Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

June 27, 2013 · 10:23 am

Taking Up Smoking

I’ve decided to take up smoking. I’m not trying to look cool, I’m not trying to influence any kids to do the same, and I’m not trying to impress anyone. Nope, I’m taking up smoking in order to get more breaks at work. I live in San Francisco and there are a lot of strict labor laws. I only get a thirty-minute break every 6 hours. My managers will raise a stink if they catch me sitting down in the break room while I’m on the clock. But I’ve noticed that smokers get an unofficial 5-10 minute break every hour without getting in any trouble. I want to get in on that action. I want to get paid for ignoring my customers, filling my lungs with smoke, and polluting the planet all at once. I think I would be good at that. So I bought a pack of cloves (because cigarettes aren’t hipster enough) and now I’m able to take breaks whenever I want to. And life has never been better. I wonder what other substances I can consume at work to make the time go faster…. Drugs are bad.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 25, 2013 · 9:27 am

Clapping After the Movie

Banging your hands together in a rhythmic fashion is an awesome way to display your appreciation for a concert or a play. It provides the performers with instant feedback, and it lets them know that you appreciated what they are doing. But clapping after a movie is weird. The actors can’t hear you. The director can’t hear you. None of the producers, or screenwriters, or extras can fucking hear you. So why are you clapping? You clap because you’ve approved and appreciated what the artists have labored to create. Even if they can’t hear you, you can still acknowledge that they influenced you. So you slap your hands together a few times. Even if they don’t get the message, you are still saying THANKS!

            Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 24, 2013 · 9:56 am

Accents

I’m a big fan of accents. They tell a story. They tell you where the person came from, if they speak another language, and different regions have different speech patterns and different sounds so you can learn a lot from their vocal nuances. I like southern accents and English accents, but the best accents are from people who speak English as a second language. Language is like music and accents are like different instruments. You don’t always want to hear the same song on the piano. Sometimes you want it to be played on the guitar, or banged out on the drums, or tooted from a saxophone. When you hear a particularly delicious accent, you immediately want to emulate it. You want to hear that sound roll off your own tongue; you want to experience it too. So don’t be offended if you have an accent and I’m constantly copying you and asking you to repeat particular phrases. I’m not making fun of you. I like the way you talk and I wish you’d talk some more. Especially if you have a mysterious European accent.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 23, 2013 · 10:57 am

Typing On Your Phone with One Finger

I was at the baseball game the other day, and I noticed the middle-aged woman sitting right in front of me was on her iPhone for most of the game. She was taking pictures and uploading them to Facebook, constantly updating her status, responding to all the lame comments that her lame friends were making about her lames pictures, and she spent a good solid 9 innings glued to her fucking phone. None of that shit bothered me. What bothered me was the fact that she was only using her pointer finger to type everything. She was moving at a snail’s pace. My grandma can type faster than her. My grandma knows to turn the phone sideways and to use two thumbs. I know you might be a little clueless on technology, but that has nothing to do with a lack of common sense. Typing on your phone with one finger is stupidly wrong. I don’t like to use the word retarded, but that’s what it is. You are fucking retarded if you’re typing with just your index finger. The only acceptable reason for typing on your phone with one finger is if you only have one finger. If you have thumbs, you should use those. Your phone’s keyboard was fucking designed for your fucking thumbs. If you don’t know how to use your phone, you don’t deserve your phone.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 21, 2013 · 10:30 am

My Facial Cyst

So a few months ago I noticed a bump on my cheek that looked like a big zit. I tried to pop it unsuccessfully a few times, I tried different types of pimple cream, and I slowly realized that it wasn’t going away. Plus a lot of people were asking me what was wrong with my face. So I finally caved and did the smart thing and called a dermatologist. I made an appointment, hung out in the waiting room, and then got summoned to his office. He took one look at my cheek and said it was a sebaceous cyst, and that he would remove it for me. I laid back, he put some anesthetic on my face and he popped that fucker. I feel the pressure instantly dissipate as the pus and blood drained from my cheek. That part was oddly satisfying. Then he had to scrape out the cystic sack so that it wouldn’t fill up again. That part sucked. He pushed and squeezed on my face while poking and prodding and cutting away the cystic sack. It was painfully uncomfortable. But the whole procedure only took about fifteen minutes, and it was over fairly quickly. He called in his nurse/assistant lady and told her that it was the largest facial cyst that he’s ever removed. I actually felt kind of proud of that fact… this is a 60-year-old doctor with over thirty years of experience in a major US city, and my facial cyst was a milestone in his career. I’ll be talked about at boring staff Christmas parties thrown at his office for the next several years. He got a story, and I got my face back. Fair trade.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 18, 2013 · 8:23 am

