Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

June 5, 2014 · 1:30 pm

A Good Wake Up Call

I had a cyst removed from my cheek about a week ago. It was about the size of a marble, which doesn’t sound very impressive until you realize that it came from my face. They cut it out, put it in a jar, and sent it out for a biopsy to make sure that it wasn’t cancerous. I wasn’t too worried about it, but it was on the back of my mind for a few long days. Well, I woke up this morning to my phone ringing from a number that I didn’t recognize. I groggily answered it. A woman’s cheery voice informed me that they got the test results back and they were negative. My cyst was just a cyst and nothing more. I thanked her, hung up, and smiled. That was a pretty damn good wake up call. The best way to wake up is to find out that you don’t have cancer. Not all days start off with great news like that. I’ll take it.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 4, 2014 · 10:32 pm

Bus Stop Fidgeter

You’re on the bus or train going home during rush hour and every seat is filled. All you can do is stand in the aisle and wait for somebody to get up, get off, and vacate their seat so that you can claim it. You’re aware of every movement that everyone makes. You notice that there’s one guy sitting down who grabs his suitcase and clasps his jacket shut at each stop. He looks like he’s about to get off but he never does. He’s a bus stop fidgeter, and he’s a terrible passenger because he doesn’t know that he sucks at riding the bus. When you’re on public transportation every movement you make has to have a purpose. You have to indicate to the other passengers what your intentions are. If you’re getting off soon, you should have overly spastic movements to let other passengers know that you’ll be getting off soon. You should be as still as possible if you’re going to be riding the bus for a while. It’s common sense. But some people just don’t have it. Stop twitching. Be deliberate. Don’t be a bus stop fidgeter.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 4, 2014 · 10:31 pm

Slipping On a Banana Peel

Watch any old funny movie or comedic TV show and it’s practically guaranteed that somebody will end up slipping on a banana peel and fall on their ass. It’s one of the oldest gags in the book. It’s comical. It’s unlikely. But it does happen in real life. I’ve personally witnessed it. I saw a girl slip on a discarded banana peel that was left on the sidewalk. She fell down and she fell down hard. It was hysterically gratifying. You don’t think that it happens but it does. Slipping on a banana peel is an actual possibility. Be aware. You don’t want to die of losing traction from the remnants of a fruit. That would be a terrible way to go out and would be a terrible addition to your tombstone inscription. Nobody can feel bad for you because they’d be laughing too hard.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 31, 2014 · 10:04 am

The Spider In My Sheets

A few years ago I woke up with a bug bite on the side of my neck. I didn’t think much of it until I woke up the next morning with another new bug bite on my cheek. That’s when I knew something was wrong. It didn’t take me long to find out what was attacking me. I pulled back my comforter and discovered a fat brown spider had taken up residence in between my top sheet and the comforter. That little fucker was feasting on my flesh while I slept. Most of the time I capture any stray spiders or insects with a cup and throw them out the window. I didn’t do that this time. I got a piece of tissue, picked that bastard up, and squished him. I had to kill him. He deserved it. I don’t feel any remorse, that fucker brought it on himself. I still check between the sheets before going to bed to this day. I’m not scared, just a little wary. You would be too if you ever had a spider in your bed.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 31, 2014 · 10:03 am

Facebook Name Changers

It seems like every couple of weeks one of my friends on Facebook changes their name for some reason or other. Those Facebook name changers make my newsfeed a lot more interesting. I’ll check my FB when I wake up and see a name that I don’t recognize. It makes me wonder if I was drunkenly adding people the night before. Then I click on their link and realize that it’s an old friend trying to mix things up. I don’t get it. If Facebook is getting boring, then change your profile picture. You don’t need to change your name. That’s just going to confuse everybody. Nobody wants to be confused. They want to be in control. But you can’t control Facebook name changers. You can only bitch about them and wonder why they did this to you. Or you can blog about it. That’s what I did. Or you can read a blog about it. That’s what you did.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 28, 2014 · 9:03 am

Walking Into a Glass Door

Want to be the life of the party? All you have to do is walk into a clear glass door in front of everybody. Everyone will laugh and cheer and point at you. It will be all they talk about the next day. It will be the only thing they remember about that party twenty years from now. Nobody will let you live it down. You’ll be that guy who walked into a clear glass door for the rest of your life. Walking into a clear glass door is a great way to achieve immortality. Your head might hurt for a minute, but your legacy will never die. Oh well, it’s better to be remembered for something stupid than to be forgotten by everybody. Own up to it and embrace it.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 28, 2014 · 9:02 am

