September 28, 2012 · 9:36 am

Use Your Fucking Turn Signal

Hey buddy, use your fucking turn signal. That’s awesome that you wanna turn here, but I can’t read your fucking mind. Nothing can penetrate that thick skull of yours. There’s no good reason to ignore your blinkers. Maybe you’re rebelling against public safety, maybe you’re just being lazy, or maybe you’re just a rude, inconsiderate dickhole. You have turn signals. I can see them right there. Even if they are broken you can still use those stupid arm gestures that they teach you in driver’s ed.

They install turn signals in cars for a reason. If you’re the kind of driver who consciously chooses to ignore them, do us all a favor and ignore your headlights too. You deserve to die in a car crash. Just don’t take anyone with you, motherfucker.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 28, 2012 · 9:33 am

Caffeine-Free Diet Coke

Coca-Cola Classic is the number one soda in the world. It’s the best soda; even Pepsi drinkers have to concede to the fact that Coke drinkers are more abundant, more loyal, and more awesome.

That said, I can’t comprehend that they also make a diet version with no caffeine. You just took away two of the best parts of Coke. No sugar and no caffeine? Why don’t you just drink water? It doesn’t even taste like Coke. It tastes like Diet Coke and Diet Coke doesn’t taste anything like Coke. But don’t worry. They’ve already started testing out Coca-Cola Zero Caffeine Free in a few test markets.

I don’t even think you can legally call it a soda if it has no caffeine and no sugar. It’s just flavored brown water with bubbles and chemicals. Refreshing.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 27, 2012 · 9:57 am

Smartphones

The world changed when the iPhone came out in 2007. That’s when smartphones kicked into high gear. Getting rid of buttons was a godsend. We all woke up one day and suddenly there was a phone with a touchscreen interface. Not just a phone. It’s a camera, a gaming console, a music player, you can watch movies and TV shows and listen to the radio, it’s a personal GPS and will show you how to get anywhere, you have the internet and more apps than you can count. With the iPhones and iClones anyone with a steady paycheck can have a portable computer in their pocket.

Once you have that kind of power in your hands, you can do anything. There are stories of people using their iPhones to find out how to perform first aid. Smartphones have literally saved lives. But most of the time you just use it to find out which guy was in that movie or to settle drunken arguments (yes, you can be allergic to water, my iPhone says so).

The only downside to smartphones is that smartphones make dumb people. You get addicted to your device. You always have to check Facebook or your email. Maybe Justin Bieber posted a new picture on Twitter. You have to respond to Becky’s text. You become a slave to it. But so be it. Once you have a smartphone you can’t go back to a beeper.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 27, 2012 · 9:53 am

Taking Up the Whole Sidewalk

You’re strolling down the city sidewalk. It’s a nice day, the birds are singing, and you’re moving along briskly. And then you see a family of six tourists walking side-by-side taking up the whole sidewalk. They’re moving at a snail’s pace, constantly stopping to gaze at shiny things, and they are causing a pedestrian traffic jam on the sidewalk. I’m not in any particular rush but I don’t yield to sidewalk takers. I’m not saying you have to walk single file, but if you would kindly get the fuck out of my way I’d appreciate it. I’m not above accidently elbowing your kid if it means I get some room to pass your family.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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September 26, 2012 · 10:14 am

King Kong (2005 film)

What’s the next project you tackle after you make one of the most successful film trilogies of all time, making billions of dollars and winning multiple Oscars in the process? If you’re Peter Jackson, you do a remake of a movie about a monkey that already had another remake. He could have done anything he wanted after the Lord of the Rings and he chose to spend $207 million making a movie that everybody’s already seen. And it made $550.5 million. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody are the main characters, an unsuccessful actress and a published playwright respectively, who are duped into working for a shady filmmaker played by a miscast Jack Black. They head out to Skull Island to film a movie with a ragtag cast and crew. Skull Island is a place that time forgot about, inhabited by dinosaurs, gigantic insects, and, of course, King Kong.

Kong takes a fancy to Naomi Watts and kidnaps her. Adrien Brody has to save her because he’s the hero and it’s in the script. There are lots of cool sequences on the island, and eventually Kong is chloroformed and captured and Jack Black takes him back to New York City where he opens a show with an enslaved Kong as the star.

Kong escapes and tries to find the sexy blonde woman that stole his heart and destroys a city in the process before he climbs the Empire State Building and gets shot by fighter planes. Then Jack Black says, “It wasn’t the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast.” But you know that’s not true. You fucking see the fucking planes kill fucking Kong. Maybe he was speaking metaphorically, but you clearly see the planes murder the monkey.

King Kong drags on a bit in the beginning. It’s more than an hour before you see Kong for the first time. It’s called King Kong. Bring on the main attraction already. Once he shows up the movie takes off. There are a couple of cool creature sequences, highlighted by the fight between Kong and three wannabe T-rexes.  There’s also an ambitious scene with stampeding dinosaurs and shoddy CG work. It could have been cool, but it looks stupid.

