Tag Archives: kids

Crappy Kid Art

I’m at that precious age where about half my friends seem to be having kids. That means my Facebook feed is being constantly bombarded with pictures of kids and kid-related stuff posted by proud parents. And let me tell you, there are a lot of posts of crappy kid art. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t look like a dog at all. I wouldn’t have known that it was a dog if it wasn’t labeled as a dog. I’m not impressed. I could draw a dog way better than that. A friend of mine showed off a picture of her daughter’s rainbow. It wasn’t a rainbow at all. It wasn’t arched, it wasn’t layered, and the color scheme was all off. It was just a bunch of differently colored squiggly lines swirled together. A blind person with Parkinson’s disease could draw a better rainbow. Call me old fashioned, but I miss the old days when crappy kid art was confined to the refrigerator.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

art-kid

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Filed under People I Feel Sorry For, Random Rants

Lemonade Stand

I grew up in the suburbs in the ‘90s, back when it was still safe for kids to set up a lemonade stand outside on the street. The lemonade stand was an integral part of growing up. It was the few sources of income available. You could either mow the lawn, do random chores, or set up a lemonade stand. Lemonade stands were the best way to make cash. Mix some lemonade powder mix into a few pitchers of water and you’ll be turning a profit in no time. Lemonade stands used to be commonplace. You hardly see them anymore. Kids are too busy playing on tablets inside the house. I know I’m going to be a bitter old man because I already am one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

lemonade-stand

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Filed under Drinks

Leash Kids

There’s a simple way to tell if you are a bad parent. Look at your kid. Is it on a leash? If yes, then you are a bad parent. Disguising the leash as an animal tail isn’t fool anyone and it’s insulting to your kid. Holding onto your kid’s monkey tail and avoiding actual human contact doesn’t make you a good parent. It makes you lazy. If you’re worried about your kid getting lost, wandering off, or getting kidnapped, that’s only natural. But you should hold their hand, not a leash. A toddler is not a dog. Kids are supposed to run around and play. They are kids. That’s what they do. You’re not supposed to tie them up and confine them. Let them be kids.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

The Miracle of Life

The miracle of life is not that you exist… It’s that you exist despite impossible odds. Think about it. Every single living organism came from another organism before it. In the case of complex life, you only exist because your parents existed and copulated and you popped out. You go back further and your parents only existed because your grandparents existed and they copulated and popped out your parents and somehow your parents met and out of all of his sperm and her eggs, you were the end result. And you go back further: your grandparents came from your great-grandparents, and on and on it goes. You can trace your fucking family tree all the way back to amoebas in theory.

It’s amazing to think that everything alive is only alive because their parents fucked and their parents before them fucked and all life is derived from the successful fucks that end up in births. So if you die a virgin, you might go to heaven but you didn’t contribute to anything down here.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants