Monthly Archives: August 2012

Clipping Your Nails Too Short

You can either bite your nails or clip them to keep them short and maintained. Biting is messy and people judge you if they see you doing it, so it’s better to use nail clippers to trim them. Just be carful you don’t get carried away. Clipping your nails too short can hurt and feel uncomfortable, especially on your toes because you have to wear socks and shoes. It feels like someone is stepping on your toes all day long. And nails take forever to grow, so sometimes it sucks for a while. Clipping nails is like drinking, you have to know your limit or you’ll regret it the next day.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Losing the Cap to Your Toothpaste

Oral hygiene is essential, both for your health or if you want to get laid. It’s important to have fresh breath and little plaque. That’s why a lot of us use toothpaste. When combined with a toothbrush, toothpaste fights cavities and brightens your teeth. You’ll brush once or twice a day, every day and every week of every year for your whole life (at least if your mom raised you right). So it’s inevitable that you will end up losing the cap to your toothpaste. Sometimes the cap falls in the toilet or on a tainted spot on the ground so you have no choice but to get rid of it. Sometimes the fucking cap just goes missing without any trace. Maybe someone stole it to drive me crazy. There’s nothing you can do about it. If it goes missing, you just have to deal with capless toothpaste. They don’t sell spare caps. You’re not going to put plastic wrap on the end. You’re just going to have an exposed tube for a while. There are worse things in life.

Critically Rated at 8/17

1 Comment

Filed under Random Rants

LOL

LOL is Internet/text speak for “laugh out loud.” You use it when someone says something funny or when you want to cover up a racist comment by pretending it’s a joke. Most of the time you aren’t actually laughing out loud when you type LOL, so you’re basically lying. Laughing is a weird thing to lie about. It makes me wonder what else you’re lying about.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Using a Blanket to Mark Your Turf

If you’ve ever gone to an outdoor concert or festival, you’ve probably noticed a few groups that bring in beach towels or blankets to sit on. They stake out a spot where they can spread out their blanket, and that little plot of land becomes their territory. If you bring a towel you have a spot to lay down between sets, you have a place to leave your bags, you have a set meeting spot (I’ll meet you at the blanket). This is all perfectly acceptable behavior as long as there’s no music and you’re not too close to the stage. But if everyone around you is standing and/or moving to the beat and your ass is still parked on your blanket, it might be time to stand up and pack up your shit. There’s no point in bitching at a steady stream of strangers for stepping on your precious blanket. Yes, it is rude to step on someone’s personal belongings. But it’s also rude to claim ownership over public property by spreading out a blanket when everyone else is crammed together. Using a blanket to mark your turf is a smart idea, but you can’t be selfish about it. Drunk, stoned, and fucked up people have a right to dance and walk around during a set without worrying about stepping into your personal space. If you don’t like crowds, you shouldn’t be at a concert. That’s why they invented personal music players.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Catching Up

Sometimes you get out of work late or get to the party after everyone else. And everyone else is already drunk. So you feel like you have to catch up to get on their level. You’ll start with a shot or two and then progress to double fisting. And then a few more drinks and you’ll take a hit of that. Pretty soon you’re feeling good and you knew that catching up was a good idea. Just don’t pass them. Then it’s game over. Drink responsibly, if there is such a thing.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Outside Lands 2012

The San Francisco Outside Lands Festival has come and gone again. The festival is held each year in Golden Gate Park and features multiple artists on multiple stages. The 2012 lineup featured such diverse acts as Beck, Of Monsters and Men, Foo Fighters, Andrew Bird, Justice, Alabama Shakes, Explosions in the Sky, Big Boi, The Kills, Passion Pit, Sigur Ros, Fun., Franz Ferdinand, Regina Spektor, Jack White, Santigold, Bloc Party, Dispatch, Skrillex, and the main headliners were Neil Young & Crazy Horse, Metallica, and Stevie Wonder. That’s a pretty good fucking lineup in a time when most festivals are becoming more mediocre. Coachella was so desperate for talent that they had to resort to booking holograms of dead rappers.


