July 4, 2013 · 8:06 am

Fireworks

So it’s the Fourth of July and it’s a big deal for Americans. We consider it our birthday, and we celebrate it by trying to blow up the sky with massive amounts of pyrotechnics in multiple cities in every single state. What’s more American than using something from China? If you’ve been to one fireworks show, you’ve been to them all. It’s usually about fifteen to twenty minutes of pretty explosions in the night sky, which culminates in a finale that always manages to leave you disappointed (mostly because you don’t want it to end). There’s always a bunch of people recording the fireworks on their phone rather than enjoying the spectacle. I don’t care how good the camera is on your phone, watching a fireworks display on an iPhone is not exciting at all. Fireworks aren’t cool unless you see them in person. The only way to truly experience them is to actually experience them. I’ve seen firework displays a bunch of times and even though they can be somewhat monotonous, there’s always a part of me that is totally mesmerized. I’ll know I’ve stopped appreciating life when I no longer appreciate fireworks.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 4, 2013 · 8:04 am

Photobombing

Photobombing is when you sneak into the background of a picture without being noticed. It’s fun to photobomb your friends, but it’s more fun to photobomb strangers. The next time you notice some people taking a picture, put a stupid expression on your face and jump in behind them. It’s important that they don’t notice you until they examine the picture. If you do it right, they won’t see you until somebody else points out that they got photobombed. You got to pick your moments for photobombing. It should be a harmless prank; you’re not trying to ruin a once in a lifetime moment. You should only photobomb casual photos, not wedding photos or graduation pictures. It should be a harmless prank; you’re not trying to ruin a once in a lifetime moment.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 3, 2013 · 9:29 am

Naked Peach Guava + Coconut Water

Naked makes all natural fruit juices, made with 100% juice and no sugar added. It’s healthy and delicious, not to mention it’s also gluten free, has no preservatives, and is vegan. But I don’t care about all the health bullshit, I care if it tastes good or not. And it tastes good. I got the Peach Guava + Coconut Water blend. It has ¾ of a peach, ¾ of a guava, ½ of a coconut’s water, 1/3 of a mango, ¾ of an orange, and ¾ of an apple. The peach, guava, and mango makes it tastes tropical, the coconut water gets kind of muted, but it makes the medley more refreshing. And it’s fun to say that I got Naked at the store. Or that I got Naked with your mom and she swallowed my sweet sticky juice. I can keep going with this. There’s nothing wrong with getting Naked. You should get Naked too and see what all the fuss is about. Everyone should get Naked and we can have a huge Naked party.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 3, 2013 · 9:25 am

Getting Distracted

Everyday you have something that you need to get done by a certain time. It’s paying a bill, it’s finishing a report, it’s doing chores or running errands. We all have things to do and only a little bit of time to get it done. Some people keep their eye on the ball, but most of us prefer getting distracted on a subconscious level. We would rather listen to music, or get sucked into a TV show, or surf the net for hours rather than do actual work, because those things are more fun than work. It’s hard to stay focused when a smart phone allows you to hold the entire internet in your hand. We are nowhere near being as productive as our grandparents were. It seems like we want to get sidetracked, like we want to fail on some level. And I’m ok with that. I even created this site to distract you from your daily routine for a few minutes before something else distracts you from this distraction. That’s what the Internet is… a giant web of distractions.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 2, 2013 · 11:25 am

Forgetting to Charge Your Phone

You’re getting ready to go out for a few hours. You take a shower, you brush your teeth, you find something to wear, you make sure you have your keys, phone, and wallet, and then head out the front door. You feel like you’re prepared and that you have everything that you need until you look at your phone and you see it only has 25% battery left. Great, now you can only use your phone for texting and emergency calls. Checking Facebook or playing games will just turn your phone into a paperweight. You’re still kind of relieved that you brought it because you would feel naked without it, but a dead phone is a useless phone. It’s like a wallet without any cash or credit cards. It’s just a shell of what it’s supposed to be. I don’t like to leave the house with less than 80% battery life, but I always prefer a full charge for peace of mind. And I hate whoring myself out to borrow somebody’s charger.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 2, 2013 · 11:24 am

RunPee

Going to the movies these days is a big deal. Tickets are expensive, the snacks and candy are expensive, the sodas are expensive… a 3-D IMAX movie for two people plus food can easily set you back fifty bucks. So it sucks when you’re watching a movie and you have to go to the bathroom. You don’t know when to get up and go. You paid and arm and a leg to watch this blockbuster and don’t want to miss the part where Superman destroys Metropolis. RunPee solves this problem. It’s a website and a downloadable app that tells you when to go. You select which movie you’re seeing, and it gives you a few options for the best time to go, like 47 minutes into the film when so-and-so says something, or an hour and twelve minutes into the film when another character makes a quip. And then it will tell you if you have three minutes or five minutes to use the bathroom. It even gives you a brief summary of what you missed. The app costs 99 cents. It’s worth every penny (yes, all 99 of them). The app comes with a timer so you don’t have to be glancing at your phone constantly. It will also tell you if there’s anything after the credits. It even dims your phone so you don’t disturb anyone else while using it. It’s a pretty handy app, and well worth getting if you’re a film junkie with a small bladder.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 1, 2013 · 10:18 am

