Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

May 31, 2013 · 8:56 am

The Expiration Date

I’m not a picky eater, but I always pay attention to the expiration date. Especially with milk. I can’t drink milk if it’s expired. It doesn’t matter if it’s the day after it expires or if it’s the exact date. I just can’t do it. I’m even a little reluctant if I notice that tomorrow is the expiration date. It somehow makes the milk taste sour and weird. It’s all psychological, but it still tastes funny. Bottled water also has an expiration date, and I’d sooner pour it down the drain than drink it. I know that the expiration date is not the end of the world. I’m totally ok with eating canned goods after the expiration date, provided it’s within a week or two of the expiration date. I figure if it can last for years without spoiling, it’s earned a few days’ grace period. But it still tastes funny.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 30, 2013 · 10:22 am

Taco Bell Cantina Steak Burrito

Eating at Taco Bell is never a great idea, but sometimes you get the craving for mystery meat wrapped in a fake tortilla. You’ll make the trek to Taco Bell and order a combo meal and regret it a few bites in. Taco Bell isn’t really known for its quality food. But now they have a new burrito, the Cantina Steak Burrito, and it almost tastes like a real burrito. It’s the closest thing to actual food that they have on the menu. It was created by Chef Lorena Garcia, and I don’t know who she is, but she’s all over the advertisements for it so I’m assuming she’s famous. It has thick cut marinated steak, black beans, Latin rice, romaine lettuce, guacamole, pico de gallo, corn, pepper salsa, and cilantro dressing. It sounds better than it actually is. It’s still Taco Bell, so it’s still terrible. But at least they are trying to make their food edible now.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 25, 2013 · 9:52 am

Star Wars Episode II Cereal

Star Wars Episode II Cereal was a promotional cereal released by General Mills. It’s probably my favorite cereal of all time, and I only had it for a few glorious weeks before it vanished from store shelves. It was sweetened corn puffs with marshmallows shaped like clone troopers, little Yodas, space ships, little R2-D2s, and lightsabers… it was basically Kix with marshmallows. And it was Star Wars related, which makes it exponentially better. It was so good that they rehashed it for Episode III. The only difference is that the Episode III Cereal included R2-D2, C-3PO, and lightsaber-shaped marshmallows. I remember going into a Big Lots in December of 2002 and seeing a whole aisle of discounted boxes of Episode II Cereal for 99¢ each. I bought fifty boxes and finished my Christmas shopping at the same time. I wish there was a way of knowing you’re in the good old days before you left them. I miss that cereal.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 4, 2013 · 9:53 am

Ice Cream Cake

Cake is good but it also causes a lot of debate about which type of cake is the best. Some people like the classics like carrot cake or cheesecake, while others prefer red velvet or Tiramisu. There are a lot of cakes out there. There are a lot of options. But nothing beats ice cream cake. As soon as people start the next cake debate, all you have to do is mention ice cream cake and everyone will shut up in agreement. Ice cream cake is the ultimate dessert. It is just what it sounds like: cake made out of ice cream. It combines two of the best desserts of all time into one holy super dessert. Ice cream cake is a rare treat. You only see it on special occasions, like a going away party or for a Bar Mitzvah. I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish everyday was another day for ice cream cake. I think the world would be a better place.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 30, 2013 · 11:02 am

Energy Club Salted Pistachios

People like to eat nuts. Peanuts, walnuts, and cashews seem to be the most in demand, but very few people can resist a good pistachio. Energy Club Salted Pistachios are Roasted & Salted to Perfection, and my taste buds will agree to that statement. Most brands of pistachios have a ratio of one unopenable nut per ten openable nuts. Energy Club has a ratio of one defective pistachio per twenty-five regular ‘stachios. I don’t have the numbers to back it up, but it seems like Energy Club gives you more accessible pistachios than the competition. And pistachios are expensive these days so you want to make sure you get your money’s worth. They are all natural and the ingredients are simply pistachio nuts, dry roasted with salt added. The package also carries a warning” “Contains Pistachios.” I certainly hope it does, otherwise what the fuck am I paying for?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 29, 2013 · 10:38 am

Hot Pockets Pepperoni Pizza

Hot Pockets Pepperoni Pizza is the frozen microwavable pizza pocket that you grew up with. It’s glob of melted cheese, grease, and meat with a terrible tasting dough holding it all together. The end result is a turnover that tastes somewhat similar to a slice of pizza. The filling will be hot enough to burn the roof of your mouth with one bite and will be ice cold with the next. There is no such thing as a perfectly cooked Hot Pocket. It simply can’t be done. Or so I thought. I was looking at my Hot Pocket wrapper and I noticed that there are instructions for cooking the Hot Pocket in the oven, so I tried baking it instead of nuking it. It takes about 28 minutes to cook in the oven (not including preheating) and that’s a ridiculously long time to wait for a fucking Hot Pocket… but the filling was consistently hot throughout, the crust was nice and crunchy, it was as close to perfection as any Hot Pocket could be. But there’s not point using the oven to cook microwavable food. It defeats the purpose of buying microwavable food.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 28, 2013 · 10:40 am

Popcorn Chicken

Popcorn chicken are bite-sized pieces of chicken that are deep-fried. They make a mediocre meal but a significant snack. It’s probably made of all the rejected pieces of chicken that weren’t good enough to be served, but the taste is all that matters. Who doesn’t like fried chicken? Especially when they are bite-sized and boneless? You pop one after another into your mouth and enjoy them… until they get cold and gross and you ask yourself why you bought Popcorn Chicken. It’s kind of a fucking oxymoron, it doesn’t even make sense. It always seems like a good idea until you order them, then you start to regret your decision pretty quickly. I first experienced popcorn chicken at KFC, and they’ve since caught on and I’ve seen them on a few different restaurant menus. They are usually listed as an appetizer, but you shouldn’t have any qualms about ordering them as your entrée. Popcorn chicken: because bones are so yesterday.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 22, 2013 · 10:23 am

Lay’s Sriracha Potato Chips

Lay’s Classic Potato chips are the stereotypical American potato chip. They are small and greasy and nothing special. Until now. Now they have a Sriracha-infused potato chip, it’s part of a customer contest that brought us a few other potato chip flavors, such as Chicken & Waffles and Cheesy Garlic Bread. The Sriracha flavor is probably the best of the bunch. The first chip you pop in your mouth tastes like a regular Lay’s chip. But as you start munching on more chips, they start getting hotter and hotter. The spicy flavor isn’t apparent at first, but it slowly starts building its intensity. It creeps up on you like a good sativa. The spiciness lingers long after each bite. You’ll be sweating after a handful. I think it’s the perfect amount of spicy. Less intense than Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, but still hot enough for a jalapeno lover. Give them a try.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 21, 2013 · 9:33 am

Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dog

I don’t know what kind of degree Dr. Stein has, but he makes the quintessential bagel dog. A bagel dog is a hot dog encased in bagel bread. Kinda like a corn dog, but without the stick and bagel dough instead of cornbread. Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dog is all beef and certified kosher for all you hot dog loving Jews out there. It’s microwavable but it tastes better when you cook it in the oven. Here’s your random bagel dog fact of the day: Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dogs have a Facebook and Twitter account but they don’t have an entry on Wikipedia. That’s kind of creepy in this digital world we’re living in. If you’re not on Wikipedia, than you don’t exist.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 20, 2013 · 9:22 am

Triscuit Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil

I like Triscuit Crackers more than saltines or Ritz Crackers. I think they are more filling, have a satisfying crunch, and they go better with cheese and salami. I usually get the regular flavor but the store was out so I settled for the Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil flavor. I bought it, took it home, opened it up, and popped one in my mouth. And then I remembered why I only get the regular flavored Triscuits. A cracker is like a slice of bread. It’s just the base layer for cheese, meat, veggies, a sauce or a dip. It’s supposed to be bland. It enhances by adding texture. It’s supposed to be a supporting role, a guest star. It’s not supposed to steal the show. But the Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil is too overwhelming, it’s too noticeable. They need to tone down the flavor and make it more subtle. Less is more (that’s what he said).

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 12, 2013 · 9:51 am

Rold Gold Pretzel Tiny Twists

Pretzels are an underrated snack food. It seems like potato chips get all the attention. Rold Gold Tiny Twists are the basic bite-sized pretzels that you grew up with. They are salty and delicious. They make a great drinking food. They aren’t greasy and won’t leave any residue on your fingers. You can pop them into your mouth by the handful or you can break one up into smaller pieces and take your time eating it. And the salty flavor makes you want to drink more. And any excuse to drink more is ok with me.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 5, 2013 · 9:23 am

Crust

When it comes to crust, you either love it or hate it. Crust is like the pulp of the bread world. You either like pulp or you don’t, there is no in-between. It’s the same way with crust. You either eat the entire slice of pizza or you leave the crust behind. You either eat the whole slice of bread or you cut the crust off like a little kid. Crust is important. It can make or break a pizza, and it’s the most nutritious part of bread. Crust is good and it’s good for you, most of the time at least. The only exception is if you have crust on your crotch. If you do, you should probably get that checked out.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 30, 2013 · 10:02 am

Cold Pizza

Devouring a slice of cold pizza is the best way to declare to the world that you just don’t give a fuck. Pizza is delicious no matter what. It’s pretty hard to fuck up a slice. You pretty much have to burn your DiGiorno or drop it on the ground to make it inedible. Pizza is preferably served hot or at least lukewarm, but sometimes a slice of cold pizza hits the spot. Greasy, cheesy bread really can be served at any temperature and be a delicacy. Cold pizza is a great example of how versatile the Italian pie can be. Plus any meat topping is a bonus. Extra points for sausage.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 29, 2013 · 9:53 am

Don’t Go Down the Aisles at the Grocery Store

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Americans are fat. Not all of us, but more than half of us are, and that makes us a nation of fatties. There’s no denying it. It’s a fact. We are fat because we eat like shit. We eat processed foods and preservatives, we guzzle soda like it’s water, and we consider ketchup to be a vegetable. But there’s an easy solution to avoid getting thunder thighs or an extra chin: don’t go down the aisles at the grocery store. What a simple but brilliant concept. Think about it, everything that is bad for you is in the aisles: cookies, junk food, canned goods, TV dinners, soda, all that hoopla. But if you just stick to the perimeter you’ll get all the essentials like fresh veggies, fruit, bread, milk, cheese, eggs, meat, fish, and all the stuff that you really need. Hell, even beer, wine, and hard alcohol are usually around the perimeter… like I said, all the essentials. Avoiding the aisles is an easy way to eat healthy. Remember that the next time you go shopping.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 28, 2013 · 8:47 am

Kettle Sea Salt Chips

Kettle Brand potato chips are my preferred brand of chips, and Sea Salt is one of my go-to flavors. Kettle Sea Salt Chips look similar to your basic Lay’s potato chip, only less greasy, more crunchy, and with more flavor. It’s basically an improvement in every way. The only downside to them is that they aren’t Krinkle Kut like some of the other Kettle Chip flavors. That makes them slightly less fun, but they are still better than 90% of the potato chips out on the market. Kettle is one of those companies that loves the environment and sustainability. They use wind power and biodiesel and all that hippie shit. But they didn’t sacrifice any flavor and still make gourmet chips. Kudos to them.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 24, 2013 · 10:32 am

Mustard Stain

I like mustard but it doesn’t like me. It’s always trying to escape from my sandwich and attack my shirt. It usually succeeds too. You can tell whenever I had a sandwich or a hot dog for lunch by the enormous mustard stain on my shirt. It’s always mustard too. I don’t have these problems with mayo or ketchup or any other condiment. Mustard just has it in for me. Oh well, I’d rather have a mustard stain on my shirt than Sriracha is my eye.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 20, 2013 · 9:58 am

Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

Taco Bell struck gold a few months ago when it launched their Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos. It was inevitable that there would be a sequel. And so now we have Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. Americans like to put ranch on everything and apparently that includes fake Mexican fast food. I don’t know why they couldn’t have followed it up with Salsa Verde or another flavor that makes sense, but whatever. I tried it because I’m extreme like that and I live on the edge. I liked it. It wasn’t as ranchy as I thought it would be and that’s a good thing. It tastes like a regular shitty Taco Bell taco but with hints of Cool Ranch. Try it out. There’s really no reason not to. The crazy thing about them is all that fake Cool Ranch/Nacho Cheese powder doesn’t add any calories. A regular taco and a Doritos Locos taco are both 78 calories and 113 calories if you go Supreme. That really is crazy. There’s no cure for cancer, there’s no solution to global warming… but we got tacos figured out. Good job, scientists.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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