Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

August 9, 2012 · 10:01 am

Looking Up Shit on Your Phone

I like to read interesting articles about interesting things to expand my intellect. And then when I’m drunk, I try to spew out the crazy facts that I learned and no one will believe me. So I’ll bust out my iPhone and look up my source. Looking up shit on your phone is the best nonviolent way to end a bar argument. If that doesn’t work, smash a bottle or a barstool on your opponent and run like hell. Smart phones put the Internet in the palm of your hand, and you can use it to prove someone wrong and make them feel stupid. And then you can take a picture of their misery and share it with the world instantly. That’s the best use of technology to date.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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August 7, 2012 · 8:02 am

J1s

If you don’t know what a J1 is, then I feel sorry for you. J1s are glorified tourists who get a J1 visa that allows them to work in America for a few months, with extra time allotted to tour the states and see the sights. It’s basically a work and travel program for college students from various European countries and a few South American countries. If you’ve even been to New York City, San Francisco, Orlando, or any other hotspot during the summertime and heard a delicious accent from an employee at a touristy restaurant like Hard Rock or Boudin, that was probably a J1.

J1s live together in hotels or hostels, often 3 or 4 crammed into a small space. It is basically dorm living, but you are in America and you have a right to go crazy and party every day and night. And that’s what they do. The cool ones at least.

The J1s experience more of America than most Americans do. They make sure to visit New York City and San Francisco and everywhere in between. They visit Vegas and Disneyland and go skydiving. They live more in 4 months than a lazy American does in 4 years.

J1s have a chance to explore the world and they make the most of it. And then they go home and you talk to them on Facebook. If you are fortunate to befriend some of them, it’s comforting to know that you have a couch you can crash on in Croatia if you need. Or Serbia. Or Ireland. Just don’t go to Moscow. Long story.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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August 7, 2012 · 7:54 am

Using the Bathroom After a Girl Takes a Shit

People eat food and as a result they defecate. Guys embrace toilet humor, girls avoid it. Guys are expected to leave the seat up and miss the toilet. We are supposed to fart and take long leisurely shits. Girls are don’t have that privilege, it’s scandalous when they fart in public. I know that they have to shit; I just don’t want to hear about it. Using the bathroom after a girl takes a shit is a terribly dehumanizing experience. Girls are supposed to be flowers and sunshine. Dealing with the aftermath of their explosive poops will make you realize there’s no such thing as perfection. And that stinks (in more ways than one).

Critically Rated at 5/17

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August 6, 2012 · 6:55 am

Spending Money When You Shouldn’t

We’ve all be there before. Rent is due in 2 days and you’re still a little short. And you should be stingy and frugal but you find yourself walking downtown and something catches your eye. Maybe it’s a jacket that’s on sale, maybe it’s the scent of a delicious steak wafting from that expensive restaurant, it doesn’t matter. Before you know it, you end up spending money when you shouldn’t have. You can try to justify it to yourself, but there’s no excuse. You are stupid and weak and rent is still due. Oh well, at least you helped the economy.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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August 5, 2012 · 9:46 am

Missing Your Stop

Taking the bus is a good thing. It’s good for the environment. It’s good for your budget. You just need to know where to jump on and where to hop off. Knowing your stop is essential to taking the bus. If you don’t pay attention to where you are going, how will you know when you get there? Missing your stop is the sign of an amateur, but it happens to everybody. You just have to calm yourself and pretend like it was intentional, that you wanted to walk an extra few blocks back to your stop. Exercise, you know?

Critically Rated at 9/17

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August 3, 2012 · 10:27 am

Taking a Shower and Forgetting Your Towel

Every once in a while you fail to follow your routine, and that can have some serious consequences. Like when you finish your shower and realize that you didn’t bring your fucking towel. Now you have a few options. You can flail you limbs wildly in a vain attempt to shake off the water. You can drip your way out of the bathroom and down the hall until you get to your towel. Or you can use a shit ton of toilet paper to sop off the excess moisture. I often wonder how MacGyver would handle the situation. No matter what, you know your day is going to be shitty when you start off by taking a shower and forgetting your towel.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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August 2, 2012 · 9:34 am

Text Argument

People butt heads. That’s what we do. We fight and argue and try to convince others that we are right and that they are wrong. And we like technology too, so we will engage in bitter battles using typed words. A text argument will have no clear winner. Each person will respond to the other person by using logic and reason, and it will dissolve into personal attacks and bringing up unrelated past events. Someone will resort to name-calling. And then shit really escalates. No one can win a text argument. But it’s fun to try.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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August 1, 2012 · 8:55 am

The Letter “B”

The letter “B” is the second letter of the English alphabet. It’s the second letter you learn after “A” and it’s the first consonant or non-vowel. It’s a strong sounding letter, and if you stutter it sounds quite formidable. “B” sounds like “be” which is a great word, a powerful word. It makes “B” a powerful letter, so it shows up a lot in online conversations. Sometimes they are too lazy to spell out “be”. That extra letter can be a bitch, I guess. Sometimes they use it to give sunglasses to a smiley face. And sometimes it’s just a tybo.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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July 30, 2012 · 7:03 am

The Letter “A”

