Tag Archives: cereal

Cereal is a Soup

A lot of my stories start out like this but I was at the bar the other day, only this time I was having a serious discussion about the classification of cereal with my friend. I said that cereal is a soup. He disagreed. I rattled off a few of my points: it’s mostly liquid, it’s served in a bowl, and you generally eat it with a spoon. He said it can’t be a soup because it’s cold. Being the Simpsons fan that I am, I told him that gazpacho is a tomato soup served ice cold. I looked up cereal on Wikipedia and it defines cereal as a food made from processed grains, served either hot or cold, and generally eaten as the first meal of the day. I propose that cereal is a breakfast soup. I think that’s a logical conclusion.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Toy in the Cereal Box

One of the best things about childhood was getting a toy in the cereal box. I grew up with three siblings and breakfast time would sometime erupt into a war over who got the toy. It was always a shitty toy made of cheap plastic and it was never something worth paying money for. But it was free and it was there and I wanted it. Actually, I didn’t really want it, I just didn’t want my sister to have it. And she didn’t want me to have it. So we would fight over it until we would get sent to our rooms. The winner was the lucky one who ended up with the toy. That toy became so much more than a toy if you emerged victorious. It became a trophy. It was something that you earned. You would flaunt it around and taunt your siblings with it for a couple of days until the excitement died down. Then a few days after that we would get a new box of cereal and the battle would begin anew. I used to have a whole collection of cereal box toys. I wonder what happened to them. I hope my sister didn’t find them, that fucking cunt.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Star Wars Episode II Cereal

Star Wars Episode II Cereal was a promotional cereal released by General Mills. It’s probably my favorite cereal of all time, and I only had it for a few glorious weeks before it vanished from store shelves. It was sweetened corn puffs with marshmallows shaped like clone troopers, little Yodas, space ships, little R2-D2s, and lightsabers… it was basically Kix with marshmallows. And it was Star Wars related, which makes it exponentially better. It was so good that they rehashed it for Episode III. The only difference is that the Episode III Cereal included R2-D2, C-3PO, and lightsaber-shaped marshmallows. I remember going into a Big Lots in December of 2002 and seeing a whole aisle of discounted boxes of Episode II Cereal for 99¢ each. I bought fifty boxes and finished my Christmas shopping at the same time. I wish there was a way of knowing you’re in the good old days before you left them. I miss that cereal.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Opening the Cereal Box Upside Down

It’s too early and you’re too tired to make breakfast so you settle for some cereal. You shuffle over to the cabinet and grab the box of cereal you bought the day before. You groggily open it up and pour your flakes into a bowl, add a little milk, and start eating. The next day you wake up too early again, grab the box of cereal and notice that you opened it upside down. It’s not a huge deal but you are stuck with an upside down box of cereal for the next week. You have to tilt your head to read the nutrition facts, you can’t play any of the kid’s games on the back, and you are judged by anyone who sees your upside down box of cereal. They should make cereal boxes like playing cards so it doesn’t matter which end is up. You just have to make sure you don’t open up both ends because you will get cereal all over the floor.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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