Monthly Archives: August 2012

August 24, 2012 · 6:58 am

South Park

Matt Stone and Trey Parker are the creative minds behind Team America: World Police, Orgazmo, The Book of Mormon (the Broadway smash, not the foundation of the religion), and South Park. South Park is one of the best cartoon shows ever. It is funny on every level. It is crude, controversial, satirical, and always hilarious. The show follows Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman, four friends growing up in South Park, Colorado.

Stan Marsh is the everyman. He is the most normal of the friends, and he’s usually the voice of reason. Kyle Broflovski is also relatively normal, but he’s Jewish and Cartman won’t let him forget it. Kenny McCormick is the unlucky one of the group. Not only is he poor, he has an unfortunate habit of dying (especially in the first few seasons). Eric Cartman is the fat asshole of the group. He is racist, manipulative, a brat, and a terrible person in general… He’s also the fan favorite and a majority of the best episodes revolve around him.

There are a lot of great supporting characters, way to many to list them all. So I will just mention Butters, Jimmy, Timmy, Token, Towelie, Chef, and Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. And Kyle’s mom’s a bitch.

There have been 230 episodes over 16 seasons. That’s pretty fucking impressive. The show was a hit from the start, but it took a few seasons for the show to find its groove. The early seasons are kind of hard to watch now. The show gradually became more bold and distinctive. Scott Tenorman Must Die is the episode when South Park truly became South Park. That’s also the point where you learned that Cartman is capable of anything and you don’t want to be on his bad side.

The animation style looks intentionally shitty. The characters look like paper cut-outs (the pilot actually was filmed with paper), but it is all computer animated so they can churn out episodes in 6 days. An episode of the Simpsons can take 6 months to produce in comparison. The result is that South Park can be topical. And they have fun with that. They will mention sports scores and spoof news events just because they can. It’s pretty amazing to think that they are creative enough to write a script, animate it, record and add the dialog, add sound effects and music, do rewrites, and edit it within a week’s time. And then everyone will be quoting it around the water cooler that next day.

Trey Parker is a genius. And Matt Stone is lucky that he knows Trey Parker. And we are all lucky that Trey Parker gave us South Park and the South Park movie. When South Park first came out, my cable provider didn’t carry Comedy Central. I had never seen an episode of South Park before I saw Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. My head practically exploded.

South Park is a great TV show. It challenges everything and everyone. You can’t get too offended though. It’s South Park. That’s what they do. You never know that to expect with each new episode of South Park. They don’t even know what to expect. It’s guerrilla art.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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August 24, 2012 · 6:52 am

Minnie Driver

If you can remember back to 1997 and a film called Good Will Hunting, you might recall an up-and-coming actress named Minnie Driver. Remember? There was Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Robin Williams, and that girl. Minnie Driver was that girl.  She had a little success after that film; she provided the voice of Jane in Disney’s Tarzan, she had a few other movies that only a few people saw, and she was in The Riches on the FX network. That’s about it. She provided a voice for The Simpsons Movie but her scenes were cut, so it doesn’t count. I actually forgot that she existed. If you’re a celebrity and people forget that you exist, you aren’t doing a good job.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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August 23, 2012 · 8:02 am

Dogs

There are two types of people in the world. There are dog people and there are cat people. You have the occasional schmuck who prefers birds or fish, but they are most likely serial killers and we don’t talk about them. Fish lovers are creepy. At least I can respect cat people. Dogs are better than cats though, no doubt about it.

Let’s start at the beginning. Their domestication marked the arrival of our civilization. We used them for protection, for hunting and tracking game, sometimes even for transportation, and we always cherished their companionship. Whole tribes and cultures depended on them for survival. Dogs are man’s best friend for a reason.

We used to have a working relationship with dogs. We developed breeds to do our dirty work. For example, we made wiener dogs to kill badgers, and we made border collies to help herd sheep and alert us if Timmy fell down the well. We don’t have such a strenuous lifestyle anymore, so most us just have dogs as pets now.

Dogs are the best pets for a few reasons. When you want to pet your dog, you pet your dog. If you don’t want to pet him, you can just push him away. Cats are the exact opposite. They want to be petted when you don’t want to pet them, and when you want to pet them they scratch you. Fuckers. Dogs are better at playing. Cats chase a laser pointer and paw at a dangling string. Dogs have rubber toys shaped like pork chops and rolled-up newspapers and rope toys to chew on. They also play-fight with each other. They’ll bite, nip, jump, roll, and occasionally mount each other. They run after balls at top speed, they snatch Frisbees out of the air, and they swim after thrown sticks. Go to a dog park and watch the action. That’s entertainment.

There are an endless variety of breeds. You can get a tiny Chihuahua or a gargantuan Great Dane. There’s hundreds of purebreds and thousands more mutts. If you want a guard dog, a work dog, a sled dog, a lap dog, a service dog, or a hunting dog, there’s a dog out there for you.

Dogs are great animals. If you’re lucky enough to come across one, you should introduce yourself and shake his paw. Scratch behind his ears. Tell him he’s a good boy in baby talk. Put some whipped cream on his nose and laugh as he licks it off.

A male dog is called a dog. A female dog is called a bitch. Dogs fuck bitches, resulting in a litter of puppies. I almost made it through this whole post without saying bitch. We can’t have that. I said “fuck bitches” because that results in more Google hits for my site.

Dogs are man’s best friend. It’s as simple as that. The Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats and their society collapsed. You just can’t trust cats. Dogs will never lie to you. Their tails are built-in lie detectors. Dogs, dogs, dogs. They would get a perfect 17/17 but you have to clean up their shit way too often.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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August 23, 2012 · 7:57 am

DiGiorno Frozen Pizza

DiGiorno is one of the pioneers of frozen pizzas. They were one of the first frozen pizzas with a rising crust and a fresh-baked taste. A lot of the inferior brands are bland and taste like cardboard. They have a lot of different types of pizza like 4 Cheese, Pepperoni, Supreme, Thin Crust, and a few others. They also make different sized pies; some big enough for a few people and some are personal pies. DiGiorno has a solid ad campaign. Everyone knows that it’s not delivery. It’s DiGiorno.

If you’re going to get a frozen pizza, 9 times out of 10 you’re going to get DiGiorno. And if you don’t get it, you’ll regret it and get it the next time. It’s not the best pizza. It’s a good frozen pizza though. If you want good pizza, go to a pizzeria, not the freezer.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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August 22, 2012 · 10:49 am

DC vs. Marvel (comic)

Have you ever wondered what would happen if the greatest, most powerful heroes and villains from the DC and Marvel Universes met? How awesome would that be? Well, it already happened in 1996, so you missed out. But you can relive the past and pick up DC vs. Marvel and see the two worlds collide.

There is actually a pretty coherent storyline. Writers Ron Marz and Peter David are able brings some of the biggest characters from two rival companies together in a comprehensive way. So back in the day, these two brothers/entities were controlling their own separate universes, until they learned of each other’s existence. One brother is the DC Universe, and the other represents the Marvel Universe. They decide to have a battle between their top superheroes to determine which universe will be destroyed.

Each separate universe starts to be aware that something weird is happening when heroes and villains start vanishing in a flash of light, and new, different masks start showing up. A young man named Axel Asher finds himself inexplicably drawn to an alley where a crazy homeless guy is trying desperately to keep an inter-dimensional gateway contained in a cardboard box. Axel is the Access, and he just might be the key to solving the crisis if he ever accepts his destiny.

