Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

December 25, 2012 · 2:15 am

Christmas

It’s Christmas day, the pinnacle of the Holiday season. Everyday since Halloween has building up for this 24-hour period of food, gifts, and family fights. Hanukah and Kwanzaa are ok, but everyone knows that Christmas is the star of the show. It’s the fake birthday of our favorite bastard. And since he’s not around anymore, we get to open his presents for him. There are a lot of traditions and customs around the world. Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle and St. Nick are a bunch of creepy old men that give goodies to little kids in the middle of the night. People used to take living trees and display them inside. They gradually decided that it was weird, so they started using fake plastic trees instead. People stand around in groups in the freezing cold, loudly singing songs about silent nights.

Christmas is overhyped. It’s lost all value as a holiday. It’s the poster child for consumerism and gluttony, but masked with bright lights and fake snow to make it presentable. It’s still a great day to spend with friends and family, but the magic of the holiday has been slowly draining away ever since you found out that Santa’s not real, he’s just a mascot for the Coca-Cola Company. But everything is full of shit when you analyze it, and Christmas is still my favorite holiday.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as christmas, coca cola company, fake plastic trees, father christmas, holiday, holidays, jesus, kris kringle, presents, santa claus, st. nick, traditions and customs

December 24, 2012 · 10:58 am

Liking Your Own Status

Liking your own status is presumptuous. It’s not proper netiquette. If your status is worthy of being Liked, then someone will Like it. You don’t need to click the Like Button yourself to get it started. That’s what bums do. A panhandler will put a dollar in his cup, because it breaks the seal and other people will be more likely to give a donation. Liking your own status is like putting a dollar in your cup. It also makes you seem full of yourself. Remember the story of Narcissus? He was so full of himself that he fell in love with his reflection. He couldn’t stop looking at himself and he wasted away and died. If he were alive today, he would be Liking his own Facebook status. That’s what narcissists do.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as facebook, like button, liking your own status, narcissus, status

December 24, 2012 · 10:54 am

Oven Mitts

Sometimes you need to take hot things out of the oven. You should use oven mitts for that. Some people call them oven gloves, even though they are more like mittens than gloves. They should be called oven mittens because they look like giant mittens that you use for taking hot things out of the oven. No matter what you call them, there’s no denying their practicality. And they can be quite fashionable. Just look at all the stock photos of moms cooking with aprons and oven mitts in the backyard. Oven mitts are a vital yet underrated feature of a stocked kitchen.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cooking, gloves, kitchen, mitt, mittens, oven, oven gloves, oven mitt, oven mitts

December 23, 2012 · 10:53 am

My Dental Abscess

I am fortunate enough to be suffering from a dental abscess right now. That means that I look like a fucking chipmunk, but my cheek is bulging with pus and blood as opposed to acorns. I spent a few days wearing hoodies and hoping that it would go away. It didn’t. It got bigger and more obvious. It looked like I got in a fight and lost. I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I took the day off and went to the Emergency Room. Fuck Disneyland, the Emergency Room is the happiest place on Earth. It’s full of sick, hurt and suffering people and the wait time is longer than the DMV.

My name was finally called and they took me into a small room and gave me an IV, some antibiotics and some morphine. I really liked the morphine. They left me alone for 45 minutes as the IV did its thing and I watched a movie on my iPhone. Then the doctor put a small slit in my mouth and started to squeeze the abscess like it was a glorified pimple. The nurse had a little clear vacuum that she used to suck up an obscene amount of pus and blood. It’s amazing how disgusting the human body can be. The procedure was pretty painless. The only downside is that I can’t drink alcohol for a few days. That hurts more than the abscess.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as abscess, blood, dental abscess, doctor, emergency room, nurse, pimple, pop, pus

