Tag Archives: sneezing

Sneeze Emphasizer

There’s a guy that I worked with that I really respected. He seemed very professional yet personal. Friendly personality, responsible, reliable, smart but not arrogant… basically a coworker you actually want to work with. I respected him because I thought he was well kept and had everything together. And then I heard him sneeze and realized the sad truth. He is a sneeze emphasizer.

He can’t just sneeze. He has to vocalize it and draw attention to himself. He makes a weird sound when he inhales to preface the sneeze and signal it’s arrival. Then the sneeze itself is accompanied with an actual achoo. He uses his vocal chords and there’s a verbal achoo. He’s not saying “Achoo!” He’s actively amplifying the sound to be as loud as possible.

It’s physical. He uses his full body. He leans back, flails his arms, and whips his head forward as he sneezes. He’ll pause for a second or two to see if he can get a “Bless you!” or “Gesundheit!” and sneeze again and again until he gets one. It’s not allergies. It’s attention.

I can’t respect myself if I respect a sneeze emphasizer. I don’t need that type of negativity in my life.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sneeze

Sometimes you have snot or dust in your nose and you feel a tickle. That tickle starts to grow and it becomes a sneeze. Your lungs deliver a blast of air that sends the snot and dust flying out of your nose and mouth. I’m sure you’ve all seen cartoons where they sniff pepper and it makes them sneeze. That doesn’t really happen. If you sniff pepper you just get a burning sensation like you inhaled Mace. Everyone has a unique sneeze, they are like fingerprints. Some people sneeze once and they’re done. Some people sneeze so many times that you’d think it was their hobby. There are silent sneezers, loud sneezers, spray sneezers, dry sneezers, and sneezers that sound like cats. The worst type of sneeze are the random phlegmers. Those are the powerful ones that come without warning and result in a handful of snot. Just throw it at the first asshole that makes a wisecrack and everybody will be too busy laughing to be disgusted.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bless You

Someone just sneezed. You instinctively respond with “Bless you!” (At least if your mama raised you right). It’s polite and it also has the added bonus of keeping Satan from stealing their soul. It’s kind of weird that sneezing seems to be the only body function that gets acknowledged with a phrase wishing the sneezer divine protection and/or good health. There is no common verbal response for when someone burps, coughs, hiccups, or farts. I think there should be. The next time someone rips one, I’m going to say, “Jesus loves you” and see what happens.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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