November 6, 2013 · 8:59 am

House Party

Parties are fun, but it’s hard to top a good house party. House parties are awesome because there is no guest list, there is no dress code, there is no last call, and there is no closing time. You don’t have to get your wrist stamped or worry about reentry if you go out for a smoke break. You get to control the music so you don’t have to suffer through a crappy DJ’s shitty set. The only downside is that you have to bring your own booze, but that still saves you money. A hundred bucks will get a lot more alcohol from the liquor store than it will get you at the bar. People have fun at bars and clubs, but they go nuts at house parties. It’s all friends and no strangers, so you feel more comfortable, relaxed, and less afraid of embarrassing yourself, and that means you’ll be drinking harder and longer than you would if there was a bouncer watching you. There are always a couple fun drinking games going on, a few random hookups to laugh about, and hundreds of random conversations about nothing to jump in to. The night goes on and on, and people start passing out and sleeping wherever they find a quiet corner to disappear in. Eventually the sun starts to rise, the party ends, and you get a smile on your face whenever you remember that night.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2013 · 8:57 am

It’s Not Illegally Parking If Someone Stays In the Car

Have you ever noticed that it’s perfectly ok to double park or park in a handicap spot without a placard if someone stays in the car? I’m pretty sure it’s still not legal to do that, but most cops will look the other way if someone stays in the car. It’s proof that you’re there temporarily and that you’ll be leaving in a minute. It might be a bit of an inconvenience to other drivers, but they do it too. Only the surliest of drivers will honk at you and scream at you to move your car. Don’t give in to assholes though… give them the finger and tell them to fuck off. And stay in your spot. Remember: it’s not illegally parking if someone stays in the car. Leave your baby in the backseat the next time you go grocery shopping and save yourself the hassle of searching for a spot.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2013 · 11:54 am

Sammich

If you’re hungry and aren’t sure what to eat, you can’t go wrong with a sammich. A sammich is similar to a sandwich, only far more delicious.  Anyone can make a sandwich: you just slap some shit between two slices of bread and call it a day. But a sammich takes more time, both in making it and in eating it. You get a sandwich from Subway; you get a sammich from the deli. A PB&J is a sandwich. A BLT is a sammich.  A sammich is a sandwich that you are proud of. A sammich is a sandwich that other people are jealous of. It’s something that they might try to steal. A sammich is a precious commodity, especially around lunchtime. I could go for a sammich right about now.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2013 · 11:53 am

New Neighbors

My downstairs neighbors moved out a while ago and their apartment was unoccupied for months. We got used to the silence and the extra garage space. But our landlord finally got his shit together, and the new neighbors moved in yesterday. New neighbors are always interesting because they shake things up a bit. A neighbor can be your best friend or your worst enemy. A good neighbor can make a shitty place seem better. A bad neighbor can turn your dream home into a nightmare. So it’s important to talk to your new neighbors and get a feel for their personalities. You learn their names and what they do for a living and what they do for fun. You’re going to see them all the time so it’s better if you get along (or at least pretend like you do). Our new neighbors seem pretty chill, even though I’ve only talked to them for a minute. They have a cool dog, that’s always a plus. And they haven’t told us to keep the noise down yet. So far, so good. New neighbors, welcome home.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2013 · 8:32 am

Sleep Talking

Sleep talking is when someone talks in their sleep. It’s pretty common and it happens a lot. Some people talk in their sleep every single night, some people do it every once in a while, and I’m pretty sure that everyone does it at least once in their life. Sometimes sleep talkers make sense, sometimes they don’t, sometimes you understand them clearly, and sometimes they are just speaking gibberish. It’s pretty funny hearing your friend or lover talking in their sleep because you can make fun of them the next morning. It’s kind of scary to find out that you talk in your sleep because it means your subconscious is in control. You can’t filter what you are saying. Your carefully crafted house of lies could suddenly collapse with a single slip of your sleeping tongue. The best way to avoid sleep talking is to avoid sleeping entirely. That’s why the good lord invented caffeine and cocaine.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2013 · 8:30 am

Brunch

Brunch is the miraculous mealtime hybrid that combines breakfast and lunch. It’s a late morning/early afternoon meal. It’s meant to be a social affair; you’re supposed to eat it with family and friends. Nobody goes to brunch alone. That’s depressing and weird. Most brunches have a diverse menu, ranging from breakfast foods like eggs and waffles to lunchtime foods like little sammiches, quiche, and cuts of meat. You might also expect to find rolls, cheese, salads, pasta dishes, and an array of fruits. Cantaloupe is required. It’s not brunch without cantaloupe. You can eat brunch any day of the week, but it’s best on Sundays. There’s no better way to get rid of your hangover than by having a big meal with good people and washing it all down with a few Mimosas and a Bloody Mary. It’s hard to top that. Brunch just might be the most enjoyable meal of the day.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2013 · 1:19 pm