The letter “A” might just be the most important letter in the English Language. “E” might be the most used letter, but you can’t even begin learning your ABCs without first mastering “A”. In fact, if you can’t grasp, comprehend, or understand the concept of “A”, then you have no business learning English. “A” is one of the few letters that is also a word. It’s an important word too. There’s a big difference between a girl and the girl. “A” kicks off the alphabet, it’s a vowel, it’s a word, it’s symmetrical, it’s what the smart kids want to get in school… it’s a pretty impressive letter that we use all the time. Benjamin Franklin invented the letter “A” for the US constitution, and it’s had a lasting impact on a global scale.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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July 29, 2012 · 10:18 am

Walking Around With Your Backpack Open

You’re in kind of a rush, so you grab your shit and throw it into your backpack and run out the door. When you finally get to your destination and take off your backpack, you realize that it was unzipped the whole time and you were just lucky that you didn’t lose anything. Walking around with your backpack open is a weird feeling. You feel exposed and vulnerable and you wonder why no one said anything to warn you. It’s because people are assholes and they only pretend to be nice to their friends, they couldn’t care less about a douche walking around with his backpack open.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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July 29, 2012 · 10:10 am

An Annoying Buzzing Fly

You finally get the chance to sleep in for the first time in a few weeks. But you can’t. Because a fucking fly keeps buzzing by your head. There is a whole world to explore, but that little fucker wants to fly around your room. He’ll slowly circle around you, occasionally crashing into and trying to escape through the window, before giving up and buzzing by your head again. He knows you are trying to sleep and he’s trying to get you frustrated and keep you awake. An annoying buzzing fly will torture you into insanity.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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July 28, 2012 · 8:32 am

Bills Aren’t Optional

So my roommate is one of my best friends since high school. I’ve known him for more than ten years and have lived with him for five years. He’s the same age as me, give or take a few months. We grew up in the same town, in the same time, with the same people. And somehow he never learned that bills aren’t optional. When the cable company sends you a bill, you have to pay that shit if you want to keep watching TV. That’s how it works. If you want to have a roof over your head, you need to pay fucking rent. I don’t make the rules. But I follow them. Because I like having a roof over my head and I like watching TV.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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July 27, 2012 · 6:58 am

The Last Table in the Restaurant

I work in the service industry and I’m going to tell you a secret: if you go into a sit-down restaurant five minutes before they close, you are scum. You have pissed off the host, the server, the bartender, the busser, the kitchen, and the closing manager. I know you are hungry and that sucks, but I’m tired and want to go home. Or to the bar. Either way, I don’t want to serve you. The cooks don’t want me to serve you either. They started mentally checking out thirty minutes before closing. The host has to stay an extra forty minutes just to smile and thank you for visiting when you leave. The bartender already yelled last call before you got there, so consider yourself lucky if you can get a drink. The manager can’t leave until the bartender leaves, and the bartender can’t leave until the server leaves, and the server can’t leave until your inconsiderate ass does. If it’s late and you just want a bite to eat, get some fast food. If you want to be an asshole, go to a sit-down restaurant five minutes before close. There’s a special spot in Hell reserved for the last table in the restaurant.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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July 26, 2012 · 10:35 am

Waking Up Early On Your Day Off

I typically work six days a week, meaning that I’ll only have one day off to relax. But I can’t relax because I usually have a bunch of neglected errands to run. At the very least, you should be able to sleep in on your day off, but sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you have to set your alarm because you have too much shit to do. Waking up early on your day off sucks. But you’re an adult now and you have to pretend to be responsible. Reality fucking blows. I’d rather sleep in.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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July 26, 2012 · 10:33 am

Lunch Date Conundrum

Going on a date during the day is a bad idea. A first date lunch is the gateway to the Friend Zone. The two of you will munch on salads and make small talk about nothing in particular, and when the date is over you will give her an awkward hug and go your separate ways. It’s much better to have a dinner date. You can have a few drinks and relax. A stroll beneath the moonlight is much more romantic than a hike under the blazing sun. The sun is a cockblocker and the moon is your wingman. Avoid the lunch date conundrum and embrace the night.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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July 25, 2012 · 10:19 am

Your Bed

I love my bed. Especially since I slept on a futon for a few years. I’ve noticed your bed is your sanctuary; it’s the best place in the world. It’s where you feel truly comfortable and at peace and there’s nowhere else like it. When you are stressed out at work or drunk at a party, your natural instinct is to go home and collapse on your bed. You can tell a difference between a hotel bed, or a guestroom bed, or your girlfriend’s bed… nothing compares to your bed. You can change your sheets, your mattress, your entire bedroom and it won’t matter. Your body will naturally adapt and know this new bed is your bed. Some days you don’t want to leave your bed. Those are the best days. Your bed is your bed and there are no substitutes. Love your bed.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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July 24, 2012 · 8:34 am

David Dill Pickle Sunflower Seeds

Calling yourself a baseball fan without liking sunflower seeds is like calling yourself a Republican without owning a gun. It’s essential to be part of the club. Sunflower seeds are a great snack, and David brand seeds are the best. They make a few flavors like Original, Ranch, and BBQ, but one of their lesser known flavors is Dill Pickle. It’s kind of weird idea to have something that’s pickle flavored and not a pickle, but it works. It’s a subtle pickle flavor, but it’s definitely there. It might take a few minutes to get used to the flavor and I can’t see anyone outside of pregnant chicks actually craving them, but if you eat seeds and want a little variety, they aren’t bad.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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