Monthly Archives: September 2013

September 13, 2013 · 8:55 pm

Nickname

A nickname is an alternative/casual name for a person, place, or pet. Some people use generic nicknames: Robert will go by Bob. Richard will go by Rick or Dick. William becomes Will, Bill, Willy, or Billy. Those are cliché nicknames that don’t have any real meaning. A real nickname is something that you earn. It’s a badge of honor. Not everybody gets one. Some people get stuck with bad nicknames that become impossible to escape. My friend shat himself at a high school party and is still known as The Party Pooper almost ten years later. But a good nickname is a sign of endearment. If someone creates a good nickname for you, you should embrace it and consider yourself lucky. A good nickname can also double as an inside joke, and you can reminisce and reflect about how you got your nickname every time somebody says it. It’s like a bonding experience. I recently went on a trip to Vegas with a few friends, and we all came back with new nicknames for each other. You can’t force a nickname. The best nicknames are spur of the moment creations and are completely spontaneous. But they will last for a lifetime if they fit your personality.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 13, 2013 · 8:53 pm

Naked Berry Blast

Naked Berry Blast is a 100% juice smoothie with no added sugar, no preservatives, and it’s also vegan and gluten free. Despite all those drawbacks, it’s still a tasty beverage. Each Naked smoothie has an itemized breakdown of the fruits included. Berry Blast has 5 blackberries, 4 raspberries, 4 strawberries, 3 ½ apples, and ½ banana. You can taste the berries more than you can taste the apples and the banana. Blackberries and raspberries go well together, and strawberries make everything better, so it’s a pretty solid flavor medley. It tastes good and it’s good for you. It’s hard to beat that kind of winning combination.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 12, 2013 · 9:56 am

My Chest Hair

I finally have chest hair. Well, a chest hair. As in one single solitary chest hair. It only took me 28 years and five months to grow it, but I grew it, and it’s all mine. It’s attached by a root and everything. It even rustles gently in the breeze. I think that I got it from when I went to Vegas last week. I’m a man now, up there with Tom Selleck and Pierce Brosnan, and it’s all thanks to my hairy chest. The ladies are lining up now. I never thought that I would ever have a chest hair. I really didn’t think I was genetically capable of it. My dad has no chest hair, so I’ve always assumed that I would continue the trend of being chest bald. I actually found gray hairs on my head before I grew a chest hair. Think about how amazingly pathetic that is. I don’t use the word pity very often, but my chest hair situation was pretty pitiful. I guess pitiful is better than non-existent, so I shouldn’t be complaining. I’m sure there are a lot of other guys who wish that they had a chest hair too. Just hope and believe, and maybe someday you will join the big boy club like me.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 12, 2013 · 9:53 am

Snickers Peanut Butter Squared

Snickers Peanut Butter Squared is a flavor variant of Snickers, the classic candy bar and food staple of fat kids everywhere. It’s called Snickers Peanut Butter Squared because it’s a Snickers bar with peanut butter added to it and it’s cut up into cubes. If you like peanut butter, peanuts, caramel, and nougat covered in milk chocolate and served in bite sized pieces, this is the candy bar for you. If that doesn’t sound delicious, you should go to Hell and take your fucked up taste buds with you. This is a good candy bar, and I don’t even like chocolate bars that much. I’m more of a Skittles/Starburst/fruit chew kind of guy. But you can’t go wrong with a Snickers bar and peanut butter is always a welcome addition, so you should get your ass to the store and buy some Snickers Peanut Butter Squared today. You should share it too. It’s always nice to share.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 11, 2013 · 9:49 am

Talking Like Arnold Schwarzenegger

Talking like Arnold Schwarzenegger is fun. Try it. Say “Get to the choppa!” or “Get down!” See what I mean? Doesn’t that feel great? I think the doctor should be legally obligated to say that it’s “not a tumah” each time the diagnosis reveals that it’s not a tumor. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a great voice and a lot of great one-liners. It’s only natural that you want to drunkenly quote him when you’re hanging out with your friends. Talking like Arnold Schwarzenegger is like yawning. It’s contagious. It only takes one person to start talking like Schwarzenegger to get the whole group riled up. If you see it or hear it, you can’t help but do it too. And before you know it, you have five people shouting out Arnoldisms, each person trying to outdo the last person. There’s no such thing as a good Arnold impression. In fact, you want it to be exaggerated and over the top. The crappier your impression is, the better it is.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 11, 2013 · 9:46 am