This is my fourth Outside Lands in five years and I live ten minutes by foot from the main entrance. I’m not trying to toot my horn, but I’m pretty much an Outside Lands expert at this point. So believe me when I say that this year was a shit show. It was fucking crowded. And that fucking sucked. I was there pretty much the entire festival. I got there around 1:00 the first day and was surprised at how busy it was. There were already lines for the bathrooms and for food. Fridays generally start getting crowded around 5:00 or 6:00, but it seemed like everyone was anxious to get in early.

I saw the two-man band Tanlines, and they put on a decent show. I headed over to the main stage, Lands End, to catch Fitz and the Tantrums, Beck, Foo Fighters, and finally Neil Young & Crazy Horse. Fitz and the Tantrums had everyone moving, even if their songs aren’t as well known. Beck played a lot of old stuff, including Loser and Devil’s Haircut, but he played a few slow songs in a row, including Lost Cause, which kind of put a damper on the mood. Dave Grohl and the rest of the Foo Fighters were great. They had a ton of energy and had everyone jumping and singing. They played a lot of old stuff and some new stuff, but everyone was feeling it.

Neil Young is old. He looks old. He doesn’t act old. He was constantly bobbing and moving to the beat, running and jumping, and generally sweating his geriatric nutsack off. He played a lot of old and obscure stuff, with a few recognizable songs thrown in to pacify the crowd. He refused to end songs and every other song had to have a ten-minute guitar solo. It got old real fast. He seemed like he was just trying to fill a two-hour set at times. I know you’re a legend, but you don’t have to be full of yourself. You’re not Clapton or Dylan… you occasionally hang out with Crosby, Stills, & Nash, but you’re not that cool.

Saturday was ridiculously busy. There were people everywhere all day long. It was almost impossible to find anyone. You had to be wearing something distinctive or be near a landmark or a recognizable flagstick. Security was pretty strict that day. They took away my Captain Morgan. That was pretty disheartening. I saw Geographer, Alabama Shakes, Big Boi, Passion Pit, and Metallica. Geographer was all right, admittedly they aren’t one of the bands that I listen to or have heard of before, but they were pretty good. Alabama Shakes was super crowded. They had a ton of people crammed together to watch them, and I listened to a few songs before my group got claustrophobic/pissed off and we left a little early. I liked what I heard, but we were too far away to get close and to get into it.

Big Boi was supposed to play Outside Lands before, but he got arrested and couldn’t make his gig. This time around he kept referring to the “technical difficulties” that kept him from playing last time, so he would take requests and also play new stuff. He played a few hits from the OutKast days like Bombs over Baghdad and Ms. Jackson. A little hip-hop is refreshing in a lineup like this. Passion Pit had everyone dancing and grooving along. Metallica was super loud and had fire. And a bunch of hits that everyone can scream along to. The fire was awesome. I’m still pissed that they shut down Napster.

Finally Sunday rolled around, and the sun still hadn’t made an appearance all weekend. We hoped that it would come out, but it stayed cloudy and overcast pretty much the whole day, with the occasional glimpse of blue sky. I started the day by catching the end of Allen Stone. What a delightful weird looking white guy. I stuck around the main stage for Fun., Franz Ferdinand, and Regina Spektor. Fun. played a great set. They really lived up to their name. Lead singer Nate Ruess was genuinely having a good time performing and it showed. They really got the crowd going, and that was one of the best acts of the day. Franz Ferdinand also got the crowd going, and everyone was having a good time. Regina Spektor was good, but it’s a slower style of music, so people were more mellow during her set.

Santigold was next on my list, and that was a great show. Everyone was dancing and singing and moving to the beat. One of the highlights was when she invited a bunch of audience members to dance on stage for a song. Bloc Party was next. They put on a decent set, but their sound was distorted. It got better as it went on, but it wasn’t as impressive as I hoped it would be.

Like most of the Outside Landers, I ended the day at Stevie Wonder. Quick fact of the day: Stevie Wonder is a blind musician. He played a bunch of songs, because he’s been around for a while and he has a bunch of songs. He even got up and walked around the stage being lead by one of his backup singers. It was very awesome and slightly awkward.