Using a Shirt as a Seat Cover

Some people are fond of using an old T-shirt as a seat cover in their car. Some people need to stop doing that. The only thing that you should use as a seat cover is an actual seat cover. A T-shirt seat cover freaks me out. I always notice it out of the corner of my eye, and I think that there’s somebody just sitting in the car watching me and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. There’s no reason to use a shirt as a seat cover. You might think that you’re being artsy and resourceful, everyone else thinks that you’re tacky and cheap. And they are right. It’s a great way to bring down the retail value of a car. Imagine a brand new red Ferrari, straight off the lot. Now imagine that same Ferrari, but with a ratty old shirt as a seat cover. It goes from being an awesome car to a being a joke. It’s social suicide and it needs to stop. Make sure everyone gets the memo.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 18, 2013 · 8:21 am

Glare in Your Eyes

It’s still relatively early in the morning and you have some down time, so you bust out your tablet or smart phone. You want to catch up on the news, but the sun has other ideas, and it decides to reflect off your screen and leave a glare in your eyes. You’ll try blocking the sunlight with your free hand, you’ll trying moving around, but you can’t do anything to escape the solar rays. The anti-glare screen protector doesn’t seem to be doing its job, based on the fact that you’re slowly going blind. You’ll struggle your way past the glare, because anything is better than putting your electronic device away and acknowledging that the people around you actually exist.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 16, 2013 · 8:08 am

Father’s Day (day, not the shitty movie)

Today is Father’s Day, a day in which you honor your father by giving him a necktie that he will never wear. Most families have their own Father’s Day traditions, like eating at a moderately priced restaurant, going to the movies, fishing or hunting, or simply going for a drive. It’s just a day to let your pops know that you’re glad he put his penis in your mom and ejaculated all those years ago. You can also thank him for raising you, supporting you financially, and for putting up with all the bullshit things you did growing up. Father’s Day can also be a sore subject for some people. Some people can’t celebrate it, some people don’t want to. But if you have a chance (or even the slightest inkling), you should call your dad and have a chat.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 15, 2013 · 8:59 am

Trying to Sleep When You Know You Can’t

Tomorrow is a big day. Maybe you have an important presentation at work, maybe you’re meeting up with an old friend, maybe you have to get up early for a flight, and so you decide that you’ll be responsible and go to bed early. You get into bed, close your eyes, and wait to drift off to sleep. But sleep’s not coming. You start tossing and turning, your mind starts racing, and you glance at the time and realize it’s been two and half hours and your brain’s still not shutting down. You try counting sheep, but give up once you hit a thousand. As the night slips away, you get more and more anxious. You start to panic, you start to get mad at yourself for not being able to sleep, you start dreading about how tired you’re going to be the next day. Trying to sleep when you know you can’t is a frustrating exercise in futility. Don’t try to force yourself to sleep because you will go crazy. Sleep is like a sexy lady: the more desperate you are to get it, the more she plays hard to get. It’s only when you give up and play it cool that she creeps up on you and you get some… I wish sexy ladies were more like sleep.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 14, 2013 · 10:16 am

A Blank Page

A blank page is opportunity. It’s a new chance, a clean slate, a new beginning. You can use the space however you want, and create what ever you want. You can draw, you can write, you can make a paper airplane. A blank page is potential. A blank page can change the world. The Declaration of Independence was once a mere piece of parchment.  The founding fathers could have just have easily used that blank page to wipe their asses. A blank page can be used for anything. For example, I had no idea what I would initially write about when I first opened a blank page, and I ended up writing about a blank page. And as I started writing, it stopped being a blank page. Each letter, each sentence becomes an intrepid explorer, venturing further and further into the unknown. Who knew where we would end up? On second thought, maybe I should have used this blank page to wipe my ass. It’s pretty shitty already.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 13, 2013 · 10:15 am

Forgetting Why You Requested Time Off

Every once in a while when my work schedule is posted, I’ll notice that I have a few consecutive days off. I work 5-6 days a week, so that usually means that I requested the time off for something. But I don’t always remember why I requested it off. My boss requires a few weeks notification for time off requests, and I don’t have a planner/datebook/calendar to keep track of important dates, and Facebook usually handles my appointments, so it will occasionally slip my mind if there’s not an FB event for it. But Facebook can still come to the rescue for when you forget why you request time off. All you have to do is make a status and say: “I requested July 5-8 off, and I can’t remember why.” Before you know it, you’ll have five responses reminding you about the camping trip that you planned at the bar. And it’s like a bonus vacation from your drunk self. Forgetting why you requested time off sucks, but at least you have time off now. Even if you can’t remember what you were supposed to do, you could always do something else instead. A vacation is a vacation, and a vacation always beats work.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 9, 2013 · 9:48 am