Jack Black is miscast. Adrien Brody has a big fucking nose. Naomi Watts is sexy. Colin Hanks has a part in this movie because he has a famous dad. There is a stupid subplot between the Captain and a young cabin boy. Andy Serkis plays King Kong and has a role as the ship’s cook. He plays CG creatures better than he plays people. The less you see his face, the better.

Peter Jackson’s King Kong is both an homage to old Hollywood films and a current reminder that people will pay money to see unoriginal movies again and again and again. It has its moments, but it’s a bloated and unnecessary production. The world did not need another King Kong movie. But we got one.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 26, 2012 · 10:07 am

A Stubborn Booger

You are trying to act casual but you have a stubborn booger in your nose that refuses to budge. You’ve tried blowing your nose. You’ve tried picking your nose. Nothing works. You’ll give yourself a nosebleed before you remove that ball of nasal mucus. All you can do is hope that it isn’t visible. A stubborn booger is like a wedgie on your face. It’s not obvious to other people but it’s uncomfortable and it’s slowly driving you crazy.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 25, 2012 · 9:51 am

Something in your Teeth

You’re talking to your crush and things are going well. You’re maintaining eye contact, you’re both smiling and laughing over stupid jokes, and you’re feeling good about that little encounter a few minutes later when your friend walks up and casually mentions that you have something in your teeth. Fuck. Maybe that’s what she was smiling at you. Maybe she was laughing at you. Maybe she’s still laughing now.

It seems like you always get something in your teeth before a job interview or meeting someone for the first time. You’re never the one to notice that you have something in your teeth either. Someone else always points it out… and you ate lunch 3 hours ago. Fuck.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 25, 2012 · 9:48 am

Breaking the Seal

Be careful about breaking the seal and plan accordingly. One of the biggest mistakes you can make while drinking is breaking the seal too early. It’s all over once you give in to your bladder and take that first drunken pee. Breaking the seal means that every other beer results in a trip to the bathroom. That could lead to disaster when everyone on your team is relying on you to flip that cup or pong that beer and you’re too busy worry about pissing your pants.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 24, 2012 · 4:16 am

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the real-life Truman Show. They grew up on camera. Blah, blah, blah, they became famous co-starring as Michelle Tanner on Full House. They had a bunch of shitty direct-to-video movies and a few big screen flops. They had their own Wal-Mart clothing line. They made millions and millions of dollars. Remember them now?

But when they turned eighteen, everybody stopped caring about them. Because America is filled with pedophiles. The only time the Olsen Twins make headlines now is when they look like they are about to die from drugs or when one of them kills Heath Ledger. All their fans grew up and stopped giving a fuck. They were America’s longest fad.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan Young

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September 24, 2012 · 4:09 am

Advertisements Before Movie Trailers

If you’re a movie buff and spend as much time online as I do, you might have noticed a growing trend with websites putting advertisements before movie trailers. A movie trailer is basically a glorified commercial for film. It’s offering glimpses of the best parts so that you hopefully will pay money to watch the whole thing. So advertisements before movie trailers are essentially just commercials for commercials. This is capitalism at its best.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 23, 2012 · 3:09 am

Hiccups

There isn’t really anything more annoying and embarrassing than having the hiccups. Hiccups are an awesome example of onamonapia. It sounds like what it is. Hiccups are repeated audible spasms of your diaphragm. It’s your body’s way of making everyone look at you when you don’t want them to. Whenever you get the hiccups, some jerk will inevitably come up to you and say, “Oh, you got the hiccups, huh?” It’s like playing solitaire; some asshole feels the need to interrupt you to point out the obvious.

Everyone has their own secret remedy for getting rid of the hiccups. Your mom would advise you to hold your breath, count to ten, drink water, or drink water upside down with a spoon to your temple. Your dad always tried to scare them out of you. The terrifying thing is that nothing is fool proof and you can get stuck with the hiccups for days, weeks, months and sometimes years. People actually get the hiccups and never get rid of them until the day they day. I think about that every time I get the drunken hiccups and I wanna get rid of them as quickly as possible. Drunken hiccups are even worse than regular hiccups. Not only do you have the fucking hiccups, but everyone thinks you’re an amateur.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 23, 2012 · 3:05 am

Getting Up For Your Stop Too Early

You’re on the train or bus heading for your destination and you know that your stop is coming up. In fact, it’s the next stop. So you ding the dingy and get up and shuffle towards the door. But then the vehicle stops at a light or yields for a pedestrian and you’re stuck standing awkwardly by the exit. The clock keeps ticking and seconds turn to minutes and you realize you got up too early. You glance back at your seat and a stressed-out guy in a business suit has already taken it. You were too anxious and karma kicked you in the ass this time. The only thing you can do is act like you meant to get up, like you wanted to stretch your legs or be polite or some other nonsensical reason. Nobody buys it. You fucked up and everyone else knows it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 22, 2012 · 12:39 am

Watchmen (film)

Alan Moore’s Watchmen is regarded by many to be the best graphic novel of all time. Zack Snyder’s big screen adaptation is a valiant effort to capture the magic of the comic on film but the end result is somewhat disappointing. The comic is a perfect comic. The film is flawed and you’re a fool if you think its anywhere close to perfect.

