Tag Archives: bite

The Spider In My Sheets

A few years ago I woke up with a bug bite on the side of my neck. I didn’t think much of it until I woke up the next morning with another new bug bite on my cheek. That’s when I knew something was wrong. It didn’t take me long to find out what was attacking me. I pulled back my comforter and discovered a fat brown spider had taken up residence in between my top sheet and the comforter. That little fucker was feasting on my flesh while I slept. Most of the time I capture any stray spiders or insects with a cup and throw them out the window. I didn’t do that this time. I got a piece of tissue, picked that bastard up, and squished him. I had to kill him. He deserved it. I don’t feel any remorse, that fucker brought it on himself. I still check between the sheets before going to bed to this day. I’m not scared, just a little wary. You would be too if you ever had a spider in your bed.

Critically Rated at 4/17

wolf spider

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Biting Your Tongue

            Your tongue lives in your mouth fulltime. You eat and drink and talk all the fucking time without biting your tongue. But every few years you will randomly bite your tongue. It’s a horrible feeling when your hard tooth punctures your soft tongue. It hurts like a motherfucker, you’ll see stars, blood will start gushing, and you wont be able to do anything but whimper and groan. You always feel the need to share the fact that you just bit your tongue with the people around you. They don’t care, but they will pretend to sympathize with you. Biting your tongue is a stupid inevitability. You can’t avoid it. Everyone will be the idiot who bit his tongue at some point in their lives. Hopefully you won’t bite it all the way off like my friend did the other night (totally worth it though).

            Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants