Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

Squeaky Shoes

You’re getting ready to go out and you’re throwing together an outfit, and you bust out a pair of shoes that were buried in the back of your closet. They look clean, they fit perfectly, and you can’t remember why you stashed them away. You put them on and they compliment your attire perfectly, so you head out the door for a night on the town. Somewhere in between bars, you’ll notice an odd squeaking sound that’s following you. And you’ll eventually realize that the sound is coming from your feet and that you’re wearing squeaky shoes. That’s why you ditched them in the closet in the first place. Squeaky shoes are embarrassing. Each step is a reminder that your kicks are wrong. You won’t notice the noise at first, but you can’t ignore it once you’ve heard it. There’s not much that you can do with squeaky shoes. You can try tying the laces tighter, you can try wearing thicker socks, or you can try going to louder places where nobody can hear your footwear. But you can never hide from the truth. Your shoes squeak and you are a lesser person because of them.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Clogged Toilet

I woke up this morning and took a nice, leisurely poop. That’s right, I took a shit and I took my time with it. I was in no rush. I sat on the pot and emptied my bowels for a good ten minutes. And then I stood up a few pounds lighter, wiped my ass, and flushed the toilet. And instantly started panicking because the water started to rise. No zombie or movie monster will ever equal the amount of dread that a clogged toilet provides. You start to see the rising muddy poo water reaching the edge of the bowl and you have to fight the instinct to push it down with your bare hands. Plungers are useless when the water starts to rise. All you can do is curse and swear and pray that it doesn’t overflow and create a fecal flood in the bathroom. You’ll be fine as long as the toilet water doesn’t spill over, but your social life can end with one unfortunate flush. So be cautious where and when you defecate, and try to avoid broken and clogged toilets.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Packing Your Bag For A Festival

Last week I went to the Outside Lands festival in San Francisco. It was my fifth time in six years, so I knew what to expect and I came prepared. Packing your bag for a festival is an extremely vital step for an enjoyable weekend. The more supplied you are, the better the festival will be. Start by getting a decent sized backpack with a few different compartments. The biggest compartment is reserved for a beach towel or blanket to mark your spot, and it’s a good idea to throw in an extra jacket or hoodie in case it gets cold. The middle compartment is for food and drinks. And the smallest compartment is for small accessories like hand sanitizer and deodorant. Hand sanitizer goes a long way, especially at outdoor festivals that have a bunch of portapotties but no place to wash your hands. And deodorant is always nice to have, especially after hours of dancing and walking and baking underneath the hot sun. Sometimes I even include a small first aid kit, because you never know when your drunk ass will need a Band-Aid.

The food and drink compartment is the most important. You want to avoid buying food and drinks inside. The lines are too long and the prices are too high. I usually buy a bunch of mini liquor bottles (the kind they serve on planes) and I wrap them up in black socks and drop them in the bottom of the bag. Then I get beef jerky, trail mix, a few granola bars, maybe a sandwich, and some candy and throw those on top of the socked-up liquor bottles. They won’t be able to find your booze if you do it right. If they open your bag, they will just see a bunch of random snacks. Even if they take out the snacks, they won’t spot the liquor because it’s hard to see small black bundles on the bottom of a black bag. I’ll also buy a bottle of vodka and Gatorade and make some Faderade to take in. It looks just like Gatorade, so they probably wont confiscate it. If you make it the night before and stick it in the freezer, you’ll have an ice cold Faderade that will also turn the middle compartment into a cooler. I’ll usually bring in a few bottles of Coke for a caffeine boost and as a chaser for the mini liquor bottles.

If you want to smoke, I suggest that you roll a couple of joints or blunts and put them in a small container to keep them from getting squished or broken. They are easier to light, and it’s more convenient than packing a bowl. And when they start playing your favorite song, you just have to whip it out and spark it and you don’t have to fumble around. Properly packing your bag for a festival will make your weekend better. I spent three days at Outside Lands and didn’t spend a dime on booze or food at any of the vendors. Everything that I needed was in my bag. I was never uncomfortable, I was never hungry, and I was never sober. And I consider that a victory.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Holding Down the Fort

You’re with a group of friends at a concert, or the movies, or at the bar, and you mark your territory. This is your spot, and it’s going to be for the next few hours. Whenever you’re with a group and you lay claim to a place, you have to protect your turf. You always have to leave somebody to hold down the fort. It’s important that you always leave one or two people from your group in your spot so that nobody else takes it over or steals your shit. Holding down the fort allows the people in your group to go to the bathroom, get more drinks, smoke outside, or to meet back up with everyone if they get separated. Everyone should take turns holding down the fort, just like everyone should take turns buying rounds. Holding down the fort is an essential part of hanging out with friends in public places. You can’t have fun if you don’t have a place to chill.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Old Spice Hawkridge Deodorant

