Tag Archives: plastic

Plastic Drinking Straw Ban

Attention fellow residents of San Francisco: the plastic drinking straw ban officially comes into effect in July. I can’t wait. I’ve been serving and bartending for over a decade and can attest to how wasteful they are. People are weird about straws when they go out. They want them served with every soda and cocktail they order. They expect them. They demand them. It doesn’t matter that they don’t use straws at home, as soon as they leave the house they want all the straws they can get.

I’m in public. I can’t tilt the glass and take a sip. That’s barbaric. I need a plastic tube that I can throw away after one use. Fuck you, turtle. I hope it gets stuck in your nose and you die a slow, painful, and entirely unnecessary death. “Barkeep, another straw! And keep them coming!”

Americans are addicted to making trash. Banning plastic straws is a good thing. Let’s ban the Kardashians next.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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CORE Hydration Caps

CORE Hydration is a fancy brand of functional or enhanced bottled water. It’s basically overpriced water with added electrolytes. The bottle is easily distinguished by its big blue cap. The cap is way bigger than it needs to be. You could easily use it as a makeshift bowl for a dog on a hike or at the beach. The big blue cap is totally unnecessary. If you crack it open there is a regular bottled water cap underneath. CORE more than doubles the amount of plastic that it needs to just stand out on the shelf. Bottled water is already a scam and terrible for the environment. CORE Hydration takes it to a new level. I’m beginning the boycott. Say no to CORE!

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cutting Six-Pack Holders

I drink beer but I care about the environment. That means I take the time to cut plastic six-pack holders. I don’t want any fishes or small animals to get caught in one. They shouldn’t suffer because I had a cold one. Cutting six-pack holders is a quick and easy way to make Captain Planet proud. It’s up to all of us to save the world. And it’s a lot easier to cut plastic six-pack holders than it is to stop drinking. I did my part. Hope you did the same.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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That Last Bit of Deodorant

I wear deodorant because it smells good and sweat does not. I prefer Old Spice. I get the sticks and stay away from the gels. The gel is too mushy and squishy and takes a little longer to set in. Deodorant sticks go on smoother and seem to last longer. The only problem is when you get down to that last bit of deodorant, when the plastic starts to poke through and scrape your armpits when you apply it. You know that it’s time to go to the store and get more deodorant, but you’re too lazy so you fight through the pain and use it for as long as there are traces of the stick still remaining. Put off today what you can do tomorrow. Nobody is judging you.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Microbeads

Microbeads are the tiny little beads that you find in various skin care products, mostly in facial scrubs. They are used to help exfoliate your skin and to clear your pores. They might make your skin look better but they are hell on the environment because they are made of plastic. Each time you wash your face you’re unleashing hundreds of plastic balls upon the world. And if you paid attention in science class, you might recall that plastic takes thousands of years to decompose. Your skin might look clean, but you’re ruining the planet. There are high concentrations of plastic in US lakes and microbeads compose up to 90% of those plastics. It’s to the point where the cosmetic industry has acknowledged that microbeads are a huge mistake and they’ve pledged to stop using them by 2019. We will see if that happens. People care about the planet, but they are way more concerned with their personal appearance. Who cares about pollution as long as you look good?

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Your Favorite Cup

I have a favorite cup. It’s a plastic souvenir cup that my friend got for me from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I pretty much use it every single day. I’m even using it right now. I wash it and rinse it out everyday, but it never goes into the cupboard. It lives in my room on the table so my roommates can’t steal it and use it. One time my friend used it without asking me. I had to use another cup, and it made my drink taste weird. I’m not against other cups, I just prefer my Harry Potter one. Plus I don’t have a dishwasher so I try to keep my dish use down to a minimum. The less shit I use, the less shit I have to clean up. But even if I had a dishwasher, I’d probably still use the same cup everyday anyway. Things taste better out of your favorite cup, even if it’s just psychosomatic. I don’t know how a plastic drinking vessel can have so much sentimental value, but it does. I know that I’m crazy, but it’s way more interesting than being normal. Cheers to that with my Harry Potter cup.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Aglets

Aglets are everywhere. There are hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions all around you right now. There are dozens in and around your home. You probably even have some on you right now. Don’t worry, I’m just building up suspense. Aglets are the plastic or metal tips on the ends of your shoelaces. They are practical: they keep the shoelace from unraveling, they make it easier to lace up your shoes, and you can use it to pack down the weed in a joint. That’s some MacGyver-style ingenuity right there. Aglets are everywhere, yet nobody mentions them. I’m going to start complimenting strangers for fashionable aglets. They’ve been underappreciated for way too long.

Critically Rated 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Kid’s Cup

A kid’s cup is a cup for a child or clumsy teenager. They are typically plastic with bright, colorful displays and a plastic lid with a straw to prevent spills. It’s one step up from a sippy-cup. They are fun when you’re little, but you start getting offended when you’ve hit double digits and you’re still getting a kid’s cup. You want the real thing. You want a glass or at least a cup without a lid. You’ve earned the right to spill on yourself, damn it.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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