Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

May 17, 2014 · 10:02 am

The Pier 39 Sea Lions

I work at a restaurant in the San Francisco tourist trap known as Pier 39. There are a few restaurants and attractions worth checking out, but the sea lions are the only major reason to check out Pier 39. The sea lions starting hanging out at Pier 39 during September of 1989. At first there were only a dozen or so, but word spread amongst the sea lion community that Pier 39 was a haven from sharks, killer whales, and had an ample food supply. By 2009 there were as many as 1,700 sea lions calling Pier 39 home. That’s a lot of pinnipeds. There aren’t always that many sea lions. Most of them leaving during the winter months, but they typically return by springtime. During spring and summer there are usually a couple hundred lounging out on the docks. Now it’s time for some pinniped facts! Pinniped is Latin for fin feet. Pinnipeds include sea lions, seals, and walruses. You can tell a walrus by its tusks, but it’s harder to tell seals and sea lions apart. The main difference lies in the ears. Seals don’t have ears, only stupid little ear holes where the ears should be. Sea lions have nifty little ear flaps. Seals are silent loners that flop around awkwardly on land. Sea lions are loud social creatures that gather in large groups and can walk on all fours on land. They are called sea lions because they are the lions of the sea – aggressive, agile, carnivores that believe in the circle of life.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as pier 39, pier 39 sea lions, pinniped, pinnipeds, san francisco, sea lion, sea lions

May 15, 2014 · 10:11 am

Paper Cut

A paper cut is a small cut that you get from a piece of paper. Even though they are small cuts, they are deceptively painful. You can die from them. You probably won’t, but it’s still a possibility. You could get a paper cut on a major artery and bleed out, or the paper cut could get infected, or the piece of paper could be poisoned. There are lots of ways to die from a paper cut. It’s one of the main reasons why I won’t ever work in an office. It’s too dangerous. Paper cuts have been a fixture of pop culture for decades. There was a bully character on Nickelodeon’s The Adventures of Pete & Pete named Paper Cut. His gimmick was making deadly paper weapons. There was also the infamous scene in Jackass: The Movie where Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O get self-inflicted paper cuts. It makes me cringe every time. I wouldn’t wish a paper cut upon my worst enemy.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cut, painful, paper, paper cut, Paper cuts, piece of paper

May 13, 2014 · 9:18 am

Compulsive Liars

Compulsive liars are people who habitually lie for no reason at all. They lie about what they do, how much they make, what they did last night. They embellish, they exaggerate, they make up things. Everybody knows a compulsive liar, where everything that they say has to be taken with a grain of salt because half the things that they say are complete bullshit. Most of the times the things that they lie about aren’t worth lying about. I know a girl that claims she was Prom Queen and Valedictorian of her high school and she brings it up fairly regularly. My cousin went to the same school as her and can verify that she was neither of those. I confronted my friend with the truth, and she denied it and called my cousin a liar and a bitch. Then I took out her high school yearbook and she had to shut up and admit defeat. I wish I could say that she learned her lesson, but she still spins tall tales and false anecdotes every single day. I can’t trust her, so I can’t be her friend. Trust is integral in any relationship. You have to be able to trust your friends, your family, your lover, your coworkers, even public servants. You want to believe what they say is true, and you’ll believe them unless you have a reason not to. And you just can’t trust compulsive liars.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as compulsive liar, compulsive liars, lie, lying, truth

May 12, 2014 · 12:26 pm

Accidentally Poking Yourself in the Eye

Nothing makes you feel like a winner more than accidentally poking yourself in the eye. You’ll be washing your face and your finger will slip and suddenly there’s blinding pain, a flash of white, you see stars, and your eye starts to water. Not only does it hurt, but you feel like a dumbass and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Poking yourself in the eye is unavoidable. You could go months, years, even decades without having any phalange-ocular contact but it only takes one careless second to end that streak. Everybody accidentally pokes themselves in the eye at some point, and if you haven’t done it yet, then you are long overdue. Just try not to scratch your retina with your fingernail when it finally does happen.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as accidentally poking yourself in the eye, eye, finger, poke, poked, poking

May 10, 2014 · 8:42 am

Wearing a Band-Aid When You Don’t Need To

There’s something oddly comforting about wearing a Band-Aid when you don’t need to. Try it. Take a Band-Aid and stick it on your forehead. Notice how other people treat you. Notice how they treat you better. They assume that you’re injured and they feel bad for you. They even go out of their way to help you out. They send you sympathetic stares, they ask you questions out of concern, and they make you feel special and appreciated. All that attention is completely unwarranted, but they don’t need to know that you’re faking it. An unnecessary Band-Aid can be a fashion statement. Just look at Nelly. He’s still cool right?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as band-aid, bandaid, Nelly, wearing a band-aid when you don't need to

May 8, 2014 · 10:06 am

Toilet Paper Ply

Shit happens. And you need toilet paper when it does. But not just any toilet paper will suffice. You need to know which toilet paper ply to use. There are three types. There is one-ply (sometimes called single-ply), there is two-ply, and there is three-ply toilet paper. One-ply is a single layer of toilet paper. It’s rough and course, and it may cause anal bleeding. Two-ply is two layers of toilet paper. It’s softer, smoother, and more absorbent, and it is the most common type of T.P. Three-ply is three layers of toilet paper. It is really soft, the most absorbent and it feels like you’re wiping your ass with a cloud, but it’s the most wasteful by far. Everybody has a preference for toilet paper. I happen to be a two-ply guy myself. I have a frugal friend who prefers one-ply. He has the habit of converting double-ply into single-ply to make it last twice as long. I think he’s crazy, he thinks he’s thrifty.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as one-ply, ply, poo, shit, three-ply, toilet paper, two-ply

May 7, 2014 · 11:53 am

Cell Phone Wallet Case

A cell phone wallet case is exactly what it sounds like. It’s cell phone case that doubles as a wallet (or maybe it’s a wallet that doubles as a cell phone case). It sounds like a convenient way to keep organized, but it’s a terrible idea. It makes it way to easy to lose all your valuables in one fell swoop. Cell phone wallet cases are an invitation to thieves. You only have to turn your back for one second to have someone snatch your phone, cash, driver’s license, credit cards, baby pictures, and Jamba Juice 2-for1 coupon. And you were only one punch away from a free burrito too. Now you have to call the bank to cancel your cards and that’s hard to do when you have no phone. So you have to get a new phone and that’s hard to do when you have no money. Then you have to go to the DMV to get a new license and wait in line for half a day, kicking and cursing yourself the whole time for getting that damn cell phone wallet case.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cell phone, cell phone case, cell phone wallet case, cellphone, phone case, steal, thief, wallet

May 6, 2014 · 1:09 pm

Throwback Jerseys

Throwback jerseys are sports uniforms that are made to look like a team’s old jerseys. Almost every major American sports leagues have turn-back-the-clock nights where the teams wear throwback jerseys. The National Football League and the National Basketball Association have cool throwback jerseys, but I prefer Major League Baseball’s throwbacks. The MLB made throwback jerseys popular. The MLB has a much deeper, richer, and extensive history than the NFL and NBA. They have more memorable teams and stars from different eras. They also have an insanely long season so they have a lot more games where the players rock retro uniforms. Sometimes they even wear defunct Minor League team jerseys or even classic Negro League ones. They honor their past and they don’t run from it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as American sports leagues, baseball, major league baseball, mlb, National Basketball Association, National Football League, NBA, NFL, retro, throwback, throwback jerseys, throwback uniforms

May 5, 2014 · 2:19 pm

Don’t Offend the Plumber

I was at my friend’s house the other day and I was feeling parched so I asked him if I could grab a glass of water. He handed me a glass, I took it, and I went over to the sink. I turned on the faucet, filled my glass, and took a sip. It was warm. I dumped it out, filled up my glass again, and took another sip. It was even hotter. I dumped it out, double-checked the faucet and made sure that it was on the cold side, filled up my glass again, and took another sip. It was scalding hot. That’s when I realized that the hot and cold were switched. If I wanted cold water, I had to go turn it to the hot side. I asked my friend why it was reversed. He shook his head and told me the story of how he once accidently insulted a plumber that was fixing a leak. The plumber got offended and switched the hot and cold water out of spite. It’s been like that ever since. The moral of the story is don’t offend the plumber. He can fuck with your pipes and fuck with your mind.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cold, cold water, don't offend the plumber, faucet, hot, hot and cold, plumber

May 5, 2014 · 2:16 pm

Driving Without Your Headlights On

Headlights (or headlamps) are lamps attached to a vehicle that light up the road. They make driving at night a lot easier. It really helps being able to see where you are going. That’s why driving without your headlights on is dangerous and stupid. Most new cars have headlights that turn on automatically, but older models have to be turned on manually. It’s not uncommon to see someone driving around without their headlights turned on in a city because the streets are generally well lit and bright, no matter what time of the night it is. You should get the driver’s attention and point out that his headlights are off. Flashing your headlights is the universal way of saying “Yo dumbass, turn on your fucking lights!” And that dumbass will be thankful, because you made the world a safer place and he avoided getting a ticket. Sometimes you’re the dumbass driving without the lights on. You’ll try to justify it with some excuse or other. There is no excuse. You endangered lives. Somebody could have died. You should feel terrible.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as driving, driving without your headlights on, headlamps, headlights, off, on

