Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

June 28, 2015 · 12:36 pm

Cereal is a Soup

A lot of my stories start out like this but I was at the bar the other day, only this time I was having a serious discussion about the classification of cereal with my friend. I said that cereal is a soup. He disagreed. I rattled off a few of my points: it’s mostly liquid, it’s served in a bowl, and you generally eat it with a spoon. He said it can’t be a soup because it’s cold. Being the Simpsons fan that I am, I told him that gazpacho is a tomato soup served ice cold. I looked up cereal on Wikipedia and it defines cereal as a food made from processed grains, served either hot or cold, and generally eaten as the first meal of the day. I propose that cereal is a breakfast soup. I think that’s a logical conclusion.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 7, 2015 · 12:19 pm

Skittles Orchards

I went to the corner store to get a Red Bull. As I was standing in line to pay for it, I noticed a pack of Skittles in an unfamiliar package color. An unfamiliar package color can only mean one thing: a new flavor lineup of Skittles. I snatched up the dark green bag and discovered new Skittles Orchards. All the candies are flavored like fruits that grow on trees. There’s Cherry, Red Apple, Orange, Peach, and Lime. Orchards is a pretty apt name for them. Cherry is tart. Red Apple is crisp tasting. Orange is the same Orange that you know and love from Skittles Original. Peach is sweet. And Lime is sour. I’m glad they brought back Lime Skittles. I missed those fuckers. Skittles Orchards are a welcome addition to the Skittles family. I tasted the rainbow, I encourage you to do the same.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 31, 2015 · 2:47 pm

Finding Forgotten Food in the Freezer

I came home kind of late the other night and I was kind of tipsy. I needed food. I didn’t think that I had any. I checked the freezer just to be sure. I found a half-empty box of Bagel Bites. I was beyond stoked. I let out a cheer and did a victory dance. Finding forgotten food in the freezer is like hitting the late night munchie jackpot. A minute earlier and my stomach was growling and I was desperate for food. A minute later and I suddenly had five little bagel pizzas to scarf down. I popped that shit in the oven, because fuck the microwave. If you’re going to eat Bagel Bites, you have to do it right. Microwaving them leaves them soggy and bland. Baking them in the oven makes them crispy and delicious. They go great with a cold soda or a can of PBR. I didn’t mean for this post to turn into a commercial for Bagel Bites. These things write themselves, I just go along with it. There’s no denying that when pizza is on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 24, 2015 · 1:40 pm

Food Fight (redux)

A food fight is people throw food at each other instead of eating it. It’s a staple of physical comedy. There’s something oddly satisfying about seeing someone getting smashed in the face with a pie. There are a few types of food fights. There are Hollywood food fights and there are real food fight fights. A Hollywood food fight is pretty cliché. Two hot girls fight by pouring milkshakes over each other’s heads and down their dresses. The young protagonist stands up to the bully in the cafeteria and uses food instead of fists to settle a problem, then a random fat kid yells “FOOD FIGHT!” and everyone gets in on it.

Real food fights can be organized, like Spain’s annual La Tomatina festival where thousands of participants hurl hundreds of thousand tomatoes at each other, or they can be spontaneous. Sometimes the best way to settle a family argument is to throw a spoonful of mashed potatoes at your little sister. Of course if you flick the first spoonful you should expect two spoonfuls in return. Food fights are only fun when they escalate. And they are contagious so you have to be careful. It’s hard to see people fighting with food and not want to join in on the fun.

There’s nothing more American than fighting with food. There are starving kids in China, but fuck them and fuck you, I’d rather spit peas at people than eat them. If I want to waste food, I’m going to do it with style.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 1, 2015 · 5:12 pm

Waiting for a Burrito

I was hungry and craving a burrito earlier. And when you’re craving a burrito, getting a burrito becomes your top priority. I grabbed my skateboard and had to make a choice. I could go left or right. The burrito place on the left was closer but more expensive. The burrito place on the right was farther away, but they had better burritos for a cheaper price. I decided to go to the right. I got there and was dismayed to see the line going out the door. I decided to suck it up and got in line. I was only waiting for a few minutes when I heard the cashier tell a customer that it would take at least twenty-five minutes until his food would be ready. I needed a burrito, but I’m not going to wait a half an hour to get one. I had to go to the other burrito place.

I skated back the other direction, passing my house and continuing on for a few more blocks. Luckily there wasn’t much of a line. I was able to order within a minute or two, and was out the door in less than five minutes. I skated back home with my well-deserved burrito. As I peeled back the foil and bit into it, I noticed the time. It had been roughly twenty-five minutes since I left one burrito place for the other. But all that extra skating was worth it because I didn’t have to wait. Waiting for a burrito is a waste of time. I regret nothing.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 24, 2015 · 12:50 pm

Acquired Taste

An acquired taste is a slowly developed appreciation for a beverage or food. For instance, most people don’t enjoy alcohol the first time they try it. They have to force it down. The more they drink it, the more used to the taste they get, and gradually they start to enjoy it. It’s kind of dumb in a funny sort of way. I don’t like this. This is gross. But I’m going to keep drinking it regardless. Ugh, let me choke down another sip. Blah. Another sip. You know what? It’s not so bad. Not good, but not terrible. Another sip. It’s growing on me. Sip, sip, sip. Mmm, this is good. I wonder if it comes in other flavors. Before you know it, you’re a connoisseur of sorts trying to get other people to try what you once hated.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 22, 2015 · 3:22 pm

Bacon

I’ve been blogging for more than three years now and I’ve somehow neglected to write about bacon. I’ve written about Canadian bacon. I’ve written about bacon jerky. But this is the first post about real bacon. Real bacon is officially known as side bacon or streaky bacon, and it comes from pig belly meat. The USDA defines bacon as the cured belly of a swine carcass. Don’t let that definition dissuade you from trying bacon. It’s delicious. It’s a wonder food. It’s amazing by itself and it makes everything else better. Try it with eggs. Try it with lettuce and tomato. Try it wrapped around fried chicken. Turn a cheeseburger into a bacon cheeseburger. Take that Bloody Mary to another level. Bacon is a four billion dollar industry in the United States alone. Jews and vegetarians have no idea what they are missing out on. I don’t care what they say, eating bacon is totally kosher.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2015 · 9:00 pm

Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans

Hey kids, do you like Harry Potter? Remember that part where Harry and his pals eat jelly beans with crazy flavors? Well, thanks to Jelly Belly and product licensing, you can eat them too! There are traditional Jelly Belly flavors like Banana, Blueberry, Cherry, Lemon, Tutti-Fruiti, and Watermelon. But there are also awful flavors like Booger, Dirt, Earthworm, Grass, Rotten Egg, Sausage, Soap, and Vomit. You can mix and match the flavors to create exciting combinations like an Earthworm and Dirt. You can also eat Vomit and then get rid of the horrible taste with Soap. The best way to enjoy Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans is to give your friend a bad tasting jelly bean and watch how they react to it. You should film it if possible. Put it on YouTube if they freak out. It’s also fun to experience the flavors for yourself. They actually made candy that tastes like rotten eggs. How can you pass up an opportunity like that?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 3, 2015 · 10:19 pm

Outside Food

I work in a restaurant and I’m surprised at how many people try to bring in outside food. They will bring in hot dogs, chowder bowls, pretzels, ice cream cones, etc. Then they act shocked when you tell them that they can’t bring outside food inside. Some of them get mad about it. They will try to argue, they will try to justify it, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse as to why they should be allowed to bring it in. The bottom line is that you’re going to a restaurant to eat the food that it offers. That’s the whole point of going there. You don’t need to go to a restaurant if you already have food in your grubby little hand. So don’t go. Stay outside, enjoy your outside food, and you can come in once it’s finished to see what they have to offer inside. It’s as simple as that. You don’t go to the movies to watch Netflix on your phone. You don’t go to the bar with a beer in your hand. What makes you think it’s ok to go to a restaurant if you’re not going to eat their food? Oy, people suck.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 29, 2015 · 2:03 pm

Slice of Gum

I had a friend in high school who would ask me for a slice of gum almost every single day. Not a stick of gum. A slice of gum. That’s what he called it. He knew what he was doing because he would also ask for a slice of paper during class. He liked to call things slices I guess. And he really liked asking for stuff too. Anyway, slice of gum sounds better. I think that’s what it should be called. He was really onto something there. Anyone can have a stick of gum or a piece of gum. I want a slice. A slice of gum would really hit the spot.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 2, 2015 · 10:47 pm

Jiffy Pop

Jiffy Pop is a brand of popcorn. It’s not microwavable and it’s not pre-popped. It comes in an aluminum pan with a foil cover that you can heat up over an oven or open flame. It’s the best tasting popcorn in the world if you manage not to burn it. That’s because it takes considerate skill not to burn it. You’ve truly earned it if you make Jiffy Pop right. That makes it taste better. Jiffy Pop used to be common in the household. Now you mostly see it while camping or at bonfires if you see it at all. There’s no need to manually cook popcorn if you have a microwave handy. Jiffy Pop had its glory days. It’s time we all moved on, but there’s nothing wrong with a little nostalgia from time to time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 2, 2014 · 3:57 pm

