Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

January 11, 2013 · 10:59 am

Trimming Your Nose Hair

Trimming your nose hair is important. I’m only bringing this up because it’s easy to forget. One super long nose hair can be super distracting during a conversation. It’s hard to make eye contact when that thin nose eel is peeking out at me. You’ll remember to do it before a date or a night on the town, but it’s most important to do it before you go to the dentist. He’ll be up close and personal, both him and his assistant studying your facial features in detail, analyzing every flaw and long nose hair is definitely one. So get rid of it.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 10, 2013 · 11:27 am

Space Heaters

If you’re cold and too cheap to turn on the furnace, space heaters are a great alternative. These are portable heaters that you can take from room to room. You just plug it into the wall, turn it on, and it starts to warm up instantly. They are more practical than lighting a fire and are much safer if you don’t have a fireplace. It’s nice to be warm in the winter, just like it’s nice to be cold in the summer. The grass is always greener on the other side, right?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 7, 2013 · 11:01 am

Going To Bed When Other People Are Waking Up

It’s Saturday night until the Sunday sun comes up and you have to take advantage of it. Stay awake and have fun for as long as you can. Your eyelids will become heavy and start drooping but you’ll get your second wind if you avoid sitting still. The goal is to stay awake as long as possible. You want to be going to bed when other people are waking up. That’s a good indicator of having a great night. You want to collapse under the covers when you hear your neighbor leaving for work. You were having fun the whole time he was sleeping, and now you’ll sleep for the whole time he’s working. Life isn’t always fair but sometimes you’re the lucky one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 6, 2013 · 10:14 am

Sneeze

Sometimes you have snot or dust in your nose and you feel a tickle. That tickle starts to grow and it becomes a sneeze. Your lungs deliver a blast of air that sends the snot and dust flying out of your nose and mouth. I’m sure you’ve all seen cartoons where they sniff pepper and it makes them sneeze. That doesn’t really happen. If you sniff pepper you just get a burning sensation like you inhaled Mace. Everyone has a unique sneeze, they are like fingerprints. Some people sneeze once and they’re done. Some people sneeze so many times that you’d think it was their hobby. There are silent sneezers, loud sneezers, spray sneezers, dry sneezers, and sneezers that sound like cats. The worst type of sneeze are the random phlegmers. Those are the powerful ones that come without warning and result in a handful of snot. Just throw it at the first asshole that makes a wisecrack and everybody will be too busy laughing to be disgusted.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 6, 2013 · 10:11 am

The Wrong Date

Putting down the wrong date is inevitable whenever a new year or month rolls around. It’s hard to get used to change. Just when you start getting used to jotting down the month, it changes and you have to remember the new one. You feel dumb when you get the month wrong, but it’s even worse when you get the year wrong and it’s not even January anymore. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s 2013 and you’ll get the hang of it.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 5, 2013 · 11:17 am

Sidewalk Cracks

I’m not really superstitious, but I’m a creature of habit and will occasionally try to avoid stepping on sidewalk cracks. I don’t do it all the time, but sometimes the potential perils of sidewalk crack-stepping will come to mind and I will not be responsible for breaking my mother’s back. The most important thing about avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk is making it look like you’re not trying to avoid them. If someone notices you meticulously avoiding the cracks, they will call you out for your OCD behavior. So you got to adjust your stride nonchalantly and keep it subtle. It’s ok to be crazy as long as nobody thinks you’re crazy.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 5, 2013 · 11:14 am

Driving With Your Blinker On

Some people are inconsiderate of others and never use their turn signals. Some people are idiotic and never turn off their turn signals. People who don’t use their blinkers are just assholes, there really isn’t anything wrong with them aside from being rude. But people who don’t realize they have their blinkers on are unaware and that’s not a good thing when you’re driving a multi-ton hunk of moving metal. You’ll see some old guy drive for miles in the left lane with their left blinker on. How does he not realize that his blinker is on? It flashes lights, it makes an audible noise, it’s pretty fucking obvious. Driving with your blinker on is like wearing a sweatshirt that says Alzheimer’s on it. You’re telling the world that you’re not all there.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 4, 2013 · 11:37 am

Laser Pointers

Laser pointers were the shit when I was ten. I thought that owning a portable red dot would make my life complete. I thought of all the possibilities it would provide me, of all the things that I could point at, of all the movies I could ruin and classes I could disrupt. And then I got one. And I pointed it at things like my friend’s face and my neighbor’s house. And I realized that you could get in trouble for blinding your friend and scaring your neighbors. Laser pointers weren’t as much fun after that. Until the green ones came out when I was a teenager and I thought that owning a portable green dot would make my life complete…

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 2, 2013 · 11:37 am

Not Tipping

It takes a special kind of scum to practice not tipping. You should always tip your server 15%-20%, even if the kitchen fucked up on your burger. It’s not the server’s fault that the kitchen fucked up. The server has to tip out the bartenders, bussers, the food runner, and sometimes the hosts and expo depending on the restaurant. The server can actually lose money if you don’t tip. Don’t go to a fucking sit-down restaurant if you don’t want to tip, it’s as simple as that. Go to McDonald’s if you want to be cheap. Serving is a hard job. It’s something that everybody should try at least once so you can experience how much bullshit a server has to deal with on a shift. Some customers come in with a chip on their shoulder and run you ragged. They suck their soda down faster than you can refill it. They order water and then specify they didn’t want ice when you bring it to the table. They customize an entrée and make it a whole new dish that takes fifteen minutes to ring in and explain to the cooks. They flag you down when you’re helping another table. They’ll ask for ranch then ask for mayo when you drop off the ranch and ask for more hot sauce when you drop off the mayo. And they end their evening by leaving exact change and no tip. Miserable people like to spread their misery to other people. It’s the only thing that makes them feel alive. There’s an old adage that goes something like, “If you want to see a person’s true character, see how they treat the waiter.” Most people are decent, hardworking, polite, respectful… but holy shit, there are some fucking assholes out there. They are the ones who don’t tip and never call their mothers.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 1, 2013 · 9:56 am

