April 3, 2013 · 9:55 am

Walking Downhill

I live in San Francisco and don’t have a car. That means that I walk. A lot. San Francisco is famous for its many hills and I spend a lot of time walking up and down those hills. Walking uphill sucks. It’s tiring and it’s an involuntary workout. The only good thing about walking uphill is that you’ll eventually reach the peak and start walking downhill. Walking downhill is where it’s at. All you have to do is keep your legs moving and let gravity do all the work. You put some stress on your knees, but that’s a small sacrifice for flying down the hill at a pace that a professional speed walker would be proud of. You can cover a lot of ground in a short amount of time without wasting much energy. Your downhill pace should be called Lipton Speed because it’s so brisk.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2013 · 9:21 am

Tinactin Antifungal Deodorant Powder Spray

It seems that most people who want to practice good hygiene only use deodorant for their armpits, despite the fact that we sweat all over. Most people neglect their sweaty feet. Maybe they forget about them because they are crammed into shoes and socks all day, so you don’t catch an accidental whiff of your body odor while performing some random activity. I’m a server/bartender so I’m on my feet all damn day, running around in circles for the duration of my shift. I started getting athlete’s foot so I got some Tinactin deodorant spray. It kills odors and helps cure and prevent athlete’s foot. Now I don’t have to be ashamed to take off my shoes in the break room. Nobody wants to smell bad, and Tinactin will make your feet less stinky. Everybody wins. Now if only there was some way to keep my balls from sweating…

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2013 · 9:17 am

Ghetto Writing

Ghetto writing is when your average pampered white guy goes on the Internet and intentionally spells words wrong, switching back and forth between upper and lower case letters, and generally going out of their way to make their comment unreadable. It’s usually something like, “AlL dA bItChEz N hOeZ nEeD tA nOw ThAt I aInT pHuKiN aRoNd WhEn I sAi ThAt Im GoNnA gEt YoU!! u JuSt aCt HaRd, U aInT sHiT 2 mE. I dO wAt I wAnT wHeN i WaNt n U bItcHeZ cAn SuCk iT!”

They basically go out of their way to be retarded. The basic rule of writing is K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to keep your writing as clear and concise as possible. If it’s hard to write, it’s hard to read. You don’t want your audience struggling to decipher each word of each sentence. They won’t read it if they can’t read it, and you wrote all ghetto for nothing. You might think it looks cool, but nobody else does.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 1, 2013 · 10:51 am

Opening Day 2013

Today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball, one of the best holidays of the year. You’ve been jonesing for the season to start all winter, you get a little bit of a fix from Spring Training, but there’s nothing like the real thing. Baseball is a drug and Opening Day is the needle. Opening Day also represents possibilities. It’s a clean slate, a fresh start for your team. Anything can happen and everyone looks forward to it. It’s better than Christmas. You look forward to Christmas for a few weeks, then it finally arrives, you do Christmassy things for a few hours, and then it’s over. But with baseball you’re waiting for a few months for Opening Day, then it finally arrives and you do Opening Day festivities and watch your team play a game, and when it’s over you realize that it was just the first of 162 games and you’ll have baseball in your life for the next six months. Christmas abandons you, baseball crashes on your couch and never leaves. Play Ball!

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 1, 2013 · 10:49 am

Nantucket Nectars Pineapple Orange Guava

Nantucket Nectars Pineapple Orange Guava is a tropical fruit juice medley. It is a blend of pineapple, orange, and guava, and it also has apple, passionfruit and lemon juice, along with ascorbic acid and beta carotene (for flavor, as the label stresses). Sounds delicious and nutritious, huh? It has 100% of your required vitamin C intake and is 21% juice. That’s enough to fend off a cold. It makes a good mixer too. Nantucket is an island south of Cape Cod, Massachusetts. But Nantucket Nectars is based in Plano, Texas. I smell a conspiracy. All in all, it’s a pretty good juice but it’s not replacing Minute Maid anytime soon.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 31, 2013 · 11:07 am

Emergency Piss

If you drink a lot of fluids, you’ll eventually have to piss like a racehorse. And when you gotta go, you gotta go and there’s nothing that can stop the inevitable. At some point in your life you will have to take an emergency piss. That’s when you have to pee so bad that you can’t hold it and you end up taking a leak in a random place out of sheer desperation. You might pee in a bottle or on the side of the road. You might even resort to using a plastic bag or a kid’s sippy cup. Desperate times call for desperate measures and anything is better than pissing yourself. You do what you gotta do to stay dry. An emergency piss is nothing to be ashamed of, sometimes nature calls and you got to accept the charges.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 31, 2013 · 11:03 am

Parrot Brand Pink Guava Juice

Parrot Brand Pink Guava Juice is the best guava juice that I’ve ever had. I’ve had Kern’s Guava Juice before and it was pretty good and another time I had a real guava, but from now on it’s Parrot Brand Pink Guava Juice for me. It comes in a tall 16.4 oz  can (485 mL for my European friends). It’s sweet, refreshing, and has no preservatives. It’s only 30% juice, but it’s sweetened with real sugar cane and not high fructose corn syrup. It’s a healthier alternative to soda and it gives your taste buds a flavor rush. I’m surprised guava juice isn’t as popular as coconut water or POM. It has the potential to be the next trendy After-Yoga-Treat.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 30, 2013 · 10:02 am

Cold Pizza

Devouring a slice of cold pizza is the best way to declare to the world that you just don’t give a fuck. Pizza is delicious no matter what. It’s pretty hard to fuck up a slice. You pretty much have to burn your DiGiorno or drop it on the ground to make it inedible. Pizza is preferably served hot or at least lukewarm, but sometimes a slice of cold pizza hits the spot. Greasy, cheesy bread really can be served at any temperature and be a delicacy. Cold pizza is a great example of how versatile the Italian pie can be. Plus any meat topping is a bonus. Extra points for sausage.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 30, 2013 · 10:00 am

A Drink After Work

There’s nothing quite like grabbing a drink after work with some coworkers. You deal with so much bullshit all day long and a visit to the local bar is the best way to end a particularly stressful day. You can sip a beer and vent about all the lousy customers and lazy coworkers that you had to deal with during the shift. And your tension eases with every swallow. You work hard and you deserve to take a break before you go home. A drink after work is a godsend, a blessing. Never take it for granted, and never turn down a free round. You spend more time with your coworkers than your own family; you have to be able to get along with them. And booze brings people closer together. So celebrate each successful shift with a shot and a brew with a few fellow employees, bitch about shit, and repeat the process the next day.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 29, 2013 · 9:57 am

Goose Hands

Last August I went to the Outside Lands Music and Arts Festival in San Francisco. There were a lot of bands, a few different stages, and thousands and thousands of people walking around. Anyone who has ever been to a festival can attest to how easy it is to lose your friends in the crowd. You look away for a second and they’re gone. Some people carry around sticks, poles, flags or balloons so that their friends can spot them amongst the sea of people. That’s a good idea, but it’s kind of cumbersome to walk around with a ten foot pole. Goose hands are the best alternative to lugging a flag around all day. Then next time someone gets separated from the group, tell them your general vicinity and to look out for the goose hands. Form a good old fashioned duck shadow puppet with your hand, then elevate it over your head and make it quack. Get a few friends to do it too, and the missing member of your group will be able to find you without any problem. It’s a great way to locate your group or guide your lost friend back to your spot. It’s easier to push your way through a crowd if you know where you’re going. Goose hands… try them at your next concert. It will change your life.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 29, 2013 · 9:53 am

Don’t Go Down the Aisles at the Grocery Store

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Americans are fat. Not all of us, but more than half of us are, and that makes us a nation of fatties. There’s no denying it. It’s a fact. We are fat because we eat like shit. We eat processed foods and preservatives, we guzzle soda like it’s water, and we consider ketchup to be a vegetable. But there’s an easy solution to avoid getting thunder thighs or an extra chin: don’t go down the aisles at the grocery store. What a simple but brilliant concept. Think about it, everything that is bad for you is in the aisles: cookies, junk food, canned goods, TV dinners, soda, all that hoopla. But if you just stick to the perimeter you’ll get all the essentials like fresh veggies, fruit, bread, milk, cheese, eggs, meat, fish, and all the stuff that you really need. Hell, even beer, wine, and hard alcohol are usually around the perimeter… like I said, all the essentials. Avoiding the aisles is an easy way to eat healthy. Remember that the next time you go shopping.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 28, 2013 · 8:49 am

