December 18, 2013 · 11:46 am

Playing an Instrument

I respect anybody who is capable of playing an instrument. I wish I could. I just don’t have the chops for it. I’ve played a few random instruments. In fourth grade we were forced to play the recorder (those plastic flute things), in sixth grade it was hand bells, and I took a drum class for a semester in eighth grade. Those experiences made me realize that I have no musical ability. None. At all. I have no sense of rhythm. I go off tempo even when I’m counting out the beat. But I’ve come to terms with it and I’m ok with it. Now I realize that most people can’t play an instrument and that’s a good thing. If everyone played music, everyone would be on stage and there would be nobody in the audience. Musicians need musically inept people like me to make a living.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 18, 2013 · 11:44 am

Inside Joke

An inside joke is a joke that you share with only a handful of people. It’s only funny for you and the few people that are in on it. You all think it’s hilarious. Everyone else thinks it’s stupid. They also feel left out, but they will never admit that. It’s rude to tell inside jokes around somebody on the outside. You have to feign sympathy, apologize, and explain that it was an inside joke. And it’s awkward to tell them that they should stop laughing because they don’t get it. An inside joke is kind of like segregation. It makes some people feel included while isolating everyone else. An inside joke is the apartheid of comedy.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 17, 2013 · 8:31 am

City of Scars (fan film)

City of Scars is a 2010 independent fan film based on Batman, and it’s actually pretty damn good. It’s a Batman movie made by Batman fans for Batman fans. Writer/director/producer Aaron Schoenke perfectly captures the gritty tone of Gotham City as Batman wonders if his crime fighting methods are making things worse in Gotham whilst on a mission to save a kidnapped boy from the clutches of the Joker. Kevin Porter plays Bruce Wayne/Batman and he’s as good or better than George Clooney. A guy named Paul Molnar plays the Joker and he does a decent job, but he’s not intimidating enough. There are a couple of DC character cameos that most fanboys would appreciate like Harley Quinn and Black Canary. Any genuine Batman fan will be a fan of this short film. It’s only 30 minutes long, and there are some cool fight scenes and special effects. It’s pretty impressive for only having a budget of $27,000. You can find it on YouTube, that’s where I stumbled upon it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 17, 2013 · 8:27 am

Coin Snatching

Coin snatching is when you snatch a coin or coins off of your elbow. If you’re right handed, put a quarter onto your right elbow and balance it there. Then let your elbow drop and try to grab the quarter out of the air with your right hand. It takes a couple of tries but it’s pretty easy to get the hang of it. Practice with one quarter for a while and you can start moving up to more and more coins. It more impressive if you have more coins, but it’s also more embarrassing when you fail. Coin snatching will never get you any girls, but it’s a good bar trick if you can do it when you’re drunk.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 16, 2013 · 8:30 am

7-Select Peppered Beef Jerky

7-Select is 7-Eleven’s store brand name and they make a bunch of different products, beef jerky being one of them. 7-Select Peppered Beef Jerky is comparable to Oberto or Jack Link’s. It doesn’t taste as good, but it’s cheaper and being cheap saves you money. It’s not a bad jerky. I’ve had worse and I’ve had better, but it’s still satisfactory. It’s not dry or crumbly and it’s not juicy and moist. It’s pretty average and that’s all you expect from a store brand. It’s cheap and edible and gets the job done. It’s only $4.99 for 3-ounce bag, which is a pretty decent deal. You save a few bucks and you can use that money to get a Slurpee, some candy, or a couple of lotto tickets. And if you win the lotto, you don’t have to buy 7-Select products anymore.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 16, 2013 · 8:28 am

Corona Familiar

Did you know that Corona Extra has a more sophisticated older brother called Corona Familiar? Because I didn’t until about ten minutes ago when I discovered it at the corner store. It comes in 32 ounce brown bottles and apparently it tastes more like the Corona that they make in Mexico. There’s a lot of internet debate about whether or not it’s the same beer as Corona Extra, and I can’t tell because I don’t have a Corona Extra to compare it to. I think it tastes better than a Corona Extra, but that might just be because the brown bottle keeps the light out so it doesn’t get skunky. It has a 4.5% ABV, which is pretty standard for a crisp lager. It’s extremely drinkable and smooth, and perfect for a hot day at the beach. Too bad it’s a cold day in the city. If you like Corona Extra, you’ll like this beer.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 15, 2013 · 6:20 pm

Starting Each Sentence With “And”

“And” is a great way to start each sentence. And it’s recommended because you can ramble on and on. And it won’t seem like it’s a glorified run-on sentence because you use periods and punctuation marks. And people like punctuation marks. And periods. And anything else that makes your incoherent ramblings seem more coherent. And it’s also easier to read. And the easier it is to read, the more people will read it. And maybe they will share it. And then I will get more hits and views on my site. And that makes me feel good about myself. And it makes me feel more confident. And everybody knows that self-confidence is an important attribute. And if you feel better about yourself, you are more inclined to help others out. And that makes the world a better place. And don’t you want the world to be a better place? And I know this post is lazy, but I had to write something. And I’m done now so I don’t really care anymore.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 15, 2013 · 6:18 pm

Oaktown Brown Ale

Oaktown Brown Ale is a bold & soulful American brown ale from San Jose, California’s Calicraft Brewing Co. It has a rich malty aroma with hints of roast coffee, nuts, chocolate, caramel, and oak. It smells like it has a lot of flavor, but the first sip is disappointing. I can taste coffee, nuts, wood, roasted malts, chocolate, caramel, and toffee but it’s too thin and feels watered down. It’s not exciting. It’s bland. And you don’t want your craft beer to be bland. It has a 6.7% alcohol content, which is decent but not good. There’s not anything special about this beer. There’s nothing terrible about it, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone and I definitely wouldn’t expect to be hailed as a hero for bringing it to a party. It’s a boring and forgettable beer. Even the label is boring. The only reason to try it is to say that you tried it. And that’s not a good enough reason.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 14, 2013 · 8:30 am

Trading Lunch Items

Trading lunch items is a common practice in elementary school cafeterias around the world. The goal is simple: you want to swap your food for something more desirable. It’s best to find someone who has conflicting tastes with you. If you like sweet things and Jimmy likes salty things, then you should give him your Goldfish crackers for a pack of Gushers. He’s happy, you’re happy, and everybody wins. Some kids are really good at trading lunch items. They learn other people’s tastes and preferences and exploit them. They get rid of a slightly bruised apple and get pretzels in return. They can swap those pretzels for a juice box, and then get two bananas in exchange. They know that Billy’s mom is lazy and only buys Lunchables so he would gladly give it away for two bananas. And once you have a Lunchable you control the negotiations.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 14, 2013 · 8:27 am

Counting Sheep

You have a big day tomorrow and you need to get a good night’s sleep, but your mind is racing and falling asleep seems impossible. You start thinking about how you can’t sleep, and that stresses you out even more so you become even more restless. That’s when you need to distract yourself and start counting sheep. You imagine a bunch on sheep jumping over a fence one at a time and count how many sheep jump over the fence. It doesn’t matter what’s on the other side of the fence, and you don’t need to know why they are even jumping over the fence in the first place. Just count how many sheep jump over the fence. It will calm you down and you’ll gradually start drifting off to sleep. It might take a while. There have been nights where I’ve counted over two thousand sheep. That’s a lot of lamb chops. But I’ve always fallen asleep eventually. Just keep counting sheep until you run out of them. Nobody is quite sure how tallying livestock cures insomnia, but it really does help.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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December 13, 2013 · 10:00 am

Fist Bump

A fist bump (or pound) is a more casual and cooler way to shake hands. You ball your hand into a fist, extend your arm, and lightly tap your knuckles against the other person’s knuckles. You don’t have to be gentle about it, but you don’t have to punch the other person. You’re not playing Bloody Knuckles. You can use the fist bump as a greeting, in lieu of a celebratory high five, and/or as a casual goodbye when someone is leaving. Fist bumps have a few benefits over a high five or handshake. For starters, it doesn’t matter which fist you use unlike with a high five or handshake. It’s virtually impossible to have an awkward fist bump. Everyone’s had an awkward handshake or high five before. Fist bumps are much easier and harder to fuck up on. You also make less surface contact with the other person’s skin, so you don’t have to worry about sweaty palms or clammy hands. And fist bumps are also more sanitary so you don’t have to stress about germs, bacteria, or if they washed their hands when they went to the bathroom.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 13, 2013 · 9:57 am

The Metamorphosis (novella)

The Metamorphosis is a short story by Franz Kafka about a guy who wakes up and discovers that he’s transformed in a giant insect. You never find out how or why Gregor Samsa becomes a giant bug, he just wakes up in a different body. The story is about his attempted adjustment from being his family’s financial provider to being a cockroach. He becomes a burden on his family, slowly draining them financially and emotionally. They are disgusted and repulsed by him, and they end up resenting him. They end up despising him. And they don’t hide it either.

The Metamorphosis isn’t about a guy changing into a bug; it’s about change itself. It’s about a guy realizing that his life will never be the same again and having to deal with it. It’s about a family rejecting one of their own because he’s no longer useful. Kafka published this novella back in 1915 and it’s still an important, intriguing, and relevant work of literature to this day. I once had to buy it for a college class, and it was so good that I didn’t sell it back to the campus bookstore. I could have used that money to buy beer and Top Ramen, but I chose to expand my library instead.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 12, 2013 · 9:48 am

Tandem Bike

A tandem bike is a bike that is designed to be ridden by two or more people. Most tandem bikes are for two riders, but the world record holder fits thirty-five people. That’s a lot of hippies. Seating is an important consideration when riding on a tandem bike. You should always try to sit in the back. The person in the front seat has to steer and peddle continuously. If you’re in the second seat, you can stop peddling once you get enough momentum. As long as the person in front doesn’t notice, you’re free to relax and enjoy the scenery. Every now and then you will see a guy riding a tandem bike by himself. He is either the loneliest person on the planet or his friend fell off. It doesn’t matter which one it is, you’re still required to point a finger and make fun of him.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 12, 2013 · 9:45 am

Douche

Douche is a great word. A douche is either a feminine hygienic product, an effective insult, or a sound effect. A douche is a device that women use them to flush out and rinse their vaginas, which helps get rid of bacteria and unwanted odors. Douche has also become a slang word for an arrogant motherfucker. You can say douche bag for more emphasis if they are really being obnoxious. For some reason, adding bag to it makes it sound harsher. Douche is also a great sound effect for play fighting. Throw a slow motion uppercut at your friend and say Douche! when you make contact. Bam! Douche! Pow! See how satisfying that is? And it sounds natural. Douche is a powerful word. Use it wisely.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 11, 2013 · 3:29 pm

Drake’s Denogginizer

Drake’s Denogginizer is an Imperial IPA from Drake’s Brewing Company in San Leandro, CA. It’s a well rounded India Pale Ale with a nice citrus hop aroma. I get whiffs of lemon, grapefruit, and orange peel, as well as rich caramel malts and pine resin. It explodes on your tongue with pine and citrus hops with a nice bready malt backbone. I can taste a little caramel and fruity sweetness as well, but it’s a primarily a bitter, hoppy beer. It has a relatively hefty alcohol content of 9.75%, so you only need a few bottles to feel good enough to take on the world. It’s a good beer, but the label is kind of frustrating because it’s so chaotic. It’s jumbled and convoluted and an eyesore. Your label should be simple and easy to read because you want people to know the name of your product. You lose points for making me think. I don’t want to think. I just want a fucking beer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 11, 2013 · 8:51 am

Cold Snap

A cold snap is what old folks call it when the weather is really cold for a prolonged period of time. Younger people usually say that it’s cold as Hell, even though that doesn’t make any sense if you think about it. San Francisco is in the middle of a cold snap right now, and even though it’s not technically freezing, it’s still colder than anyone would like it to be. An unfortunate few have succumbed to the cold. The cold weather is an annoyance to some, but it’s a life or death situation for a lot of homeless people. We are lucky enough to be able to turn on the heater or put on another sweater. Some people don’t have that option. Don’t take that shit for granted.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 10, 2013 · 11:01 am

Kill Switch

A kill switch is a safety mechanism that is used to shut down a device in an emergency situation. If you’re using a circular saw to cut wood and your arm gets stuck in the path of the blade, flicking the kill switch will probably save your life. You find kill switches mostly on mechanical and electrical equipment, but humans can have kill switches too. I have a coworker who gets a little rowdy from time to time, but I discovered a phrase that acts like a kill switch. Whenever he’s getting too annoying, I’ll say “anus mucus” and he will instantly shut up and calm down. It works every single time. It makes me wonder if other people have a kill switch or some phrase that I can exploit to make them compliant to my will. Not every kill switch is as effective as “anus mucus” though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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