Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

October 27, 2012 · 9:07 am

A Damp Towel

You get out of the shower or the pool and it’s time to dry off. You reach for a towel and are dismayed when you find it’s still slightly wet. Fuck. A damp towel is damn near useless. You use towels to dry off. You associate them with feeling warm, dry, and comfortable. A damp towel might still absorb some moisture but it’s not going to cut it. And it feels weird on your skin, like your cousin putting a hand on your knee. It’s just not right.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 26, 2012 · 10:18 am

Bandwagon Fans

The baseball season is long. 162 games from April to September and it’s even longer with the preseason and postseason. So if you suddenly declare your passion for the Giants in the middle of October, most people will assume you are full of shit. Because you are. Fans are supposed to be loyal to a team. Look at Cubs fans. They follow a team that has been cursed to lose forever. It doesn’t matter if your team is good or bad. They are your team. You cherish the wins and great plays and you grumble about losses and stupid errors. You enjoy the cast of characters that take the field; you hear their stories and feel like you know them. They are your team, they represent you, and you represent them.

            It’s exciting to get to the postseason. Teams compete to win and getting to the postseason is a huge accomplishment. But then the bandwagon fans see the excitement and try to get in on the fun. Bandwagon fans are parasites that smell the glory of a World Series and latch on to loyal fans. They rely on camouflage to blend in. It might be hard to distinguish a loyal fan from a bandwagon fan at a glance. Both will be wearing team colors and cheering loudly. But the bandwagon fan has a brand new hat and the receipt for it in his pocket. The real fan’s hat is slightly faded from the many seasons that he’s worn it.  A real fan starts cheering when something good happens. A bandwagon fan starts cheering when everyone else starts cheering, usually with a slight delay and without knowing why.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 25, 2012 · 10:24 am

Lying in Bed While It’s Raining Outside

It is raining cats and dogs outside but you’re as snug as a bug in bed. Lying in bed while it’s raining outside is one of the great simple pleasures in life. You’re warm and relaxed and enjoying the soothing pitter-patter as the raindrops splash down. You know that the world outside your window is getting drenched while you remain completely dry and completely comfortable. Life is good on those wet mornings when you have no reason to get out of bed.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 24, 2012 · 9:48 am

A Hole In Your Sock

Few things make you look like a hobo more than having your big toe sticking out of a hole in your sock. Rocking a hole in your sock makes you seem like you’ve given up all hope on life. It makes it seem like you don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. It’s a fucking sock with a fucking hole. Throw that shit away. You should have a whole drawer full of adequate replacements. Even if you don’t, you can get a six-pack of socks for less than a six-pack of beer (it depends on the quality of the socks and beer). I know you have some sentimental attachment to your precious sock, that you feel you earned that hole, but you gotta know when to let things go.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 24, 2012 · 9:45 am

Don’t Say “Frisco”

Cool, you are going to San Francisco. It’s an awesome city, one of the best in the world. You will have a great time. Just don’t say “Frisco.” You will look like a tourist. You shouldn’t even say “San Fran.” It’s San Francisco. If that’s too much of a mouthful, “The City” is an adequate nickname. Other cities claim to be called “The City,” but they are lying and we hate liars. If you look up “The City” on Wikipedia (the most reliable website on the planet) the only other city with that nickname is the City of London. There’s your fun Wiki fact for the day. Use it wisely to win a bar bet. And don’t say “Frisco.”

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 23, 2012 · 9:29 am

Using the Bathroom After Someone Takes a Shit

You drank a little bit too much water earlier and your bladder is demanding your attention, so you run down the hall to the bathroom but the door is locked. Now you have wait and as you’re doing your don’t-pee dance you start to realize that whoever is in the bathroom has been in there too long for it to be number one. You know you’re fucked when the door finally opens and the culprit shuffles out and makes eye contact with a sheepish grin. As soon as you go in, the stench wraps around you like a moldy blanket. You try to hold your breath and using your shirt as a filter, but nothing helps. Damn it, why are bathrooms so small? I know that people take shits in bathrooms, that’s why we have them. Using the bathroom after someone takes a shit is like farting in a bag and holding it over your head. You just can’t escape the stink.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2012 · 9:37 am

Not Setting Your Alarm But Still Waking Up On Time

It’s late and you’re tired. It’s a miracle you even made it home. You somehow find your bed and fall in, closing your eyes and immediately are asleep. You wake up a few hours later. It’s a few minutes before you have to wake up, and it’s a good thing you came to when you did, because you forgot to set your alarm, you forgot to plug in your phone, and you would have been fucked. But you’re not. Not setting your alarm but still waking up on time means that your muscle memory is more dependable than your mental memory. Your brain will screw you over, but your body won’t let that happen.

Critically Rated at15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 20, 2012 · 1:04 am

A Penny on the Ground

You’re strolling down the sidewalk when you see a glint of light reflecting off a shiny copper coin. It’s a penny. One whole cent. But it’s calling you and you have a decision to make: you can either walk by and ignore it, or you can pick it up. It’s a tough choice. People will see you stop to pick up a penny and they will wonder how cheap you are. But grandpa always said a penny saved is a penny earned and that coin could change your life. I usually let fate decide. I’ll pick it up if it’s heads and leave it if it’s tails.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 19, 2012 · 10:20 am

Peeing in a Bottle

Ladies, please don’t judge this post. You will never know the simple joy of peeing in a bottle. You can try it, but it might spray so be careful. Peeing in a bottle is not something that you should make a habit of. You do it in emergencies, like when you’re stuck in traffic or someone refuses to get out of the bathroom. I prefer to pee outside, either on a tree or in the snow, but I have no qualms about peeing in a bottle. You just gotta make sure that you don’t lose your grip or overflow the bottle. Drunk pisses can last a long time, and hopefully you’re drunk if you’re peeing into a bottle.