Your Friend’s Annoying Girlfriend

You’re bored and have the day off, so you start going through your contacts looking for someone to hang out with. You come across the number of a friend that you haven’t seen in a while, and you’re about to call him when you suddenly remember his annoying girlfriend and you realize you’d rather stay home on a Saturday night than deal with her bitch ass. Everybody has a good friend that they don’t ever want to hang out with because of his lame girlfriend who can’t keep her mouth shut. She will constantly start bullshit arguments with you, and she expects her boyfriend to take her side (and he does, because pussy does that to you). She always has to interject and voice her opinion about something she doesn’t know anything about. You just want to grab a brew, watch the game, and catch up, but she’s intent on destroying your friendship for some twisted reason that’s known only to her. Most of your friends have cool girlfriends, but there’s always one Super Cunt who has a life ambition to prevent people from having fun. You wonder what your friend sees in her. Then you notice her rack. That’s why.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 8, 2013 · 8:12 am

The Eleventh Hour

The eleventh hour is an expression referring to the last possible minute to do something. The eleventh hour is your last chance to accomplish something before the day is over and your time is up. Some people look at it as a deadline or as an obstruction. It’s really a challenge, a motivation to get the job done. Nobody wants to fail. And when the clock is ticking, some people falter and others rise to the occasion. I prefer the latter. This post was written in the eleventh hour. I didn’t know what else to write about, so I chose an obscure phrase to describe my predicament. But it worked and now I can rest easy knowing that I wrote another blog that nobody will ever read.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 6, 2013 · 9:49 am

Forgetting About Your Laundry

You finally have a day off and a chance to wash that heap of dirty clothes in the corner of your room. You separate the colors and collect all the stray socks scattered around your room and throw it all in the washing machine. You’re not going to sit by the washer for thirty minutes, so you start doing a bunch of random things to kill time. You’ll tidy up around the house, you’ll watch TV, and surf the net. Then you’ll glance at the time and suddenly remember your laundry in a panic. It’s not a big deal if you have your own washer and dryer, but if you’re a schlub like me, you have to book it up to the Laundromat before someone throws your shit on the ground. Luckily, most of the time I realize that I forgot about it within a few minutes. But I know people who left their clothes at the Laundromat overnight. And then they had to buy a whole new wardrobe because all their clothes mysteriously vanished. That’s why you shouldn’t make a habit of forgetting about your laundry.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 3, 2013 · 10:08 am

Farmer’s Market

A farmer’s market is a community event where farmers sell their fruits and veggies directly to the consumer. They take over a few city streets, they set up some tents and booths, and you get to casually stroll it all, enjoying the sunshine and fresh produce. There are usually a few food tents selling barbeque and kettle corn, there are always a few merchants selling tacky jewelry and ugly artwork, and the inevitable mediocre band playing country versions of old rock songs. There is usually a designated day of the week for the farmer’s market, it’s not open all the time. That’s part of the appeal. It’s not something that you get to experience every day. A peach that you get from the grocery store is boring, but a peach that you get from the famer’s market will be the best thing you’ve ever tasted. It will make you happy. You deserve to be happy.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 1, 2013 · 9:53 am

Spontaneous

You can never plan on having a good time, it just has to happen. Sure, you can plan a vacation to Disneyland or save money for a week in Paris, but those trips will never be as fun as a spur-of-the-moment weekend camping trip. Whenever you plan an event or party you stress out over the invitations, the entertainment, the food, the drinks… there’s a lot of time and effort involved in making the event a success, but something always goes wrong. You expect the things that you plan to be perfect and they never will be. That’s why your birthday usually sucks. That’s why New Year’s Eve usually sucks.  But you live in the moment when you don’t plan things out. You enjoy life more when you just go with the flow and roll with it. There are times when you go out for a drink and it turns into something special. A quick decision to take the bus instead of driving can change your whole life. The funniest things you say come from the top of your head; a gem of joke will pop out of your mouth that is funnier than anything you’ve ever heard. It’s fun not knowing what you will do or say next. It’s good to have a life plan, but I like living day to day, moment to moment. Spontaneity is a blessing. Embrace it. Just don’t spontaneously combust.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 28, 2013 · 9:03 am

Sucking Up Houseflies

I came home the other day and noticed that there were seven flies buzzing around my kitchen. They were bumbling and bumping into the window, desperately trying to find a way out. I took it upon myself to give them a way out, and I’m not talking about opening a window. I looked around for an old newspaper or magazine to roll up, and then my roommate’s brand new DustBuster caught my eye. Basic math will tell you that a DustBuster + Household Pests = Sucking Up Houseflies. It’s just as fast as swatting them with a newspaper and it won’t leave fly corpses on the floor or any blood smears on the wall. I can’t quite call it humane, but it’s less violent and that’s gotta be worth something. The DustBuster is bagless, so those fuckers are just chilling in the tank, trapped like prisoners in an inescapable cell. Let this be a warning to all the other flies, bugs, spiders, and pests in the world. Don’t fuck with me or I’ll DustBust your ass too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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