6 Marvel characters are chosen to fight 6 DC characters in one-on-one battles to determine the mightier universe. There are some really obvious fights between similarly powered characters like Aquaman vs. Namor, Wolverine vs. Lobo, and Flash vs. Quicksilver. There are also weird, random fights like Robin vs. Jubilee and Superboy vs. Spider-man. Elektra fights Catwoman, the Green Lantern and Silver Surfer duke it out in space, Wonder Woman somehow loses to Storm, Batman and Captain America are pretty evenly matched, and Superman barely beats the Hulk into submission.

Instead of one universe getting destroyed, the Spectre and the Living Tribunal are able to temporarily merge the two universes together. This buys them some time, and has the awesome bonus of creating hybrid superheroes like Dark Claw (a mixture of Batman and Wolverine) and Super-Soldier (Superman and Captain America’s lovechild).

Access finally gets his shit together and it able to separate the merged universe back to the two separate ones. He gets a little assistance from Batman and Captain America to end the Space Brothers’ hissy fit. And now the two universes can co-exist and life is good.

Yeah, there’s a lot of nonsense about two brother universes using magic humans to end a cosmic dispute, but once you get past that you can appreciate the story. What if the superhero you depended on was powerless to stop the end of the world? What if that superhero vanished and was replaced by a stranger in tights? What if you are a superhero and you can’t simply punch your way to victory?

The art is awesome. The panels spill over into each other, they overlap, it feels very fluid. Dan Jurgens and Claudio Castellini’s drawings are bold and powerful. And it’s pretty cool to see the Hulk and Superman exchanging blows in the desert.

There are a lot of characters to keep track of, but it doesn’t slow down the momentum of the story. If you like DC, it’s worth checking out. If you like Marvel, it’s worth checking out. If you like comics, then you should have read this already. You’re slacking.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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August 22, 2012 · 10:38 am

CornNuts

CornNuts are a crunchy corn snack made from roasted or deep-fried corn kernels. They are fucking tasty too. If you’ve never had them before, it’s recommended that you go with the Original flavor. Corn is good for you. It’s a vegetable, and veggies are healthy. So if you eat cooked and salted corn kernels, you’re doing your body a favor. As far as junk food and snacks go, this is one of the better options. You can’t eat them all the time, and I’m not sure why you’d want to, but CornNuts are all right by me. They really aren’t healthy for you; I’m not advocating a CornNut diet. But they taste good, and that’s good enough.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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August 21, 2012 · 10:18 am

The Hunger Games (film)

Director Gary Ross (Pleasantville, Seabiscuit) takes on the first book of The Hunger Games trilogy, written by Suzanne Collins. I never read the books, and all I knew to expect was a strong female character with a knack for archery. In a future dystopia, a girl is entered into a life or death contest that is part sacrifice and part entertainment. If you take Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery, add a little bit of The Running Man and a splash of the Truman Show, and throw in some Fifth Element-esque costumes, and you end up with The Hunger Games.

In the future, the world we know has come and gone, and it is a new era. America is gone, and a new nation has arisen: Panem. There are twelve districts of varying levels of poverty surrounding a wealthy Capitol. There is an annual event called the Hunger Games where each district must sacrifice a twelve to eighteen-year-old boy and girl to fight to the death until a single victor emerges.

At the yearly lottery to choose the lucky pair, a plucky young lady named Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) bravely volunteers to compete when her younger sister is chosen. The other representative from District 12 is Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson), a baker’s son. Katniss is brave and has skills with a bow. Peeta is cowardly and knows it.

The two leave District 12 and head for the Capitol. They meet their mentor Haymitch Abernathy (Woody Harrelson), a drunk and former Hunger Games champion. He gives them solid advice, like learn your enemy’s strengths and to be weary of the “Careers.” The Careers have been groomed from birth to compete and survive and thrive in the games.

All the contestants are treated like celebrities and they all appear on a TV show hosted by Caesar Flickerman (Stanley Tucci). They try to be as appealing as possible in order to gain sponsors to provide them with supplies during the games. Peeta reveals a hidden crush on Katniss during his interview.

Katniss isn’t sure if she can believe him, especially when he forms an alliance with the Careers as soon as the Hunger Games start. Half the contestants are killed on the first day, but Katniss uses her skills to survive the first night.

Peeta leads the Careers to Katniss, but she’s able to drop a tracker jacker hive on them. Tracker jackers are like mutant wasps with hallucinogenic venom that’s deadly in large amounts. Katniss forms an alliance with Rue, a young girl from District 11. Rue basically saves Katniss from dying, and she saves her a few times. They find out where the Careers are staying and hatch a plan to destroy their supplies. The plan works, but Rue dies and Katniss feels bad.

Haymitch Abernathy is busy promoting Katniss and Peeta as star-crossed lovers in the attempt to get them more sponsors. This results in the Gamemakers announcing a new and unprecedented rule: there can be two winners if they are from the same district. Katniss hears this and decides to go find Peeta. She tracks him down and discovers that he’s badly wounded from a fight with Cato, the leader of the Careers. They get to know each other, more shit happens, more people die, some crazy mutant dogs show up, and eventually only the two District 12ers and Cato are left. And then there’s more fighting and only Katniss and Peeta are left, but instead of being declared dual winners, the Gamemakers change the rules again and say there can only be one victor.

Katniss decides a suicide pact with Peeta is a great way to get out of this jam, and the Gamemakers change the rules again and they are both winners. Hurray for District 12. Unfortunately, this action will rock the boat and threaten the dominance of the Capitol. The stage is set for the sequel.

All in all, this is a pretty satisfying movie. Jennifer Lawrence does a great job as Katniss and she carries the movie. Lenny Kravitz, Elizabeth Banks, and Donald Sutherland also play supporting roles and they add a little flavor. The cast in general was pretty solid, and that’s a tough thing to do with so many teen-aged actors.

I know that the books are probably a lot more detailed, and the movie leaves a bunch of stuff out, but the movie can stand on it’s own. There are too many characters to care about and there are a few plot holes, but that’s typical of most movies these days. It’s worth watching and maybe someday I’ll get around to reading the books.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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August 20, 2012 · 9:03 am

Saving Silverman

Saving Silverman is a comedy about two friends trying to rescue their friend from a miserable relationship. Steve Zahn and Jack Black play Wayne and J.D. and Jason Biggs plays the titular Darren Silverman. Amanda Peet plays the succubus, Amanda Detmer plays Darren’s long lost love, and R. Lee Ermey plays their old football coach. Dennis Dugan (Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore) is in the director’s chair. It’s a stupid movie about stupid people, but it’s funny and that’s what a comedy should be.

Darren, Wayne, and J.D. are best friends since the fifth grade. They share a common obsession with Neil Diamond and are in a Neil Diamond tribute band. They spend their days drinking beers and hanging out and having fun. That all changes when Darren meets Judith (Amanda Peet). Judith is a controlling, manipulative psychologist who has Darren wrapped around her finger. She can’t stand J.D. and Wayne and forbids Darren from hanging out with them anymore.

Wayne and J.D. want their friend back and decide they have to save Darren at any cost. The best and most logical thing to do is to kidnap Judith and set up Darren with Sandy, his long lost love from high school. The two friends capture Judith and lock her up in their garage, leaving a fake note for Darren saying that she ran away and doesn’t want to marry him. Darren is distraught and misses her, but Wayne convinces him to go out with Sandy. He’s relieved to know that Sandy is preparing to take her final vows to become a nun, and he relaxes around her. They catch up on old times, they share laughs, they have a moment, and sparks fly.

Wayne and J.D. have their hands full with their cunning captive. She outsmarts them and escapes a few times. She analyzes J.D. and makes him realize his homosexuality. While his two best friends are holding his kidnapped fiancée hostage, Darren and Sandy are falling in love. She even decides to leave the convent for him. And Darren is finally happy again.

