Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

March 8, 2013 · 10:25 am

Knowing You’re About to Throw Up

You’re waking up the morning after a long night of drinking and you know that something’s not right. Your head is pounding, your stomach is hurting, and your mouth is salivating excessively. You, my friend, are about to throw up. You better hope nobody is using the bathroom because you’re going to spew your guts out any second now. Excessive saliva is the most obvious warning sign. If your mouth starts watering and you have to spit every five seconds then you know that you’re about to yak. Your biggest concern now is just getting to the toilet before you erupt. Knowing you’re about to throw up is a terrible feeling, but at least you have some form of an early warning system to prevent you from puking all over yourself.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 8, 2013 · 10:21 am

Break Room

Most businesses have a break room for their employees. It’s a place to relax before and after your shift, during lunch breaks, and somewhere to hide when you feel like being lazy. Most break rooms have a few tables and chairs; some of the better ones have couches, refrigerators, or TVs. When I worked at Circuit City they had a big screen TV with a PS2 connected to it. There was never anybody on the floor because all the employees were busy playing a never-ending Tekken tournament in the break room. I got paid $9 an hour to get really good at Tekken, I think that technically qualifies me a pro gamer. Break rooms are like high school. It’s where you do most of your socializing with your coworkers, the people that you see almost every day. There’s a hierarchy and there are cliques in the break room. You can’t just sit wherever you want, there are rules here. Unwritten ones.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 7, 2013 · 10:14 am

Gravity Hill

A gravity hill is a place where physics gives up and lets the ghosts fuck shit up. A car will in neutral will roll uphill, defying gravity and the basic laws of nature. Some people will tell you that it’s merely an optical illusion and that you’re on a slight downward slope even though it looks like you’re going uphill. Those people don’t know how to have fun. It’s more interesting to pretend like there is some supernatural or paranormal phenomenon at work. Even if you know that it’s just science, it’s still fun when common sense lies to you and things aren’t what they seem. Every town has a haunted house, but only a few places are lucky enough to have a gravity hill. Use the Google to search for ones in your area and check it out with a few friends (works best while stoned). Approach it with an open mind and have fun.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 5, 2013 · 10:45 am

Courtesy Wave

There are a lot of aggressive drivers on the road these days. You see a lot of people cutting off other cars, following too closely, neglecting their turn signals, and planting the seeds for a road rage tree. There are a lot of dick moves that you can pull that will piss off other drivers. If you cut someone off or almost crash into them, you can erase the tension with a simple courtesy wave. The courtesy wave is an easy way to say sorry for being an asshole or show your appreciation for an act of kindness. That simple hand gesture can save your life, especially if you’re driving in Los Angeles. If someone lets you back out of parking spot during rush hour, you better give them a courtesy wave. The courtesy wave is not an excuse to drive like an asshole, it’s a way to let other drivers know you’re sorry for driving like one.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 5, 2013 · 10:42 am

Stall Man

I am a stall man. I have nothing against urinals. I will use the urinal if I have to. But if I go into a public restroom and have a choice between a stall or a urinal, the stall will win every time. You have a greater sense of privacy. You can take your time and be a little more relaxed, sometimes your peter needs some time to get comfortable before anything starts flowing. There can be a little performance anxiety at the urinal sometimes, especially when other people are waiting in line. It’s kind of weird knowing that other guys are standing around watching and waiting for you to pee. The stall alleviates some of that pressure. Just try not to pee on the seat.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 4, 2013 · 10:42 am

Knocking Something Over and Catching It Before It Falls

You’re talking to your friend and telling a dramatic story using sweeping arm gestures for emphasis when you accidently hit a bottle on the table. It slowly tips over and starts to fall, it’s about to shatter into a million pieces, but then your superpowers activate and you snatch the bottle out of the air with the speed of a mongoose. Knocking something over and catching it before it falls is the closest thing to heroism that most of us will experience. You feel like your quick reflexes averted a disaster. In reality, your clumsiness almost caused an accident. It’s a classic example of being a winner and a loser at the same time. Oh well. No harm, no foul.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 3, 2013 · 9:37 am

Riding Backward on Public Transportation

Riding backward on public transportation makes some people nauseous. Some people can only face the front when they are the bus or train. And that works fine for me. Anyone that can’t handle riding backward on public transportation is a friend of mine. They are less competition. They can only sit in half the seats and that means twice as much seating is available for me. I wish I could feign sympathy, but I secretly relish the fact that you get dizzy facing the opposite direction. I must be a better person than you if I can sit in more places, right?

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 2, 2013 · 8:54 am

Wheelchair Dogs

If you’re feeling down or depressed, you should go on the Internet and watch videos of wheelchair dogs. It will make you feel better. I’m not trying to make fun of paralyzed dogs, I’m trying to point out that dogs are pretty simple creatures. They just want to run around and be loved. And it’s pretty sad when a dog can’t run around and play. That’s why customized wheelchairs for dogs are a good thing. Now Spot can roll around, chasing sticks and other dogs. That wheelchair gave him his life back. He doesn’t care that he’s stuck in a chair, he doesn’t feel sorry for himself, he’s not embarrassed or ashamed… all wants he wants to do is chase that squirrel and now he can.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 1, 2013 · 10:02 am

Hamper

A hamper is a storage bin for your dirty clothes. It’s kind of like a trash can for your wardrobe. You just throw your shirts and socks and underwear in the hamper at the end of the day. After a few weeks it will be overflowing with dirty clothes and you’ll have to do laundry because you have nothing else to wear. You can’t be a functional adult without having a hamper. You can’t keep your used clothes in a heap on the floor or in a trash bag in your closet. Well you can, but you probably won’t get laid anytime soon. So go to the hamper store and buy a hamper if you don’t have a hamper. Then put your dirty clothes in it, then do the laundry when it’s full, and then repeat the process until you die.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 1, 2013 · 10:00 am

ATM Machine

When smart people need money they go to the ATM. When dumb people need money they go to the ATM machine. I lose respect for anyone who says “ATM Machine.” It’s like they are going out of their way to be stupid. ATM usually stands for Automated Teller Machine, so you’re saying Automated Teller Machine Machine and that’s retarded. There is an exception: sometimes ATM stands for “Ass to Mouth.” If that’s the ATM you’re referring to, then it’s ok to say ATM machine. It’s acceptable as long as it’s descriptive and not redundant.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 24, 2013 · 10:05 am

Taking a Picture of Your Shirt in the Mirror

You’re checking Facebook and surfing through all the bullshit events, check ins, status updates, and picture uploads when you notice a picture of your friend modeling a new shirt. She makes a caption about her new shirt and how lucky she was to find it while shopping. But she took the picture in the mirror and it’s backwards. And she looks like a fucking idiot because everything is reversed. I’m glad that you got a new shirt. But I’m amazed that you took the time to pose and focus and adjust the flash and crop the photo and update it as your profile pic, all without noticing that the image is reversed. There’s no excuse for that level of ignorance. Most smartphones have a front and rear facing camera so you don’t need to rely on mirrors to take a self-portrait. You can flip the image on your phone or computer even if it’s backwards. There’s no reason to post anything backwards. But it still happens all the fucking time. I’ve started deleting people from my Facebook for these offenses, and I always make sure to send them a message to let them know how much they suck at life and why they deserve to die an early and painful death. I shouldn’t have to hold my phone up to a mirror to see what your stupid shirt says.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 23, 2013 · 9:28 am

Riding Your Bike on the Sidewalk Next to the Bike Lane

The sidewalk of a major city can be a pretty dangerous place. You have a lot of pedestrians and joggers and skaters and dog walkers and vendors and tourists all fighting for some sidewalk space. And then you’ll also have stupid bikers cruising along the sidewalk mere feet away from the fucking bike lane. I seriously have to refrain myself from shoving a stick through their fucking spokes. You have your own designated lane, a safe haven, a pathway created especially for you and your fucking glorious bicycle. Instead you’re riding your bike on the sidewalk right next to the bike lane. It’s a safe bet to say that you failed at life. You’re the type of person who drives with the left turn signal on for miles on end. You just don’t get it. I know that it might be scary to ride on the street next to the fast, loud and shiny cars, but that’s what you’re supposed to fucking do. So fucking do it. Bikers always bitch about sharing the road but then they try to steal the sidewalk.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 23, 2013 · 9:25 am

Check In

People like to go places and check in on Facebook or Foursquare. It’s a way of making your life seem more interesting than it actually is. Nobody really cares that you’re getting a burger, but everyone will like it if you check in at In-N-Out. People like to check in places and tag friends almost as much as they like Instagramming their food. Someone will do the obligatory check in whenever there’s a small party or get together. Everybody will get tagged except for one person, and they will inevitably comment on the check in to let everyone else know that they were there too. Check ins can be useful. I’ve met up with friends because I’ve seen that they were in the neighborhood. Businesses and establishments like the free advertising. It’s also a great way to tell the Internet that you’re not home so they can totally ransack your house and kill your goldfish. I like to abuse the check in system and tag friends that I’m not with. It can cause chaos and friction when people think that Jon came to town and didn’t tell them personally or even try to hang out. Then they’ll think that Jon’s a jerk and get mad at him. And I just laugh and laugh and laugh some more.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 22, 2013 · 6:20 am

Forgetting Somebody’s Name

You’re at a small party and you’re enjoying yourself, making small talk and shooting the shit, and a new person enters the conversation. He looks familiar, you know that you’ve met him a few times before, but you can’t remember his name and you know that you should. It’s something like Arthur or Ben or Dan, something boring like that, but you can’t be sure. Forgetting somebody’s name is inevitable, you meet a lot of people and a lot of people are forgettable. But you seem like a jerk when they remember your name and you can’t remember theirs. You can always resort to calling them friendly nicknames like “Buddy” or “Guy” or something. Sometimes you’ll be hanging out with a friend and bump into a forgotten acquaintance, and have to stumble your way through an awkward introduction. Hopefully your friend will introduce himself before you have to admit you forgot the other guy existed. Forgetting somebody’s name is still better than pronouncing a name wrong though.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 21, 2013 · 12:17 pm

Calling the Wrong Person

In the old days you used to have to memorize phone numbers or carry around a piece of paper with all your contacts. Now you can just store everybody’s number in your cellphone and call them instantly. Or text them if you don’t want to hear their voice. The problem is that most people have duplicate names and entries in their phones. Sometimes they got a new number and you didn’t delete the old one, sometimes you made a new friend when you were drunk that you forgot about when you were sober, and sometimes you just know a bunch of people with the same damn name. I have like seven Jessicas in my phone and I only talk to three of them. Where did the extra Jessicas come from? And why do I always dial the wrong Jessica? Calling the wrong person is a problem that has plagued phones since the beginning. The smartest and most advanced technology is still vulnerable to human error. Calling the wrong person is eventually inevitable. Just act like you meant to call them to catch up, and then you can call the real target. And make sure you get the number right this time.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 21, 2013 · 12:15 pm

Snot Rocket

Snot Rockets are the answer to many of life’s questions. Need to blow your nose but don’t have any Kleenex handy? Snot rocket. Need to impress a girl but don’t know how? Snot rocket. A snot rocket is a glob of mucus that you launch from your nose. It’s a liquid booger projectile that can be used as a biological weapon. Aim at your enemies and fire. Hopefully they’ll be too disgusted to sock you in the face. There are many YouTube instructional videos if you want to learn how to harness your phlegm and become good at it. Someday you could be like Madison Bumgarner, a snot rocketeer and two-time World Series Champion.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 20, 2013 · 10:20 am

Spare Key

I have a key to my front door that I keep in my pocket at all times. And I have a spare key in case I ever lose my main key. The problem is that I keep the spare key in my bedroom. So if I’m ever locked out of my house I would have to break in to get to the spare key. That kind of defeats the point of having the spare key. It’s like keeping an extra car key in the glove box. On one level it makes sense, and on the other level it’s fucking retarded. They should make backup spare keys so that you can get to your spare key in case you lose your main key. But then where would you keep your backup spare key? Probably right next to your spare key. On one level it makes sense…

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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