Tag Archives: baby

Getting Stared At By a Baby

I was on the train going to work when I felt someone staring at me. I can always tell when I’m being watched. It’s an eerie feeling. I glanced around to see who was looking at me. I found the culprit staring at me from across the aisle. It was a baby. I was getting stared at by a baby.

I dont like being stared at but I let it slide. Babies don’t mean to be rude. They just are rude. They are babies. They don’t know any better. They just poop, cry, sleep, and stare at things. Eventually they turn into people. Then hopefully they will stop staring at me.

I don’t know how to respond to a baby staring at me, especially when it’s a stranger baby. Do I smile and wave at it? Do I pat it on its head? Do I tell the mom that it’s a cute baby even if it’s an ugly one? What is the proper etiquette in this situation?

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Two-Year-Old in a Stroller

            The other day I saw a two-year-old in a stroller. It was pretty distressing. This was a toddler, not a baby, and he was confined to a stroller despite being perfectly capable of walking. He didn’t have special needs or any disabilities. He just had really lazy parents with no desire to parent. They are raising him to be lazy and reliant on other people at the cost of his self-dependency. To each their own, but they are really fucking him up for life.

            Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Nephew

On March 3, 2014 my big sister and my brother-in-law had a baby (well, she had the baby, he just watched as she screamed and cursed his name). This baby was a milestone. It was the baby that turned my sister into a mom, her husband into a dad, my parents into grandparents, me into an uncle, and my other sisters into aunts. I don’t know if our pets get a title change, but I do know our family is already more complete. I haven’t gotten to meet baby James yet, but I’ve already seen a bunch of pictures and I can honestly say that I’ve seen uglier babies. He’s not that wrinkly, he’s got a good amount of hair on his head, and he wasn’t that slimy. They didn’t do half bad. Welcome to the World, James Young Galster. Sorry about the global warming, we’re trying to fix that.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crying Babies on a Plane

I’m not a violent person, but I think it should be legal to throw a baby out of an airplane if it won’t stop crying. I realize that babies are precious, they are a miracle, a symbol of life, blah blah blah… but if it doesn’t shut up in two seconds, I am going to open the emergency door and fling that little fucker into the clouds below. And I would be hailed as a hero. The other passengers would cheer, the flight attendants would give me an extra bag of peanuts, the captain would invite me into the cockpit and let me steer the plane a little bit. They only person who would be remotely upset is the grieving mother, and even she’s kind of relieved. I probably did her a favor. Crying babies are annoying enough, but there’s no escape from a crying baby on a plane. They cry and they cry and they cry some more. Then they stop crying for a moment and you think that it’s finally over. Then they start crying again and it’s even louder this time. You only have two choices… You can kill yourself or you can kill the baby. And you’re way more invested in your own life. It only makes sense that the baby has to go.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Talking to Babies

I’m at that stage in life where my friends that I grew up with have started popping out babies. And so you have to come over and meet the baby. The proud mother and father introduce you to their little bundle of joy, and they expect you to coo and make a fuss over how cute the little rascal is. I know what to say to the parents. You just gotta compare the baby to them: “Awww, she has your eyes. You’re lucky she doesn’t have his nose.” But what I don’t like is when they expect you to talk to the baby. What are you supposed to say? The baby can’t hold a conversation, it’s a fucking baby. It’s not even listening to me; it’s too busy shitting itself. I end up with a fake ass ear-to-ear smile, saying “Hello” and “Hi there” over and over again, each time in a higher pitched voice. I’m not saying I don’t like your baby… I just don’t want to have an awkward one-sided conversation with a person that’s closer to a fetus than a toddler.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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