Pretending You’re Allergic to Something You Just Don’t Like

Pretending you’re allergic to something you just don’t like is quickly becoming the new trend in eating out and it needs to stop. I know that some people have real allergies. Some people can’t even look at a peanut without going into cardiac arrest. Those people have the right to be picky and demand special treatment; it’s totally acceptable if it’s a life or death situation. But some people abuse the system by pretending they have allergies to avoid things that they don’t like. If they don’t like fish, they will claim to have a seafood allergy. If they are dieting and worried about carbohydrates, they will claim to have a gluten allergy. I think they need to lighten up and stop being so damn picky. Pretending you’re allergic to something is a slap in the face to people who have real allergies. And it’s a weird thing to lie about. If you don’t like tomatoes, just say you don’t like tomatoes. You don’t need to pretend like a tomato will kill you. You’re not going to get my sympathy; you’re just going to make me want to feed you a tomato.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2013 · 1:16 pm

Dr Pepper Cherry

If you’ve ever wondered what Dr Pepper with cherry would taste like, then you should try Dr Pepper Cherry. It’s Dr Pepper with cherry flavor added to it. It seems like a good idea, but it’s a little unnecessary. Dr Pepper has a unique taste because it blends 23 different flavors. Adding the cherry flavor makes it an even 24. It’s a lot for your taste buds to handle, and no single flavor steals the show. You can hardly taste the cherry. It just blends together with the Dr Pepper. I’m not that impressed with it. It’s a decent soda, but I’d rather have a Cherry Coke or a regular Dr Pepper. Or a beer.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2013 · 9:54 am

Stooping

Stooping is when you hang out on a stoop, usually with a few friends and typically with a some drinks, a blunt, and/or some cigarettes. Stooping is a very common activity in a lot of cities. It’s a lot easier to enjoy the outdoors on the steps in front of your door rather than trekking to the park. You just sit on the steps, crack a brew, and enjoy each other’s company as you watch the people go by. Stooping is great because it combines so many of my favorite things into one situation. I like sitting. I like hanging out. I like smoking. I like drinking. I like people watching. And I like being lazy. If you like those things, you would probably like stooping too. It’s fun, simple, cheap, and a great way to pass the time. I highly recommend stooping it for your next casual get together.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2013 · 9:52 am

Sanpellegrino Pompelmo

Sanpellegrino Pompelmo is a sparkling grapefruit beverage that’s made from concentrate and has 16% grapefruit juice. 16%! That’s like drinking three bites of a grapefruit. Grapefruit is a pretty strong flavor so I was reluctant to try this beverage, but I did, and I’m glad to say that the grapefruit taste was pretty muted. You still get the distinct grapefruit flavor, but it’s sweetened and watered down. It’s a pretty pleasant grapefruit taste. Even babies and little kids would like it. It’s not that bitter and it’s not that acidic on your tongue. It’s sweeter and more enjoyable than grapefruit sodas like Squirt. It’s a lot healthier too. I was pleasantly surprised by this drink, and I will definitely get it again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 1, 2013 · 9:53 am

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was the first real Jim Carrey movie. He starred in a few movies before this one (like Once Bitten and Earth Girls Are Easy), but this was the first movie where Jim Carrey got to be Jim Carrey and go crazy. And he changed the face of movie comedy forever with this gem. Jim Carrey stars as Ace Ventura, a pet detective trying to track down Snowflake, the kidnapped mascot of the Miami Dolphins. He has a crazy haircut, an affinity for animals, and a habit of making his ass talk.