Light Switch

A light switch is a switch that turns a light on and off. If the light is off and you flick it, the light will turn on. If the light is already on and you flick the switch, then the light will turn off. It’s a pretty straightforward way of controlling the light. Sadly, some people don’t know how a light switch works. They know that if they go into a dark room and can’t see anything they can flick a switch and a light will come on. But they don’t know how to turn off the light when they leave the room. Nobody taught them that a light switch goes both ways (like your mom). I don’t know whether to feel sorry for them or to slap them (like your mom). The general rule states that you turn on the light when you need to see, and you turn it off when you don’t need to see. There are exceptions of course, like leaving a light on to stop burglars or to grow weed. Other than that, you should turn off the light when you leave the room. Unless there are still other people in there.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 28, 2013 · 8:47 am

Kettle Sea Salt Chips

Kettle Brand potato chips are my preferred brand of chips, and Sea Salt is one of my go-to flavors. Kettle Sea Salt Chips look similar to your basic Lay’s potato chip, only less greasy, more crunchy, and with more flavor. It’s basically an improvement in every way. The only downside to them is that they aren’t Krinkle Kut like some of the other Kettle Chip flavors. That makes them slightly less fun, but they are still better than 90% of the potato chips out on the market. Kettle is one of those companies that loves the environment and sustainability. They use wind power and biodiesel and all that hippie shit. But they didn’t sacrifice any flavor and still make gourmet chips. Kudos to them.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 27, 2013 · 10:09 am

Starting To Get Sick

I woke up with the sniffles and a runny nose and realized that I’m starting to get sick. Starting to get sick is worse than actually being sick. When you’re sick you’re just sick and you deal with it. All you can do when you start getting sick is take some vitamin C and hope that you’re not getting sick. You still have to suck it up and go to work. People will invite you to hang out and they won’t believe you when you say you can’t because you’re starting to get sick. That’s like saying you have to do laundry or wash your hair, it might be true but it’s a weak excuse. You’ll be peer pressured into going out when you know that you shouldn’t, and you’ll regret it the next day when you wake up fully diseased and phlegmy. Oh well, at least you’re not starting to get sick anymore.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 27, 2013 · 10:07 am

Arizona Cherry Lime Rickey

So I didn’t get the memo, but apparently Arizona Iced Tea had their big 20th Anniversary in 2012 and released a special drink in commemoration. There was a consumer contest to design the can and another one to come up with the flavor. It’s kind of weird how two people can win a contest and still be losers. Anyway, that’s how we ended up with the Arizona 20th Anniversary Cherry Lime Rickey, a sparkling cherry lime flavored beverage in a can that looks like it was designed by a New York hippie. It tastes good, but I would never drink it on a regular basis. Luckily I don’t even have to worry about it because it’s a limited release.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 26, 2013 · 10:38 am

People Who Don’t Know How to Walk

Walking isn’t that hard but a lot of people can’t do it. I’m not talking about the crippled or handicapped or crawling babies. I’m talking about the idiots on the sidewalk that can’t walk in straight line or keep a steady pace. You have to walk with intention, with purpose. You can’t just be zigzagging your way down the sidewalk, stopping or slowing down to look at your phone. Hang up and fucking walk, damnit. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and repeat until you’re at your destination. And remember that there are other people trying to use the sidewalk too… Joggers, skaters, and dog walkers all want to use the sidewalk and they are probably faster than your slow pedestrian pace, so try to stick to one side of the sidewalk and don’t get distracted by a shiny mailbox and suddenly veer from your course without looking around first. Just because you’re on the sidewalk doesn’t mean there isn’t traffic and obstacles to pay attention to. Be aware of your surroundings and stay out of my way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 26, 2013 · 10:36 am

Snapple Lightly Sweetened Cherry Pomegranate Tea

Lightly Sweetened Cherry Pomegranate Tea is one of the newest members of the Snapple flavor family. It’s almost a diet drink; it only has 80 calories and 18 grams of sugar. It also doesn’t have much flavor. It tastes like a watered down Snapple. And that’s probably what it is. They probably took one Snapple and poured it into 3 bottles and topped them off with water. If you buy a Cherry Pomegranate flavored drink, you want to be able to taste the Cherry Pomegranate when you drink it. And the flavor is way too subtle to justify a purchase. It’s a pretty disappointing beverage and not worth getting again.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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