Hawkridge is one of the newest scents from Old Spice. It comes in body wash, body spray, and in deodorant form. I got a stick of the anti-perspirant & deodorant, and my arm pits are much nicer to be around now. It smells earthy, musky, and slightly fruity, with hints of cinnamon and vanilla. It reminds me of a fruit bowl that’s been sitting out for a few days… it smells sweet and old at the same time. It’s not as crisp or as sharp as Pure Sport, but it’s a nice alternative and it’s better than switching brands. It also leaves less white residue than most other anti-perspirants. Try it. Or don’t try it. I really don’t care what you do, as long as you put on something to mask your stench.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Staycation

So I haven’t written anything in a few days because I was on my staycation. A staycation is like a vacation in that you get time off from work, you relax, you do fun things, but you get sleep in your own bed at the end of the day. I’m lucky that I live in San Francisco and I was able to spend the last three days drinking and dancing and partying at Outside Lands. Most people don’t have the privilege of a major three-day festival a few blocks from their house, so their staycations involve a lot more yard work and trips to Home Depot. A staycation is a great way to take some time for yourself, to rediscover your sanity, and chill out without having to deal with all the hassles that come with planning a trip out of town. You don’t have to worry about locking the front door or forgetting your toothbrush. You don’t have to worry about transportation. A staycation is the ideal vacation for lazy people. It’s fun, it’s cheap, and you don’t have to think about work.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Fighting for a Barstool

Nobody likes to sit next to a stranger. That’s pretty apparent whenever you go into a bar and sit at the bar top. You don’t sit down right next to a random stranger, because that’s creepy and weird. You always need a buffer chair (an empty chair that separates you from the other barflies). Everyone wants their own space, a personal place to drown their sorrows in peace. But the problem with everyone utilizing the buffer chair system is that when the bar fills up, there’s not enough space for groups to sit together. This could lead to a potential conflict, and alcohol and conflicts aren’t a good mix. You could end up fighting for a barstool. It’s been known to happen. Most of the time it will just be a verbal argument, but that could escalate quickly. I’ve seen people come to blows over a barstool. Drunk people will fight over anything though. Sometimes they even fight over women. Crazy, I know. Fighting for a barstool is pretty lame, but sometimes you have to defend your turf and your honor. Just don’t get carried away, because the buffer seat defense won’t hold up in court.

            Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Power Outage

I was relaxing in my room the other night when the power went out. At first I thought it was a blown fuse, but when my roommate and I investigated it, we discovered that the whole neighborhood was blacked out, save for a few random streetlights scattered every few blocks. I didn’t know what to do, I was caught totally unprepared. My laptop only had 24% battery left and my phone was practically dead. I used my keychain Maglite to find an old, almost depleted, scented candle. I also remembered that I had a few glow sticks in my camping gear, so I grabbed a couple of those and blew out the candle. There was not much to do, and it was too dark to play cards, so my roommate and I went outside to take it all in. All the houses were dark. There were no lights on, there were no glowing television screens or computer monitors, there was no music blasting. It was like we went back in time. We cracked a few brews, smoked a few cigarettes, and just marveled at how quiet it was. It was like something from a dream, or like going back to visit your hometown after a few years… everything is the same, but oddly different. It’s just not right, like a perverted version of reality. But as we took the last few drags from our cigarettes, the power came back online. The streetlights started to flicker and brighten, the windows regained the blue glow from various TV screens, and the twenty-first century reawakened. We tossed our butts away and went back inside, back to electricity, the internet, and the mundane.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Clean Sheets

Every few weeks I will wash my sheets and put fresh ones on my bed. Clean sheets are the shit. It’s a cheap and easy way to get super comfortable. Your bed is already the best spot in the house, and clean sheets make it even better. You just want to lie in bed and embrace the cozy warmth the sheets provide. It’s the ideal time to call it an early night and watch a movie in bed. Clean sheets feel nice. It’s like a new pair of socks, but your whole body gets to feel good, not just your feet. Don’t you want that feeling? Do your laundry right now and you can experience the magic tonight.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Too Many Status Updates

I have a Facebook friend who has way too many status updates every single day. You can change your status once or twice a day, maybe three times if something truly exciting happens. But this fool will update his status every hour or two. It’s almost as if he’s trying to constantly be at the top of my newsfeed. None of his posts are even remotely status worthy. He’s just an attention whore; he lives for likes and comments. But he doesn’t get any, so then he will post something else that’s guaranteed to get a thumbs up (like “I miss the ‘90s”). He doesn’t seem to grasp that nobody is responding to his shit because we all ignore him or have him blocked. Posting too many status updates is both annoying and unnecessary. He is two status updates away from getting permanently deleted. Both from Facebook and in real life.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hijacking Your Roommate’s Alarm Clock