December 22, 2012 · 9:35 am

Ugly Christmas Sweaters

People have been receiving ugly Christmas sweaters from their grandmas for years. They were gaudy, tacky, horrible looking things that you luckily only had to wear once before you could hide it in the back of your closet. But somewhere along the way some enterprising party animal decided that an ugly Christmas sweater should be something to embrace instead of embarrassed of. Not much is known about the first ugly Christmas sweater party, except that there was eggnog, fruitcake, and a sexy incident involving mistletoe and reindeer antlers. The party was a rousing success, and ugly Christmas sweater parties soon became a staple of the holiday season. There’s food and drinks and everyone looks terrible. It’s good times. If you have to borrow an ugly sweater from someone, I would advise you to tell them that it’s just a regular Christmas sweater party.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as christmas, gaudy, holidays, sweater, tacky, ugly, ugly christmas sweater, ugly christmas sweater party, ugly christmas sweaters

December 22, 2012 · 9:30 am

Leaving Your Umbrella Open When It’s Not Raining

It’s sprinkling off and on and the sidewalks are filled with pedestrians with umbrellas. If you’re a normal person, you open your umbrella when it’s actively raining and then you close it when the drops stop falling. But some people don’t do that. They leave their umbrella open and over their head even though it’s stopped raining. There’s no reason for leaving your umbrella open when it’s not raining. You’re obviously not paying attention to the world around you. And you’re taking up space. You’re really just failing at life on all sorts of levels now. It’s not enough to make people hate you, but they lose respect for you instantly.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as leaving your umbrella open when its not raining, rain, sprinkling, umbrella, weather

December 21, 2012 · 11:06 am

It’s the End of the World!

So today is the end of the world and I’m feeling pretty ok with it. I had a good run. It’s the Mayan Apocalypse, Judgment Day, Doomsday… and any second now the world is going to fall apart so I hope you’re reading this quickly. I think that we are all pretty lucky to get to experience another apocalypse. We survived 9/9/99 Y2K, 6/6/06, and several family Thanksgivings. Those were just practice apocalypses. This is the real one. I know it is. I didn’t even bother putting on pants today. If I’m going out, I’m going out comfortable.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as doomsday, end of the world, judgment day, mayan apocalypse, rapture, y2k

December 21, 2012 · 11:04 am

Talking to your Ex

Talking to your ex is usually a slippery slope. They are your ex for a reason. You obviously aren’t supposed to be together. But it’s almost impossible to shut out somebody who once meant the world to you. You miss your ex. You want to talk to your ex. And the more drunk and lonely you are, the more likely you are to call or text them. Drunk dialing is bad enough, but drunk dialing your ex is the lowest you can sink. Nothing good can come out of that conversation. Wait until you are sober if you absolutely have to talk to your ex. Keep the conversation light and keep it moving. And try to keep your tears and desperate pleas for affection to a minimum. It’s not very becoming.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as bad, break up, broke up, drunk dialing, ex, relationship, talking to your ex

December 20, 2012 · 9:57 am

Misusing the Like Button

A lot of people don’t know how to use the Like button on Facebook. Some people seem use it as confirmation that they have seen your post instead of actually liking the content. For example, you’ll post about how you’re sad because your dog died and five people will like your status. What exactly do they like? The fact that you’re sad or that your dog is dead? Sometimes you’ll say something like, “Feeling trapped and want to get out of the city for a few hours. Anyone want to go on a day trip?” You’ll get a notification and think that you have a partner in crime, but it’s just some douche that clicked the Like button for no reason. You asked a question and didn’t get a response, but apparently your question is likable, so that’s nice. The Like button should only be used if you actually like what you’re Liking, otherwise you’ll seem insensitive or stupid.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as comment, facebook, like, like button, misusing the like button, post

December 19, 2012 · 8:53 am

Triple Pat

Before you leave the house, it’s vital to perform the triple pat. You pat down your three pockets to ensure that you have your keys, phone, and wallet. Your night will be ruined without any of those essentials. You can’t buy or do anything without money or credit cards. You can’t call any friends or Instagram your cocktail without your phone. And you’re locked out if you forget your keys, and that’s a shitty way to end the night. Make it a habit to do the triple pat and you’ll go far in life.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as essentials, keys, phone, triple pat, wallet

December 18, 2012 · 9:52 am

Seeing Your Breath

On really cold days you can see your breath when you exhale. It’s nature’s way of telling you to put on a jacket. When you were a kid you would pretend like you were smoking a cigarette when you saw your breath. Now you want to get coffee or hot chocolate when you see it. That’s how you know you’re growing up and maturing. There’s something poetic about being bundled up, completely warm and snug, and seeing your breath without feeling the cold. You have to appreciate the little things in life.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cold, freezing, seeing your breath, winter

