Tag Archives: toy

Bobblehead 

A bobblehead is a kind of collectible toy typically depicting a person or animal with an oversized head. The big head is usually attached by a spring so the the head moves or bobbles when you shake it. I’m pretty sure that’s why they call it a bobblehead. Bobbleheads are now a common giveaway at sporting events. So now I have a nice collection of San Francisco Giants bobbleheads. I have Angel Pagan, Brandon Belt, Brandon Crawford, Travis Ishikawa, Matt Duffy, Bruce Lee and Chewbacca. Here’s a fun fact: Bruce Lee and Chewbacca never played in a single game for the Giants. Here’s another fun fact: you can face swap with a bobblehead on Snapchat. I know because I’ve done it way more than I should have.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Rubik’s Cube

A Rubik’s Cube is the most frustrating toy ever created. When it’s completed it has six sides, each side has it’s own color, and each color has nine pieces. The cube has an internal pivoting mechanism that allows you to move the pieces around. You jumble it up and try to get the cube back to the original form so that each side is a solid color again. It sounds easy. It’s not. The twenty-six pieces can be rearranged approximately 519 quintillion different ways. There are all kinds of formulas and mathematical tricks to complete the Rubik’s cube and it’s possible to learn how to solve it in under ten seconds, but most people will never complete a Rubik’s Cube unless they peel off the stickers and rearrange them. Some people call it cheating; I call it thinking outside the box. Besides, I don’t have the patience to finish one, I just want people to think I do.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

04-20-14-rubik-cube-ftr

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Toy in the Cereal Box

One of the best things about childhood was getting a toy in the cereal box. I grew up with three siblings and breakfast time would sometime erupt into a war over who got the toy. It was always a shitty toy made of cheap plastic and it was never something worth paying money for. But it was free and it was there and I wanted it. Actually, I didn’t really want it, I just didn’t want my sister to have it. And she didn’t want me to have it. So we would fight over it until we would get sent to our rooms. The winner was the lucky one who ended up with the toy. That toy became so much more than a toy if you emerged victorious. It became a trophy. It was something that you earned. You would flaunt it around and taunt your siblings with it for a couple of days until the excitement died down. Then a few days after that we would get a new box of cereal and the battle would begin anew. I used to have a whole collection of cereal box toys. I wonder what happened to them. I hope my sister didn’t find them, that fucking cunt.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

fusioncar

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There Are No LEGOs

I bet you a hundred dollars that you never played with LEGOs as a kid. I bet you never even had a box of LEGOs. And I know for a fact that you never had LEGOs because LEGOs don’t exist. Don’t get me wrong; there is a popular line of construction toys called LEGO. But the LEGO company doesn’t want people to use the wrong form of pluralization. In their own words: “Dear Parents and Children, The word LEGO® is a brand name and is very special to all of us in the LEGO Group Companies. We would sincerely like your help in keeping it special. Please always refer to our bricks as ‘LEGO Bricks or Toys’ and not ‘LEGOS.’ By doing so, you will be helping to protect and preserve a brand of which we are very proud and that stands for quality the world over. Thank you!” So yeah, looks like you owe me a hundred dollars. You’re lucky we didn’t shake on it. I’ll let it slide this time, but next time I’m taking out your knee.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lincoln Logs

Lincoln Logs are either a classic children’s toy or the fecal remains of our sixteenth president. Most of the time, it refers to the classic toy. A Lincoln Log is a small piece of wood with a notch. The logs are notched so that another log can be placed on it at a ninety-degree angle. They link together so that you can make small-scale frontier forts and cabins. They were invented by John Lloyd Wright, the son of Frank Lloyd Wright (the internationally renowned and respected architect). Frank Lloyd Wright designed amazing, unique, and exciting buildings. John Lloyd Wright made a crappy toy that you threw away as soon as you discovered Legos. Frank might have been a little disappointed in his son’s career choice. They are both dead now so it doesn’t matter anymore. Lincoln Logs are a mediocre toy at best.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Silly Putty

Silly Putty is like a more extreme version of Play-Doh. You can mold it into different shapes, but you can also bounce it, stretch it, and even copy newspaper ink. You can fold it over itself and create little air pockets that have a satisfying snapping sound when you pop them. You can use it to fingerprint yourself and then stretch it out to enlarge it. They have a flesh-toned color one that you can use to make you chin look bigger, or have an extra finger, or forgot to zip up your fly. It comes in a little egg shaped container and that’s where it lives when you’re not playing with it. It’s one of those rare toys that transcend playtime and become educational, useful, and practical in ways you never thought possible. The best toys are the ones that require your own imagination.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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