There are two types of people in the world. There are dog people and there are cat people. You have the occasional schmuck who prefers birds or fish, but they are most likely serial killers and we don’t talk about them. Fish lovers are creepy. At least I can respect cat people. Dogs are better than cats though, no doubt about it.

Let’s start at the beginning. Their domestication marked the arrival of our civilization. We used them for protection, for hunting and tracking game, sometimes even for transportation, and we always cherished their companionship. Whole tribes and cultures depended on them for survival. Dogs are man’s best friend for a reason.

We used to have a working relationship with dogs. We developed breeds to do our dirty work. For example, we made wiener dogs to kill badgers, and we made border collies to help herd sheep and alert us if Timmy fell down the well. We don’t have such a strenuous lifestyle anymore, so most us just have dogs as pets now.

Dogs are the best pets for a few reasons. When you want to pet your dog, you pet your dog. If you don’t want to pet him, you can just push him away. Cats are the exact opposite. They want to be petted when you don’t want to pet them, and when you want to pet them they scratch you. Fuckers. Dogs are better at playing. Cats chase a laser pointer and paw at a dangling string. Dogs have rubber toys shaped like pork chops and rolled-up newspapers and rope toys to chew on. They also play-fight with each other. They’ll bite, nip, jump, roll, and occasionally mount each other. They run after balls at top speed, they snatch Frisbees out of the air, and they swim after thrown sticks. Go to a dog park and watch the action. That’s entertainment.

There are an endless variety of breeds. You can get a tiny Chihuahua or a gargantuan Great Dane. There’s hundreds of purebreds and thousands more mutts. If you want a guard dog, a work dog, a sled dog, a lap dog, a service dog, or a hunting dog, there’s a dog out there for you.

Dogs are great animals. If you’re lucky enough to come across one, you should introduce yourself and shake his paw. Scratch behind his ears. Tell him he’s a good boy in baby talk. Put some whipped cream on his nose and laugh as he licks it off.

A male dog is called a dog. A female dog is called a bitch. Dogs fuck bitches, resulting in a litter of puppies. I almost made it through this whole post without saying bitch. We can’t have that. I said “fuck bitches” because that results in more Google hits for my site.

Dogs are man’s best friend. It’s as simple as that. The Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats and their society collapsed. You just can’t trust cats. Dogs will never lie to you. Their tails are built-in lie detectors. Dogs, dogs, dogs. They would get a perfect 17/17 but you have to clean up their shit way too often.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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