Tag Archives: thanksgiving

Food Coma

Thanksgiving is almost amongst us, and that means that there will be an epidemic of food comas across the world. A food coma is where you eat so much food that you become physically incapable of movement. Americans suffer from food comas the most. That’s because we have an abundant source of food and are attracted to gluttony. The only cure for a food coma is to rub your belly and complain about having a food coma. Then you digest a little and eat some pumpkin pie. You might wash it down with some coffee. You might even Irish up your coffee if you don’t have to drive. I hope all my readers have a wonderful Thanksgiving and a food coma for the ages. Thanks for checking out CriticallyRated.com.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Orphan Thanksgiving

An Orphan Thanksgiving is a thanksgiving without family. It’s not as sad as it sounds. It’s when you celebrate Thanksgiving with friends rather than family. It’s either out of choice or necessity, but it’s never a bad thing. In fact, it’s often more fun than spending the holiday with family. Quality time with family is good, but it’s less responsibility and less hassle dealing with friends. And your family feels obligated to take you in, so you feel more included when someone goes out of their way to invite you to a holiday meal. Family is important, but friendship is too. You get to choose your friends; you don’t get to choose your family. (Don’t get me wrong, I love my family but I love my friends too, and friends deserve a holiday of their own!)

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Vanishing Art of Home Cooking

The holidays are coming up, a time where fat Americans get even fatter from all the feasts. That’s when moms and grandmas bust out their greatest family recipes that have been handed down for generations. Your great-grandma learned how to cook from her mom and she passed it on to your grandma. Your grandma passed it onto your mom. And your mom passed it on to nobody, because nobody in our generation knows how to cook anymore. That’s a bit of an overstatement: I know a lot of good cooks my age, I’m only being dramatic to emphasize my point, and my point is that home cooking is becoming a lost art. Most American men under the age of thirty-five only know how to grill. If it doesn’t involve fire, they aren’t interested. Most American women under the age of thirty-five can cook a few dishes, but they don’t have the same culinary prowess as their mothers or grandmothers. That’s not sexist, that’s a fact. My friend Jayde told me that, and she’s a girl, so I know it’s not sexist. Just ask Jayde. She’ll tell you. She’s the one who told me to write about this, so I know she has my back. Enjoy Thanksgiving while you can because it might go extinct.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leftovers

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and hopefully your refrigerator is stocked with leftovers. Leftovers are the extra food that you still have at the end of a meal. You put them in Ziploc baggies, Tupperware, a to-go box, or in tin foil and stick it in the fridge. You pop it into the microwave and nuke it whenever you need a quick snack or bite to eat. A lot of college kids rely on leftovers to get from Thanksgiving to Christmas break without starving. Some food is more perishable than others. I wouldn’t recommend taking home fish or other types of seafood. Nachos get all soggy when you try to reheat it. Chinese food and pizza make the best leftovers. You don’t even need to heat up the pizza if you’re feeling lazy. A lot of leftovers stay in the fridge too long. They get moldy and inedible and you have to throw it out. That about sums up what is wrong with Americans: we get more food than we can possibly eat, and then we hoard it and hide it until we have to throw it away. But leftovers are a tradition, and you can’t leave Thanksgiving dinner without a slice of pie.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving (or Turkey Day as it’s known on Facebook) is a day for Americans to sit around a table with family and friends and get even fatter. Americans already have more food each day than half the world, but Thanksgiving really lets us show off our gluttony. The average Thanksgiving feast is pretty extravagant: turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, rolls, some sort of salad, cranberries, pumpkin pie, wine for the adults, sparkling cider for the kids, and leftovers for days. There are starving kids in China and we complain about being in a food coma.

Pretending to be thankful is the way that we justify eating a week’s worth of food during one meal. You hold hands and give thanks for the food, for another year together, for a roof over your head, for a new Star Wars trilogy. You’re not really grateful. You take that shit for granted. But that’s ok. We’re Americans. We are supposed to be assholes. That’s why the world hates us. It doesn’t matter though, the turkey tastes delicious.

Thanksgiving is one of the last real holidays. The candy companies and greeting card companies haven’t found a way to exploit it yet. I’m actually thankful for that. Despite my cynicism, Thanksgiving is usually one of my favorite Thursdays of the year.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Thursdays

Thursdays can be really antsy days. The weekend is so close that Thursdays can drag on forever, especially if the next Friday is payday. Thursday nights are the only night of the week where it is acceptable to watch NBC programming. They are also ideal nights for catching up on what’s on the DVR. If you want to get drunk, hammered, shitfaced, or any combination of those, go ahead and drink. It is acceptable because it is Thirsty Thursday and it is your duty as an American to honor these pseudo-holidays. Thursday is also when I have to bring in the garbage and recycling bins, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go do that now.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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