Krave Lemon Garlic Turkey Jerky

Krave is a brand of gourmet jerky from Sonoma, California. Lemon Garlic Turkey Jerky is just one of their many unique offerings. Most of the time I prefer beef jerky over turkey jerky, but I’m not opposed to turkey jerky by any means. And I really enjoy the fact that turkey jerky rhymes. But I digress… my initial response upon opening the bag was being amazed at how moist and tender the jerky was. All the pieces stick together, but they pull apart easily. It’s sweeter and less salty than most jerky, and not really spicy at all. The lemon and garlic flavors are well balanced, but the jerky leaves a greasy residue on your fingers, similar to some potato chips. It loses a few points for the finger residue, but this is a good jerky.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Clapping After the Movie

Banging your hands together in a rhythmic fashion is an awesome way to display your appreciation for a concert or a play. It provides the performers with instant feedback, and it lets them know that you appreciated what they are doing. But clapping after a movie is weird. The actors can’t hear you. The director can’t hear you. None of the producers, or screenwriters, or extras can fucking hear you. So why are you clapping? You clap because you’ve approved and appreciated what the artists have labored to create. Even if they can’t hear you, you can still acknowledge that they influenced you. So you slap your hands together a few times. Even if they don’t get the message, you are still saying THANKS!

            Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Best Way to Watch a 3-D Movies

3-D movies are the best way to watch a movie, but only if it’s done right. The biggest problem with 3-D films is that the three dimensions become commonplace. It becomes mundane, it becomes boring. You need something to break up the spectacle, or the spectacle loses all meaning.  The best way to watch a 3-D movie is to take the glasses off. Seriously. Take them off whenever there is a lot of dialog or whenever the camera remains stationary. Let your eyes take a break. Then put your glasses back on when the action picks up. Suddenly the movie pops. Suddenly the 3-D means something. It literally adds depth to the film. The action becomes more immersive and more intense. It draws you into the film if it’s done right. It distracts you heavily if it’s done wrong. 3-D might be a marketing ploy, but its sticking around, so you better get used to it. But remember that those glasses aren’t required.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Accents

I’m a big fan of accents. They tell a story. They tell you where the person came from, if they speak another language, and different regions have different speech patterns and different sounds so you can learn a lot from their vocal nuances. I like southern accents and English accents, but the best accents are from people who speak English as a second language. Language is like music and accents are like different instruments. You don’t always want to hear the same song on the piano. Sometimes you want it to be played on the guitar, or banged out on the drums, or tooted from a saxophone. When you hear a particularly delicious accent, you immediately want to emulate it. You want to hear that sound roll off your own tongue; you want to experience it too. So don’t be offended if you have an accent and I’m constantly copying you and asking you to repeat particular phrases. I’m not making fun of you. I like the way you talk and I wish you’d talk some more. Especially if you have a mysterious European accent.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Edward Snowden

Edward Snowden is the guy who found out that the National Security Agency has been illegally spying on you. Yes, you. You should be outraged. He found out that the NSA was conducting mass surveillance on US citizens by monitoring and storing communications data. They were also spying on millions of Chinese citizens, turning it into an international affair. He decided to do the right thing and share that information with the public. Then the government labeled him a traitor. And he’s been on the run ever since. So to recap: he found out that the NSA was illegally spying on millions of citizens by reading and collecting your emails and text messages, he told the public, and now he’s a fucking criminal. The guy is a hero, he should be celebrated. Instead he’s a fugitive and has to seek asylum in a foreign country. The government is probably monitoring me now because I wrote about Edward Snowden. And now they are probably watching you because you read this article about him. 2013 looks an awful lot like 1984.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Typing On Your Phone with One Finger

I was at the baseball game the other day, and I noticed the middle-aged woman sitting right in front of me was on her iPhone for most of the game. She was taking pictures and uploading them to Facebook, constantly updating her status, responding to all the lame comments that her lame friends were making about her lames pictures, and she spent a good solid 9 innings glued to her fucking phone. None of that shit bothered me. What bothered me was the fact that she was only using her pointer finger to type everything. She was moving at a snail’s pace. My grandma can type faster than her. My grandma knows to turn the phone sideways and to use two thumbs. I know you might be a little clueless on technology, but that has nothing to do with a lack of common sense. Typing on your phone with one finger is stupidly wrong. I don’t like to use the word retarded, but that’s what it is. You are fucking retarded if you’re typing with just your index finger. The only acceptable reason for typing on your phone with one finger is if you only have one finger. If you have thumbs, you should use those. Your phone’s keyboard was fucking designed for your fucking thumbs. If you don’t know how to use your phone, you don’t deserve your phone.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Simply Limeade

It’s a hot summer day and you want a cold refreshing drink. Lemonade seems to be the ideal drink for this situation but sometimes you want to mix things up a bit without going too crazy. That’s then you should reach for a limeade. It’s like lemonade, but it’s made with limes instead of lemons. It’s more sour, it’s more tart, and it’s an overall more intense citric experience. Simply Limeade is just one brand’s version of limeade, and it’s one of the few limeades that you might find in a convenience store. Limeade isn’t as popular as most other fruit beverages, so it’s harder to find a store that carries it. If you’re lucky enough to spot it, you should grab it. Limeade is a drink that doesn’t get much respect. Limeade is an occasional treat, an alternative to the mundane. You’ve never met anybody that prefers it over all other beverages. And if they do, they are fucking weird as shit and that’s enough of a reason to stop talking to them.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting Stoned and Going Grocery Shopping

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made was getting stoned and going grocery shopping before a camping trip. Anyone who has ever blazed knows what it’s like to experience the munchies. You take a few puffs and suddenly all you want is Cheetos and a Coke. And some Skittles. Oooh, and a Snickers too. Now imagine that you have to buy enough food and drinks to last for the next three days. You don’t want to underestimate how much shit to get, so you’ll compensate by buying a lot more than you need. Instead of getting a pack of 8 sticks of string cheese, you’ll get a pack of 32 just to be safe. Instead of one pack of hot dogs, you’ll buy two. And you can’t forget the buns, ketchup, mustard, and relish. And what goes good with hot dogs? Potato chips! So then you get a few bags of chips, and some dip to go with it. And then a few packs of beer to wash it down. And a few cases of soda just in case somebody doesn’t want beer or if you need a caffeine boost. And obviously you need ice to keep all the drinks cold and the food from spoiling. All that shit adds up, and it adds up quickly, and it doesn’t help that your stoned ass is walking up and down each aisle throwing more unnecessary shit into your cart. Before you know it, you’re at the register and you owe them $364.24. Then you go camping for a few days and end up with a fridge full of expired leftovers that remind you of your stupidity. And you don’t even want to eat any of it because it all tastes like failure. This is the type of situation they should discuss during anti-drug assemblies in middle school.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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God Loves, Man Kills (comic)

The X-Men has always been a metaphor for human rights, equality, and acceptance. Nowhere is that more apparent than in this 1982 graphic novel. In God Loves, Man Kills, a deranged minister leads an anti-mutant campaign, calling for the death of all mutants in the name of God. Stryker is a capable politician and the public seems to support him, and hatred and fear of mutants reaches a fevered peak. To add even more drama to the story, Stryker kidnaps Professor X and manipulates him and Cerebro to attack all the mutants. The X-Men’s main enemy, Magneto, joins them in a shaky alliance against Stryker. If that sounds familiar, it’s because they recycled the basic story for X2: X-Men United. Chris Claremont’s story is still relevant and celebrated more than thirty years later. He touches on themes of racism and persecution. He makes direct references to the holocaust and genocide, and isn’t afraid to use N-word to make a point. Brent Anderson’s art fits the story perfectly.  The panel layout adds a nice sense of pacing. Sometimes it’s very structured, sometimes the art overlaps and flows into another panel. It makes it feel more dynamic and spontaneous. God Loves, Man Kills is more than just a comic, it’s accepted literature.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Facial Cyst

So a few months ago I noticed a bump on my cheek that looked like a big zit. I tried to pop it unsuccessfully a few times, I tried different types of pimple cream, and I slowly realized that it wasn’t going away. Plus a lot of people were asking me what was wrong with my face. So I finally caved and did the smart thing and called a dermatologist. I made an appointment, hung out in the waiting room, and then got summoned to his office. He took one look at my cheek and said it was a sebaceous cyst, and that he would remove it for me. I laid back, he put some anesthetic on my face and he popped that fucker. I feel the pressure instantly dissipate as the pus and blood drained from my cheek. That part was oddly satisfying. Then he had to scrape out the cystic sack so that it wouldn’t fill up again. That part sucked. He pushed and squeezed on my face while poking and prodding and cutting away the cystic sack. It was painfully uncomfortable. But the whole procedure only took about fifteen minutes, and it was over fairly quickly. He called in his nurse/assistant lady and told her that it was the largest facial cyst that he’s ever removed. I actually felt kind of proud of that fact… this is a 60-year-old doctor with over thirty years of experience in a major US city, and my facial cyst was a milestone in his career. I’ll be talked about at boring staff Christmas parties thrown at his office for the next several years. He got a story, and I got my face back. Fair trade.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Krave Chili Lime Beef Jerky

Krave is a brand of gourmet jerky. They make beef jerky, they make turkey jerky, and they make dried meat in different flavors. Most jerky flavors are the same. You have original, you have a hot & spicy, and you have a teriyaki. Krave’s Chili Lime Beef Jerky is a unique flavor, and that’s what initially caught my eye. I detect a spicy-hot flavor from the chili powder, and it’s offset by the zesty and citric lime flavor. It’s a nice complimentary flavor. You might sweat a little, but it’s the perfect amount of spicy. The jerky itself is thick cut, moist and tender. It’s the kind of jerky that you want to share so that other people can experience it, but it’s so good that you want to keep it all for yourself. Krave makes gourmet jerky, and jerky is the new microbrew. It’s going to blow up. There will be more brands, more flavors, and a huge market for jerky products. You can eat it in the car, on the trail, as a snack, or as a survival food. I will repost this article in five years, and you will see that I’m right in all my jerky predictions.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Table vs Bar Top

It’s beer thirty and it’s time to start drinking. You walk into the bar and are instantly faced with a decision. You can sit at the bar top or you can grab a table. I prefer getting a table. You can actually make eye contact with other people and have a normal conversation with your friends. It’s more casual and relaxed. The biggest problem with sitting at a table is that ordering another drink becomes a hassle. Everybody gets lazy and settled in, and if you finally cave and stand up to get another drink, everybody else is waving cash at you and asking that you also order them a beer while you’re up.

Sitting at the bar top is convenient, but it’s also kind of depressing. You are instantly limited in who you can talk to; it’s either the person the right or left of you and the bartender. The bartender might make small talk with you, but he or she doesn’t give a shit about you. They might crack a joke or share an anecdote, but they are just trying to get a tip out of you. You’re basically paying them to pretend to be your friend. Sitting at the bar top shows that you mean business. You are there to drink. Sitting at a table shows that you are there to socialize. You are there to have a drink with your friends. It doesn’t matter which one you prefer, as long as you have a drink in your hand.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Calypso Ocean Blue Lemonade

Everyone’s had lemonade or pink lemonade at some point in their life. But not everyone has had blue lemonade. Not to brag or anything, but I have. More specifically, I had an Ocean Blue Lemonade from Calypso. I don’t know much about Calypso as a brand, but the label was kind enough to invite to me to enjoy the Taste of the Islands even though they are based out of Milwaukee. The Ocean Blue Lemonade is made from real sugar and it also contains real lemon bits. But it’s only 6% juice and it’s fucking blue, so it can’t be healthy for you. It will also turn your tongue blue, so you shouldn’t drink it if you want to be taken seriously. If you like lemonade, but wish it was more extreme, this is the drink for you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Man of Steel

You know what everyone loves? Comic book movies and reboots. And Man of Steel is both. Henry Cavill stars as Kal-El/Clark Kent/Superman/the Man of Steel in Zack Snyder’s latest comic book adaption. The movie begins fittingly on Krypton during its final days. Jor-El (Russell Crowe) decides the best way to preserve the Kryptonian race is to send his infant son to Earth. That pisses off General Zod (Michael Shannon) and he vows to track down Kal-El, thus setting the plot in motion. The movie jumps ahead a few years, and you see a dejected Clark Kent trying to find his place in the world. He moves around, he uses false names, he is running from something, but he doesn’t know what. All that changes when he comes across a spaceship, meets the electronic ghost of his alien father, learns his true name and history, and gets a spiffy new spandex suit complete with cape. He spends a few glorious minutes teaching himself how to fly, and then General Zod arrives with his Kryptonian henchmen, eager for some space vengeance. Zod demands that the people of Earth must hand over Superman, but he’s got ulterior motives involving terraforming the Earth into a new Krypton. And Supes isn’t having any of that.

There have been a lot of mixed reviews about this movie. I don’t know why. It’s pretty solid. The action scenes are cool, and some of the dialog/exposition scenes are cheesy, but it’s a summer blockbuster and that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s smarter than most comic book flicks. The movie is non-linear and a lot of important moments are revealed in flashbacks. It’s important to note that aside from the opening scene, Clark has no direct contact with his two father figures. He only experiences Jor-El through the holographic representation of his consciousness, and you only know Jonathan Kent (Kevin Costner) through flashbacks. There are a few notable changes from the comics. For starters, Lois knows that Clark Kent is Superman pretty quickly. That kind of changes their whole relationship (traditionally she worships Superman and ignores Clark). For some unnecessary reason, Perry White is black and Jimmy Olsen had a sex change and became Jenny Olsen. Neither change has any effect on the plot whatsoever.

Superman is a Christian allegory and this movie really rubs it in your face. You only know Jesus as a baby, then briefly as a young adolescent, and then when he finally returns as a savior at the ripe old age of 33. That’s how you experience the Man of Steel in this movie. As a baby, as a tween, and again as an adult who mentions that he’s 33 a few times throughout the movie. He even does the obligatory crucifixion pose.

This isn’t your Richard Donner/Christopher Reeve Superman… this is Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan’s version of Superman. It’s noticeably darker, more intense, and more gritty. It strives to be more realistic than fantastic and it succeeds for the most part. But Superman isn’t supposed to be gritty. He’s supposed to be about hope and he’s supposed to inspire you. That’s where this film falls short. It’s not as fun and not as thrilling as what you’d want from a Superman movie. There isn’t as much of a sense of wonder. There are no reaction shots of citizens craning their necks to the sky as Superman does something spectacular.

There are two major fight scenes that deserve to be discussed. The first takes place in Kansas, and Superman takes on two of Zod’s soldiers while simultaneously being attacked by the US Army. I think this is the best sequence of the film. The fight choreography is intense and explosive, and it’s set amidst a backdrop of Americana. A small town is suddenly host to an intergalactic battle, and the local 7-Eleven, IHOP, and Sears are all demolished in the process. The climactic fight between Superman and Zod takes place in Metropolis and the city gets leveled in the process. Building after building gets destroyed, and after a while you stop caring. It gets boring. The two invincible foes exchange punch after punch, blow after blow, fly around smashing into buildings and landmarks, and are stuck in a complete stalemate (until someone gets the upper hand and wins. Spoiler: Superman wins).

Man of Steel is not a perfect movie. But you can say that about any movie. I will be bold and say that this is the best Superman movie to date. It has great action sequences, great characters, great actors, and a serviceable plot. If you see one movie this summer, you should see the movie I made with your mom last night. If you see two movies this summer, Man of Steel should be the second.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Graham Cracker

Graham crackers were invented by a minister named Sylvester Graham. They were a fixture of a diet partially designed to curb masturbation. Seriously. You can’t make that shit up. He thought that eating bland food would suppress your carnal urges. A graham cracker is a lightly sweetened type of cracker that tastes almost like a cookie, except it’s slightly healthier for you. Graham crackers are a staple of children’s lunches and day care snack times around the world. They are a crucial part of your childhood. Your affection for graham crackers starts to wane once you hit puberty. Can you even remember the last time you had just a graham cracker and nothing else? S’mores don’t count. You haven’t had a graham cracker by itself since middle school, admit it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Using a Shirt as a Seat Cover

Some people are fond of using an old T-shirt as a seat cover in their car. Some people need to stop doing that. The only thing that you should use as a seat cover is an actual seat cover. A T-shirt seat cover freaks me out. I always notice it out of the corner of my eye, and I think that there’s somebody just sitting in the car watching me and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. There’s no reason to use a shirt as a seat cover. You might think that you’re being artsy and resourceful, everyone else thinks that you’re tacky and cheap. And they are right. It’s a great way to bring down the retail value of a car. Imagine a brand new red Ferrari, straight off the lot. Now imagine that same Ferrari, but with a ratty old shirt as a seat cover. It goes from being an awesome car to a being a joke. It’s social suicide and it needs to stop. Make sure everyone gets the memo.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Glare in Your Eyes

It’s still relatively early in the morning and you have some down time, so you bust out your tablet or smart phone. You want to catch up on the news, but the sun has other ideas, and it decides to reflect off your screen and leave a glare in your eyes. You’ll try blocking the sunlight with your free hand, you’ll trying moving around, but you can’t do anything to escape the solar rays. The anti-glare screen protector doesn’t seem to be doing its job, based on the fact that you’re slowly going blind. You’ll struggle your way past the glare, because anything is better than putting your electronic device away and acknowledging that the people around you actually exist.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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