It could have been worse though. It’s obvious that Zack Snyder respects the source material. He uses lines and scenes taken directly from the book. The whole first half of the movie is just like the comic. Then it starts deviating from it. And you realize there is no master plan involving kidnapped scientists and artists. So they had to change the ending. And fans don’t like it when you change the iconic ending to an iconic story.

Another problem with the movie is that they spend all the time establishing the main characters and ignoring the minor characters like the citizens of New York. So when NYC blows up and millions of people die, you don’t care because you didn’t know any of them. The director’s cut gives the Bernards a little more screen time, but if you only saw Watchmen in theaters you only catch a few glimpses of them.

The casting is pretty solid. Jackie Earle Haley steals the show as Rorschach. Jeffrey Dean Morgan does a great job as the Comedian, and it’s hard to play a character that you mostly get to know through flashbacks. Patrick Wilson does a good job as Nite Owl. Malin Åkerman plays a decent Silk Spectre II and you get to see her boobies (always a good thing). I don’t know about Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan. His delivery is too distant and monotonous and the blue CG wang is distracting.

Some of the actors are miscast. Carla Gugino can’t pull off playing the aging Silk Spectre, and even though she’s pretty to look at, it’s not enough to hide the fact that she can’t act. The worst decision was hiring Matthew Goode to play Ozymandias. In the comic Ozymandias is a super strong athletic gymnast with an intellect off the charts. Matthew Goode can play smart well. But he’s not physically intimidating. He looks skinny and sickly like he’s recovering from chemo.

If you liked the comic, you’ll probably enjoy the movie. If you never read the comic, I doubt you would know what the fuck is going on. It’s a really dense story and the movie tries to cram twelve issues of the comic into a few hours of screen time. Shit is going to be left out, cut out, or butchered. The movie will suffer as a result. It’s not a bad movie. It’s loud. It looks cool. There’s fighting and nudity and masked vigilantes. But it’s not the comic.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 22, 2012 · 12:30 am

Something In Your Eye

It’s a glorious day in the sunshine and you’re having the time of your life. Then the wind blows and something gets in your eye. It burns, it stings, and it won’t stop hurting. A broken heart, a punctured lung, childbirth… nothing is nearly as painful (not to mention annoying) as having something in your eye. It’s weird how even the smallest speck of insignificance can make you want to gauge out your own eyeball in order to feel the smallest amount of relief. You’ll try to blink it out. You’ll try using your finger to poke it off. You’ll stick your face under the faucet for fifteen minutes to flush it out. You’ll ask the closest person if they see anything in your eye.

In eighth grade I was on a field trip and got something in my eye. I tried everything to get it out and nothing worked. Blinking, flushing it out, ignoring it, nothing. I ended up going to the hospital. They applied some chemical eye drops and turned on a black light so my eye would glow. And they found a speck of dirt. At least I wasn’t imagining it. I’m sure my dad’s insurance company loved that claim.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 21, 2012 · 9:41 am

Leash Kids

There’s a simple way to tell if you are a bad parent. Look at your kid. Is it on a leash? If yes, then you are a bad parent. Disguising the leash as an animal tail isn’t fool anyone and it’s insulting to your kid. Holding onto your kid’s monkey tail and avoiding actual human contact doesn’t make you a good parent. It makes you lazy. If you’re worried about your kid getting lost, wandering off, or getting kidnapped, that’s only natural. But you should hold their hand, not a leash. A toddler is not a dog. Kids are supposed to run around and play. They are kids. That’s what they do. You’re not supposed to tie them up and confine them. Let them be kids.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 21, 2012 · 9:39 am

Using Hand Gestures on the Phone

Every once in a while you catch yourself doing something stupid. Like using hand gestures on the phone for example. You’re in the middle of a passionate discussion and you’re using hand gestures to stress your point. Then you realize that they can’t see you, but other people can. And you look like an idiot. The more you flail your arms, the more attention you draw to yourself. Using hand gestures on the phone is a deterrent to talking on the phone in public. If you’re going to bug other people with your phone call, you might as well look like an asshole.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 20, 2012 · 9:55 am

Wake and Bake

Some mornings you just wake up and need to blaze before you start your day. There are a lot or reasons for a wake and bake. For starters, it’s one of the best cures for a hangover. Sometimes you know you have some bullshit to deal with (like jury duty) and being high would make things so much more interesting. Most of the time it’s simply because being stoned is awesome. The best way to start your day is with a big bowl of weedies.

Do the wake and bake before breakfast and experience the best meal of your life. Bacon was always tasty, but nothing beats stoney bacon. Eggs taste better. Pancakes are more delicious. Waffles and bagels and hash browns. Haha, HASH browns… its all better with a little THC.

The only downside to the wake and bake is that you might get tired later. The doctor says to smoke more weed and drink caffeine and stay out of the sun. And a power nap never hurt anyone.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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