But of course Judith escapes, Darren goes back to her, Sandy goes back to the convent, and Wayne and J.D. go to jail. Darren and Judith are about to get married and Sandy is about to become a nun, but Wayne and J.D. escape from jail with the help of their old football coach. They save Sandy from her nun vows, then they kidnap Neil Diamond, then they all go to stop the wedding. Darren ends up with Sandy, Judith ends up with Wayne, and J.D. ends up with their old football coach.

This is a stupid movie. But it’s a cult classic now. Jack Black and Steve Zahn have a lot of great moments and quotable lines. They are also eight and ten years older than Jason Biggs. Jason Biggs looked too young to be their friend, he was a little miscast. His role isn’t that important either. Wayne is the main character, he is the one who calls all the shots, he opens the movie, and he’s the one trying to save Silverman.

If you weren’t a Neil Diamond fan going in to this movie, you will be when you come out. Be prepared for that.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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August 20, 2012 · 8:57 am

Playing Catch

People like having fun and playing games are fun. One of simplest games you can play with another person is catch. All you have to do is throw an object to your partner and hope that they catch it. And then they throw the object back to you and you try to catch it. And then you throw it back to them, and on and on it goes. You can play catch with a baseball, a football, a tennis ball, a rolled-up sock, a Frisbee, a lemon, an egg… you have a lot of options. You can spice it up by keeping count of how many successful consecutive catches you make and then trying to break your record, or you can move around and try throwing to a moving target.

Playing catch is free and easy, but if you don’t have any friends you can throw a tennis ball against a brick wall or take up juggling.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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August 19, 2012 · 10:14 am

Superman for All Seasons

If you’ve never read a Superman comic before, start with this one. Superman for All Seasons is a character study of who Superman is and what he represents. This isn’t an origin story. It doesn’t go into Superman’s alien past and how he came from a dying planet and all that hoopla. Jeph Loeb’s story is about Clark Kent leaving home and facing his destiny as Superman. Tim Sale’s incredible artwork brings a sense of grandeur and makes the icon more iconic.

There is no central narrator. Each season has it’s own narrator with their own view on Superman and/or Clark Kent. It’s kind of like Citizen Kane; you get a sense of the man through other people’s opinions of him. The first season explored is Spring. Jonathan Kent narrates as Clark Kent is on the verge of graduating from high school, and Clark is trying to cling on to memories but knows that he can’t stay in Smallville forever. Jonathan is worried about Clark’s powers and what he will do with them, but one day Clark saves a guy’s life and decides that saving people will be his calling. The boy becomes a man and goes to Metropolis to start his new life as Superman.

Lois Lane narrates the Summer story. Her perfect reporter world was turned upside down by the arrival of the Man of Steel. She’s still trying to grasp the fact that things have changed, that a man can fly, that the old rules don’t apply anymore. Superman saves Metropolis and Lois from a nuclear missile and submarine attack, because he’s Superman and that’s what he does. He feels lonely and homesick so he goes back to visit Smallville and is dismayed at how it doesn’t feel the same. Martha Kent reminds him that’s what happens when you grow up and to shut up and go back to Metropolis. He gets back just in time to save a lady from a fire and he scolds Lex Luthor’s flying soldiers for almost killing her.

Lex Luthor is the narrator for the Fall season. He is in love with Metropolis and doesn’t like the new guy who also calls it home. He hatches a plot to make Superman leave. It involves poisoning the citizens of Metropolis and making Superman come to him for help. Lex finds the lady that Superman saved from the fire in Summer, and brainwashes her into becoming Toxin. Superman goes to confront Lex, but time is of the essence, so he takes Toxin and they fly around spreading the antidote. And then Toxin suddenly dies and Lex manipulate Superman into thinking it was his fault that Toxin dies. Superman gets all sad and goes back home to Smallville.