Outside Lands 2012 had a great lineup and lots of things to see, but it was really crowded. I mean super fucking crowded. At times it was not enjoyable with how many people there were. The bathroom situation was a nightmare. A lot of people (either the smart ones or the really fucked up ones) resorted to pissing in the bushes or behind the portapotties. It seems like Outside Lands is getting too big. I might skip out on it next year, but it all depends on the lineup. It always depends on the lineup.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Hi-Chew

Hi-Chew is a Japanese candy and they are delicious. It’s a fruity, chewy candy and each one is individually wrapped like Starbursts or Mambas, but they seem juicier. They have a few flavors, I’ve tried Banana, Grape, Strawberry, Mango, but there’s a lot more. Did I mention that they are delicious? Because they are. If you like fruit flavored confectionary treats, give these a shot. Just be careful, because if you buy a pack and someone sees it, you’re gonna have to share.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

The Fake Mustache Trend

I’ve been experiencing the Outside Lands festival the last few days, and I’ve noticed a disturbing new trend. A lot of girls were rocking fake mustaches. I don’t know why. Maybe they think it’s fun and charming. Maybe they want to deter guys from talking to them. Either way it looks stupid. Most guys can’t even pull off real mustaches, what makes you think you can? I don’t understand the fake mustache trend. Fake sideburns are way cooler, and nothing tops a faux Lincoln beard.

Critically Rated at 5/17

1 Comment

Filed under Random Rants

Can I Ask You a Question?

One of the worst phrases in the English language is: “Can I ask you a question?” You are asking for permission to ask them something when you might not have permission to ask them something. What if they don’t want you to ask them anything? It’s more accurate to say: “Can I ask you something other than this current question?” It’s a little longer and more awkward but at least now you’re not assuming it’s ok to ask them questions other than the current one.

I need a hobby.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Forgetting Your Ticket

You hear about an awesome festival with a fantastic lineup on an ideal weekend and so you buy your tickets a few months in advance and request the time off of work. You mark the dates on the calendar and your anticipation builds as the days slowly pass until it is finally time to rock out. You’ve been planning everything out: you know which bands you’re going to see, you recruit friends to join you, you pack your bag with some snacks and stash a few joints and a flask in a hidden compartment, and you start to make your way to the concert. You’re feeling pleased and excited and slightly buzzed because you were pregaming. And then you realize that your ticket that you bought months ago is still tucked away safely in your drawer. Forgetting your ticket is worse than leaving your kid behind at Chuck E. Cheese. You feel like an amateur. You feel like you’ve failed. And you did.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Beach Balls

Beach balls are inflatable balls that require your lungpower. You blow into a little rubber nipple thing, and you get slightly dizzy if you blow it up too fast. The name is kind of misleading. You never see beach balls at the beach. You typically see them at concerts, festivals, and the occasional sporting event. They are sometimes distracting, but you still hope it comes your way so you can swat it. I wonder if the guy who brings the ball gets mad when no one gives it back. I would be pissed, “NO ONE IS LEAVING UNTIL I GET MY FUCKING BEACH BALL BACK! WHO THE FUCK HAS IT?”

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Batman: The Long Halloween (comic)

The Long Halloween is a semi-sequel to Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One. Writer Jeph Loeb continues the tale of a Gotham City that is still partly controlled by mobsters and gangsters, but more and more crazy Batman villains are starting to make their voices heard. A serial killer is slowly killing off members or the Falcone crime family on holidays and Batman has to find out why. He enters a crime fighting pact with Police Captain James Gordon and the new district attorney, Harvey Dent. Over the course of the 13 issues, Harvey Dent transitions himself from a moral and upstanding person to a psychotic villain known as Two-Face. If that spoiled anything for you, I’m not fucking sorry. Everyone knows that Harvey Dent becomes Two-Face.

A notorious mobster named Carmine “The Roman” Falcone tries to get Bruce Wayne to get the Gotham City Bank to launder money. This sets off a chain of events where Batman starts to investigate that Falcone family, allying with James Gordon and Harvey Dent in an attempt to stop organized crime in Gotham.

On Halloween, Jonny Viti (The Roman’s nephew) is shot and killed by an unknown assassin. Each month the killer returns to wipe out another mobster on a holiday, each victim is associated with the Falcones.