May 3, 2014 · 9:04 am

Giving a Stranger Directions

I had a closing shift at work the other night and got out late. It was nearly midnight by the time I got to the subway station. All I wanted was to catch the first train and get home as soon as possible. As I was waiting for the train, a tourist came up to me and asked me how to get to his hotel. He told me the cross streets and showed me the general vicinity on a paper map that he was carrying. The map didn’t show any transit lines so I busted out Google Maps on my iPhone to find out the best way to get there. I found out the best route for him to take, and it turns out that my train was going his way. So I told him to follow me and I would tell him where and when to get off. I showed him the route that Google Maps recommended and handwrote the directions onto his paper map. We got to his stop, I pointed the way for him to walk, and I wished him luck. He thanked me a thousand times and I told him not to worry about it a thousand times. Giving a stranger directions is good karma. Especially when you take the time to give him the right directions. I should go buy a lotto ticket and capitalize.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as directions, giving a stranger directions, map, maps

May 2, 2014 · 10:04 am

Vertical Filming

Vertical filming is when you record a video on your smartphone without first rotating it 90 degrees. The end result is a tall and narrow video that doesn’t look natural. We see in landscape mode, not portrait mode. Movies and TV shows are often shot in widescreen. That’s what your eye wants to see. So the next time your friend does a drunken dance, flip your phone 90 degrees and record her shenanigans horizontally. You’ll notice you get a lot more hits on YouTube and more shares on Facebook. Film horizontally and save the world.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as film, horizontal, horizontal filming, landscape mode, phone, portrait mode, smartphone, vertical, vertical filming, video

May 1, 2014 · 11:34 am

Pedestrian Racing

Pedestrian racing is when you try to outwalk the other pedestrians on a crowded sidewalk. It’s human nature to compete with each other and you might not even be aware that you’re doing it, but the truth is that you’re constantly pedestrian racing. Watch any city sidewalk during rush hour and notice how everyone is racing each other, trying to get to their destination slightly faster than everyone else. You walk at a normal pace on an empty sidewalk, but you increase your stride with each additional pedestrian. You walk around old people and people talking on their phones and tourists taking pictures. You speed up and walk past slow-moving families and try to keep pace with the businessman rushing to a meeting. You don’t want anybody to walk faster than you. You want to be the best. Keep racing pedestrians and one day you could be.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as city sidewalk, outwalk, pedestrian, pedestrian racing, pedestrians, race, sidewalk, walk

May 1, 2014 · 11:33 am

Hickeys

Hickeys are bruises that are caused by kissing or sucking. Neck hickeys are the most common, but there are lots of other types of hickeys. Boob hickeys and thigh hickeys are some of the better ones. A hickey is a badge of honor when you’re a teenager, but they start to lose their appeal as you get older. You reach a certain point where you feel compelled to hide them with a turtleneck or a scarf, or you avoid neck sucking all together. And that’s a shame too, because sucking on a neck is always fun. Insert your own vampire joke here, I’m too lazy to think of a good one.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as bruises, hickeys, kissing, love bites, neck, sucking

April 29, 2014 · 1:54 pm

A Nice Day in San Francisco

I’m trying to find something to write about, but it’s extremely difficult because it’s perfect outside. People shit on San Francisco’s weather. They say that it’s cold and foggy all the time. And that’s mostly true, but we do get nice days every once in a while. A nice day in San Francisco is a blessing and everyone takes advantage of it. They turn off the TV and go outside to feel the warmth of the sun. Everyone goes to the beach or to the park. They ride bikes and go for hikes. The girls wear skimpy clothes. I lived in Los Angeles, where good weather is year round and they take it for granted. They don’t care that the sun is shining. They drive to the tanning salon while blasting the air conditioner. The girls wear skimpy clothes, but that’s because they are slutty not weather conscious. They don’t appreciate good weather because they have it all the time. A nice day in San Francisco is something that you can’t afford to squander. That makes it more worthwhile.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as a nice day in San Francisco, beach, los angeles, park, san francisco, weather

April 27, 2014 · 1:35 pm

Cutting In Line

Cutting in line is when you enter a line or a queue instead of waiting at the end like you’re supposed to. Nobody wants to wait in line. Waiting sucks. Cutting in line is so much more convenient. If you cut in line, you should expect other people to get pissed off. They have the right to, so you have to make it look like you’re not really cutting. There are a few tricks and techniques to avoid angering the other people waiting. I’ve discovered that coffee works really well for line cutting. If you have two or three friends waiting in line and you plan on joining them, you should bring a few cups of coffee so it looks like you were on a caffeine run for the group. Or you can pretend that you finally found a parking spot. Cutting in line is a social taboo that everyone does, but you only object to line cutters when you are behind them. You hypocrite.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as cut, cutting, cutting in line, line, line cutters, queue