Tag Archives: bicycle

Riding a Bike With No Hands

When you’re a kid riding a bike with no hands is a big deal. It was the first trick you mastered after taking off the training wheels. Riding with no hands meant you were in total control. And it made you look cool. You were a badass and you knew it.

But as you grow up, riding a bike with no hands starts to become lame. An seven-year-old riding a bike with no hands is impressive. A twenty-seven-year-old riding a bike with no hands is the definition of douchey. The general rule of thumb is that you should keep your hands on the handlebars unless you’re crossing the finish line of the Tour de France in first place. As a society I feel we should leave riding bikes with no hands to the kids.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bike Messengers

Sometimes you need to send a package across the city and FedEx and UPS aren’t fast enough. That’s when you need a bike messenger. A bike messenger is fearless. He or she will take your package/documents/illegal drugs across town during rush hour, weaving in and out of traffic, dodging cars and pedestrians and suddenly opening doors. They fly down hills, they ride on curbs, they yell at taxi drivers blocking the bike lane, and they mockingly bark back at angry dogs. Bike messengers have an exhilarating, fast-paced job that doesn’t pay well or provide a lot of benefits, but it seems to be a lifestyle unto its own. They have their own culture, their own lingo, and they even have their own movie starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I haven’t seen Premium Rush, but I’m sure some people have and that most of them are probably bike messengers.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tandem Bike

A tandem bike is a bike that is designed to be ridden by two or more people. Most tandem bikes are for two riders, but the world record holder fits thirty-five people. That’s a lot of hippies. Seating is an important consideration when riding on a tandem bike. You should always try to sit in the back. The person in the front seat has to steer and peddle continuously. If you’re in the second seat, you can stop peddling once you get enough momentum. As long as the person in front doesn’t notice, you’re free to relax and enjoy the scenery. Every now and then you will see a guy riding a tandem bike by himself. He is either the loneliest person on the planet or his friend fell off. It doesn’t matter which one it is, you’re still required to point a finger and make fun of him.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Riding Your Bike on the Sidewalk Next to the Bike Lane

The sidewalk of a major city can be a pretty dangerous place. You have a lot of pedestrians and joggers and skaters and dog walkers and vendors and tourists all fighting for some sidewalk space. And then you’ll also have stupid bikers cruising along the sidewalk mere feet away from the fucking bike lane. I seriously have to refrain myself from shoving a stick through their fucking spokes. You have your own designated lane, a safe haven, a pathway created especially for you and your fucking glorious bicycle. Instead you’re riding your bike on the sidewalk right next to the bike lane. It’s a safe bet to say that you failed at life. You’re the type of person who drives with the left turn signal on for miles on end. You just don’t get it. I know that it might be scary to ride on the street next to the fast, loud and shiny cars, but that’s what you’re supposed to fucking do. So fucking do it. Bikers always bitch about sharing the road but then they try to steal the sidewalk.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Riding a Bike with Your Helmet on the Handlebars

People who ride bicycles in major cities have to be fearless. Stop signs are optional and coming to a complete stop is a sign of weakness. It’s a good idea to wear a helmet if you are going to risk your life that that, and so a lot of people protect their noggin. Some people decide to live on the wild side and don’t wear helmets. And some idiots buy helmets and just sling them on their handlebars. You are an idiot for riding a bike with your helmet of the handlebars. You have a helmet, you have it with you, you are on your bike… you should fucking put it on. It’s common sense. I hope your helmet strap gets caught in your front wheel and you die. If you have a helmet, fucking use it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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