Batman, Gordon, and Harvey Dent become intent on catching the killer, who they start referring to as Holiday. Catwoman is constantly spying on Batman and always seems to be present when he’s meeting with Gordon and Dent, or whenever he’s creeping around at nighttime doing his Batman duties. Haha, Batman doodies. Batman’s not sure which side she is on, but he’s got bigger fish to fry.

Harvey Dent finds a link between the Falcone family and the Wayne family that results in Bruce Wayne getting arrested. That puts a slight damper on Batman’s relationship with Harvey Dent.

The crime war between the Falcones and their rivals, the Maronis reaches the point where Maroni agrees to testify against The Roman. Instead of a damning testimony, he hurls acid into Harvey Dent’s face. And Harvey Dent goes crazy and becomes Two-Face.

So now Batman has a new crazy villain to deal with and he still has to find out who the Holiday killer is. And there are a lot of suspects. And there’s a twist so brace yourselves.

Not only does Batman have to deal with the Falcone mobsters and the Maroni mobsters, but there’s a virtual who’s who of Batman villains that make appearances. Catwoman, the Joker, Two-Face, the Calendar Man, Solomon Grundy, the Scarecrow, the Riddler, the Mad Hatter, and Poison Ivy all show up. Even though there are a few sideshows, the main storyline is tight and focused. Just sit back and enjoy where the story takes you.

Tim Sale’s artwork is gorgeous. Loeb and Sale worked together for a few projects; this is one of their better collaborative efforts (check out Superman for All Seasons for a good Superman read).

If you’ve seen any of Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy (and I’m assuming you have, because who hasn’t?), then you will notice a lot of things that the movies took from this comic, especially in The Dark Knight. This story is better than The Dark Knight. It’s a murder mystery that can only be solved by the world’s greatest detective and he dresses up like a bat when it’s dark outside.

This is one of the best Batman stories ever. And one of the best comic book stories ever. It’s just a great story period. So read it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Calling or Texting Instead of Ringing the Doorbell

It seems like everyone has a cellphone these days, and the lucky ones have smartphones. Everyone is constantly connected to each other with this magical technology. And technology makes you lazy in stupid ways. I’ve noticed that most people end up calling or texting instead of ringing the doorbell. A doorbell has one button that produces a buzzing or chiming noise to notify that someone is at the door. Instead of pushing one button, we now push a few buttons or type out a text saying we are outside. It takes longer to get a response, there’s more work involved, and there’s no real reason to do it. But that’s how it is now. So just embrace it and text me when you get here.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Negative Nancy

Yesterday I overheard a stupid guy telling his friends that he doesn’t like the term “Negative Nancy.” His friends couldn’t grasp why, and the stupid guy couldn’t explain why he hates it. I can only assume it is because he is a Negative Nancy. A Negative Nancy is equivalent to a Sad Sally or a Debbie Downer. Americans like to label people using alliteration, I guess. If someone is constantly complaining, especially about trivial things, than they are a Negative Nancy. You don’t want to be a Negative Nancy. I don’t know what the opposite is, but it’s probably Happy Harold or Fun Freddy. I could have made that up too.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Looking Up Shit on Your Phone

I like to read interesting articles about interesting things to expand my intellect. And then when I’m drunk, I try to spew out the crazy facts that I learned and no one will believe me. So I’ll bust out my iPhone and look up my source. Looking up shit on your phone is the best nonviolent way to end a bar argument. If that doesn’t work, smash a bottle or a barstool on your opponent and run like hell. Smart phones put the Internet in the palm of your hand, and you can use it to prove someone wrong and make them feel stupid. And then you can take a picture of their misery and share it with the world instantly. That’s the best use of technology to date.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

The Wounds (film)

The Wounds is a Serbian film that I never would have heard of if it weren’t for a Serbian guy that I work with. It’s about a kid named Pinki growing up in Belgrade with his best friend Švaba during the Yugoslav wars. The two friends embrace the criminal lifestyle and their only goal is to be infamous. They evolve from kids into criminals over a few years and the movie is realistic and depressing and you are compelled to watch.