Blacks and Asians

Have you ever noticed how much blacks and Asians have in common? They respect each other’s culture and even attempt to assimilate some cultural aspects. If you pay attention to pop culture, you’ll notice that blacks and Asians borrow from each other all the time. Case in point, the Wu-Tang Clan. They were heavily influenced by martial arts films and their debut album’s theme is about Shaolin style versus Wu-Tang style. RZA even did the music for Kill Bill. Blacks and Asians also share an affinity for Jackie Chan, but everybody loves Jackie Chan so I’m not sure that counts. They both love rap music and basketball and can dance way better than any white guy. A huge percentage of rappers and R&B singers use Chinese dragons and Kung Fu films as a motif in their music. There are an absurd amount of movies and TV shows about black ninjas/samurais/karate masters. Blade, Ghost Dog, Afro Samurai, etc. And we even have a bunch of martial arts films where a black person teams up with an Asian, like in the Rush Hour trilogy, Romeo Must Die… there are other examples but I’m too lazy to Google them. Asians are also the only race that blacks will allow to dress up like gangstas. It’s a compromise. If two cultures are constantly oppressed by Whitey, it’s only natural to form an alliance.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 1, 2013 · 10:11 am

Getting Sucked Into Your Timeline

I’m on Facebook a lot because I’m a product of my time. I make statuses, I check into places, I post pictures, I share articles, and I get tagged every single day. Every once in a while, I will log on and check out my profile. It’s like looking at your life from an outsider’s perspective. You’ll start looking at what other people have posted on your wall, and you’ll eventually start looking at old pictures. We don’t have actual photo albums anymore. Instead we have Facebook Timeline. It sucks that it’s not tangible, but it’s better in a lot of ways. You’ll stumble upon a picture of you and a group of friends that you never see anymore in a place that you never go to anymore. You’ll feel nostalgic and you can instantly tag them or message them to remind them about the glory days. It tells you when it was posted, so you can reflect on how much shit has changed since it was taken. Then you’ll click on another picture of another group of forgotten friends in another forgotten place. Then you click on another picture, and another bunch of memories come flooding back. Before you know it, three hours have passed and it’s time for bed. Getting sucked into your timeline is like picking up your yearbook from senior year, it’s a trip down memory lane.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 30, 2013 · 10:13 am

Bidet

I used to live in Los Angeles and rented out a house that had a bidet. That was my first experience with a bidet outside of that memorable scene in Crocodile Dundee. In fact, it was only because of that movie that I even knew what a bidet was and what it was used for (“for washing your backside”). So I had a bidet in my bathroom. I had to try it and I did. I tried it a few times. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t for me. I prefer toilet paper. I would rather wipe my ass than hose it down. Bidets are classy, but they are also intimidating, especially if you have no clue how to use them. Most Americans don’t know which way to face, or if they should take their pants off to avoid splashes, or if they can pee in it. And you’re wet afterward so you still need to wipe and that kind of defeats the purpose. Whatever. To each his own.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 30, 2013 · 10:11 am

My Friend Stole My Face Wash

So my friend stole my face wash. I don’t mean that he borrowed a little bit each day until it was gone. I mean that he fucking took the whole tube out of my medicine cabinet in one fell swoop. Who the fuck does that? Are you really that desperate for a facial cleanse that you’re willing to steal? That’s pathetically low. It’s damn near rock bottom. I can forgive somebody stealing from me for a heroin fix, but smooth skin and exfoliated pores hardly seems worthy of jeopardizing your reputation. There’s no reason and there’s no excuse for bullshit like that, so don’t bother explaining yourself. All you had to do was ask. Instead you decided to steal it and reveal your true colors. Now I’m going to suspect you whenever something goes missing. I hope it was worth it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 29, 2013 · 8:24 am

Behind on Memes

I have a friend on Facebook who is constantly posting and sharing links, pictures, and videos on his profile. He has the same sense of humor as me, and we share a lot of the same interests, and most of the things that he posts are from websites that I visit regularly. But all the shit that he shares are at least a week old. He is behind on his memes and he doesn’t realize it. It’s new to him, so he assumes it’s new to everyone else. So he will post clips of Charlie biting his brother or a guy freaking out about a double rainbow and act like he’s a fucking trendsetter. Being behind on memes is like being behind on the latest celebrity death… Yeah, it’s sad that James Gandolfini died, but that was a fucking week ago, not four hours ago. The internet has an extremely quick turnover rate. If it’s two days old, I’m already over it. And so is everyone else.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 29, 2013 · 8:22 am

