Monthly Archives: February 2013

February 11, 2013 · 10:37 am

Silly Putty

Silly Putty is like a more extreme version of Play-Doh. You can mold it into different shapes, but you can also bounce it, stretch it, and even copy newspaper ink. You can fold it over itself and create little air pockets that have a satisfying snapping sound when you pop them. You can use it to fingerprint yourself and then stretch it out to enlarge it. They have a flesh-toned color one that you can use to make you chin look bigger, or have an extra finger, or forgot to zip up your fly. It comes in a little egg shaped container and that’s where it lives when you’re not playing with it. It’s one of those rare toys that transcend playtime and become educational, useful, and practical in ways you never thought possible. The best toys are the ones that require your own imagination.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 11, 2013 · 10:35 am

Cast Away (film)

Robert Zemeckis directs Tom Hanks in Cast Away, the story of a FedEx worker who gets stranded on an uninhabited island after a plane crash. The last time they collaborated together they made Forrest Gump, truly a landmark film. Cast Away is a solid film, but is nowhere near a masterpiece. Tom Hanks carries the movie but gets upstaged by a volleyball. Tom Hanks has won multiple Oscars and Golden Globes for Best Actor and a volleyball ends up having the best performance in the movie. Wilson didn’t even have any lines.

Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) is a systems analyst for FedEx. He’s obsessed with time and making things more efficient. He’s got a girlfriend (Helen Hunt) and life is pretty good. Then he ends up stranded on a deserted island in the South Pacific. He spends the next four years fighting for survival with only a volleyball and a picture of Helen Hunt to keep him going. After four years of isolation he manages to build a raft and escape the island.

He returns home and there’s nothing waiting for him. His girlfriend has moved on, gotten married, and had a kid. He lost Wilson at sea. He doesn’t have a Facebook account. He doesn’t have anything except for some stupid mantra that “tomorrow the sun will rise” so he has to keep going. Then he delivers the FedEx package that he kept for four years and never opened. But he delivers it to the chick that sent it, not to the recipient. He works for FedEx; he should know how deliveries work. The movie ends with Chuck standing at a crossroads wondering which road to take and where life will take him next. If you like deserted island movies, Tom Hanks, or vague and unsatisfying endings, Cast Away is the movie for you.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2013 · 10:41 am

Talking on the Phone in the Subway

Having a long conversation on the phone in public is enough to make everyone hate you, but talking on the phone in the subway is just plain stupid. The other day I was in the underground station waiting for my train. There was a stupid bitch yakking away on her phone standing behind me. The train approached and we both got on, she just kept on chatting away as the door closed and the train started to move. Then her phone cut out because that’s what happens when you’re in a tunnel. I enjoyed the temporary reprieve from her annoying voice, but then she called her friend back at the next station. We were still underground and we had three more stops to go before we hit street level. So she had a twenty-seven second conversation before the doors closed, the train started moving, and her phone got cut off again. And then she called back at the next station, apologized for losing reception because she’s in the subway, and promptly got cut off when the train started moving again. She let out an impatient sigh, like it was the train’s fault for her being an idiot. I know that she’s an idiot because she called back at every station. It’s truly remarkable how people like that exist. And holy shit, there are a lot of people like that. I can’t wait for the zombie apocalypse.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2013 · 10:38 am

Asking People How to Cure the Hiccups

You have the hiccups and that sucks. But don’t ask anyone how to get rid of them because everyone has their own trick and everybody else is wrong. It becomes a pissing contest to see which technique works. And why are you even asking people how to cure the hiccups? You fucking know what they are going to say. It’s always involves drinking water, holding your breath, getting scared, or some combination of that. Don’t go on Facebook and say you have hiccups either. That’s not status worthy, you attention seeking whore.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 9, 2013 · 10:32 am

Chex Mix Traditional

Chex Mix Traditional is a snack mix made by General Mills. There are a few other flavors, but the original Traditional is the best. It’s made of Chex cereal, pretzels, rye chips, and bread sticks. You can grab a handful and shove it in your mouth, or you can pick out the pretzels, chips, and bread sticks and eat them first, saving the Chex for last because that’s the best part. Nothing beats homemade Chex Mix but prepackaged goods are so convenient.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 9, 2013 · 10:29 am

The Rundown

The Rundown has everything that you want in an action flick: a buff leading man, a funny sidekick, a beautiful girl, and Christopher Walken. It even has a priceless artifact and face-humping monkeys. What more could you want?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as Beck, a bounty hunter who wants out of the game. His final job is to track down his boss’s son Travis (Seann William Scott). Travis has been hiding in the jungle searching for a priceless artifact known as the Gato. Travis wants the Gato for fame and glory, but he’s not the only one who wants it. A rebel named Mariana (Rosario Dawson) wants it to save her people and Christopher Walken wants it because he’s the bad guy.