Ordering a Pizza From Domino’s Online

It’s a rainy day and I’m feeling lazy so I felt like ordering a pizza. I wanted something cheap and fast, so I chose Domino’s. I haven’t had their pizza in a while and I felt like they deserved another shot. I went to their website and saw that they’ve elaborated their online ordering. It makes it really easy to build and customize your pizza. There’s a virtual picture of your pizza that displays your toppings so you can see what the pizza will actually look like. You can see if pepperoni and bacon looks better than sausage and mushrooms. As soon as you place the order, you can follow the action with the Domino’s Tracker. It tells you when the order was placed, when they started prepping it (Antonio started making my order at 3:39 pm), when they started baking it (Antonio put it in the oven at 3:49 pm), when they perform the quality check, and when they start to deliver it. Right now it’s only 3:53 pm so I don’t know if the pizza tastes good or not, but I’m pretty impressed with ordering a pizza from Domino’s online. I will definitely do this again.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 1, 2014 · 2:20 pm

People Who Don’t Know How to Eat Buffalo Wings

Buffalo wings are delicious. They are spicy, they are messy, and they are sometimes all you can eat. And a surprising number of people don’t know how to eat them. They leave way too much meat on the bone, and that’s a waste of a wing. Luckily there are lots of YouTube videos and life hack instructions that teach you how to properly eat chicken wings. It’s all about deboning the wing by twisting and removing the bones, leaving a fully edible hunk of meat behind that you can simply pop into your mouth. It’s important to be efficient, you don’t want to waste food. There are starving kids in Africa, and eating all your food helps them somehow. I included a video of a hot Hooters girl teaching you how to debone buffalo wings. I hope it helps you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 26, 2014 · 10:06 pm

Food Coma

Thanksgiving is almost amongst us, and that means that there will be an epidemic of food comas across the world. A food coma is where you eat so much food that you become physically incapable of movement. Americans suffer from food comas the most. That’s because we have an abundant source of food and are attracted to gluttony. The only cure for a food coma is to rub your belly and complain about having a food coma. Then you digest a little and eat some pumpkin pie. You might wash it down with some coffee. You might even Irish up your coffee if you don’t have to drive. I hope all my readers have a wonderful Thanksgiving and a food coma for the ages. Thanks for checking out CriticallyRated.com.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 21, 2014 · 9:04 pm

Oyster Crackers

Oyster crackers are little saltine crackers. They are usually hexagonal in shape. What’s so great about little hexagonal-shaped saltine crackers? Well, because they are bomb in soup. Like so bomb. It’s hard to make something like chicken noodle soup on a cold day better, but throwing a handful of oyster crackers in there definitely makes it better. At first the oyster crackers retain their crunch, but as time goes on they start soak up the soup like a saltine sponge. I suppose you could use oyster crackers with other things. Maybe oysters or something. You could eat them plain as a snack, but that would be a boring snack. They go best with soup. The next time you’re getting cans of Campbell’s, grab some oyster crackers to go with it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 13, 2014 · 12:33 pm

Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts

Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts are peanuts that have been salted and roasted with honey. If you’re going to buy peanuts, you might as well buy Planters. And if you’re buying peanuts from Planters, you might as well get the Honey Roasted ones. They taste the best. You get the delectable combination of sweet and salty with a nice solid crunch. You will get a little residue on your hands, but you can get rid of that with a napkin or wiping your hands on your jeans. Planters is a good brand because their peanuts are consistent. You can tell the difference between Planters and generic brands. Generic brand peanuts are often misshapen or off tasting. Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts are a little more expensive, but it’s worth it for the quality.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 1, 2014 · 9:06 pm

Jack Link’s Sasquatch XXL Hot

Jack Link’s Sasquatch XXL Hot is a spicy snack stick. Jack Link’s also make an Original and a Mild, but I chose the Hot because it’s go big or go home. It’s called XXL because it’s bigger than most other meat sticks like Slim Jim, etc. I don’t know why they call it Sasquatch because there’s no sasquatch in it. It’s 2.2 ounces of beef, mechanically separated chicken, water, salt, corn syrup, spices (they don’t say what kind of spices), dextrose, soy protein isolate (yummy), flavoring (they don’t say what kind of flavoring. Meat flavoring I’m guessing), rice bran, fructose, molasses powder, hydrolyzed corn/soy/wheat protein, paprika extracts, smoke flavor, lactic acid starter culture (what the fuck does that mean?), sodium nitrate, and soy bean oil. Doesn’t that sound appetizing?

I kind of wish that I didn’t read what was in it before I opened it. It looks processed and greasy and it smells how it looks. The thick skin gives it a little crunch and texture and the filling is kind of mushy. The spiciness kicks in a after a few bites and gets more intense after you swallow it. The spiciness lingers for a while too so make sure you have something to drink with it. I actually like it. It goes great with a couple of brews and the game on. Real jerky is always better but sometimes you feel like a processed snack stick.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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