A lot of the movie gets lost in translation. This is a period piece as much as it is a gangster film, and I’m admittedly a little rusty on my Serbian history. But one thing that is universal are characters and emotions. You know who these characters are and you know what they are feeling. And when shit happens to them, you can relate to them.

The movie begins with Pinki riding shotgun with Švaba. The conversation is somewhat casual, but you can’t help but notice that Pinki is riddled with bullet holes and there is an air of tension between the two. The movie flashes back a few years to a younger Pinki and Švaba as they joyfully bully their tagalong friend, Dijabola. They constantly pick on him and ridicule him and throw fucking rocks at his head and laugh as the tears and blood run down his face.

Dijabola’s sexy mom is a TV reporter that works for a show called Puls Asfalta (or Pulse of the Asphalt). She interviews notable persons of the criminal underworld and she turns them into stars. One criminal named Dickie wants to be on the show desperately, and he’s crazy enough to get on it. He introduces Pinki and Švaba to crime and mentors them to be as crazy and ruthless as he is. The time comes when he teaches them everything he can and they no longer need him.

The friends descend deeper and deeper into despair and killing and violence means nothing to them. They only want respect and they try to get it by appearing on Pulse of the Asphalt. They both want to get with Dijabola’s sexy mom and the jealous feelings cause Švaba to shoot Pinki a few times, and the movie is back to the opening scene. Now you now why Pinki was all shot up and why there was so much tension. But the movie’s not over yet. Now you have to experience the climax. Instead of telling you what happens, you should just kill an hour and forty minutes and just watch it now. You’re not that busy, so here you go.

This movie is comparable to City of God. But in The Wounds the main character embraces crime and celebrates it. In City of God, the main character resists crime and fears it. Pinki is not a bad kid, but he still chose to be a criminal. He’s not as coldblooded as Švaba, but he doesn’t back down from anything,

The movie is very sexual. I guess sex and violence go hand in hand as far as entertainment is concerned, but still, holy shit, this film is sexual. Pinki starts by stating proudly that he masturbates, and he does so furiously and frequently. As he starts to rise up the criminal ranks, he starts fucking prostitutes. In front of Dickie and Švaba and Dijabola. And they’ll take turns and watch each other and comment. Pinki and Švaba go skinny dipping together and have no qualms about being naked together but will still insult each other by calling the other one a faggot. Pinki never has a girlfriend. He’s had sex, but he’s never made love. And there’s a difference.

There is a whole subplot involving the family lives of the two friends. Pinki lives with his parents. His dad is stuck in a dead end job in the military. He gets no respect and not much of a paycheck. When Pinki turns to a life of crime, his dad is desperate enough to ask him for work. Švaba lives with his grandma, and there are quite a few funny scenes with her as she ingests drugs and partakes of their lifestyle in the sweet and innocent way that only old ladies can accomplish. When she asks for a cigarette, they offer her a joint and call it an American cigarette. When she sees Pinki doing lines of blow and asks if it’s prescription, he responds it’s Columbian and she joins in.

This movie is subtitled, but it still sucks you in. After a few minutes you are hooked. There are a lot of references to Serbian history that will go over most people’s heads (including my own), but that doesn’t make this movie any less impactful. The movie ends on a down note. It’s not a happy way to sum up the story. But it’s the realistic way to end it. That’s how it ends for most people that choose that lifestyle. I’m trying to be vague here. Just watch it and see how you feel. By the way, the main actor died in 2000 while serving in the Serbian military under mysterious circumstances. You should honor his memory by seeing his work. I can honestly say that this is the best Serbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Killing Time on the Internet

There are quite a few websites on the Internet these days. Over a thousand by some estimates. So while in the old days when people would go outside or socialize with a friend face to face, these days people surf the World Wide Web. Killing time on the Internet is quickly becoming a pastime. Instant gratification is supremely satisfying. If you are unsure how to pass time before work or bedtime, there’s YouTube and Google and Wikipedia and Facebook. For some people there’s still AOL. I don’t know why, but it’s still there. There’s a lot of porn out there too apparently. I’m going to have to look into that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment