Pissing On the Plunger

I’ve pissed on hundreds of plungers in my lifetime. Almost everyone I know has a toilet and a plunger to go with it. And everyone seems to keep the plunger right next to the toilet. It seems logical and convenient but it’s not. It’s a terrible place to keep because I’m going to pee on it. It’s like a lightening rod for my urinary stream. I probably won’t do it on purpose, but it’s going to happen one way or another. I’m a guy, that’s what we do. We piss all over the toilet seat and whatever else is in the vicinity and that includes the plunger. Yeah, we have built-in fire hoses but it’s hard to pee through morning wood or aim when we’re drunk. Pissing on the plunger isn’t something I’m proud of but I’m not ashamed to admit it either.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Uploading Pictures Of Yourself Camping

The whole point of camping is to get away from it all. Away from city life, away from technology, away from your cell phone. You should be chilling in the woods, sitting around a campfire, telling stories and making jokes. You should be living. Why the fuck are you taking picture of yourself camping and uploading it to Facebook? I’m not opposed to taking pictures of the campsite or the views or having fun. That’s totally fine. I’m against taking a picture and instantly uploading it. You’re not camping if you don’t have a signal, you’re just a hipster in the woods. Put down the phone and look at a tree. You came out to nature to experience nature, not to add another hashtag to your resume.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Shameless Season 1

Shameless is a Showtime series about a poor and dysfunctional family living in a Chicago ghetto. It’s got everything that I want from a TV show: sex, violence, humor, drama, love triangles, drugs, alcohol, criminals and petty thugs, amazing writing, and great characters played by great actors.

William H. Macy stars as Frank Gallagher, a drunken loser with six kids. He’s selfish, egotistical, and spends his days drinking and ignoring his kids. The beautiful Emmy Rossum plays Fiona Gallagher, his oldest child and surrogate mother to the rest of the kids. She runs the household and keeps the family from falling apart. They are the two main characters of the huge ensemble cast and they drive the main storylines of the first season. Frank moves out of his house and starts mooching off of Sheila Jackson (played by Joan Cusack), who is recently separated from her husband, and collecting huge disability checks for her agoraphobia. Meanwhile Fiona gets a new boyfriend named Steve (played by Justin Chatwin) and she reluctantly lets him into her chaotic life.

Season 1 introduces you to the Gallaghers and how they live. They aren’t your typical family. They come from a broken home. They hate their mother for abandoning them, and still love Frank despite all the shit he’s done. He never left them. He’s a deadbeat deplorable drunk, and a terrible excuse for a human being, but it taught them to rely on themselves rather than him. All the kids in the family work and hustle to make money to pay the bills. They look after each other, stand up for each other, defend each other, and are fiercely loyal to each other. They watch TV together, eat and drink and smoke together. They aren’t perfect, but they are proud of that.

You also get to meet a few other characters from around the neighborhood, friends, enemies, cops, drunks, sluts, and thugs. There are a lot of characters and subplots and arcs and I’m too lazy to write about them all. You might notice I didn’t even write about all the Gallaghers. There are just too many of them. They all have their own character traits and they all get something to do. Shameless is a great show. It only took me about fifteen minutes to get hooked. It’s more addicting than Breaking Bad. That’s a bold statement, but I’m sticking to it. Breaking Bad doesn’t have nudity and Shameless does. Emmy Rossum is beautiful and you can see her boobies. Game over.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Mustard Stain

I like mustard but it doesn’t like me. It’s always trying to escape from my sandwich and attack my shirt. It usually succeeds too. You can tell whenever I had a sandwich or a hot dog for lunch by the enormous mustard stain on my shirt. It’s always mustard too. I don’t have these problems with mayo or ketchup or any other condiment. Mustard just has it in for me. Oh well, I’d rather have a mustard stain on my shirt than Sriracha is my eye.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Favorite Moment of The Simpsons

The Simpsons has been on the air for 24 seasons and counting, there have been millions of great jokes and gags over the decades. But one gag stands out above all the others. Way back in the seventh season there was an episode called “Marge Be Not Proud.” Bart gets caught shoplifting at the Try-N-Save and Marge is hurt and disappointed and gives Bart the cold shoulder, leaving him out of family activities. He comes downstairs and sees everyone drinking hot chocolate. Marge hands him a cup but there’s no marshmallow in it. When he asks about it, Marge says that he’s old enough to put the marshmallow in himself. So he picks up a marshmallow, drops it into the cup, and it instantly expands and absorbs up all the hot chocolate. He turns the mug over and it slides out and plops down on the table. He didn’t just fail, he failed spectacularly and he knows it. He dejectedly begins carving into it while Grampa eagerly asks for a slice. It’s completely absurd. It doesn’t make any sense. And it makes you want a hot chocolate marshmallow slice too. I still laugh out loud every time it pops into my head. It sums up The Simpsons style of humor wonderfully. And it reminds you that the seventh season happened a long time ago.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tourist Day

We get stuck in a zone and stop paying attention to what’s around us. Don’t forget that there are places right by you that other people would pay to see. Take advantage of it. The next time you have a friend come into town or a random day off work, you should have a tourist day. That’s when you go and do all the touristy things that your town has to offer. You can finally do all the shit that you keep putting off. Go to the Statue of Liberty if you live in New York. Go to Alcatraz if you live in San Francisco.  It doesn’t matter where you live, there are all sorts of things to do around your town that you take for granted. Check out the museum, go to the zoo, take a guided tour of a local factory, explore the park and see the sights. You live in a cool place, that’s why you moved there. Experience it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Paint Fumes

I live in an apartment and my downstairs neighbors moved out. The landlord hired a maintenance crew to come in and do minor repairs and repaint the vacant apartment. And now the whole building smells like paint. I have every possible window open for ventilation and the paint fumes just seem to be getting worse. I feel like I’m stuck in the garage with the car engine running. To make matters worse, the sun has started setting and it’s getting colder but at least the paint fumes are starting to cloud my mind. I don’t think I’ll even feel the cold in the next few minutes. I probably shouldn’t be drinking a beer and smoking a bowl right now. It’s kind of a waste because these paint fumes have my head spinning in ways that drugs never could. So this is why people huff spray paint… I could get into this. Now excuse me while I pass out.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Unfriending Someone

I just did a little spring cleaning on my Facebook account and deleted a few people. Some people post too much stupid shit way too often and I get sick of seeing it. I know you can change the settings so that their shit doesn’t show up on your wall but it’s more fun to completely remove them from your life. Unfriending someone is like lifting the weight of the world off your shoulders. Now I don’t have to see your ugly face in my newsfeed anymore and life is so much better. I wonder if you’ll ever notice that I unfriended you. I hope you do and request to be my friend just so I can unfriend you again. That would be so sweet.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pinky Swear

People lie all the fucking time and there is only one surefire method to get the truth from a liar. You need to get him to pinky swear. Forget putting a hand on the bible or making him swear on his mother’s grave because that shit won’t work. It’s all about the pinky swear. It’s impossible to back out of a pinky promise. The pinky swear is like the Unbreakable Vow for muggles, that shit is binding. Only one guy had the balls to break a pinky promise and he’s dead now and no one went to his funeral. That’s what happens. That’s why you have to respect a pinky swear. Who knew that intertwined phalanges held so much power?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Stone Enjoy By 04.01.13 IPA

This might come as a surprise to you, but I like beer. I like IPAs and I like limited/seasonal beers. And so I could not pass up getting a beer called Enjoy By 04.01.13 IPA. They will take it off the shelves on April 2, 2013. It’s a great marketing ploy. It’s a beer with a time limit so you have to grab it while you can. It’s a refreshing India Pale Ale, it’s hoppy with citric notes, slightly malty and it’s fun to drink. The 9.4% alcohol content will leave your head buzzing pleasantly too. The label says it best: “There is no time better than right now to enjoy this beer,” and that’s the truth. Carpe Beerum, seize the brew.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

Taco Bell struck gold a few months ago when it launched their Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos. It was inevitable that there would be a sequel. And so now we have Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. Americans like to put ranch on everything and apparently that includes fake Mexican fast food. I don’t know why they couldn’t have followed it up with Salsa Verde or another flavor that makes sense, but whatever. I tried it because I’m extreme like that and I live on the edge. I liked it. It wasn’t as ranchy as I thought it would be and that’s a good thing. It tastes like a regular shitty Taco Bell taco but with hints of Cool Ranch. Try it out. There’s really no reason not to. The crazy thing about them is all that fake Cool Ranch/Nacho Cheese powder doesn’t add any calories. A regular taco and a Doritos Locos taco are both 78 calories and 113 calories if you go Supreme. That really is crazy. There’s no cure for cancer, there’s no solution to global warming… but we got tacos figured out. Good job, scientists.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wilco Tango Foxtrot

Wilco Tango Foxtrot is a limited release ale from the Lagunitas Brewing Company and it’s one of their best beers. Lagunitas is known for making bold hoppy beers, but Wilco Tango Foxtrot is more malty with caramel flavors and subtle hints of coffee and chocolate. You can still taste the hops but it doesn’t steal the show. It’s pretty strong with its 7.85% alcohol content too. This is a beer you can be proud of. If you’re lucky enough to see it in the store, grab a few bottles, call up some friends, and have a little microbrew appreciation party. And read the label; Lagunitas puts some clever shit on there.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Dog Holding Its Own Leash

I was playing disc golf in the park today when I saw a dog emerge from the bushes. He was on a leash but there was no owner in sight. He was holding his own leash and walking himself. A dog holding its own leash is madness. It’s anarchy. It’s chaos. You’re a dog, you can’t walk yourself. You need someone to hold your leash and to pick up your shit with a little plastic bag. I don’t know where your owner is, I’d assume that he’s somewhere nearby, but it’s more fun to pretend that Fido escapes from the backyard and explores the neighborhood and sneaks back into the yard each day before his oblivious owner finds out. And he makes sure he wears a leash so the cops don’t hassle him for disobeying leash laws.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Honking to Pick Up Your Passenger

Hey Mr. Asshole Driver, it’s awesome that you’re being green and saving the planet by carpooling but there’s no need to announce your arrival by honking excessively. Especially at 7:00 in the morning. There’s no excuse to wake up the whole neighborhood just because your passenger isn’t waiting curbside. You can always ring their doorbell or call/text them to tell them to come outside. That’s what normal people do: practice common courtesy. Besides, if you can afford a car you can afford a phone. Fucking use it and lay off the horn.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain

Some people get mad when I take the Lord’s name in vain. They call it blasphemy and a huge insult to God. They need to chill the fuck out. I’m not insulting God. I’m not insulting your religion. I’m not insulting your beliefs. I’m fucking expressing myself. Get over it. That’s great that you’re religious. It’s great that you found Jesus. But don’t ever tell me that I can’t take the Lord’s name in vain. Freedom of speech still exists and I’ll say “Jesus Fucking Christ” any fucking time I fucking want to. I believe in God. I also believe he doesn’t have a problem with me saying “God-fucking-damn-it” when I stab my toe. After all, he’s the reason I stabbed my fucking toe, goddamnit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth (comic)

Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth is a Batman graphic novel written by Grant Morrison with art by Dave McKean. Most Batman comics are detective stories, but this one is more like a horror story. It’s April Fools Day and the Joker has taken over Arkham Asylum and threatens to kill staff members unless Batman shows up. Batman is a little reluctant to go because he’s worried that he might actually be crazy and going to Arkham would be like going home. But Batman goes anyway because he’s Batman and that’s what he does. Once he’s there, the Joker gives him a chance to escape the asylum, but it’s kind of hard because all the inmates are loose. The Batman has to fight foes like Two-Face, Killer Croc, the Scarecrow, Clayface, and a few others in order to survive. But he’s also battling his inner demons too, so there are internal and external conflicts going on.

The story is pretty solid but Dave McKean’s art takes it to a new level. It’s very dark, gothic, and chilling. It’s the perfect style for a story that takes place in a prison for crazy people. It’s also important how the words look on the page. Lettering is one of the most underrated and often overlooked aspects of comics. Letterer Gaspar Saldino’s work is definitely noticeable in this comic. He gave each character a distinctive font that matches their personality. It’s hard to put down this comic. It’s one of the most visually exciting comic book experiences that you will ever have. You’re not a Batman fan if you’ve never read this book.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leaving Your Trash in Public

I was taking my usual train to work today and I saw a middle aged guy wearing a suit reading the newspaper and sipping some Starbucks. I thought that he was a typical businessman on his way to the office, but then he left his newspaper and used cup on the ground by his seat when he got off the train. I had to do a double take, I believe flabbergasted is the word. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Why is he so important that he feels like he can leave his fucking garbage for somebody else to deal with? Leaving your trash in public is pretty low. Even your mom would lose respect for you if she caught you doing that. She raised you better than that. Nobody likes a litterbug. You shouldn’t be allowed outside if you can’t handle cleaning up after yourself.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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