December 17, 2012 · 11:19 am

Aglets

Aglets are everywhere. There are hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions all around you right now. There are dozens in and around your home. You probably even have some on you right now. Don’t worry, I’m just building up suspense. Aglets are the plastic or metal tips on the ends of your shoelaces. They are practical: they keep the shoelace from unraveling, they make it easier to lace up your shoes, and you can use it to pack down the weed in a joint. That’s some MacGyver-style ingenuity right there. Aglets are everywhere, yet nobody mentions them. I’m going to start complimenting strangers for fashionable aglets. They’ve been underappreciated for way too long.

Critically Rated 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as aglet, aglets, metal, plastic, shoelace, shoelaces, shoes, tip

December 17, 2012 · 11:17 am

iPhone Charger

iPhones are pretty commonplace these days. It seems like every other guy and every other guy’s mom has one. And I’ve noticed that there seems to be a lack of iPhone chargers for the amount of iPhones in use. I love my iPhone, but my battery dies faster than playing Contra without cheats. Having an iPhone used to make you cool. Now the most popular person in the room is whoever brings a spare charger. Everyone will be complimenting them, laughing loudly at their lame jokes, offering sexual favors… anything to get a charge.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as battery, charger, iphone, iphone charger

December 16, 2012 · 11:09 am

Sandy Hook

I didn’t want to write about this. I wanted to write about something funny, something happy. But this is not a happy time in America. It’s almost commonplace for a school shooting to happen every few months. I doubt this one would have made such an impact if it weren’t for the victims being so young. The shooter (I won’t mention that’s scum’s name, he doesn’t deserve it) primarily went after kindergarteners. I know he had mommy issues, but how does killing six-year-olds solve anything? What did they ever do? Did they have the audacity to have their whole lives ahead of them?

There are waves of victims in any massacre. You have the ones that get killed, paralyzed, scarred for life. You have the ones who escaped with psychological damage, wondering if it will happen again every time they go out in public places, asking why they survived when others didn’t. You have the families and friends who will never get to see their loved ones again, hating themselves for not getting the chance to say a real goodbye. And you have the rest of the general public, quietly grieving, secretly relieved that it happened somewhere else and not to them. But everybody is asking “WHY!?!”

Maybe there is no why. Maybe there is no because. But good things always come out of a tragedy. You find out what really matters, what you really care about. I just wish we didn’t have to pay the price to be reminded so often. Life is unpredictable; you have to take it as it comes. Tell the people you care about that you care about them. Tell your family you love them. Tell your friends that you’re friends for a reason. Enjoy all your laughs. Cherish every kiss. And always say goodbye.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Edited, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as sandy hook, school shooting, tragedy

December 16, 2012 · 11:06 am

Someone Else’s Alarm Clock

The only thing more annoying than hearing your alarm clock going off is hearing someone else’s alarm clock going off. Now you’re awake when you could have been sleeping for six and a half more minutes. Your day is all downhill from here. The universal law about other people’s alarm clocks is that they never seem to hear them. They just keep hitting snooze so their alarm keeps going off. And it keeps waking you up while they keep on sleeping. What’s the point of setting your alarm if you constantly ignore it? You shouldn’t use an alarm clock if it doesn’t wake you up. You’re wasting electricity and making enemies.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as alarm, alarm clock, sleep, snooze, someone else's alarm clock

December 15, 2012 · 11:15 am

Being Crunched for Time

I hate being late. I hate knowing that I’m going to be late. It seems like the whole world decides to relax and take it easy when I’m late. Like the universe is trying to slow me down even more. Being crunched for time means everything starts to go wrong. You get stuck behind an old lady driving. A family with way too many kids is blocking the sidewalk. The line at Starbucks is out the door and the guy in front of you doesn’t know what a Venti is. It’s enough to make you lash out and slap a stranger. Instead you bite your tongue and remember that patience is a fucking virtue. But you’re still going to be late.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as being crunched for time, crunched, early, late, slow, time