My roommate has a habit of ignoring his alarm clock and repeatedly hitting the snooze button. It’s loud enough to wake me up, and it keeps going off whenever I start to fall back asleep. I used to get mad when it went off, so I would get up and bang on his door. But he never learned his lesson. So now I hijack his alarm clock… instead of waking him up, I will just take over the bathroom. His shit is loud enough to wake me up, but if he doesn’t want to get up then he doesn’t deserve bathroom privileges. I’ll take a leisurely shit, enjoy a nice long shower, I’ll brush my teeth, I’ll shave, I’ll Q-tip my ears, and I will take my time in doing so. It’s better than tossing and turning and trying to get another fifteen minutes of sleep before he turns off his alarm. Hijacking your roommate’s alarm clock might cause some animosity, but it will save your sanity.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Old Spice Wolfthorn Deodorant

Wolfthorn is a new scent from Old Spice. Hopefully you’ve seen the commercials for it, because they are fucking hilarious. The tagline for it says that it’s For Nocturnal Creatures, so I guess it’s good for clubbing or bar hopping. But it has a sunshiny feel to it. It has a really crisp and fruity smell, it reminds me of tropical-flavored bubble gum or candy. But it doesn’t taste as good. I got the Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant version, and I’ve noticed that it leaves less residue than other the other Old Spice anti-perspirants. The less mess, the better. This is a good deodorant. It makes you sweat less, it makes you smell better, and it lasts all day. What more do you want from deodorant? And it has a cool name. When someone asks what you are wearing, you can whisper Wolfthorn… how classy is that?

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Saying the Wrong Thing

Humans are lucky creatures because we have the ability to express our thoughts to other humans. But sometimes shit gets lost in translation and you end up saying the wrong thing. The other night my friend was talking about her childhood and her memories as a four-year-old. I wanted to know how long ago that was, like the year that it was when she was four. But the words got jumbled up on the way from my brain to my tongue, and I ended up asking her “How old were you when you were four?” I didn’t mean to ask her a trick question, and it took a few seconds for what I said to sink in. Saying the wrong thing is like accidently spitting when you talk… you didn’t mean to do it, but it happened and you can’t avoid it. All you can do is suck it up, laugh at yourself, and own up to it. Eventually someone else will say the wrong thing and your gaffe will be forgotten.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Cold Beverage in a Hot Glass

A cold beverage in a hot glass is a bad idea. Any server will tell you that that’s a recipe for a cracked glass. Sometimes the glass is so hot and the drink is so cold, that it shatters in your hand while you take it to the table. Hot plus cold equals cracked glass. That’s why you don’t pour hot water over an iced-over windshield. It will crack the glass. It’s simple physics. Two extreme temperatures can’t coexist on a fragile surface. The fastest way to cool down a glass is to turn it upside and run cold water over it. It chills the glass down pretty quickly most of the time, but it’s not foolproof and you can still end up with a broken glass if you’re not careful. Don’t be an idiot and avoid serving a cold beverage in a hot glass.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wearing Headphones on the Inside of Your Jacket

It seems today like everybody has an iPod or MP3 player or some portable music device. Half the people you see on the street are wearing headphones, and it’s become a fashion statement. And the best way to rock your headphones is wear the headphone on the inside of your jacket. It’s more streamlined and keeps that damned dangling wire from getting tangled up. It won’t get wrapped up around a random object. It won’t get snagged on something and ripped out of the jack. It’s practical and it looks good… what more do you want? Wearing your headphones on the inside of your jacket or hoodie is the only way to go. Get on it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Rude Cashier

There’s a little liquor store a few blocks from my house that’s located directly across the street from my laundromat. I go in there for beer, snacks, and lotto tickets. It’s slightly overpriced, but it’s convenient so I go there a lot. It’s a mom and pop place, privately owned and not at all fancy. But the guy that owns it is a dick. I hate when he’s running the register because he’s always playing games on his phone or laptop, and he’ll ignore me until he finishes his round. He won’t look up from his game or even bother to grunt a greeting. I go into his store a few times a week, I’ve spent thousands of dollars there over the past few years, and I know that he recognizes me because he doesn’t card me when I buy booze. But he still ignores me whenever I try to pay. This place is too convenient for me to stop going to it. So I came up with a new technique for dealing with him: I place my items on the counter and slowly count to thirty. If he hasn’t started ringing them up within thirty seconds, I will leave them on the counter and walk out. If he doesn’t want my business, he won’t get my business, and now he has to put my shit away. It might seem a little harsh, but I think it’s perfectly called for. Thirty seconds is a long time. The next time someone says hi to you, ignore them for thirty seconds before you suddenly acknowledge their existence, and notice how long and uncomfortable that silence is. Sometimes the only way to deal with a rude cashier is to be an asshole yourself.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Something Sticky on Your Elbow

You’re doing chores around the house: sweeping, dusting, and generally cleaning up your living area. At some point you realize that you have something sticky on your elbow and you’re not quite sure what it is, where it came from, or how it got on your elbow in the first place. All you know is that it suddenly showed up and now nobody wants to touch your weenus. It’s the mystery factor that makes it more disturbing. It could be one of a million different things. It could be placenta or barbeque sauce or animal semen. And it’s on your elbow. All you can do is wash it off and pretend like it didn’t happen. Nobody wants a sticky elbow.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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