New Year’s Day

Congratulations, you made it to another year. Hopefully you wake up with a headache and a hangover and someone lying next to you. That’s usually a good indication of a great New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Day is like hitting the reset button. A new year is a new start. Most people have a list of New Year’s Resolutions like quitting smoking or saving more money. Most people give up by February, but at least you tried to change. It’s not worth much, but it’s worth something. 2013. It’s officially the future. Can we stop doing Gangnam Style now? Please?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 31, 2012 · 10:06 am

New Year’s Eve

Holy shit, it’s the last night of the year! Time to get drunk and reminisce on 2012. New Year’s Eve is one of the most popular holidays. It’s celebrated around the world, across all religions and ages. Everyone is looking for some place to be at midnight. Little kids and old people celebrate quietly at home, while everybody else is at a party, either on the street, in a club, or at somebody’s house.

New Year’s Eve is all about midnight. The whole day is building up to midnight. There are fireworks and champagne and making out at midnight. Everyone asks where you’re going to be at midnight, and the next day everyone asks where you were at midnight. You’re almost never where you wanted to be at midnight. I’ve spent midnight in cars going to bars, I’ve spent it running down the sidewalk trying to get to a party before the ball dropped, I’ve spent it with random semi-friends in strange cities. The problem with NYE is that it’s too overhyped. You want it to be perfect and it never will be. Hollywood lied to you. You’ll never be happy.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 31, 2012 · 10:03 am

Piss on the Toilet Seat

Ladies, I know you get exasperated at constantly having to wipe the piss off the toilet seat. You wonder how it’s even possible to piss on the toilet seat. You know that guys have built-in fire hoses so we can aim, but there’s still piss on the seat. I’m here to tell you that there are two main reasons for pissing on the toilet seat. First off, it might have been the unintentional consequence of splashback. That’s when the force of your stream hitting the toilet water causes some of it to splash back and up onto the toilet seat. The other reason is that morning wood is hard to piss through. It wasn’t intentional. Most guys aren’t trying to piss on the seat, it just happens. If it really bothers you than you should leave the seat up.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 28, 2012 · 9:49 am

Blocking the Escalator

Go to any major city and observe how people move up and down the subway escalators. Both the up and down escalators are divided into two lanes. One lane is for the leisurely and feeble who stand stationary. The other one is the passing lane for the people who have somewhere to be or are impatient. They walk or run up the passing lane. Don’t block the moving lane. If you want to stand, stand on the designated standing side. Blocking the escalator during rush hour could get you killed, especially in New York. Don’t be that idiot blocking the escalator. Take your head out of your ass and pay attention to what everyone else is doing. And get the fuck out of my way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 27, 2012 · 9:57 am

Wearing a Backpack in a Crowded Area

A backpack is a great way to bring a bunch of shit with you. It stays on your shoulders and back so you have your hands free to eat a muffin and use your phone. A lot of people have backpacks and a lot of people forget to take them off around other people. They take up twice as much space and don’t realize it. Wearing a backpack in a crowded area is a great way to make enemies. People seem to forget that they are wearing them and they constantly bump into people and knock things over. They are completely oblivious to how annoying and intrusive a bulging backpack can be. Be respectful and courteous to other people and take off your backpack, especially at a concert or on a crowded bus. Or I’ll punch you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 27, 2012 · 9:50 am

Getting to the Bus Stop and Seeing Your Bus Approaching

One of the worst things about public transportation is waiting for the public transportation. It’s a shitty feeling to get to your bus stop and seeing your bus driving away. But nothing beats getting to the bus stop and seeing your bus approaching. You casually stroll over as the bus starts slowing down, how convenient. You just need to jump on board and find a seat. No muss, no fuss. You have to enjoy those fleeting moments when the universe seems to revolve around you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 26, 2012 · 8:58 am

Lazy Day

A lazy day is even better than a day off. You typically have a few errands and chores to do on your days off. But sometimes you have a day off where you don’t have to do anything, when you can procrastinate and be lazy the whole day. You’ll start by sleeping in a few extra hours. Then you’ll lie in bed reading or surfing the net for a few hours before you get up. You might pour yourself some cereal or stick a Hot Pocket in the microwave because you’re hungry but you’re not going to cook. You don’t take a shower because you’re not planning on impressing anybody. You don’t put on shoes because you’re not even going outside to check the mail. It’s a lazy day and nothing is going to get accomplished by design. It’s a good time to catch up on your TV shows, play a videogame, or watch that movie that you keep putting off. Fighting boredom while sitting on your ass is the epitome of a lazy day and the American way.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 25, 2012 · 12:08 pm

A New Pair of Socks

You walk around all day and your feet suffer as a result. You can get expensive shoes or gel insoles, but sometimes a new pair of socks will make all the difference. Fresh new socks are like sticking your feet into a cloud. Your feet feel fluffy and free. New socks make you want to burn your old ones. But you don’t because your new socks will turn into old socks someday and the beauty of that realization makes you respect the old socks because they were once new socks. New socks are still better though.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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