at each other and the tension was rising. I had to intervene to calm them down. I gave them a reminder that they were in public and told them to kindly shut the fuck up. I hate getting stuck in the middle of an argument, especially stupid ones. Luckily I didn’t have to choose sides this time. People are going to argue and butt heads from time to time. Sometime innocent people get stuck in the crossfire. You can either turn a blind eye or you can try to be the voice of reason. Either choice has potential repercussions. Choose wisely. It’s a terrible feeling when people you care about don’t get along and showcase it in front of you. Especially when it’s your parents and you’re the topic of discussion.
I wouldn’t say that I hate anybody, but there are a few people that I simply don’t get along with. We don’t see eye to eye, we rub each other the wrong way, and we can’t help but bicker and argue. Some people just aren’t meant to be friends. And that’s ok as long as you don’t physically come to blows or keep your psychological warfare to a minimum (at least when other people are in the room). All you can do is try to be civil or at least pretend to be. Don’t be petty. Don’t undermine them. Don’t cut them down or insult them to their face, wait until they leave the room. Then you can talk shit behind their back, the way that you’re supposed to air your grievances. Some people don’t get along. That’s all there is to it. Don’t take it personally. It’s awesome if you have thousands of friends, but you’re doing something wrong if you don’t have any enemies.
One of the best things about childhood was getting a toy in the cereal box. I grew up with three siblings and breakfast time would sometime erupt into a war over who got the toy. It was always a shitty toy made of cheap plastic and it was never something worth paying money for. But it was free and it was there and I wanted it. Actually, I didn’t really want it, I just didn’t want my sister to have it. And she didn’t want me to have it. So we would fight over it until we would get sent to our rooms. The winner was the lucky one who ended up with the toy. That toy became so much more than a toy if you emerged victorious. It became a trophy. It was something that you earned. You would flaunt it around and taunt your siblings with it for a couple of days until the excitement died down. Then a few days after that we would get a new box of cereal and the battle would begin anew. I used to have a whole collection of cereal box toys. I wonder what happened to them. I hope my sister didn’t find them, that fucking cunt.
There’s a video circulating the internet of an angry homophobe attacking a man he believes is gay. It’s a video that shows the best of people and the worst of people. It starts with an angry guy taunting and threatening a fellow traveller wearing a pink shirt. A group of nervous onlookers try to calm the man down and relieve the situation. They ask him why he’s so upset, they try to reason with him, they ask him if it’s worth going to jail for. All of that just adds fuel to the fire and he suddenly attacks the guy in pink. But then the crowd jumps into action, tackling him and restraining him until a few cops show up to arrest him. It’s street justice, it’s vigilantism, it’s instant karma. The best part is that this video takes place in the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport, deep in the heart of Texas. Texas isn’t exactly known for being liberal and supportive of gay rights, so it’s refreshing to see the crowd rush in to help. It looks like one guy even broke his ankle in the process. There’s a lot of hate in the world, but there’s a lot more love. It’s hard to remember that sometimes. Videos like this remind you of that.
You’re in a heated argument and the other guy crosses the line and insults your mother. You love your mother and you have to let him know that. So you bitch slap him. That’s when you smack him in the face with your palm with the all the power and force of a punch behind it. It doesn’t have to be a form of domestic violence and it shouldn’t be. It should be the step before fists start flying and actual punches are being thrown. It’s like the precursor to a real fight, but it’s more of a physical insult. It’s soul-crushing. It’s demeaning, You don’t want to be the one being bitch slapped. You want to be the bitch slapper. But be wary of assault charges because that’s an actual possibility. Be careful who you’re bitch slapping. Ideally you’re only witnessing the bitch slap because that is pure entertainment. I’m not condoning violence, just bitch slaps. And don’t take this article seriously, it’s just filler material. I got to write about something. Thanks for reading it though.
You’re going to fight on your vacation. It doesn’t matter if you’re on vacation with your friends or with your family. It doesn’t matter if you’re an hour from home or twelve hours from home. At some point there will be raised voices and a heated exchange. It’s inevitable, it’s unavoidable, and it’s going to fucking happen. It’s impossible to be stuck in close proximity with other people without butting heads at some point. Every gets tired and cranky, and it doesn’t take much to rub someone the wrong way. Everyone has their own itinerary; their own stuff that they want to see or do, and not everyone will get their way. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the group at the expense of your own personal enjoyment. And sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and make a stink. Fighting on vacation is a tradition as old as going on vacation. You can’t have one without the other. Just try to resolve things before they get too escalated, because it’s better to suffer together than to suffer alone in a strange place.
A food fight is when you throw food at other people. Sometimes you don’t want to eat any more food. Sometimes you want to throw a spoonful of mashed potatoes at whoever happens to be sitting across from you. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I encourage you to start a food fight. Don’t throw any hard food, you want to hurl food items that splatter and stain. You’re not trying to hurt anybody; you’re just trying to make a mess. I know that there are starving kids in China, but it’s not really wasting food if you’re using it as a weapon of playful warfare. Food fights are a part of American culture. Everybody has participated in at least one food fight, and you haven’t lived if you’ve never chucked a dinner role at someone’s head. One of the best moments in cinematic history is the epic food fight depicted in Steven Spielberg’s Hook. If that doesn’t inspire you to throw food at somebody, I don’t know what will.
Nobody likes to sit next to a stranger. That’s pretty apparent whenever you go into a bar and sit at the bar top. You don’t sit down right next to a random stranger, because that’s creepy and weird. You always need a buffer chair (an empty chair that separates you from the other barflies). Everyone wants their own space, a personal place to drown their sorrows in peace. But the problem with everyone utilizing the buffer chair system is that when the bar fills up, there’s not enough space for groups to sit together. This could lead to a potential conflict, and alcohol and conflicts aren’t a good mix. You could end up fighting for a barstool. It’s been known to happen. Most of the time it will just be a verbal argument, but that could escalate quickly. I’ve seen people come to blows over a barstool. Drunk people will fight over anything though. Sometimes they even fight over women. Crazy, I know. Fighting for a barstool is pretty lame, but sometimes you have to defend your turf and your honor. Just don’t get carried away, because the buffer seat defense won’t hold up in court.