Pedicab

A pedicab is a pedal-powered taxicab. It looks like a giant tricycle with a couch in the back. It’s a green and clean form of transportation, but your speed is entirely dependent on how in shape your driver is and how many people you have crammed into the pedicab. You’ll see two couples snuggling in the back of the cab as the wheezing driver struggles to obtain a speed faster than 10 miles per hour. You can walk faster than most of them. You usually find pedicabs in groups of three or more waiting outside of tourist attractions in major cities, desperately hollering at people, begging for their business. I’m convinced that the pedicab industry is based entirely on pity. No self-respecting local would be caught dead in one. They are for tourists who are tired of walking and are too cheap to take a ride in a horse-drawn carriage. I like the zero-emission concept, but there should be a way to make being green less embarrassing.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 28, 2013 · 8:29 am

Walking in on Someone in the Bathroom

Walking in on someone in the bathroom is inevitable. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. You are eventually going to walk in on someone in the bathroom, and you will see things that you never wanted to see. Walking in on someone using the bathroom always happens the same way. Nature calls, you get up to respond, you go to the bathroom, you open the door, and you’re shocked to see somebody’s already on the pot. For some reason you both say sorry at the exact same time, and then you close the door and back away, desperately trying to erase that image from your head. It’s hard to say who is more embarrassed in this situation. Would you rather catch a glimpse of someone else’s bowel movement or have someone else see your pooping technique? It’s an easily avoided situation if the pooper would only lock the fucking door.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 28, 2013 · 8:26 am

They Changed the Price

Today was laundry day, so I grabbed my hamper, some detergent, and the exact amount of quarters required, and headed to the Laundromat. I threw my clothes in the washer, plunked down some quarters, and everything was going great. And then it was time to throw my stuff in the dryer. I had the dryer all loaded up and started dropping in my quarters and I noticed that something was different. They changed the price. We are creatures of habit, and laundry is definitely habitual, and so suddenly needing another quarter changes everything. I thought I brought the precise number of quarters necessary, but inflation had other ideas. I didn’t have any cash on me, so I had to resort to asking the other patrons for a spare quarter like a bum. I got a quarter from one reluctant lady so I was able to finish it. She only gave it to me because she was caught off guard by the price change too and felt sympathy for me. I know that it’s a sign of progression and economic growth, but part of me dies whenever they change the price. I would probably die if Arizona Iced Tea ever charged more than 99 cents per can.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 27, 2013 · 10:26 am

Gay Marriage

So DOMA was struck down, the Prop 8 appeal was denied, and now equality is one step closer to reality. This is a great time for the US, and especially for San Francisco… Gay marriage + Pride weekend = One hell of a party. I’m not gay, but I live in San Francisco and there’s no room for bigotry here. I work with gay people, I hang out with gay people, I drink with gay people, and I see no problems celebrating their victory. But this isn’t just their victory; it’s a victory for everybody. Everybody has the right to be happy and marry the person that they love. And if more people can get married, then there will be more weddings. And weddings usually have an open bar. Everybody wins. Gay marriage shouldn’t even be an issue. Shit, homosexuality shouldn’t be an issue. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. We already knew all that, but now the courts recognize it too. It’s about fucking time. Congratulations to us all. But you should still be a little weary because in the next few years all the bigots/haters/igorami will start talking about the dangers of gay divorce.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 27, 2013 · 10:23 am

Taking Up Smoking

I’ve decided to take up smoking. I’m not trying to look cool, I’m not trying to influence any kids to do the same, and I’m not trying to impress anyone. Nope, I’m taking up smoking in order to get more breaks at work. I live in San Francisco and there are a lot of strict labor laws. I only get a thirty-minute break every 6 hours. My managers will raise a stink if they catch me sitting down in the break room while I’m on the clock. But I’ve noticed that smokers get an unofficial 5-10 minute break every hour without getting in any trouble. I want to get in on that action. I want to get paid for ignoring my customers, filling my lungs with smoke, and polluting the planet all at once. I think I would be good at that. So I bought a pack of cloves (because cigarettes aren’t hipster enough) and now I’m able to take breaks whenever I want to. And life has never been better. I wonder what other substances I can consume at work to make the time go faster…. Drugs are bad.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 26, 2013 · 9:57 am

Watching a Game with a Rival Fan

I went to AT&T Park a few weeks ago to watch the San Francisco Giants take on the San Diego Padres. I went to the game with a friend from work. He wore his Padres cap, while I rocked my Giants sweatshirt. We grabbed a few drinks before the game and raised our glasses to a good game. Then we went into the stadium and found our seats. We were talking and joking and having a good time. But then the game started and the atmosphere changed. Suddenly we became rivals. We were still making small talk, but most of our conversations involved shit-talking and subtle insults about the other team. Watching a game with a rival fan is an interesting experience. You’re watching the exact same game, but you’re seeing two different things. My heroes are his villains and vice versa. I’m cheering while he’s silent. He’s clapping while I’m shaking my head in disbelief. But you can also find out more about the other team. He knows more about his team then you do. And you can also tell him facts about your team. You get a look at the bigger picture. The major problem with watching a game with a rival fan is that somebody is going to lose and that can make for an awkward car ride home. So if your team wins, be a good sport and try not to gloat. And if your team loses, be a good sport and try not to mope.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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