It is now Winter, and Lana Lang takes over the narrating duties. Lana reveals that she wanted to marry Clark, but had to let him go be Superman. Clark and Lana spend some time together catching up and reliving old memories. They walk around Smallville, feeling nostalgic about being home again. There’s a huge flood that threatens the town and Clark comes to grips that he is Superman and that he has to do something because that’s what Superman does. The flood is a wakeup call and Clark goes back to the city and accepts his life as Superman.

This is not an exciting comic. There’s not much action scenes. It’s a reflection on who Clark Kent is and why he does what he does. It’s about the impact of Superman, about how he affects other people and what he means to them. The story is great and the art is amazing. There are several pictures that take up two whole pages, showing Clark and Jonathan gazing at a sunset or Superman flying heroically across the sky.

Superman for All Seasons is required reading for a Superman fan. It’s worth reading even if you don’t like Superman. It’s a coming-of-age story, it’s about finding your place in the world. Everyone can relate to that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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August 19, 2012 · 10:04 am

Stepping in Shit

If you spend enough time walking around, you’ll eventually step in a pile of poop. There’s no avoiding it, it’s going to happen to you. Stepping is shit is not a big deal. Hopefully, you’ll notice the feeling of feces on your feet before you track it everywhere. You’ll try to scrape off most of it with a stick and you move on with your life. You’d prefer to have stepped in dog shit, but sometimes you’ll step in people poo. That’s the worst feeling in the world. Especially if you’re barefoot.

Critically Rated at 1/17

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August 18, 2012 · 10:10 am

Batman: Haunted Knight

Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale are reunited yet again for another Batman graphic novel. Haunted Knight is actually a collection of three short stories, all of which take place on Halloween night. The title is a pun, he’s a haunted knight and the stories take place on a haunted night. That’s clever; see what they did there?

The first story is called Fears and it’s about Batman facing his fears. He has a showdown with the Scarecrow and gets trapped in a giant corn maze and he almost goes crazy. But then he doesn’t and he escapes the maze because he’s the goddamn Batman.

The second story is called Madness. The Mad Hatter kidnaps James Gordon’s adopted daughter. The Mad Hatter has a twisted tea party with kidnapped kids and it’s up to Batman to stop the madness. There’s a parallel storyline involving a young Bruce Wayne and his pre-murdered mama reading Alice in Wonderland to him on a rainy day.

Ghosts is the final story and it’s a spin on A Christmas Carol. Bruce Wayne gets visited by the ghost of Halloween past (she looks like Poison Ivy), the ghost of Halloween present (he looks like the Joker), and the ghost of Halloween yet-to-be (and this ghost is a dead, decomposed Batman). The ghosts teach Bruce not to let Batman take over his life.

There is no sense of continuity between the stories. In fact, you’re not even sure when they take place. It must take place after the events of The Long Halloween storyline because Two-Face is referenced, but before Dark Victory because there is no mention of Robin. And they take place over three years because there are three Halloweens and there’s only one Halloween per year. I might have to double-check my math, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.

The Long Halloween is awesome. Dark Victory is still good, but not as great as The Long Halloween. Haunted Knight is just lazy. Loeb and Sale make great comics, but even they are susceptible to making shitty ones. This is their Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You wanted to like it, you tried to like it, but they did everything they could to fuck it up and they succeeded in making it suck. It’s not terribly bad. It’s just soul-crushingly disappointing. There are a million better stories out there, and this collection is not necessary.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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August 18, 2012 · 10:04 am

Hand Sanitzer

Hand sanitizer is a foam, gel, or liquid that you put on your hands to kill germs, viruses, and bacteria. It’s a quick way to make sure you won’t get Ebola before eating. Some people are germaphobes and are constantly sanitizing their hands. The more you use it, the less effective it gets, so don’t use it every five minutes. Some people use it as an excuse to avoid washing their hands with soap and water. The end result is a germ-free hand that still looks fucking filthy. Hand sanitizer doesn’t kill dirt.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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August 17, 2012 · 10:02 am

The Lion King

The Lion King is one of the best animated films of all time. It is Disney’s best Pixar-less movie. It’s about a lion named Simba, and Simba is in line to be the king of the Pride Lands. Instead his uncle murders his father and takes over the throne. Simba must avenge his father and assume the throne, but first he runs away to live with a warthog and a meerkat and eat bugs.

