Tag Archives: beer bottle

Telescoping Your Beer

You’re chilling at a barbeque, sipping on a beer, and you notice that the bottle feels a little bit light. That’s when you have to telescope it. Telescoping your beer is when you pick up a beer bottle, tilt it, and look down the neck to see how much precious booze you have left. It looks like you’re looking into a telescope, when all you’re really trying to do is figure out if you have to get another beer or not. Here’s a tip for you: if you’re wondering if you need to get another beer, you probably do. Or maybe you should just quit drinking. But it’s easier to get another beer.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Photo on 5-26-14 at 10.00 AM #2

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Filtering a Beer

I had to filter a beer the other night. By filtering a beer, I mean that the bottleneck broke when I was trying to open it and pieces of glass fell inside the bottle. I’ve never had that happen before. I drink beer all the time. I’m pretty good at opening bottles. At least I thought I was. Anyway, I tried to open a beer, failed, and small shards of glass got into the beer. It was a Hop Stoopid from Lagunitas, so I didn’t want to waste it. This was a real beer, not a fucking Budweiser. I made a makeshift filter out of paper towels. I would have used a coffee filter, but I don’t have any in the house right now. I placed a paper towel over a big beer mug and slowly poured the beer into the paper towel. It formed a shallow puddle that slowly dripped and drained its way through the paper towel into the mug. I replaced the paper towel every few minutes. Yes, this took more than a few minutes. It probably took about ten to fifteen minutes and four paper towels to filter the 22 ounces of liquid gold. It took a while but it worked and I didn’t have to worry about swallowing glass and shredding my stomach lining. I don’t mind wasting time, but I’ll never waste beer.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bottle Openers

You have a bottle of beer that you want to consume. You can either smash the bottle or pop the cap. I suggest the latter. The best way to open the bottle is to use a bottle opener. You just apply it to the cap and pop it off with a little bit of leverage. There are a variety of ways to open a bottle without a bottle opener. You can use a lighter, another beer bottle, a countertop, your teeth (good luck), or a million other ways. Consult the Internet for those options: this article is about bottle openers. They are designed to open bottles. That’s all they are supposed to do and they do it better than anything else. No household or alcoholic is complete without one. I have three.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bottle Caps

Bottle caps are caps for bottles, in case you didn’t know or are an idiot. This post is about the metal bottle caps for glass bottles, and not those stupid plastic caps for plastic bottles. There’s something charming about bottle caps. There are an endless variety of brands and colors. A lot of people collect them. It’s an easy hobby: you just drink a beer or soda and thrown the cap into your collection. I collect my beer bottle caps. It’s like keeping ticket stubs. I know which beer brands I’ve consumed and there’s the added bonus of knowing how much damage I’ve done to my liver. And it’s a lot.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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