Overplaying a Song

You’re cruising down the street flipping through the radio stations when you hear a new song that you’ve never heard before. You start bobbing your head and tapping your feet and let the melody sink into your brain. You can’t help but let the infectious beat get stuck in your head. You like this song. You like it a lot. And you want to hear it again as soon as it ends. And you want to hear it again and again and again. You’ll find it on YouTube, you might even be desperate enough to download it. It’s your new favorite song and you’re going to keep on playing it until you’re completely sick of it and never want to hear it again. And it won’t take long. The more you like a song, the more you overplay it, and the faster you get bored of it. The danger of overplaying a song is that you will always end up hating it. But you can’t help listening to it over and over again ad nauseam. It’s a vicious cycle.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 10, 2013 · 1:50 pm

Fighting on Vacation

You’re going to fight on your vacation. It doesn’t matter if you’re on vacation with your friends or with your family. It doesn’t matter if you’re an hour from home or twelve hours from home. At some point there will be raised voices and a heated exchange. It’s inevitable, it’s unavoidable, and it’s going to fucking happen. It’s impossible to be stuck in close proximity with other people without butting heads at some point. Every gets tired and cranky, and it doesn’t take much to rub someone the wrong way. Everyone has their own itinerary; their own stuff that they want to see or do, and not everyone will get their way. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the group at the expense of your own personal enjoyment. And sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and make a stink. Fighting on vacation is a tradition as old as going on vacation. You can’t have one without the other. Just try to resolve things before they get too escalated, because it’s better to suffer together than to suffer alone in a strange place.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 10, 2013 · 1:09 pm

The Karate Kid

The Karate Kid is a 1984 film directed by John G. Avildsen and starring Ralph Macchio, Pat Morita, and Elisabeth Shue. That’s the only Karate Kid. Hillary Swank and Jaden Smith are not Karate Kids. They are abominations, especially Jaden Smith. Ralph Macchio didn’t need his daddy to butcher a classic film in order to get a starring role in an unnecessary remake.

The Karate Kid is a classic movie about Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio), a New Jersey high school senior who moves to a new school in San Fernando Valley, where he meets and starts crushing on a hot chick with a jealous ex-boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend happens to be the leader of a Karate gang, and he decides to make Daniel’s life a living hell. But then Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita), the handyman/martial arts expert, takes Daniel under his wing and teaches him how to do Karate by using manual labor. Mr. Miyagi enters Daniel into a Karate tournament, and if Daniel wins then the bullies have to leave him alone. It’s directed by the same guy who directed Rocky and you definitely see parallels between the two films. They both are about an under skilled underdog facing off against a vastly superior opponent with more training and experience. They both get trained by an older guy with declining physical skills that are still capable of kicking ass. They both form an unlikely relationship with a girl that has no real reason to like him. And violence solves all the problems in the end.

The Karate Kid is not a perfect movie. It has a lot of flaws and plot holes. The main character is downright unlikeable at times. He bitches and moans and complains constantly. He’s cocky and arrogant even though he gets beat up all the time. And the movie’s conclusion is way too rushed. He wins the tournament and gets the trophy and that’s it. BAM! Over, done, finished. A film’s conclusion should actually conclude things, not just suddenly end on a happy note. But you can’t deny the movie sticks with you. If you watch it once, you will watch it again. It’s a guilty pleasure. Everyone knows wax on, wax off. The Karate Kid is more than a movie; it’s a rite of passage, and you’re a freak if you’ve never seen it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 9, 2013 · 9:09 pm

Afterparty

You’re partying and socializing at the bar when you hear those dreaded words: “LAST CALL FOR ALCOHOL!” The bar is closing, but you’re not ready to stop having fun yet. That’s when you need to find out where the afterparty is. Someone is always down to open their doors and invite everyone to come over to keep on drinking. Everyone piles into a few taxicabs and makes the trek to the new hangout spot, stopping only for more booze and supplies at a nearby liquor store. Everyone shuffles inside and they either make a beeline for the living room and grab a seat, or they head straight to the kitchen to start pouring drinks. Someone will pretend to be a DJ and play music, but they will never let a song play the whole way through. The craziest parts of the night almost always take place at the afterparty. That’s when people are the most drunk and that’s when people get rowdy. That’s when people throw up, when people pass out, when people hook up, when people fight, and when people accidently break stuff.  The afterparty is an essential part of the night, as important as pregaming or the main party. It’s the best and most satisfying way to end the night. It only sucks when you have to clean everything up the next day.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 9, 2013 · 9:02 pm

Using a Toilet Seat Cover after Swimming

I made a mistake the other day. I was swimming at a hotel pool when the McDonald’s I had for lunch came back to haunt me. I had to take a shit and I had to take one immediately. I jumped out of the pool and made my way to the bathroom, and luckily the stall was unoccupied. I went inside and locked the door, put a toilet seat cover down for protection, dropped my swim trunks and proceeded to empty my bowels. I realized that I had a problem a few minutes into my poop: I was soaking wet and the piece of paper I was sitting on was now adhered to my backside. After I finished taking the Browns to the Super Bowl and wiping, I had to slowly peel the toilet seat cover off my skin, but it wasn’t easy. I had to scrub it and rub it to get it off, and I had to do it quietly to avoid attracting attention from the other people in the bathroom. That’s not something that you want to explain to strangers. Being hygienic is cool and all, but using a toilet seat cover after swimming is not something I would recommend.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 8, 2013 · 1:05 pm

Turbulence

I’m not scared of flying, but I’m not much of a fan of turbulence. I know that planes want to be in the air, that they are designed to deal with sudden dips and drops and violent shakes, but it’s still pretty unsettling to know that you will plummet to your death if the wing rips off. All you can do is to try not to spill your drink or think about dying in a horrifying crash. And on that note, I don’t think that floatation devices under the seat are particularly helpful either. My last flight was from San Francisco to Las Vegas. I noticed that there aren’t too many places to execute an emergency water landing when you’re flying over the desert. I’d prefer a parachute under my seat instead. At least give me a fucking chance to survive. Flying is statistically the safest way to travel. But turbulence can still make you fall out of the sky.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 8, 2013 · 1:03 pm

Stone 17th Anniversary Götterdämmerung IPA

Stone Brewing Co. has a habit of making amazing beers that you fall in love with. Unfortunately, they also make a lot of limited brews that you can only cherish for a little while before they disappear. 17th Anniversary Götterdämmerung IPA is one of their limited batches, brewed to celebrate their seventeen years in business. It has a great name. Götterdämmerung. It sounds angry and delicious, and it rolls off the tongue with a poetic ring to it. It has a hoppy, peppery scent, with citric notes of lemon and grapefruit. It has a zesty, tropical fruit taste with a malty backbone, and peppery/earthy/wooden/herbal undertones. It’s very bold and strong, but it’s still very drinkable and slightly sweet. It has a 9.5% alcohol content, so you’ll be ready for a nap after a couple of glasses. It’s a very enjoyable beer; I only wish that it were available all the time.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 7, 2013 · 11:27 am

Lazy River

A lazy river is a narrow and shallow pool with that flows like a river. They usually form a giant, winding loop. You typically find them at waterparks and nice resorts/hotels. Most of them have a slow moving current, perfect for drifting on with a tube or going for a casual swim. It’s also fun to lounge by the edge of the lazy river, catching some sun and watching a never-ending parade of people going by. Most of them also have waterfalls or fountains thrown in for good measure. It’s always funny watching people in a pool trying to avoid getting wet. Maybe swimming wasn’t such a great choice if you wanted to keep your hair dry. The biggest downside to lazy rivers is that they are really popular, so they are always crowded. And you know that there are a lot of people peeing in it. It might be diluted, but you’re still swimming in a giant toilet. Try not to think about it and don’t swallow the water.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 7, 2013 · 11:26 am