Naming a Pet

Naming a pet is an art form. Sometimes you can have a name already in your head, and you’re lucky that it fits when you finally pick up your new puppy. But the best way to name a pet is to have it for a few days before selecting a name that matches its personality. A few years ago my family got a new dog. He was an overly friendly and playful Black Lab/Bernese Mountain Dog mix. We spent four days watching him sleep, eat, and play. One of us would come up with a name and we would test it out, but nothing was clicking. We went through hundreds, maybe thousands of names that we all systematically rejected before I glanced over at our DVD collection, saw Star Wars, and suggested Chewbacca. My sisters screamed back, “CHEWY!” and the dog got its name. It probably helped that he was munching on a shoe at the time. He earned his name. He deserved his name. And he lived up to his name. Not all pets are so lucky. I have a friend who adopted a chubby Chihuahua named Meatball and she renamed him Cooper. That poor pup now has the most ill-fitting name of all time. If that’s not animal abuse, I don’t know what is.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 27, 2014 · 10:55 am

Sunscreen Protection Day

May 27th is Sunscreen Protection Day, a holiday that reminds you that the sun is actively trying to kill you with cancer rays. Not only does sunscreen block danger ultraviolet rays, it helps to keep your skin from aging. Nobody wants sunspots and wrinkles. Sunscreen was invented by a guy named Franz Greiter in 1946. Before that, people simply didn’t go outside. The invention of sunscreen that allowed people to leave their caves for the first time. Sunscreen is directly responsible for agriculture and the Industrial Revolution. These are the important facts that they didn’t even try to teach you in school. Make sure you celebrate Sunscreen Protection Day by rocking some SPF. Anything above 15 should suffice.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 26, 2014 · 10:04 am

The Wave

The wave is a celebratory gesture typically performed by spectators at a sporting event. A group of people stand up, raise their arms, yell and scream, then sit back down as the people next to them rise up and do the same, the people next to them do it too, and so on and so forth. The end result looks like a rolling wave as the spectators rise and fall as the movement goes around the stadium. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been a part of a wave. I’m ashamed to admit that I thought it was fun. But now a few years have passed and I realize how amateur it really was. Real fans don’t do the wave. They are too involved with actually watching the game (and heckling, but that’s a different story). I was at an SF Giants game the other night and there were a couple of girls sitting behind me trying to start the wave. I turned around and told them to save it for Dodger Stadium. Suffice to say, they sat down and shut up and I saved the night for everybody. I restored the reputation of Giants fans everywhere. I consider myself a hero. The wave looks enticing, but be weary. It’s best to stay in your seat and scold the contributors. Be a real fan. Respect your team. Don’t do the wave.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 23, 2014 · 9:59 am

Morning People

Some people wake up feeling happy, refreshed, energized, and ready to start the day. They are called morning people, and I hate them. Their cheery demeanor pisses me off because I need two cups of coffee before I start to function. Morning people spring out of bed ready to seize the day. Morning people are always annoying, but they reach their peak annoyance levels on Mondays. Something about chipper morning people at the start of the week gets under your skin, filling your heart with hate and your head with rage. The only way to avoid morning people is to sleep in past noon. If you never experience mornings, you never have to deal with morning people.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 23, 2014 · 9:58 am

Walking Contest

A few years ago I went out to lunch with my roommate. We didn’t have any particular place in mind, so we started walking a few blocks towards the cluster of restaurants near our house. We walked past a few places, discussing and dismissing each potential place to eat. We reached the end of that stretch of restaurants and decided to keep walking to the next batch of restaurants a half-mile away. None of those places were satisfactory either, so we kept on walking. It was somewhere around this moment that our quest for lunch became an informal walking contest, and we both intended to win it. We walked and we walked and we walked some more. What was supposed to be a quick stroll for a bite to eat turned into an epic competition. We walked for two and half hours before we realized that we were both too proud to concede victory to each other. We gave up at the same time, and got a burrito to celebrate. And then we realized that we were a few miles from home and still had to walk back. That was the first and last time we ever had a walking contest. I would do it again, I would just make sure that I have a ride back.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 22, 2014 · 12:21 pm

Shoes on Power Lines

All across the US you’ll find pairs of old shoes dangling from power lines, telephone wires, and trees. You’re more likely to find them in the city than the suburbs, but they are everywhere. You just have to look up to see them. There are lots of theories and superstitions about shoes on power lines. Some people claim it’s how gangs make their territory or honor fallen homies. Some people say it’s an indicator of drug dealers. Some people think bullies use them to taunt their victims. Some people believe it’s a celebration for losing their virginity or graduating. The truth is simpler than that. People want to be remembered. It’s why we write stuff on bathroom stalls or carve our names into desks. Throwing your shoes on power lines is just a fun way of leaving your mark on the world. That’s why my old kicks are hanging outside my first apartment in Isla Vista. I had to say goodbye somehow, so why not toss them into the sky?