The story starts with Mufasa and Sarabi celebrating the birth of their baby by having a monkey dangle him from a high rock over hundreds of wild animals. The baby is Simba, and one day he will be the Lion King, but for now he’s just a curious cub. He spends his days frolicking with and getting beat up by his friend Nala. His uncle is evil and wants to be king. His name is Scar and he has a scar. The writers either ran out of African names to use or just got really lazy. Either way, Scar keeps trying to kill Simba and/or Mufasa (whichever comes first). One day, after Simba and Nala barely escape Scar’s hyena henchmen, Mufasa tells him about the circle of life, how one day he will die and Simba will become king, and a bunch of other life lessons.

Scar eventually succeeds in killing Mufasa, and he makes Simba think that it was his fault. Simba decides to run away instead of dealing with his problems. Simba almost dies but he gets saved by Timon and Pumba. Timon is a sarcastic meerkat and Pumba is a stupid, smelly warthog. They decide to take in Simba and they teach him about Hakuna Matata and how to live a carefree life.

Simba grows up with them, but he can’t forget his past. One day, his old pal Nala shows up on their turf looking for food. Simba and Nala are ecstatic to see each other again and sparks fly. Nala is surprised to learn that Simba is still alive, and Simba is surprised to learn that Scar has taken over the throne and the kingdom is suffering. Nala tells Simba to get his shit together and claim the crown that’s rightfully his. Simba still thinks that he killed his dad and doesn’t want to go back and deal with his inner demons.

But then he talks to a monkey and a cloud that looks and sounds like his dead dad and he decides to go back. Timon and Pumba decide they have to help their friend and they hitch a ride back with Nala.

Simba confronts Scar and finds out the truth about Scar killing his dad and Simba learns it wasn’t his fault. Stuff happens and Simba emerges victorious and becomes the Lion King. And then he and Nala have a baby lion and the circle of life goes on.

If you haven’t seen The Lion King in a while, it’s worth revisiting. The plot is clichéd and tired and not at all unique. But it’s the characters and the dialog and the songs that make this a classic. The opening sequence sucks you in, and you know that you’re going to experience something special in this film. There are a lot of animal puns hidden in the dialog and song lyrics. Tim Rice and Elton John’s songs are great and enhance the movie, along with Hans Zimmer’s score.

The voice cast is pretty impressive. Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Matthew Broderick play young and old Simba. James Earl Jones plays Mufasa, Rowan Atkinson (A.K.A. Mr. Bean) plays Zazu, Jeremy Irons plays Scar, Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella play Timon and Pumba, and Cheech Marin and Whoopi Goldberg play hyenas. They originally wanted Tommy Chong to play one of the hyenas. Cheech and Chong in a Disney movie? There would have been way more jokes about the grasslands, that’s for sure. We missed out.

This is an awesome movie and it’s like a time machine that takes you back to when you used to watch it as a kid. You remember where you watched it, who you watched it with, you remember singing those damn songs, and trying not to cry when Mufasa dies.

This movie doesn’t have a great story. But it has great moments. It has great music. It has a great cast. It has great visuals. When you add those attributes up, it makes The Lion King better than what it should be. It’s now one of those movies that you have to see. If you haven’t seen The Lion King people look at you funny. No childhood is complete without seeing this movie. If you haven’t seen it by this point, you are probably going out of your way to avoid it, and that’s sad because you deserve a childhood.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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August 17, 2012 · 9:55 am

Self-Seaters

If you go to a restaurant that has a host stand and you don’t go to the host stand, you are a stupid piece of shit. I’ve been in the service industry for a few years, and I still get amazed at how dumb some people are. If I see you seat yourself, I’m going to make you move. I know that you’re hungry. That’s why you came into the restaurant. And I know you don’t want to wait because waiting sucks. But if you don’t know to go to the host stand, then you probably don’t know how to tip either. So fuck you and get out.