Nobody in Hollywood can do physical comedy like Jim Carrey. He flails his arms and stretches his rubber face and can do a million different voices. He is one of a kind. Courtney Cox, Sean Young, Tone Lōc, and Dan Marino all do a decent job in their supporting roles, but this movie is nothing without Jim Carrey. But director Tom Shadyac deserves a lot of credit too. Shadyac does a great job of balancing out the comedic mayhem with an intriguing mystery. It could have been a forgettable comedy, but Shadyac gives the movie heart, and that gave the film longevity. It’s an undisputed classic. It launched Jim Carrey into superstardom. It’s no wonder that Jim Carrey would team up with him again for Liar, Liar and Bruce Almighty.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is a milestone for a few reasons. It proved that unproven stars could create a blockbuster comedy franchise (The Hangover owes its existence to it).  It made dumb comedies smart again. And it gave the world Jim Carrey. It’s not a perfect movie, but it’s pretty damn close.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 1, 2013 · 9:51 am

Ritz Cracker Sandwiches with Peanut Butter

Ritz Cracker Sandwiches with Peanut Butter are prepackaged Ritz crackers made with real peanut butter. They are great if you like Ritz crackers with peanut butter but are too lazy to put peanut butter on Ritz crackers yourself. It looks like the crackers are a little bit smaller than the regular Ritz, but it still makes for a decent snack. It might not stave off your appetite, but it will get you to your next meal without your stomach growling. You get the salty crunch from the cracker and the smooth nutty taste of peanut butter with each bite. They pair well with a glass of milk or a bottle of beer. Beer makes everything better. Add some Nutella and you’re golden. Nutella makes everything better too.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 31, 2013 · 8:58 am

Parking Spot

A parking spot is a spot where you park your car. You usually find parking spots in garages, parking lots, and on the side of the road. A parking spot is a precious commodity, especially in a big city. Drivers will go through great lengths to find a good parking spot. A driver might circle the same two blocks for forty-five minutes in a futile attempt to find a spot. A good parking spot is something to fight over. It’s not uncommon for two frustrated drivers to start yelling or throw fists over a few feet of asphalt. Earlier today I went to the neighborhood mom and pop shop to buy some groceries. The cashier greeted me when I walked in, I walked around and gathered my items, but she was gone when I went to pay. I wondered where she disappeared to and then she came running in from the street, apologizing and explaining that she saw a good parking spot open up outside and she had to take it. Perfectly understandable. Parking spots are like opportunities… you have to take them when you can.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 31, 2013 · 8:56 am

Foot Fetish

Do you like feet? Do you think they are sexy? Do they make you hard? Do they make you wet? Do you enjoy sucking on toes? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you probably have a foot fetish. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just not normal and people think that you are weird. There are lots of successful people that have a sexual fascination with feet, but Quentin Tarantino is the only one who comes to mind. Watch any of his films and it’s quite apparent that he has a minor obsession with feet (especially Uma Thurman’s gigantic feet). I think that we should stop calling it a foot fetish and start calling it a feetish. That combines two words into one word, and it has the added bonus of being a pun. Plus it’s fun to say. Feetish. Simply delightful.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 30, 2013 · 12:07 pm

Top 8

I remember a time before Facebook, back when social networking was still in its infancy, there was a site called MySpace. It was a place for friends. And you would analyze your friends, select your favorite eight and rank them, and then you would display them prominently in your Top 8 on your profile. Most people had hundreds of friends, so it was a big honor to make it to someone’s Top 8. And it was a huge insult if you didn’t make the cut (especially if they were in your Top 8. The Top 8 caused a lot of animosity between friends. So MySpace later expanded it to the Top 16. But by then it was too late and Facebook was already taking over the world. Now MySpace and LiveJournal are living under an overpass reminiscing about the good old days. I kind of miss the Top 8. You knew where you stood in life.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 30, 2013 · 12:05 pm

Sunkist Strawberry Soda

Sunkist Strawberry Soda is a strawberry flavored soda. It has a good amount of strawberry-sugar sweetness. It might be a little too sweet to satisfy your thirst. It’s kind of like drinking a liquid Jolly Rancher. I don’t see strawberry soda that often, so I feel obliged to get it when I do. I wouldn’t get a six-pack, but I might buy a 20oz bottle for ninety-nine cents. That’s what I did today, and it’s been working out pretty well so far. It will never be in my top twenty-five sodas, but it’s nice to mix up your choices every now and then. Variety is the spice of life after all.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 29, 2013 · 1:38 pm

A Bad Cover of Your Favorite Song

Nothing makes you want to puncture your own eardrums with a dull pencil more than a bad cover of your favorite song. Your favorite song means something to you. It’s sacred. It’s something to honor and respect. The last thing that you want to hear is some no-talent singer screeching his way through the lyrics, backed by an off-pitch band playing out of sync. Your favorite song becomes unrecognizable, it becomes a tragedy, it becomes a farce, a joke, a disappointment. You can never unhear a bad cover of your favorite song. It lingers in the back of your mind, tainting the original album version and ruining it slightly. Maybe that’s why so many people hate karaoke.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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