Tag Archives: turkey

Orphan Thanksgiving

An Orphan Thanksgiving is a thanksgiving without family. It’s not as sad as it sounds. It’s when you celebrate Thanksgiving with friends rather than family. It’s either out of choice or necessity, but it’s never a bad thing. In fact, it’s often more fun than spending the holiday with family. Quality time with family is good, but it’s less responsibility and less hassle dealing with friends. And your family feels obligated to take you in, so you feel more included when someone goes out of their way to invite you to a holiday meal. Family is important, but friendship is too. You get to choose your friends; you don’t get to choose your family. (Don’t get me wrong, I love my family but I love my friends too, and friends deserve a holiday of their own!)

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Poultry Day

March 19th is Poultry Day, a day to celebrate poultries. A poultry is a type of bird that humans domesticated for their eggs, feathers, or meat. This includes chickens, turkeys, ducks, geese, quails, and a bunch of other ones I’m too lazy to list. I don’t know how to celebrate Poultry Day. Am I supposed to help a chicken cross the road? Am I supposed to find a pond and feed the ducks? Am I supposed to cook a turkey dinner? Should I dress up like Quailman? Or salute Colonel Sanders? These are the things that nobody tells you about Poultry Day. I know lots of things about poultry (like chicken farts smell fowl), but I don’t know anything about Poultry Day customs or traditions. And that’s a shame because this seems like a really important holiday.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving (or Turkey Day as it’s known on Facebook) is a day for Americans to sit around a table with family and friends and get even fatter. Americans already have more food each day than half the world, but Thanksgiving really lets us show off our gluttony. The average Thanksgiving feast is pretty extravagant: turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, rolls, some sort of salad, cranberries, pumpkin pie, wine for the adults, sparkling cider for the kids, and leftovers for days. There are starving kids in China and we complain about being in a food coma.

Pretending to be thankful is the way that we justify eating a week’s worth of food during one meal. You hold hands and give thanks for the food, for another year together, for a roof over your head, for a new Star Wars trilogy. You’re not really grateful. You take that shit for granted. But that’s ok. We’re Americans. We are supposed to be assholes. That’s why the world hates us. It doesn’t matter though, the turkey tastes delicious.

Thanksgiving is one of the last real holidays. The candy companies and greeting card companies haven’t found a way to exploit it yet. I’m actually thankful for that. Despite my cynicism, Thanksgiving is usually one of my favorite Thursdays of the year.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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