I’m not advocating pissing into bottles. But sometimes toilets get boring and you need to shake things up a bit.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 18, 2012 · 9:44 am

Fall Foliage

One of the best parts about autumn is seeing the leaves change color. Not only is fall foliage an amazing sight, it’s also fun to say. Not everyone can say it right. It’s always fun to be able to point a finger and laugh at someone’s stupidity. Some people are really into fall foliage; it’s almost like a fetish. They will go on vacation and drive hundreds of miles out of the city to look at leaves. They take lots of pictures and they comment to each other about how beautiful the leaves are. They are fucking leaves. Humans are weird animals.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 16, 2012 · 9:18 am

Muttering Under Your Breath

Muttering under your breath is a great way to insult someone without getting in trouble. It’s a great option for kids who want to talk back to their parents without getting grounded or for telling your boss off without losing your job. Once you master muttering under your breath, you can get the last word in any argument, thereby winning the argument.

            The most important thing about muttering under your breath is to make sure that you’re loud enough so that the people around you can hear what you said and realize how clever you are, but you can’t be too loud or the guy you’re insulting will punch you in the mouth. It’s a fine line. Experiment with your muttering and what you mutter until you find what works for you. Practice makes perfect.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 15, 2012 · 10:13 am

The Yankees

The New York Yankees have won the World Series 27 times with forty appearances. That’s more than any other MLB team. The St. Louis Cardinals are a distant second with 11 World Series titles with eighteen appearances. That’s how dominant they are. That’s also why you either love the Yankees or hate the Yankees. You have no choice but to respect them. They are good at baseball and they are good for baseball.

            You expect to get into the playoffs if you’re a Yankees fan. If you are a fan of any other team, it’s a great season if you just make it to the playoffs. And if you advance, that’s even more exciting. Yankees fans consider it a losing season if they don’t win the World Series. The Yankees are the villains of Major League Baseball. So it’s sad if you’re a Yankees fan if they got knocked out, but every other baseball fan is happy. A loss for the Yankees is a win for everybody.

The Yankees are like your older brother who always dominates you at air hockey. After a while you just get frustrated at always getting your ass handed to you. Fuck air hockey and fuck the Yankees.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 14, 2012 · 10:56 am

An iPhone with a Cracked Screen

An iPhone with a cracked screen is like a dead dog on the freeway. It doesn’t matter if it’s not your dog, you still feel sad when you see it. An iPhone is a work of art, it is a sexy piece of technology, and a cracked screen can make it an ugly paperweight. Some people use a cracked screen as an opportunity to upgrade and buy a new phone. Some people use their insurance to get a replacement model. Some people embrace the crack and treat it like it’s a badge of honor. And some people have to borrow their little sister’s old Nokia. Life’s not fair.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 13, 2012 · 9:06 am

American League vs. National League

Major League Baseball is composed of two leagues: the National League and the American League. If you follow baseball, you have to have an opinion on which league is better. But don’t bring it up with casual acquaintances. Your league preference is like bringing up politics or religion at a dinner party. You just don’t do it.

            Both leagues follow the same basic rules. But the American League has the designated hitter. Instead of a pitcher trying to get a hit, you have a player whose sole position on the team is to be a glorified pinch hitter. The pitcher has to hit in the National League. That’s real baseball… nine men vs. nine men.

The end result is that the American League has more hits and more runs. But nothing is as exciting as when a pitcher gets a hit. The National League is real baseball. The American League is Blernsball.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 12, 2012 · 10:05 am

Key Rings

Key rings are little metal circles that hold your keys. It’s a bitch to get keys on and off of them. My fumbling fingers can get the keys on, so I always have to ask someone to do it for me. I’ve seen girls break their nails struggling to get them on and somehow it’s always my fault because it’s my stupid key ring. Once you finally get the key between the loop you have to remember which way is the exit or you’ll end up right where you started. Then you have to ask someone to open the key ring again. Someone else without a broken nail.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 11, 2012 · 9:22 am

Car Alarms

Car alarms suck. There’s no such thing as absolute silence in a city because there’s always at least one car alarm going off somewhere. It’s such a common event that nobody even pays attention anymore. When’s the last time you heard a car alarm and jumped out of your seat and ran to the window to catch a thief in the act?  You just ignore it. Fuck crime fighting.

            Most of the time it’s not even from anyone trying to steal anything, it’s usually a dickhole with a kickass sound system bumping shitty rap. The only time I enjoy car alarms is when I see somebody realize that it’s their car alarm going off. They get that Oh-Shit-I’m-A-Douchebag look on their face as they grab their keys and run outside to stop the mayhem.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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October 9, 2012 · 8:59 am

Kirkland Signature

Kirkland Signature is Costco’s store brand. They make everything from batteries to cheese to socks. They even have craft beer now too. I imagine that the Kirkland Signature factory is like Willy Wonka’s but with less candy and more business-minded Oompa-Loompas. How else could they make such diverse products with that much quality? Only with magical slaves like Oompa-Loompas or possibly House-elves.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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