Crying Babies on a Plane

I’m not a violent person, but I think it should be legal to throw a baby out of an airplane if it won’t stop crying. I realize that babies are precious, they are a miracle, a symbol of life, blah blah blah… but if it doesn’t shut up in two seconds, I am going to open the emergency door and fling that little fucker into the clouds below. And I would be hailed as a hero. The other passengers would cheer, the flight attendants would give me an extra bag of peanuts, the captain would invite me into the cockpit and let me steer the plane a little bit. They only person who would be remotely upset is the grieving mother, and even she’s kind of relieved. I probably did her a favor. Crying babies are annoying enough, but there’s no escape from a crying baby on a plane. They cry and they cry and they cry some more. Then they stop crying for a moment and you think that it’s finally over. Then they start crying again and it’s even louder this time. You only have two choices… You can kill yourself or you can kill the baby. And you’re way more invested in your own life. It only makes sense that the baby has to go.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 6, 2013 · 12:51 pm

Rakija

Rakija (sometimes spelled Rakia or Rachiu) is a liquor made from fermented fruit, and it will get you drunk. They use all different kinds of fruit to make it. There’s plum, peach, cherry, apricot, apple, cherry… but for some reason I always end up with pear rakija. It’s the alcoholic drink of choice in countries like Serbia, Croatia, Macedonia, Bosnia, etc. You can buy it in stores, but a lot of people make it themselves at home. You might consider it the moonshine of the Balkans. It’s considered bad form and very rude if you turn down your host’s rakija. You should never turn down free alcohol anyway, but it’s very offensive to refuse a shot of rakija.

Not only will rakija get you drunk, but you can use it for other things besides drowning your troubles away. You can pour some rakija on a towel and wrap it around your throat if you’re feeling sick. You can use it to unclog the bathroom sink. It cures jellyfish stings. You can use it in lieu of gasoline in your car. It’s also been know to cure blindness and to bring the dead back to life. It’s like the Swiss Army Knife of alcohol.

Most Americans are oblivious of rakija’s existence, so it’s pretty awesome to watch someone try it for the first time. It’s a bit of an acquired taste… actually, you pretty much have to force yourself to drink it the first few times. A small number of people can down it without any problems, but most people can’t help but shudder and are in danger of throwing up when they first have it. But if you manage to get it down the hatch, you can see what all the fuss is about. It instantly warms you up and your head gets pleasantly cloudy. It’s the drink of choice for millions of people and you can see why. It’s ridiculously hard to find in the States, so don’t turn it down if you ever get the chance to experience rakija.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 6, 2013 · 12:47 pm

At Least Pretend to Wash Your Hands

I was using the urinal in the men’s room the other day when I heard a toilet flush, and I saw a guy come out of the stall adjusting his belt. He had clearly just taken a shit. He walked over to the bathroom mirror, checked his hair, and walked out of the bathroom without washing his hands. My mind was blown. You should always wash your hands after you use a public bathroom. Especially if there are other people in the bathroom. At least pretend to wash your hands. You want other people to think that you are normal, right? Normal people don’t walk around with poopy hands, and even if they did, they wouldn’t advertise it. You’re supposed to wash your hands, or at the very least have other people think that you did. That’s how the world works.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 5, 2013 · 3:23 pm

How to Make a List

This is the Critically Rated Guide to creating a list. After you read this, you should be able to make your own lists like a champion.

  1. Decide what your list will be about. In this case, the topic is how to make a list.
  2. Come up with a catchy title that catches the reader’s attention.
  3. Include a brief summary after the title that goes into a little more detail about your topic.
  4. Start listing things by beginning at Step 1.
  5. Then go to Step 2.
  6. Then go to Step 3.
  7. Then write down the fourth step, then the fifth, and then the sixth, and so on. A good list should have at least ten steps.
  8. Once you’ve listed all the things that you wanted to list, you should write another brief summary of your topic for your conclusion.
  9. Then you should use spell check and edit your list before you finalize it and publish it for the world to see.
  10. 10. Bask in the glory of creating a list.

And that’s how you create a list. Pretty simple stuff, right? The hardest part is just getting enough time to sit down and write one. Your homework assignment for the next week is to make a list of your own. Just don’t be lazy and write a list about writing a list because that’s kind of pretentious and people see right through that shit.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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