Beck just wants to get Travis and go home. But everybody else wants the Gato and that’s what gets the plot going. Beck and Travis tromp around the jungle looking for the Gato, trying to avoid Christopher Walken’s henchmen, angry rebels, and horny monkeys. There are lots of cool fight scenes all leading up to a fierce battle at the end.

This is a really fun movie. The editing is fast and fierce and never boring. There’s a quick cameo by Schwarzenegger passing the action hero torch to The Rock. The Rock does a good job. Most action stars are just big and buff and don’t talk much. The Rock kicks ass and can carry a conversation. This is basically a buddy flick and it wouldn’t work if Beck and Travis didn’t have any chemistry. Seann William Scott is pretty funny as usual if you like his cocky/smug style of humor. Christopher Walken has a delicious rant about the Tooth Fairy: “Do you understand the CONCEPT of the Tooth Fairy?!?” Anything he does is golden. Rosario Dawson is hot but her character doesn’t get naked and that’s a shame.

Despite the lack of nudity, The Rundown is still a great action movie. Director Peter Berg balances humor with action and created a movie that deserves more recognition. It’s easily one of The Rock’s best movies (yes, even better than The Scorpion King or Escape to Witch Mountain). Watch it. You’ll probably like it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 8, 2013 · 10:43 am

Shart

Everyone experiences gas; it’s nothing to be embarrassed of. But sometimes you want to suppress your flatulence and that’s when bad things happen. You’ll try to be discrete and let one silently slip out but a little something else escapes. You have just experienced a shart. It’s a fart with a little extra cheese. The first thing to do after you shart is to assess the damage. Carefully shuffle to the bathroom and check for stains and/or nuggets. Stains are manageable, but nuggets (haha, butt nuggets) mean you pooped yourself and need a new pair of pants. You’d rather shart than shit yourself, neither is particularly fun though.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 8, 2013 · 10:40 am

The Wrong Earbud

Lots of people have iPhones and iPods because Apple has taken over the world. So you see lots of people rocking those iconic white headphones. You might have noticed that they have an L and an R on each ear bud so you know which ear to stick them in. The L bud goes in your left ear. The R bud goes in your right ear. It’s a pretty simple concept but some people don’t get it. Maybe they don’t want to conform (but then they wouldn’t have an iPhone). Maybe they are just really lazy or super ignorant. They look pretty retarded either way. And it’s pathetic not being able to listen to music right.  Apple products are expensive and trendy so you want to show them off. Wearing your headphones wrong is like buying a designer shirt and wearing it inside out. You’re telling everyone that you can afford it but don’t deserve it. I might not ever learn your name but I already know that I despise you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 7, 2013 · 10:48 am

Poison Oak

Nature wants to kill you and poison oak is proof. Most of the US has to deal with poison ivy. I’m from California and we have poison oak. It’s pretty much the same thing: an innocent looking plant with leaves in clusters of three that produces an oil that irritates your skin. If you get the oil on your hands, anywhere you touch will get an itchy and painful rash. Irritation is kind of an understatement; it can make your scrotum shrivel up to resemble a prune. I once had it so bad that I couldn’t even run in P.E. class. It’s pretty frightening when your junk’s all shriveled and chafed and covered with red blotches. And it’s one helluva humiliating excuse note. Poison oak is nature’s way of keeping you on trails while hiking and from shitting in the woods at night. Respect nature. Treasure your junk.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 7, 2013 · 10:36 am

Masters of the Universe (film)

Sometimes Hollywood movies are just glorified toy commercials. Look at Transformers, Battleship, G.I. Joe… but it’s not a growing trend, it’s been like that for decades. One of the earlier toy commercial movies was Masters of the Universe, a cheesy 1987 sci-fi flick starring Dolph Lundgren as He-Man and Frank Langella as Skeletor.

The movie starts with Skeletor taking over the planet Eternia. He-Man and his pals manage to thwart his plans involving the Cosmic Key by sending it to Earth. Julie (a young Courtney Cox) and her boyfriend find the Cosmic Key and activate it without knowing what it is. Skeletor’s troops pick up on its location and it’s up to He-Man and his friends to keep it from falling in the wrong hands.

This is one of Dolph Lundgren’s best roles but he’s a little lost without Sylvester Stallone holding his hand. He looks like He-Man, he runs around being big and hitting things. He doesn’t speak much and when he does he sounds like Stallone. It’s kind of off-putting. Luckily Frank Langella handles most of the dialog. It’s always nice when a formidable villain is extremely articulate about exposition and repeatedly explains what is going on and what is at stake.

The movie doesn’t make much sense. There’s a half-assed plot and underdeveloped characters. Nobody learns anything. Julie (Courtney Cox’s character) actually regresses. In the beginning she’s grieving her recently deceased parents and getting ready to say good-bye to her boyfriend and leave her hometown to start a new life. That’s what you do when you’re a senior in high school: you leave home and you face the real world. But at the end of the movie Julie’s parents are magically brought back to life and she decides to stay. She didn’t grow as a person or learn from her experiences. She decided to retreat back into childhood instead. That’s not a happy ending.

The only reason to watch this movie is for nostalgia. Don’t watch it if you’ve never seen it before. You wouldn’t be able to appreciate its glory. And if you’re gonna watch it again, I recommend doing so with a lot of booze.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2013 · 10:37 am

A Day Trip

A day trip is like a field trip for adults. It’s something to break up the monotony of everyday life. Sometimes you need to get out of the city for a while and that’s when you need a day trip. It’s a good alternative to taking a vacation. It’s less expensive and you get to come home and sleep in your own bed at the end of the day. Find an interesting destination, bring some sammiches and beer, and spend the day avoiding the stresses that come with city life. Go to the woods, the mountains, or the beach… anywhere that has more trees than cars is a good spot. Relax and enjoy the fresh air. And when the sun starts to set you can head back to the city and real life.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2013 · 10:35 am

A Stranger Who Turns Out to be an Acquaintance

I was playing disc golf with my friend and was about to tee off when a guy started walking towards us. We waited to throw until he got there and offered to let him go ahead of us so we wouldn’t hold him up. He suggested that we just play together. As we made small talk, I noticed that he seemed really familiar, someone from way back in the day. It turns out that his son and I were childhood friends. We played on a few soccer teams together and we were Indian Guys for a few years. It had been almost twenty years since we last crossed paths. It’s kind of funny how you can remember random people from your childhood but can’t remember people from college. Nothing proves how small the world is like a stranger who turns out to be an acquaintance.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 5, 2013 · 10:27 am

Seeing Things in the Corner of your Eye

Sometimes when you’re tired or drunk you’ll see something out of the corner of your eye, but there’s nothing there when you look at it directly. It doesn’t matter how fast you snap your head to take a look; you aren’t going to see anything if there’s nothing there. Seeing things in the corner of your eye will make you think that either going crazy or being haunted. And if you think you’re haunted then you’re crazy. I don’t mind being crazy, but I really don’t like seeing things that in the corner of my eye that aren’t there. If I see something, I expect it to be real. Quit fucking around, brain.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 5, 2013 · 10:25 am

Justice Volume 3 (comic)

The final four issues of Justice are collected in the third volume. The first two volumes are setting up the story and this one resolves everything in an epic way. Alex Ross and Jim Kreuger’s story reaches its exciting conclusion as the Justice League of America squares off against the formidable Legion of Doom with the fate of the world at stake. There are huge fights and battles between good and evil. And futuristic-looking superhero armor to jazz things up.

The best way to solve problems is resorting to violence, and so the JLA decide to punch their way to victory. They use their superpowers and smarts to punch the bad guys and save the day. There are dozens of DC characters, both famous and obscure ones, facing off and fighting and punching their way through the plot. Alex Ross and Doug Braithwaite’s stunning artwork makes the punches look incredible.

There are a lot of characters and a lot of things going on. It’s not as convoluted as Crisis on Infinite Earths, but you’ll still be lost if you’re a newcomer to comics. There are just too many names and powers and histories to keep track of. You can still admire the artwork though. It’s stylistically realistic and fantastic to look at. It’s not essential reading but it’s still nice to own.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2013 · 9:54 am

XFASLNR

This is a true story involving road rage and a customized license plate. I was a senior in high school and I was driving home on the freeway, my friend was in the front seat, and Tom Petty was on the stereo. We saw a red pickup truck with a customized plate that said “XFASLNR.” We spent a few minutes debating and deciding what XFASLNR meant. Extra Falsener? Is that something? We gave up and drove past the truck and as we did, my friend made a funny face at the red truck. He didn’t flip him off, or scowl at him. I think he stuck out his tongue and waved his fingers like a five-year-old taunting his crush on the playground.

That was enough to make XFASLNR declare war. He instantly floored it, cut me off, and slammed on his brakes. I used my ninja reflexes to dart into the other lane. I didn’t even have time to flip him off before he tried to cut me off again. And again and again. He would veer into my lane; he would speed up behind me and try to tap my bumper, he would try to run me off the road. I wasn’t close to home either. He chased me for a few miles before I finally got to my exit and made my escape. We considered ourselves lucky and the matter closed.

A year and a half went by and I was now in my second year of college. I went to my buddy Cody’s house and there was a red pickup truck in his driveway with the license plate XFASLNR. I had a flashback to my near-death experience and ran into to Cody’s house and demanded answers. A mutual friend who was from the same hometown was sitting in the living room admitted that the truck was his dad’s. I told him the whole story of being chased halfway across the county. He told me that it was definitely his dad and regaled me with stories of his dad tailgating, swerving, and instigating fights over perceived slights for years. He told me about being five years old and pleading with his dad to not punch another driver who cut him off. He acknowledged that his dad was crazy and I realized I was lucky to be alive.

And then I asked him the question that had been bugging me for years, the whole reason why my friend made that stupid face that set him off… What does XFASLNR mean? And it means Ex Fast Laner. His dad used to race cars and be in the fast lane. I know that’s not the most exciting conclusion to this tale of road rage, but at least I got closure. That’s worth something, right? And it’s kind of stupid to road rage when you have a memorable customized plate that makes it easy to identify you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2013 · 9:48 am

Garlic Bread

Yesterday was Super Bowl Sunday and I didn’t want to show up to the party empty handed. I stopped by the grocery store on the way there to grab some beer and something to munch on. Grabbing the beer was the easy part, I just snagged a 12-bottle variety pack with IPA, Pale Ale, and a Belgian White. Deciding what food to bring was the hard part. I didn’t want to bring chips and dip or anything cliché like that. I wanted something tasty that was easy to prepare. I almost got a cheese platter and a tub of potato salad, but then I saw a sale on premade garlic bread. All you had to do was throw it in the oven and a few minutes later you would have deliciousness. So I bought a few loaves and it was a hit. Nobody can refuse a slice of freshly toasted garlic bread. It smells like magic and it tastes like a miracle. It’s a great side or appetizer. An added bonus is that it wards off vampires and drives the ladies crazy.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 3, 2013 · 10:57 am

Super Bowl Sunday

It’s Super Bowl Sunday, America’s favorite pseudo-holiday. Football is the religion of choice for a lot of people. Super Bowl Sunday is like Christmas, New Year’s and Flag Day all rolled into one. The Baltimore Ravens face off against the San Francisco 49ers in New Orleans. Oh, and in case you haven’t heard, the two head coaches are brothers so everyone is talking about the Harbaugh Bowl (or Harbowl if you like puns). Some people are talking about Ray Lewis playing his last game. Everyone else is Kaepernicking.

The weird thing about the Super Bowl is that nobody is allowed to say it. It’s always “The Big Game” or some variant. It’s dumb; everyone knows that “The Big Game” is the Super Bowl. I don’t know why the NFL is so opposed to free advertising. I know that the NFL is a business, but they are stingy as fuck. They would charge you for the ice in your soda if they were a restaurant.

The Super Bowl boosts the economy in a lot of ways. Beer and alcohol sales skyrocket. Chips, dip, salsa, wings, cheese plates, and pork rinds fly off the shelves. Big screen TVs and surround sound systems get sold out. And I’m pretty sure that adult diaper sales also increase because you can’t go to the bathroom. You can’t miss the game and you can’t miss the commercials and all that beer has to go somewhere.

Enjoy the game, enjoy the day, and enjoy the people you’re spending it with. Get drunk, eat food, make bets, and have fun. And no matter the outcome, respect your city. It’s a game, not a reason to go riot.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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