Self-seaters like to choose the dirtiest table available, and then they’ll flag down a server or busser and ask them to clean the table off. And the employee will refer them to the host stand with a fake smile. And they will lie and say that the host sat them there. And the employee will know you’re lying because they don’t have any menus and hosts don’t seat parties at dirty tables. And so they will refer the self-seaters to the host stand again, this time without a smile.

I don’t even understand how someone thinks that it’s ok to just sit down and expect service. If you go to McDonald’s and just sit down at a table, you’re never gonna get a Big Mac. Go to the host stand or go to hell.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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August 16, 2012 · 10:15 am

Batman: Dark Victory

Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale reunite for the sequel to Batman: The Long Halloween. Both The Long Halloween and Dark Victory take place in the same canon as Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One. Gotham City is in the midst of a transition from crime families to masked freaks taking over the criminal underworld. To make matters worse, a new serial killer is in town, and he’s targeting cops. If that wasn’t enough, Bruce Wayne takes in a young orphaned circus acrobat named Dick Grayson.

The story picks up a few months after the events of The Long Halloween. There’s a new district attorney called Janice Porter, Sofia Gigante has taken over the Falcone Crime Family, Batman and James Gordon are still distraught over the whole Harvey Dent-turning-into-Two-Face incident, and a mass breakout at Arkham Asylum only makes matters worse. Not only does Batman have to deal with the warring crime families, but there’s a whole bunch of villainous freaks that he has to contend with too.

Alberto Falcone a.k.a. the Holiday killer is released and allowed to serve the remainder of his sentence in house arrest under the supervision of his brother, Mario. Alberto starts to hear the voice of his dead father telling him to return to his murderous ways and become Holiday again.

Shortly after Alberto’s release, Gotham City cops start being killed on a holiday each month. The killer leaves behind a hangman riddle on it, and the riddle is always on a document associated with Harvey Dent.

Naturally there are two main suspects as to who the Hangman killer is. It is either Harvey Dent, because everything is related to him, or it could be Alberto Falcone, because all the murders are happening on holidays. Or it could be someone else entirely. Just saying.

The personal lives of the main characters are shattered. Bruce Wayne/Batman is more isolated and alone than ever before. James Gordon has been promoted to Commissioner but at the expense of his marriage. Both men miss their friend Harvey Dent and still feel betrayed by him.

While dealing with a mafia war and a bunch of freaks, Bruce still finds time to go to the circus. But it’s not a fun night because a gangster ends up killing two trapeze artists to send a message to the circus owner; in the process Dick Grayson ends up orphaned. Bruce Wayne takes him in because he feels responsible, obligated, inclined, whatever, to take care of this young kid and teach him to hate the world and fight crime in an elaborate costume.

This comic feels like a continuation of The Long Halloween in a lot of ways. The plot is very similar. A guy is killing people on holidays and Batman has to find out who, and at the same time he has to deal with gangsters and mobsters and villainous freaks. The twist is that this time, the killer is killing cops and not mobsters. And then they tacked on a Robin origin story to spice things up.

Batman has to decide which side Catwoman is on and if she’s trustworthy again. He has to fight the Joker again. He has issues with Two-Face again.  The Scarecrow shows up. And Solomon Grundy. And the Calendar Man. And the Riddler. And a few more. It’s easy to mix up plot points between The Long Halloween and this story. It doesn’t feel as much like a continuation as much as a rehash. It’s good, but it’s not as good and nowhere as original. It’s worth reading. It’s not the best Batman story, but it’s one of the better ones.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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