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 21, 2014 · 11:33 am

National Waiters and Waitresses Day

May 21st is National Waiters and Waitresses Day. It’s not as esteemed as Mother’s Day or Secretary’s Day, but it’s still a day to acknowledge the simple fact that your server is a person and deserves a little respect. How much respect? Preferably 20%. But they wouldn’t mind more. I’m a server and I love what I do. I meet people from all over the world, I work with some of the coolest and craziest motherfuckers I’ve ever met, and I don’t dread going to work. It’s fun, it’s fast paced, and every shift ends with cash in my pocket. I don’t have to wait two weeks for a paycheck because every day is pay day. I’ve grown accustomed to the server lifestyle. The industry gets in your blood. We deserve a holiday of our own, but we are willing to share. May 21st is also National Memo Day, so make a note of that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 20, 2014 · 12:05 pm

Dog Farts

Dog farts are the most acceptable type of fart. If a person farts around you, it’s easy to get offended or disgusted. But if a dog farts around you, you simply groan and push him away. You might not even push him away. A dog fart is distinctive too. You can tell right away that it’s a dog fart and not a people fart. Dog farts still stink, but they don’t smell as bad as a people fart. Maybe it’s because dogs don’t eat broccoli smothered with melted cheese. I’m not saying that I enjoy dog farts, but if something’s got to fart around me I would prefer it to be a dog.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 20, 2014 · 12:04 pm

Don’t Step In Any Liquid On City Streets

So you’re going to the city for a night. You get all dressed up and ready for a fun night on the town. But before you go out, let me give you some advice: don’t step in any liquid on city streets. Because it’s probably not water. It’s probably piss. People piss outside all the time. Homeless people, drunk people, and people who just can’t hold it in anymore all treat the city like it’s giant toilet. Yeah, it’s gross. Yeah, it’s disgusting. But that’s how it is and you can’t change it. All you can do is try to avoid stepping into any mysterious puddles or streams on the sidewalk.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 19, 2014 · 9:01 am

Your Friend’s Attractive Girlfriend

Everyone has one friend with a really hot girlfriend. Like way hot. And everyone secretly wonders how he got her. Because she’s so hot. And she’s funny. And she’s smart. And she laughs at your jokes. And you think that she kinda likes you. And that maybe you should ask her out. And then you remember that she’s your friend’s girlfriend and you feel like a douchebag. She’s just so hot though. God dammit. Your friend’s attractive girlfriend is like artwork in a museum. You can look, but you can’t touch. Only make sure that your friend doesn’t catch you looking and have an excuse ready if he does.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 18, 2014 · 5:24 am

My Concussion

I got a concussion when I was in third grade. We were playing Capture the Flag in gym class and I was in jail waiting for a teammate to tag me and set me free. Now at this point I need to mention that I was the shortest kid in my glass. I was tiny. And the biggest kid in my class was on my team, and he took up the challenge of freeing me. He ran full speed into me, basically clotheslining me and sending me flying backwards. I landed on my back and slammed my head on the blacktop. I laid there dazed for a minute or two before I slowly got up and stumbled over to the teacher. She sent me to the school nurse and I stayed there for about half an hour before I went back to class. After gym class was Sustained Silent Reading, and that’s when I knew something was wrong. I was reading my book and my vision was blurry and out of focus. The words were moving and shifting around and I started to get a headache. I was eight years old. I never had a headache before. I didn’t know what they felt like. I didn’t know what was happening. Needless to say that it freaked me out. I knew that I was hurt, but I didn’t know why. I just chalked it up to banging my head and didn’t mention it to anyone. I survived the school day and my head started to feel normal after a day or two. About a week after the incident, my mom nonchalantly mentioned that I experienced a minor concussion, but nobody told me about it because they didn’t want me to worry about it. I was actually proud that I got a concussion. I thought it only happened to football players and I felt like I accomplished something. After all, not everybody gets to experience a brain injury. Lucky me.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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